We Only Said Goodbye With Words

Well, it's obvious I wont be finishing the 30 day challenge. I just don't want to anymore and it feels good to leave it incomplete. I am okay with that.

I feel like the past few months have been a journey of self discovery for me. All the things happening with my family have kept me thinking about so much. I have realized many things, seen things that have been right in front of me, analyzed things, figured things out and accepted much. It has not been easy and it is nowhere near over either. I know my latest postings have all been dark but that is how I have been feeling and I simply cannot fake any other emotions.

The most prominent emotion that I feel as of lately is loneliness. A crippling loneliness I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy (not that I have one...at least not that I know of.) I have not been able to find comfort in the presence of others and I am not able to find comfort in my own presence either. All these discoveries I am making about myself and my family, I cannot share with anyone. I don't want to damage anyone else's life with the truths that I have discovered. I don't want to change any one's opinion of somebody else based on something that I have realized, so I just keep it all to myself.

I don't know if this is the right thing to do but it seems like it for now. I am coping by disassociation because that is the only way I know how to deal. It is a practiced skill that has helped me survive. The mere thought of further analyzing the truth makes me panic. I tuck it away until I find the time to let myself unravel. There are daily reminders of these truths and there are times where I almost fall apart, but I collect myself. I remember reading somewhere (I think it was "Eat, Pray, Love") that when you let yourself unravel, it is hard to reel yourself back in and then you are more likely to easily fall apart, so breaking down becomes a habit. I cannot let that happen, so I practice composure.

I did not intend for this post to get so dark but I could not control it. I do not guard my darkness with the same care that I guard my secrets with.

Lastly, here is "Back to Black" by Amy Winehouse. Kind of fitting for me right now...