I Haven't Found a Drop of Life

I have to say that I don't particularly enjoy this time of year very much. The weather is cold and dreary and it gets dark out at 5pm. Things to do are pretty limited because its freezing out..and I mean freezing literally. The highest temperatures the past few weeks have been in the teens. Also, it is the beginning of an entire year and while that year goes by quickly, I don't feel the speed of time passing by until a few months in.

So right now, I've been feeling anxious. Like I'm waiting for something to happen but not enough time has gone by yet. I don't know if I'm waiting for warmer weather or for motivation or what, but I feel like I'm at a stand still. When I picture this year in my head, I see myself having so much fun but we are already 2 months in and nothing has happened. For some reason, I just feel lost and like something is missing.

Someone once said "the two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why." I guess I have yet to experience the second most important day of my life...

Title post is from "Addict with a Pen" by Twenty One Pilots

Day 19-Write About a Sweet Memory From Your Past

I have quite a limited memory, however I do remember a few things that make me smile. For example, I remember when school was out for the summer, my sister and me used to do so many things to keep ourselves entertained.

I remember we used to go to the library with our two best friends and we use to take out all the RL Stine books and try to read every single one of them throughout the summer. We also used to walk around looking for an open fire hydrant to play around in (I grew up in the Bronx, this was our idea of sprinklers and a pool).

We used to stay up late watching MTV and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches EVERY SINGLE DAY. We also used to watch The Golden Girls marathon every time it came on. We used to rollerblade outside our building, but only from corner to corner, we couldnt turn. Or we used to go to the park near our house and pretty much just waste time all day. Those were the days...

Mis Lagrimas Hacen Un Mar

Anyone remember Enrique Iglesias when he first came out and only sang in Spanish? One of his songs was the theme song to a novela that my Mom used to watch. It's a really beautiful song and I woke up singing it this morning for some strange reason. I remember my sister and me having the biggest crush on him because of this song too.

Those were the days....Here is "Si Tu Te Vas"

And These Foolish Games....

In keeping up with the throwback to the 90's, that I begun a few weeks ago, I wanted to share Jewel "Foolish Games."(Click for video). I woke up with this song in my head today. I had forgotten how much I loved this song back then. I especially love the following lines:

"Well, excuse me,

Guess I've mistaken you for somebody else,
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself "

Its hard to pick out specific lyrics because, honestly, the whole song is lyrically excellent. Its hard not to be affected by the pain in her voice. I mean, I have no doubt in my mind that her heart is breaking. I can actually feel her pain and the confusion caused by the foolish games people play when in relationships.

I think this is song is a great example of how pop music has gone downhill. Its so difficult to find songs this well written and composed and this touching. Maybe its just me...I dont know, but in any case, I still absolutely love this song after so many years ;)

Why Wont You Live For Me?

I've been listening to some, what would now be considered old school, 90's music and I think I'll start sharing some good songs in hopes that it will bring back memories or I could introduce people to what I listened to back in the day. I noticed that I liked a very wide variety of music back then, just like I do now.

So, does anyone remember The Fugees and their big hit Killing Me Softly? I've been obsessively listening to some of their lead singer's, Lauryn Hill, songs off her "The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill" album. Back in the day, this album was revered. It was like a 90's masterpiece, and I have to agree. There are some excellent, EXCELLENT songs on this album. Lauryn Hill is the motherf*cking shit in this album.

I'm not sure what happened to her but I believe she peaked with this album because her new stuff does not compare. One song that I truly love is The Ex-Factor. I think everyone can relate to these lyrics. Its about that one person that you know you need to walk away from but at the same time you need them in your life. Its about truly loving someone to the point where they are the only one that can hurt you. Its about falling into a cycle of love and pain. At the end, she asks "why wont you live for me?" and the way she says this brings tears to my eyes. Its just brilliant...

Day 16-A Song That Makes You Cry (Or Emotional)

I have been touched by many, many songs in my lifetime. Some songs evoke emotion upon first hearing them because they are so beautiful and touching. Others have sad meanings or the melodies cries. And then there are other songs that are sung with such pain that you cant help but feel the singers emotions. Lastly, there are songs that bring back memories that make you emotional and nostalgic.

I chose a song that brings back memories. This song is a Spanish song called "Si Tu Me Dices Ven" by Zaccarias Ferreira, a Dominican Bachata singer. I found a stray Mixed CD in my car the other day and I was playing through it to see what songs were on it. When this song came on, I audibly gasped and started to cry. I was infront of Victor when this happened and it took me a few minutes to compose myself. Thankfully, he never asked me what was wrong.

I cant explain why but this song evoked so many emotions in me. It made me remember a time in my youth when I was on top of the world because I had great friends. It was a time in my life where everything was about my friends and myself. I remember it was a big group of us and we all started dating each other (because thats what a group of hormonal teenage boys and girls do) and we were all at a party. One of the guys requested this song to be played and all the guys dedicated it to us girls.

This memory and what it entails made me incredibly nostalgic. I was glad that it was a memory I didnt block out and could actually remember but at the same time I was so sad because I'll never experience it again. At that time, me and that group of friends thought we would all be friends forever. One of us passed away the summer of that same year and we all fell apart. I guess we couldnt be together anymore because there was someone missing. This persons death is the reason why I limit my frienships now. I learned that it really fucking hurts to lose someone you care so much about at such a young age. That lesson has stuck with me for life and I still mourn this persons death because along with him dying, so did my desire to make friends.

This song is beautiful both in its meaning and melody. It makes me remember that at one point in my life, I didnt question reality. I just lived. It makes me believe that one day, I can be that way again....

Rabbit Rabbit

Remember when we were kids and we beleived that if the first thing we said the morning of the first day of a month was "Rabbit rabbit" we would have good luck for the whole month?....Anybody?... I hope someone else knows what Im talking about lol

Needless to say, I never remembered to say "rabbit rabbit" first and always attributed my bad luck to forgetting to say it. Such a simple time....

Lately, Ive been thinking a lot about my childhood. I'm not sure why though. Ive just been feeling very nostalgic and Ive been remembering a lot of things that I never think about. Ive been relishing in remembering happier and simpler times when I was so carefree and didnt really understand the world. In other words, times when I wasnt so cynical.

I always attribute myself to being so grown up and mature but both a co-worker and my boyfriend recently told me that I act like a kid. I think its because Ive been letting go and just trying to be more carefree. I guess its been working.....My co-worker, Wally, also told me to just have some fun once in a while and I dont know why but that hit home.

I decided that I want to be jovial and young at heart. Im tired of the heavy, mature burden Ive been carrying my whole life. Carefree is something foreign to me but I dont want it to be any longer. I want to enjoy myself and do things a 23 year old should be doing. My youth is just beginning. Im not planning on having kids until Im at least 30 so I have a good 7 years to have fun.

And I think that FINALLY, Im gonna take advantage of that

*Thanks Wally

Pacing the Cage

"I never knew what you all wanted
So I gave you everything
All that I can pillage
All the spells that I could see
Its as if the thing were written
In the constitution of the age
Sooner or later, you'll wind up pacing the cage"

Pacing the Cage
Paper Rivals

I cried yesterday. I cried in a way that I havent cried in a long time. I cried as if I had lost something, as if I was in mourning. Yesterday was one of those days where everything I try to keep together felt like it was falling apart, so in some essence I was in mourning.

I am so tired. So tired. Tired of being the glue. Im tired of playing mediator to people who dont seem to care whether they get along or not. Im tired of being so tired of doing this. Ive played this role since my so called childhood. So called because I never had a childhood and I cant even remember a time when I didnt think like an adult. When I was about 9 years old, my mom asked me whether I thought her and my father should get a divorce. How do you ask a 9 year old this question? Funny thing is that I answered like an adult would. I said "Well, can you afford to be on your own? If not, then I think you guys should work it out." Yes, I was 9....

After all these years of always being there for everyone else, I have to wonder: what about me? Who ever wonders about me? Who solves my problems for me? Who gives me advice? Who is my glue?

No one....

People dont even know I have problems because, not only do I try to avoid them, but I solve my own problems right away. Most would say I am boring and dont take risks but thats only because when shit hits the fan, the only one there to clean everything up is me. No one is there for me yet I am expected to resolve all the bullshit drama everyone else creates.

And Im just tired. Tired of keeping myself together so that others wont fall apart. There is only so much I could handle and at the same time, I dont even know how to be any other way.

Shameless Plugging

Doing a double post today just because I have a lot on my mind. The holidays are so drama filled and make me so nostalgic. While I enjoyed Christmas, there was also some drama as per usual. I understand why my mother has kept us away from her family. They can be ignorant and hurtful and I see she was just trying to protect us. Although family is important to me, I now see that it doesnt necessarily mean I have to be close to all of them. Lets see what happens for New Years

I also want to take the time to plug for a very talented friend of mine, Delilah (My Favorite Color is Clear) She did an awesome mural on the hallway wall in my apartment. It looks so beautiful and I just love it. She even painted what would be a carving of Victor and my initials in the tree lol.

She also gave me two beatiful decorative art pieces for Christmas. Im hanging them up in my kitchen. She has the cutest stamp which is kind of like her "logo". Its Girl Meets Bunny Productions...how cute?

Also, Im thinking about doing a few colored streaks in my hair. I inserted a hair piece similar to what I would want to get. Im gonna wear it to work and see if they say anything, if not....Ill do it!! What do you think?