Live On and Be Yourself

I am not a fan of hip hop music, but every once in a while a hip hop artist I find worthy comes around. I heard the song "Same Love" by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis for the first time a few days ago and I was struck by how incredible it was. It almost brought me to tears. It discusses gay rights and same sex equality in such an intelligent way that it is almost like a lecture and I havent been able to stop listening to it.

Personally, I have always been an LGBT supporter. I truly and honestly do not see anything wrong with being gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual, bi-curious, and whatever else is out there. Everyone is different and nobody has the right to judge people for being who they are.

NOBODY. 

The song has a great lyric, among many, that says:

 "A preconceived idea of what it all meant/For those that liked the same sex/Had the characteristics/The right wing conservatives think it's a decision/And you can be cured with some treatment and religion/Man-made rewiring of a predisposition/Playing God." 

 To me this means that gay people are just being who they were born to be, they arent choosing to be gay and they cannot be fixed with treatment. It's just like race, you are born into it, you cant choose to be Black or White or Asian or American, you just are who you are. It really is that simple and I'm not sure where it all went wrong. I'm not sure what gave people the right to judge others for just being themselves. What makes any of us straight people any better than gay people? So what if they don't like people of the opposite sex? I dont like red meat, does that make me any less of a human being? 

NO.

Recently, one of my nephews was caught putting on lipstick and my sister yelled at him and snatched the lipstick away from him. She told him that lipstick is for girls and he shouldnt be wearing it. My nephew got upset and I told my sister that she shouldnt have done that. She shouldnt have yelled at him for experimenting with lipstick. He is 2 1/2, what does he know about makeup? He is curious and had probably seen her wearing lipstick and wanted to try it too.

Aside from yelling, the mistake she made was upsetting him for being curious. What if he turns out to be gay? That incident might be something that sticks in his head and he might feel like it's not okay to be himself. I advised her to make sure that her children feel like they can be who they want. She needs to make sure they know that they will be loved and supported no matter what. I told her not to mold them into preconceived notions of boys only wearing blue and playing with cars and girls wearing pink and playing with dolls. If my nephews want to play with dolls, let them. If my niece wants to play with cars, so be it. I tried to make it a point to her that her children fitting into the roles of society is not important. What is important is them feeling that they have the freedom to express themselves any way they want to and that if society does not accept them, then the people who matter and who love them always will.

And I urge everyone to do this. You never know the difference you can make in someones life by just telling them "I support you" or by making them feel like them being different from you doesnt change anything. I think the saddest thing in the world is when you dont have the freedom to be who you want to be, love who you want to love and just live how you want to live because others arent comfortable enough with themselves to accept that you are different. Here is another lyric from "Same Love" that resonates with me:

 "When kids are walking 'round the hallway plagued by pain in their heart
A world so hateful some would rather die than be who they are"

All these homophobes ,who use the Bible to defend their unjust and ridiculous excuses, have is issues with themselves. If you are comfortable with your sexuality and who you are, then what does another persons sexuality have to do with you? Why should it matter to you? How sad is it that there are people who are taking their own lives because they feel like death is better than living? 

As a society, it is imperative that we change. The world is constantly evolving and we dont know what's in store for us ahead. I do believe acceptance is happening slowly. There are certain laws that have recently been approved and little by little, the states are making same sex marriage legal. It is important that this change continues because in the long run, there are more important things to worry about. Same sex equality doesnt make the world a terrible place, but the hate and ignorance that comes from people does. 

I commend Macklemore for writing "Same Love" and for challenging society. I commend him for using his celebrity status to get a positive message across and for encouraging people to take a step back and reconsider their way of thinking. I commend him for putting something out there that will bring comfort to those that are struggling to come to terms with themselves and I hope and truly believe that this song will help many.

If I could send a message to all the people who are facing internal battles, I would tell them to just live your life the way you want to live it. Dont ever change yourself to comfort others, dont ever deny yourself the right and the opportunity to do what you want to do and be who you want to be. It is an opportunity that is inherent and cannot be taken away from you by anybody. You have a right to pursue happiness and if it makes others uncomfortable, that is their problem, not yours. As "Same Love" states: "Live on and be yourself."

You is Smart, You is Kind, You is Important

I am growing up. 

A part of me hates this, but a bigger part of me loves it. 

The hate part stems from the fact that responsibilities are never ending and  no one does things for you. You have to take care of yourself, provide for yourself, feed and clothe yourself, etc. And while these things might sound ideal for those teenagers I follow on tumblr, the reality is that it's not always fun. It's scary as fuck and it causes constant worry and stress. The good news is that you get used to it and become independent, but its still scary to think about sometimes. 

The part of me that loves what is happening is the one that is growing into who I am. We go through such a long and painful journey growing up. Our teenage years are filled with so much drama and so much worrying about fitting in and what other people think about us. There is constant insecurity and we are always trying to live up to other people's expectations. The best thing about growing up is that those things no longer matter. You don't have time to worry about what anyone thinks about you. There is a certain confidence that comes with age. That is why the elderly don't give a shit about what people think of them and go about doing what they want. 

It's hard thing to describe, but there comes a point in your life where you notice that it is okay to not be okay. It's okay to not agree with everyone, to not wear the latest trends or give into the latest obsessions or watch the most popular shows or movies. It's okay to like shitty music and read shitty books and eat shitty food.  There is something special about those people who just live their lives they way they want to, not the way society says they should. Of course, there is nothing wrong with following the crowd, if that is who you really are. There is no right or wrong answer on how to be yourself, as long as you are your true self. 

The title of this post is from one of my favorite movies, called "The Help," where one of the black maids raising a little, chubby white girl who didnt get her mother's attention because she was not what society would describe as perfect, would say this to the little girl every day. Then she would make the little girl repeat it back to her and I cant even begin to tell you the significance of that. Thinking, saying, or  feeling that you are smart, kind and important is the difference between a strong, confident person and a weak, insecure one. 

If only we all had that one person in our lives that told us this constantly and made us believe it. Sadly, most of us don't and most of us figure this out on our own, though it may take years upon years. It may take tragedy, a breakdown, and a disaster but at some point when we are able to rise up from the ashes, we rise up not only knowing those things, but actually believing them.

That is what growing up is.

That is what growing up has been for me. 

And that has been the most liberating and most rewarding feeling I have ever experienced. 

Still Into You

Every once in a while I get the urge to be mushy and loving, this is one of those times.

Does anyone ever have a moment where they are overpowered by the feelings they have for someone else? Like you are just sitting there and then all of a sudden you get hit with a wave of emotion. You realize things, good or bad, that perhaps you have never noticed before and you are left with a life changing feeling once this moment passes.

This happened to me recently. I started thinking about my husband (still not used to calling him that) and I was overwhelmed by what I felt for him. I realized that we have been together for 8 years and my feelings for him are still as strong as the day I fell in love. If we were to ever part, I would compare every man to him and I know that nobody would ever live up to him.

I still get butterflies before I see him sometimes, I miss him when I dont get to spend time with him even though we live together, and the greatest feeling in the world is falling asleep next to him. Now I know that I am dangerously close to being corny as fuck, but these things are all true and I want to put them out there. I really and truly love my husband, he is one of a kind. He is so sweet, genuine, funny and has the best heart. He had the worst upbringing and had nobody to guide him and yet he managed to authentically be a good person. He kept himself together and went against the odds to make something of himself. That kind of achievement deserves respect and honor.

Everyday I realize how lucky I am to have married someone like him. He lets me be myself and never judges me. He lets me have my freedom and supports all my antics, even when they dont make sense and this lets me know that he wants me to be happy. And because we are a real couple, things are not always rainbows and unicorns, but even at our worst moments, I never have any regrets about him and I have never, ever questioned how I feel about him. In fact, when everything is out of control in my life, the one thing I am sure about is how I feel about him. It's my connection to reality, it keeps me grounded and it brings me back.

And now that I have crossed the corny/pathetic line, I can wrap this up. My husband is not perfect and has many flaws, but so do I. I never believed in marriage but now that I am married, I get it. It is different from just being in a relationship because you take a vow and you are bonded both spiritually and legally. You become family despite not sharing blood and there is nothing more important in life than family. Life is not a fairy tale, he is not Prince Charming, I am not Cinderella. He didnt sweep me up on his white horse or release me from a tower. My life is no Disney movie, but it's still pretty damn perfect.



Title of Song is "Still Into You" by Paramore which describes everything I'm feeling perfectly. 

We Remember Moments

Life has been...well, life. I have been feeling good. I have been okay. I'm slowly getting there. The weather is getting better and that has helped me dramatically because the amount of sunlight and warmth there is outside is directly related to the amount of sunlight and warmth I feel inside myself.

I've been enjoying myself. Going to happy hour with co-workers, having lunch with friends, spending time with the triplets, having conversations with my husband (still not used to calling him that,) shopping for random things, playing with my new iPhone, discovering new music, going to concerts (Andrew McMahon, I worship the ground you walk on,) watching less TV, reading more, spending countless hours on tumblr,  searching for a new TV show to obsess over, eating peaches and plums, discovering new uses for coconut oil, decorating a friends new apartment, training for the Color Run,  and just generally taking it easy. I cant wait for summer because this is gonna be one that I'll remember...I just know it.

If I May Just Take Your Breath Away

The older I get, the more I accept myself as I am and for who I am. I dont know if times are changing or if I am just really becoming an adult, but I am really starting to not care about what other people think of me. I actually like myself...sometimes. I have many, many flaws and I am by no means perfect in any way, but I am not ashamed to be me. I am proud to be me, I accept me and I dont care if nobody else does.

It's crazy because I feel that I have always been me no matter what, but in the past I have worried about how I was being perceived. Now, I really cant even stress it. I know who I am: I am obsessive, quite selfish, contradicting, confusing, reserved, young minded, uptight and sometimes dramatic. But at the same time I am also loyal, strong, independent, responsible, creative, amicable, open and sometimes fun. I see both sides of myself and I dont need anybody to point out my flaws or my good qualities.

As I sit here sipping coffee out of my Vampire Diaries (Team Stefan) mug and listening to the Taylor Swift "Red" album, while wearing polka dot pajamas and looking forward to reading the next John Greene novel, I don't feel ashamed about anything. I have a pretty damn awesome life and I plan on enjoying it.



Title of post is from "Sweater Weather" by The Neighbourhood, which I LOVE LOVE LOVE

I Haven't Found a Drop of Life

I have to say that I don't particularly enjoy this time of year very much. The weather is cold and dreary and it gets dark out at 5pm. Things to do are pretty limited because its freezing out..and I mean freezing literally. The highest temperatures the past few weeks have been in the teens. Also, it is the beginning of an entire year and while that year goes by quickly, I don't feel the speed of time passing by until a few months in.

So right now, I've been feeling anxious. Like I'm waiting for something to happen but not enough time has gone by yet. I don't know if I'm waiting for warmer weather or for motivation or what, but I feel like I'm at a stand still. When I picture this year in my head, I see myself having so much fun but we are already 2 months in and nothing has happened. For some reason, I just feel lost and like something is missing.

Someone once said "the two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why." I guess I have yet to experience the second most important day of my life...

Title post is from "Addict with a Pen" by Twenty One Pilots

..And At Once I Knew I Was Not Magnificent

This blog is pretty plain, not much decor or anything going on here huh? I'll have to change that soon. It's a goal of mine for the new year.

Speaking of the new year, I am still feeling quite hopeful. I have many ideas and I've been inspired to accomplish many recurring items on my Lifetime TO Do List (I'm definitely a list person if you cant tell by now.) I have also been thinking about where I want to take this blog. It started out as a public diary, a way of tracking life events, or fleeting emotions and feelings. I often look back at posts and reminisce about what I wrote. I appreciate the fact that I can go back to a certain point in time and recall exactly what I felt because I wrote about it in such detail. Therefore, I know that I want to keep this blog going, even if its just for myself. What I will change is the frequency of my posts. I definitely want to make sure I capture this year because I feel so optimistic about it (so optimistic that I even inserted the quintessential cheesy quote pic in this post), so with that being said, I will make every effort possible to write a post every Friday starting today. I'll make it a habit so it becomes second nature.

I will also continue to post, not only about my feelings at the moment, but my discoveries in myself, in music, in art, in life, and just in general. I want to be able to look back and remind myself of the time where I made a change in my life, whether its a different way of thinking or a new band.  This blog has never been about sharing with the world, it has always been for me and my future selves. So I am making an effort to stop disappointing myself and living up to the things I imagine in my head.

Title post is "Holocene" by Bon Iver

This is the Start of Something Beautiful, This is the Start of Something New



Maurylyne & Victor
10.19.12

So it happened, I am officially married now! All the planning and details and phone calls and emails all paid off. The wedding was beautiful and I had such a great time. It was truly an unforgettable experience and I am so glad that we went through with it. No regrets... 

Title of post "This" by Ed Sheeran

After My Blood Turns Into Alcohol

The mood to write strikes when I feel down and out. At this point, I don't think it matters because I don't think anybody reads this blog anymore anyway.

There are so many exciting and life changing things that will be happening in the next few weeks and while I do feel excited and happy, I am also sad and depressed. I'm scared of change, I'm scared that I don't know what I'm doing, that I wont be ready for these changes, that I'll fail in my new role. There is so much uncertainty about everything that's gonna happen  and I cant find a source of comfort or an anchor to root me in this chaos. I have never thought it possible to feel so lonely amidst so much loving and caring people that surround me. I continue to seek the support and approval of the one person who will not give it to me.

At this point, I am doubting things and it's all stacking up. I wish I could just find some stability, some relief, something familiar, something that will let me know it will all be okay. I search and search and have no clue what I'm looking for. All I know is I have yet to find it. When will I feel like I will be okay?

I feel like I have lost so much in the past year and I'm still grieving what I thought my life was gonna be like. What I wanted my life to be like, what I EXPECTED my life to be like. At what point will I accept that nothing is like it was? At what point will I be okay with the fact that things wont ever be the same? Do I have to lose myself in the process of accepting change and adapting? Or do I become a different person? Or do I simply live in a perpetual state of nostalgia? I have so many questions and don't know where to begin to find the answers I need.



Title of post is from "Give Me Love" by Ed Sheeran

It's Harder to Recall the Many Bad Times

Have you ever found a song that makes you sit back and think about your life? A song that makes you nostalgic, but the kind of nostalgia that you relish and want to hold on to? A song that elicits a flutter in the pit of your stomach and although you don't know what the feeling is, you want to keep it for as long as possible.

I think that moments like that are the reason music exists. Those artists that are truly talented and love what they do, chase those feelings and want to live and bask in them, which is why they make music for a living. And those same feelings are the criteria I use when I'm listening to new music. If it doesn't stir something up in me, it isn't worth my time.

Band of Horses has managed to blow me away with a few songs in each of their albums. To this day, I still claim "Infinite Arms" as my favorite song ever. We even chose it for our first dance at our wedding next month because when I first heard it, I thought of Victor and I thought of our relationship. The song made me catch my breath and it reminded me of the way Victor makes me feel and the way I feel about him. I never wanted to let go of those feelings and I still get them no matter how much I listen to this song. When I played it for him, he loved it too!

 I recently experienced something grand while listening to the new Band of Horses album, Mirage Rock, for the first time. I let the whole album play on Shuffle and when the song "Long Vows" came on, I had to stop what I was doing and sit down. Its a ballad with a sort of woodsy, bluesy country rock vibe and it made me feel a level of nostalgia I have never experienced before.

I put the song on repeat and I kept getting such a strong level of longing for happier times that it bought tears to my eyes and before I knew it, I broke down and I cried for a while. It was a very necessary cry, one that was cleansing, one that bought relief, one that was long overdue because I hadn't had a good cry in so long. I have so much going on right now that I haven't had time to just sit down and think. I didn't know that I needed to let it all out and I didn't know that I needed encouragement or assurance, but I got all these things from simply listening to this song.

I heard "All that you seek/All that you set out to find/Don't let anything change your mind," and got encouragement. I heard "But blankets fall, they don't stay in place just as they were made," and realized that things change and that I have to accept it. Lastly, I heard "And no one's gonna show you the way/When it gets cold you can find yourself made/Back in the hole from which you came/And everything will fall into place." I just needed to know that when all this mayhem going on my life is done, everything will eventually fall into place and everything is gonna be okay.

At the risk of sounding cliche, this is why some people say that music changes their lives...because it does. It really, really does...

Seasons Come and Seasons Go

Wow, I have truly neglected this blog. I don't write nearly as much as I did when I first started this thing. I guess life has gotten way busier since then and also, I don't really have followers so there isnt anybody waiting for a post from me. I write for myself really

I really don't have much to update since my life has been pretty consistent the past several months. I swim in the stress of work, planning my wedding, family time, new obsessions and just the everyday things in life. I am still continuing my healthier lifestyle and couldn't be happier about it. I am seeing results and I feel good everyday, despite my lack of sleep.

Also, fall is upon is. This is my most favorite, favorite time of year. I absolutely love everything about the fall..the colors, scents, food, fashion, weather, everything. I remember I used to make lists on things to accomplish/do with every season. I think I'm gonna start doing that again, with my fall list being the first one. So here is the list I came up with of things to do this season:

1. Apple picking

2. Infuse fall scents into my home (pumpkin, apple, cinnamon)

3. Pumpkin coffee/lattes

4. Take more walks

5. Museum visits

6. Get fall fashion items (boots, jackets, sweaters,etc)

7. Try a new fall inspired recipe (pumpkin, apples, etc)

8. Fall cleaning/apartment makeover

9. Crochet a new hat/scarf for the coming winter

10. Watch new seasons of The Vampire Diaries, The Walking Dead and Dexter!

Is it sad that I am most excited about #3 and #10?

Alterations

About 5 weeks ago, I joined Weight Watchers. I realized that my wedding date was approaching fast and I was not finding the motivation I needed to get into the shape I would be happy in for my wedding. I needed some sort of guidance, schedule, a checkpoint or something so I decided to try Weight Watchers.

It has been the best decision I have made as far as healthy living/weight loss goes. It's so easy, a first grader could do it. You just put in your current weight, your goal weight and the amount of time you want to lose the weight in. Then they calculate how many "points" you can eat per day in order to achieve your weight loss goal.

The point system is really so simple and effective. Virtually anything you eat can be found in the points database and instead of counting calories, fat grams, sodium, etc, you simply count points. So for example, I am allowed 30 points per day (points vary on the amount of weight you want to lose and the amount of time you have.) All fruits and vegetables have no points, so you could eat them all day and they don't count towards your daily count.

 Now, I will admit that 30 points per day is NOT a lot of points at all. I could easily eat 12 points in just one meal (medium french fries are 11 points, Chinese food is easily 25 points, 4 chicken nuggets is 6 points, medium Hagen daze sorbet is 12 points, see where I'm going?) On a healthier note, a 6 oz container of Chobani Greek Yogurt is 4 points alone, so I have to plan out what I eat well and I have to incorporate a lot of fruits and veggies in my day so that I stay satisfied and full.

In addition to your daily points, you get a number of plus points to spread out during the week. So basically they are like cheat points in case you go out that week and eat a little extra or something like that. I have an additional 49 points per week, so basically 7 extra points per day. I am proud to say that I have never used my entire 49 points in the weeks I have been doing this. Some days I go over my 30 by a few points, and on the weekends I use up a few as well, but I try not to use the plus points at all.


Let me tell you that it has been a lot easier than it sounds. At first, I struggled to stay within my 30 daily points and I felt like nothing satisfied me. I was frustrated because I wanted to eat fries like everyone else was but I knew that if I did, I would have to eat fruits the rest of the day. I was not happy at all, but at some point between week 1 and now currently week 5, something changed. I subconsciously started making healthier food choices, even when I was going out to eat.

I no longer crave or desire greasy fast food anymore. I find myself looking forward to eating that peach or my spinach salad. Once in a while, I want something sweet or fatty and I'll take one or two spoonfuls of ice cream or cake. If I really, really crave something, I'll just eat it and adjust the rest of my day accordingly. I dont feel deprived, I NEVER feel hungry and even when I just have the munchies, I still make healthy food choices. It's crazy because it's like I dont even know who I am anymore lol. I have been able to sit with a group of people eating salad or drinking water, while they all eat a hot fudge brownie or a slice of pizza and I have been okay. Once you get over those initial 2 weeks, things get so much easier. Your cravings are controlled and eating healthy becomes a habit, not a chore.

Weight Watchers works, I have watched my body change in just 5 weeks. I have lost a total of about 15lbs in 5 weeks, without doing intensive workouts (actually I barely work out at all to be honest.) I have consistently lost 2-3lbs every week, so I know it's healthy weight loss that I will not allow to come back. I am going to start a workout routine since I only have 2 months left til the wedding and I'm sure this will tone me up and help with even more weight loss.

A few days ago, I tried on my wedding dress. When I purchased it in May, it was very tight, especially in the hip area. My stomach was permanently sucked in while wearing the dress and I never dared to try and sit down while wearing it because it was just so tight. When I tried on the same dress a few days ago, it wouldn't even stay on! I had to hold the dress up on me so it wouldn't slip and I have so much more room in my hips. The dress is so much more flattering on me now and I cant wait to see how much better it will look when I finish losing these 30 lbs!!

AAA

 On a positive note, I have to express how proud and happy I am to have my niece and nephews in my life. They have single handedly been the best thing that ever happened to me. They bring nothing but joy to my life and have truly been a blessing.

The love I feel for these babies can never be put into words. I am honored to be able to watch them grow and learn new things. They are the most perfect and beautiful babies I have ever seen and I will love them unconditionally for their entire lives.

Aaron, Alex and Alyssa have my heart in its entirety. I will always love them.



Alexander



Alyssa



Aaron









I and I

So my life has been completely swallowed up by wedding planning, almost every minute of my day consists of getting something done for this wedding...even though its 5 months away.  Despite all my time being devoted to this, I have to say that I absolutely love love LOVE planning this wedding.

Actually, I love planning and coordinating events in general. I have also taken on planning a July baby shower for a friend. I enjoy the creative process that goes into getting everything together. I enjoy making the phone calls to vendors and to find out information. I love coming up with decor themes and ideas, I just really enjoy the stress. It's invigorating rather than unhealthy. It's the endorphin inducing kind of stress, not the chemical imbalance kind and it is really good for me to feel like this.

I was at quite a low point almost two months ago, but I have to say that I have been feeling better. I have started an exercise routine and have changed my eating habits quite a bit. I am also taking vitamin B12 and fish oil and they have made such a difference in my energy levels and moods. I am generally in good spirits, which is such an accomplishment for me. I have my low, dark moments but it is no longer a consistent feeling. I am working so hard at maintaining myself at this level. It's crazy how much of an effort I have to make to avoid numbness, but it has certainly been worth it. I have accepted that I might never be what some might call "balanced" but the result of the work I put in outweighs the dark, abysmal and gaping hole.




It may seem easy to live numbly but please, promise me, you wont ever forget how to feel



I Still Dont Know What I Stand For

I've been in a funk lately. Let's just say that I have not been very pleasant to be around. After much analysis, and a laundry list of factors that contribute to my mood, I have come to the realization that I make no effort whatsoever to be happy.

I dont know what has given me the impression that happiness just walks in through my front door with no invitation needed. I never seemed to notice that happy people actually work at being happy. To me, it seemed like it was something they were born with and just came naturally to them. And while I do think there are naturally happy people out there, being consistently happy requires work.

I do NOTHING to make myself happy. In fact, I realize I do things that intentionally sabotage my happiness. For example, I have never regretted spending time with friends and yet I find myself constantly turning down invitations to meet up for lunch or to go watch a movie. Why? So I can wallow in loneliness at home? So I can complain about how I never seem to do anything fun? So I can give myself more time to think and analyze myself to death?

I dont really know why I do it. I could argue that being miserable does not require any effort on my part and therefore it is easier to be unhappy, but I would be wrong. Being unhappy requires just as much effort as its counterpart does. Just like you would chose to do things that make you happy, you choose to do things that make you unhappy.

I beleive that, innately, I am an unhappy person. My life has not been filled with things that make the average person innately happy. I did not have a conventional childhood, I did not have loving, supporting, normal parents, I did not do the average things children do in their youth. I didnt get to experience being carefree, or traveling, or playing or even doing the things I wanted to do without worry. I have been responsible my whole life. I have done "the right thing" my whole life... even when the right thing isnt what I really want to do.  Responsibility is all I know. It is what I am comfortable and familiar with. Responsibility doesnt have risks or consequences...there is no fear related to it. And that is the root of my problems.

I dont ever do what I want. I dont ever do what I think is gonna make me happy. I always do what is expected of me. I was expected to be a good student, so I was. I was expected to go college, get a job, be an adult, so I did all those things. Did I really want to do them? I'm not sure. At some point in my life I thought I did. Maybe at some point in my life, I did want to do these things but I am certain that I no longer feel that way. I no longer beleive that any of the things I have accomplished with my life were what I really wanted.

Thinking back, the things I have always really wanted to do have risks attached to them. I've always wanted to write a book, to travel the world, to open up a little coffee shop, but all these things have risks and risk is something I am not comfortable with. In fact, I was taught to avoid them at all costs. Now I see why I feel so little reward from my accomplishments. I have taken no risks. Just like they say the higher the risks, the higher the rewards, I am living proof that the lower the risks, the lower the rewards. At this point in my life, am I too old to start taking risks? How do I walk away from almost 26 years of responsibility? How do I make myself comfortable with doing things that might not be "right" or "responsible?"

I realize my life is not a movie where things always work out in the end. I know this is reality and that the risks I take wont always be rewarding, they will also have consequences. So it comes down to whether I choose to continue living safely or choose to live wildly. If I chose safety, I know things will turn out fine because they are fine now, but I also know I will lose the opportunity that have really lived my life and I could end up regretting it since I will never get it back. If I chose wild, I face the possibility of losing everything I have worked hard for but in my journey to "live" I might stumble upon what truly makes me happy.

Is the mere possibility of finding happiness worth facing the risk of losing the stability I have built? Is being stable worth more than living vs merely existing?

I do not know...I truly do not know.

Title of post is "Some Nights" by fun. Pretty fitting huh?

I'll Carry You Home Tonight

I've been sick as a dog the past 3 weeks. Just when I start to feel better, my throat gets itchy or my nose gets stuffy. Overall, I am feeling 100 times better now than I did 2 weeks ago..I  mean it was so bad, I didnt go to work for a full week.

In more interesting news, I've been looking for new music. I have a process I go through whenever I just get an itch to discover a new band or artist. What I do is keep a running lists of musicians that are mentioned in either magazine articles or randomly on the internet or facebook or if they are on the up and coming artist lists, or on the radio, etc. Then when the mood for a change strikes, I look up their music. I discovered one of my favorite bands, The Black Keys, this way.

I have recently discovered a new band called fun and I think I am going to be LOVING them for a while. They have released 2 albums, one a few years back and one Feb 2012 called Some Nights. Currently, their song "We Are Young" featuring Janelle Monae is being played on the radio non stop and I have to say that I absolutely adore it.

Their album is quite refreshing. There is such an eclectic mix of sounds and styles all mixed together but it flows beautifully. Sometimes they sound like Queen, sometimes they sound like Blink 182, sometimes they sound like Phoenix. Their songs are loud, with harsh beats and undertones in the background. It almost seems noisy but it works so well. The lyrics are clever, insighful and heartfelt. Listening to some songs, I imagine some of the lyrics are literally random thoughts that pop up in the writers mind. They are thoughts we all have and things we all feel but dont express them.

This band doesnt fit any mold and this album is unlike anything I have heard. I went through an array of emotions while listening to Some Nights. It makes you want to dance, to cry, to think, to feel, to sing out loud at the top of your lungs. "We Are Young" makes me want to be free, have fun, live wild...I imagine myself in a crowd of people shouting the chorus at the top of lungs and just feeling like I could live forever.

Like I'm infinite...

To Sacrifice But Knowing to Survive

I made a huge decision a few minutes ago...I have decided that I am going back to school to get my Master's degree.

And I'm scared....quite shitless

I have been out of school for almost 5 years now. I've always wanted to get my Master's but I have kept putting it off for years now. The best time would have been right after I got my Bachelor's since I was still in school mode but instead I needed a break. It was initially supposed to be a short break, like a year or so, but it has turned into a 5 year break.

I dont know how to get into the flow of school again. My last year in college, I worked 32 hours a week at a hotel and I was a Resident Assistant at school. The stress of work and school contributed to my mental downfall. I am scared that I might be overexerting myself again since I work so many hours at IBM. I dont even know how I will find time to take classes or much less study.

I could keep putting it off but when I make up my mind about something, there is no turning back for me. Something clicked this morning and this is an official decision. I am going to apply for Fordham Grad School since I got my Bachelor of Science there, but I think I'll aim a bit higher and perhaps try NYU or Columbia Grad schools. I mean, if I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna go all out and aim for the best. I also have to think about the financial aspect of this decision, so I might have to choose cheaper schools but I'll figure the details out as I go.

I'm terrified that this wont work out or that I'll fail, but I never want to look back and regret not doing this. If my mind is made up, I cannot and will not let fear stand in my way. I've always known sacrifices result in rewards and I have always survived all my sacrifices.

This one will not be any different

Title post is "Walk" by the Foo Fighters

My Worst Addictions

Has anyone noticed that Netflix has a shit ton of TV shows available for instant viewing now? At first, there were only a few ones there but now, they have EVERYTHING. Even National Geographic shows and How It's Made, Wicked Attraction, The Wonder Years, etc.

I have been on a TV show rampage lately. All I do is watch TV shows on Netflix. Mostly I'm stuck on How I Met Your Mother and Vampire Diaries. I'm obsessed really...it's pretty sad. How I Met Your Mother is HILARIOUS!!  Like roll on the floor, slap your leg, wiggle around, laugh like I've never laughed before hilarious. I swear there have been many a times where I have had to catch my breath from how funny this show is. I just love the relationships between all the characters on the show and I think it's so corny in the most hilarious way possible. I absolutely love this show!

Vampire Diaries is so entertaining. The show has so many twists and turns. There is always a surprise in each episode that keeps you on your toes. There is enough action and enough talk that you don't get bored either way. The story line is thrilling and exciting and everyone hooks up with each other. Overall, the show is hot and sexy. The three main actors are all so good looking. I just love the mystery behind the characters and the show in general. Plus, I'm a sucker for vampire romances. Trust me, this is no Twilight though. There is violence, blood, guts and sex here.

I'm also obsessed with The Walking Dead and Dexter :) I see a pattern..I seem to like dark, disturbing shows lol (with the exception of How I Met Your Mother) There's a bunch of other shows on my Netflix queue that I cant wait to start watching (United States of Tara mostly lol). This works out well for me since I'm trying not to go out and spend money all year

I'm Still Around

It seems like I have less and less time to myself nowadays. I literally have not been able to find 20 min to post on my blog. There are so many things going on right now. I have a very bad habit of always keeping myself super busy and working on some sort of project.

Here's an update of whats been going on so far:

1. Work-As much as I hate what I do, apparently I am good at it. I recently got a very unexpected promotion. I am now a balance sheet lead for global technological services at IBM. So I manage the companies technological assets and liabilties. This was truly unexpected as I had only been in my dept for less than a year, but I accepted the promotion for the challenge and the fact that it would look great on my resume. I hope I dont regret my decision

2. Family-The triplets turned one last week and I planned their birthday party. It was a small get together just for our families. I enjoyed planning it and everything turned out great. I spend a lot of my free time with the triplets and my sister. As crazy as those kids can get, I start to miss them if I dont see them every few days. I want to be a huge part of their life and I want to make sure they know and understand this. I never want them to miss me.

3. Relationship-So Victor and I just recently celebrated our seven year anniversary on the 9th of this month. I am absolutely certain that he is the one for me and after seven years together, and almost 2 years of being engaged, I finally decided to get these wedding plans started. We have decided on a destination wedding to Dominican Republic in October of this year. So I have been busy looking up wedding ideas and locations so I can finalize everything ASAP. I know that I'll blink and it will be Sept and I'll have nothing done, so I'm making sure to start early. I am enjoying planning this and it will definitely keep me busy for most of the year.

4. Health-I stepped off the exercize wagon  when I went to DR in December and I thought I would just climb back on but it has proven to be difficult. I am definitely gonna get myself back on, especially since I am going to have to go wedding dress shopping in a few months. I refuse to not look and feel my best on my wedding day.

5. Other-Along with the wedding planning, I am working on trying to finish decorating my apartment. I plan to stay here for quite some time while we save up to buy a house, so I want it to be comfortable and beautiful. So far, it feels large and empty so I have a few DIY projects I'm gonna start working on to fill up empty wall space.

I am also working on getting rid of all my debt by the end of this year. I am taking this so seriously, it's not even funny. I havent been going out at all and I have been so broke this whole year because I am sending ludicrous amounts of money to pay off my credit cards. I even set up this spreadsheet where I can cross off things as I pay them and I'll know how much credit I have available and where to move around my balances so that I could pay the least interest. This is no joke to me

I am excited about this year. I think I am gonna get a lot accomplished and I have a lot to look forward to.

The Importance of Being Earnest

I started this post on the 28th of December but never finished it. So here is what I wrote..it's basically some updates for the month of December.

First, my car was fixed...all $6,452 worth of damage. It runs well but I can tell that its not the same as it was before. The auto repair shop did a pretty good job fixing everything but as we speak, my car is in the shop again because I felt like my trunk wasnt closing all the way and my passenger side lights didnt work. So I didnt have signal lights or brake lights on the right side of the car. I could get a ticket or get into another accident, so I took the car back for the final repairs.

Second, on Dec 13th, my mother and I left to Dominican Republic for a family reunion that week. I came back the 19th and my mother came back the 23rd. We were flying using a buddy pass that I got from Victor's job so the tickets were pretty cheap but we have to fly stand by. Turns out everyone and their mother goes to Dominican Republic in December, so I didnt end up leaving on the flight I wanted to. In fact, we ended up going to Puerto Rico and stayed there for 2 days at my aunts house, then took a flight to Dominican Republic Thursday morning, the 15th.

While in DR, we took the opportunity to visit as much family as possible the few days I was there. I spent a lot of time amongst my cousins that took care of me when I was just months old and with cousins that are close to my age and I never get to see because of the distance. On the 18th, we had the family reunion and I got to meet uncles and cousins that I only knew by name. There were people that I never even knew existed and there were people that I had only met once in my life and didnt even recognize them. The experience was unforgettable. I have to say it was one of the best in my entire life. The way I felt amongst my family was surreal. Everyone was accepting and everyone embraced the other as if we knew each other our whole lives. I was comfortable, I didnt feel judged, I felt loved, content and I felt so happy.

I am glad I got to realize how important family really is and how necessary it is to ones health. I will definitely be making more of an effort to stay in contact and to visit family as often as I can.