Still Into You

Every once in a while I get the urge to be mushy and loving, this is one of those times.

Does anyone ever have a moment where they are overpowered by the feelings they have for someone else? Like you are just sitting there and then all of a sudden you get hit with a wave of emotion. You realize things, good or bad, that perhaps you have never noticed before and you are left with a life changing feeling once this moment passes.

This happened to me recently. I started thinking about my husband (still not used to calling him that) and I was overwhelmed by what I felt for him. I realized that we have been together for 8 years and my feelings for him are still as strong as the day I fell in love. If we were to ever part, I would compare every man to him and I know that nobody would ever live up to him.

I still get butterflies before I see him sometimes, I miss him when I dont get to spend time with him even though we live together, and the greatest feeling in the world is falling asleep next to him. Now I know that I am dangerously close to being corny as fuck, but these things are all true and I want to put them out there. I really and truly love my husband, he is one of a kind. He is so sweet, genuine, funny and has the best heart. He had the worst upbringing and had nobody to guide him and yet he managed to authentically be a good person. He kept himself together and went against the odds to make something of himself. That kind of achievement deserves respect and honor.

Everyday I realize how lucky I am to have married someone like him. He lets me be myself and never judges me. He lets me have my freedom and supports all my antics, even when they dont make sense and this lets me know that he wants me to be happy. And because we are a real couple, things are not always rainbows and unicorns, but even at our worst moments, I never have any regrets about him and I have never, ever questioned how I feel about him. In fact, when everything is out of control in my life, the one thing I am sure about is how I feel about him. It's my connection to reality, it keeps me grounded and it brings me back.

And now that I have crossed the corny/pathetic line, I can wrap this up. My husband is not perfect and has many flaws, but so do I. I never believed in marriage but now that I am married, I get it. It is different from just being in a relationship because you take a vow and you are bonded both spiritually and legally. You become family despite not sharing blood and there is nothing more important in life than family. Life is not a fairy tale, he is not Prince Charming, I am not Cinderella. He didnt sweep me up on his white horse or release me from a tower. My life is no Disney movie, but it's still pretty damn perfect.



Title of Song is "Still Into You" by Paramore which describes everything I'm feeling perfectly. 

2012 A Year in Review

Well I definitely don't write here as often as I did in the past. I truly don't know why because I love to write and I'm sure I could find the time a few days a week. I guess I'll make that a New Year's Resolution then. It's not too early to start talking about the new year since we are exactly 18 days away from 2013.

It really feels like this year just flew by. There are so many things that happen in 12 months but it all just feels like yesterday so it's hard to grasp the fact that so much time has gone by.So I put together a list of all my favorite things that happened in 2012. I think I am gonna try to do this every year going forward.

2012: My Favorite Events

-The triplets turned one

-Made 7 years with Victor

-Saw The Black Keys in concert for the first time

-Visited my godsister in VA

-Started planning my wedding 

-Took Alyssa to get her first haircut

-Went apple picking

-Got a Keurig

-My little brother graduated from high school

-Helped my brother move into his dorm

-Victor got his Associates Degree

-Had the opportunity to spend some time in Argentina and Uruguay

- Got to vacation in Dominican Republic with all my best friends and family

-Got MARRIED in Dominican Republic

-Lost 20lbs and have kept them off 

-Went to a family reunion for a second year in a row

-Voted for the 3rd time in my life!

-Planned a baby shower :)

-Got to see the triplets begin to grow up

I'm sure there is much more but I cant remember it all. This gives me hope for 2013 because so many wonderful things happened in 2012 without me even making an effort. Come next year, I will make an effort and I think it will be a good year :)

After My Blood Turns Into Alcohol

The mood to write strikes when I feel down and out. At this point, I don't think it matters because I don't think anybody reads this blog anymore anyway.

There are so many exciting and life changing things that will be happening in the next few weeks and while I do feel excited and happy, I am also sad and depressed. I'm scared of change, I'm scared that I don't know what I'm doing, that I wont be ready for these changes, that I'll fail in my new role. There is so much uncertainty about everything that's gonna happen  and I cant find a source of comfort or an anchor to root me in this chaos. I have never thought it possible to feel so lonely amidst so much loving and caring people that surround me. I continue to seek the support and approval of the one person who will not give it to me.

At this point, I am doubting things and it's all stacking up. I wish I could just find some stability, some relief, something familiar, something that will let me know it will all be okay. I search and search and have no clue what I'm looking for. All I know is I have yet to find it. When will I feel like I will be okay?

I feel like I have lost so much in the past year and I'm still grieving what I thought my life was gonna be like. What I wanted my life to be like, what I EXPECTED my life to be like. At what point will I accept that nothing is like it was? At what point will I be okay with the fact that things wont ever be the same? Do I have to lose myself in the process of accepting change and adapting? Or do I become a different person? Or do I simply live in a perpetual state of nostalgia? I have so many questions and don't know where to begin to find the answers I need.



Title of post is from "Give Me Love" by Ed Sheeran

AAA

 On a positive note, I have to express how proud and happy I am to have my niece and nephews in my life. They have single handedly been the best thing that ever happened to me. They bring nothing but joy to my life and have truly been a blessing.

The love I feel for these babies can never be put into words. I am honored to be able to watch them grow and learn new things. They are the most perfect and beautiful babies I have ever seen and I will love them unconditionally for their entire lives.

Aaron, Alex and Alyssa have my heart in its entirety. I will always love them.



Alexander



Alyssa



Aaron









I'm Half Alive But Feel Mostly Dead

Today I feel so sad that I have to write about it in order to let some of this sadness go.

I've been watching a lot of wedding shows on TLC and WEtv. Not only are they entertaining but I like to see what other people are doing in their weddings or what kind of wedding dresses people are buying, etc. After several marathons the past few weeks, I noticed a trend: every single person chosen for all these shows (Say Yes to the Dress, Four Weddings, My Fair Wedding with David Tuttera, etc) has so much love and support in their lives. I mean these women bring a crowd of people with them just to select a wedding dress. Every single person cries when she chooses the right dress. The mom is so proud of the daughter and the father is so happy, etc. They have nothing but nice things to say about the bride and how deserving she is of everything she is getting.

What the fuck? Is this real life? I've come to the conclusion that either people like me dont get married or these television networks dont select people like me or with similar stories to go on TV. I have never seen a bride on any of these shows that I could relate to and it makes me sad because I start to realize that my wedding experience has been far from fairy tale worthy so far. As a matter of fact, nothing in my life has ever been fairy tale worthy and it just makes me wonder why?

My wedding is planned on the tightest and lowest of budgets. I am getting no financial help or support for this from anyone. It is all coming out of the money I have saved for years and once that is used up, the rest will be paid by credit cards. My mom didnt go with me to pick out my wedding dress and when I tried it on for her, she didnt cry with joy at all. She hates my dress and tried to convince me to get a different one. Now I question my dress and wonder if it's even right for me. I feel like I'm settling because the price was affordable and so far  I've had to settle for so many things simply because I cant afford what I really want.

Perhaps the saddest part of this all, is that my father will not be attending my wedding. Not because he cant, but because he doesnt want to. He gave me every excuse in the book and when I refuted each excuse with a valid point, he flat out told me he refused to come. I've held on to that news for a little while now and had to release it before it consumed me. So I will not have my father give me away at my wedding and I will not have a father/daughter dance. My father will not tear up as I say my vows, he will not beam with pride and he will not think I am the most beautiful bride.

 I will walk myself down the aisle. I will give myself away.

This all just makes me wonder what all those other girls have that I dont? Why do they get unconditional love and support? Why do they get unlimited budgets to select their dresses and to prepare their wedding? Why do they get to live out their dreams and I dont? It all makes me feel so inadequate and miserable.

I dont want to seem like I dont appreciate the support I have gotten so far, because I really and truly do. There have been many, many people that have been there for me thus far and my gratitude cannot be expressed in words. They have kept me going so far. I guess the problem is that I still have not gotten the support I need the most, the support I have seeked for years, the support that will sustain me,

the support from my father.

Title of post from "You Were Meant For Me" by Jewel

Always Be My Baby

Yesterday was my little brother's prom. I still cannot get over how handsome he looked in his tux with his little bowtie. This past month has been so hard for me to go through because it is finally hitting home that my little brother is not little anymore. He is 18 years old and he is so intelligent, mature, responsible, trustworthy, humble, dependable, witty, wise, funny, handsome...and I could go on and on with nothing but positive adjectives to describe him. I cannot articulate how proud I am of my brother. I have no doubt in my mind he will become whatever he wants to be. He is exceptionally intelligent and motivated and I am confident in him and his abilities.

I've been in love with my little brother since he was born. He's been my little baby for years and now he's an adult with a car, a steady girlfriend, graduating high school and starting an excellent college (NYU) in the fall. It's hard to grasp that without feeling old and without feeling like I could lose him. I guess this is how parents feel when their kids start getting older.

I hope that when my brother looks back on his life, he can see how much I absolutely admire him and adore him unconditionally. I hope he can tell that I do and will support him in all his choices. I hope that he knows that I would give up my life for him without any doubt in my mind. I would do anything for him and I will applaud him like he deserves. I will give him the guidance, praise and assurance that I never got and that I needed at his age. I will encourage him to do what makes him happy and I will ensure he finds happiness.

I hope he notices that I tried to shield him from all the drama that comes with my family and I tried to ensure he had a normal childhood. I hope that he is able to look back on his childhood and have more happy memories than sad ones. I hope he knows that nothing will ever change the amount of love I have for him.

Most importantly, I hope he knows that no matter what happens, no matter how much time goes by, no matter how old we are, no matter the circumstances, he will always, always, always be my little brother.

The Most Beautiful Song of All Time

When I was a little girl, my parents listened to a very famous and very talented singer/poet named Juan Luis Guerra. If you mention him to any Dominican person, they know exactly who he is. He is like the Bob Dylan/Bruce Springsteen of Dominican Republic.

Basically, Juan Luis Guerra turns his poems into music. So his songs are not only pleasant to the ear but they are also lyrically beautiful. I am in constant search of artists that are exceptional writers. To me, lyrics are more important that the sound of the artist. There are a lot of people out there that sing fantastically but to be able to both write and sing well is rare.

With that said, I was listening to some old Spanish songs I grew up with. One of them is a Juan Luis Guerra song called "Burbujas de Amor." I have to say that this has to be the most beautiful love song ever written. The imagery expressed in this song is out of this world. The meaning get lost in the translation into English but basically he discusses how he wishes he was a fish that would forever be wet with this love he feels for a woman. He would touch his nose to his fish tank and make love bubbles all over the tank. He would make silhouettes of love under the moonlight and he talks about how just the sound of her voice makes him weak. It all sounds so strange in English, but I guarantee you ask any Spanish person and they will understand.

In any case, I have never heard a more beautiful metaphor for love. It stirred up a lot of memories and I was overcome with nostalgia about the past and my childhood. I dont often think about my childhood, but this song took me right back and man did I break down. I had such a strong connection to my past through this song that I could have sworn I was 8 years old again. I remembered my parents listening to this song, I remembered when I first heard it. I remembered how simple life was during that time.

Mostly, I remember my dad and I cried like a baby because I realized how much I miss him. I would do anything to have my dad back. Remembering how he used to be really opened my eyes to how much he has changed and this realization has left me helplessly broken. 

The Importance of Being Earnest

I started this post on the 28th of December but never finished it. So here is what I wrote..it's basically some updates for the month of December.

First, my car was fixed...all $6,452 worth of damage. It runs well but I can tell that its not the same as it was before. The auto repair shop did a pretty good job fixing everything but as we speak, my car is in the shop again because I felt like my trunk wasnt closing all the way and my passenger side lights didnt work. So I didnt have signal lights or brake lights on the right side of the car. I could get a ticket or get into another accident, so I took the car back for the final repairs.

Second, on Dec 13th, my mother and I left to Dominican Republic for a family reunion that week. I came back the 19th and my mother came back the 23rd. We were flying using a buddy pass that I got from Victor's job so the tickets were pretty cheap but we have to fly stand by. Turns out everyone and their mother goes to Dominican Republic in December, so I didnt end up leaving on the flight I wanted to. In fact, we ended up going to Puerto Rico and stayed there for 2 days at my aunts house, then took a flight to Dominican Republic Thursday morning, the 15th.

While in DR, we took the opportunity to visit as much family as possible the few days I was there. I spent a lot of time amongst my cousins that took care of me when I was just months old and with cousins that are close to my age and I never get to see because of the distance. On the 18th, we had the family reunion and I got to meet uncles and cousins that I only knew by name. There were people that I never even knew existed and there were people that I had only met once in my life and didnt even recognize them. The experience was unforgettable. I have to say it was one of the best in my entire life. The way I felt amongst my family was surreal. Everyone was accepting and everyone embraced the other as if we knew each other our whole lives. I was comfortable, I didnt feel judged, I felt loved, content and I felt so happy.

I am glad I got to realize how important family really is and how necessary it is to ones health. I will definitely be making more of an effort to stay in contact and to visit family as often as I can.

Your Love Is Gonna Drown

Normally the holidays would be a time of joy for most people, but then there are a group of people that hate the holidays and it only brings sadness to them. This year, I think I am a part of the sad holiday crew.

The holidays are reminding me of all the things that no longer exist. Things I had and things that were and could never be again. There is an emptiness and a void stemming from the fact that nothing is that way it was and nothing is the way it should be. The way I want it to be...the way it could be. I feel empty and I feel lonely.

So fucking lonely.


Title of post is from "Marching Bands of Manhattan" by Death Cab for Cutie

The Holidays Are a Comin'!

Today is Halloween. I dont know about anyone else, but this is my least favorite holiday of the year. Actually, let me be completely honest. I HATE Halloween, I really do. Mostly, it's because everything on TV is about haunted this and haunted that. All the horror movies get played. Everything is about ghosts, vampires, witches, etc. I am the biggest wuss on the planet. I cannot deal with things that involve paranormal events. It is foolishly one of my biggest fears...I just cannot deal with things that I cant see or control.

The only good thing about this time of year is that Thanksgving is closer. I decided I wanted to have Thanksgiving dinner in my new apartment this year. It's big enough for my whole family to fit. This way, all drama can be avoided because I will kick people out of my apartment if they dont act right. My mom can cook the turkey in my place and I'll make all the side dishes if she wants. My focus is to make this holiday the least dramatic and the happiest as possible.

I am excited to provide a happy and safe environment for my niece and nephews this year and I want to make this a tradition for them, so they could love and look forward to this time of year. Hmm...maybe I'll make a good mom...isnt that a motherly to feel that way? I'm scaring myself

I've Sorted Out My Life..My Tragic Life

I need to get back into the flow of blogging more often. I realized it has been almost a month since my last blog. I guess I'll just list some things I have been up to:

1. Spending lots and lots of time with three beautiful and perfect babies

Aaron, Alyssa and Alex

2. Enjoying I Am The Avalanche's new album "Avalanche United" Good job guys!
I love how eventhough Vinny is the lead singer, he is not in the center of the picture of the album cover. The message this sends is that although he is technically the "frontman" they are a band and he is not the only one to represent them. :)

3. Still trying to make my new apartment a home. It's still a bit empty but I'm getting there

4. Really feeling good ever since I started my non-processed foods diet. I am only eating natural and healthy things. Nothing boxed or canned, no carbs at all and absolutely no fast food anymore. I've been doing it for 2 weeks and I feel amazing. I cook all my meals and eat a ridiculous amounts of vegetables daily. I have more strenght and energy and I automatically wake up after 7 hrs of sleep without a problem. I am super surprised at what an overall difference I feel from just removing all the crap I used to eat from my diet.

5. I joined a Fitness Study where I get three 30 minute sessions with a professional trainer every week for 3 weeks. It's to test out the level of fitness in people who dont work out on a regular basis (yours truly). They took all my stats (weight, bmi, body fat percentage, etc) and then they will take them again at the end of the three weeks and compare them to show that just working out 3 times a week makes a difference. I've done one complete week and the soreness in my body has never felt so good.

6. Almost done watching Season 3 of True Bloodand hating that I have to wait til Season 4 comes out to watch it on DVD.

7. Absolutely hating that I'm too cheap to pay for Showtime so I am missing Season 6 of Dexter. I miss you Dexter!! Also, as of Season 5, Debra doesnt annoy me as much as she did in the first 4 seasons...weird

8. Seriously deciding whether I want to remain at current place of my employment or take a risk and find something with another company. The pay is not increasing but my responsibility is and the flexibility my company provides me is no longer worth it. Also, maybe I want to go back to school to get my masters...but I dont know if I'm ready for that just yet

9. Looking for ways to spend some quality time with Victor

10. Really enjoying the fall weather and the season in general. Loving all the cinnamon, nutmeg and pumpkin. Unfortunately, I dont drink pumpkin lattes anymore but I make my own coffee with pumpkin spice in it :) I am also looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas and making sure these holidays are extra special for the triplets :)

Title post is from "Holy Fuck" by I Am The Avalanche

Day 20-Write a Letter to Someone

Dear _____,

With age and experience, I have realized that you are not the person I have always thought you were. Looking back over the years, I see things that I was so oblivious to simply because I looked up to you. You were the strongest, wisest person I knew. You were someone I wanted to be like when I grew up.

Now that I am grown up, I am actively working on being the total opposite of you. It angers me that all this time, I had no clue about anything but yet it also saddens me because I dont think you have a clue either. You have hurt me in so many ways and it has taken me so many years to realize and accept. Every day I see something about you that I dont like. Everyday I notice something new about you that was right there all along and I just chose to ignore it.

But I cannot ignore these things any longer. The truth is that while you may be strong in your own way, you are a manipulative, selfish, controlling, self loathing, overbearing, negative and pessimistic person. You have influenced my entire life and my way of being. You have instilled in me all the qualities that I never wished to possess. You robbed me of my youth and of childhood experiences all because you needed someone to be there for you. I was never meant to be your friend. I was never meant to bear your burden. I was never meant to feel your pain but I had no choice because I didnt know any better back then.

However, I know better now and I will no longer continue to bear the brunt of your problems. I will no longer carry your issues on my shoulders. I will no longer continue to parent you, the way you should have done to me. I am forcing you to grow up and accept responsibilities for your own actions, suffer the consequences of your actions and accept the fact that you are far from perfect. I will no longer make decisions for you, so that when things go wrong you have someone else to blame. I will not suffer for your mistakes.

I love you more than words could describe and I will never stop loving you, no matter what happens, but I cannot allow you to continue to force me to live for you and only you. I have to live for myself and you cant and wont make me feel guilty about it anymore.

Yours Truly,

Maurylyne

Day 14- A Picture of You and Your Family

Dad, Mom, Chris (brother), Me, Teresa (Sister)

It saddens me to look at this picture because I dont know if we will ever get to take another picture of the 5 of us together. It also saddens me because I dont think there are any other pictures of us besides this one. Were we ever happy?
I'll never know...

Day 9- Something You're Proud of in the Past Few Days

I am not one to readily admit I have been wrong. I guess maybe it is because most of the time, I usually am right and that tends to make me a know-it-all and kind of a smart ass. I dont do it intentionally...I just sort of come off that way.

I have been seeing a therapist lately because of several issues that have been going on with my family, my father in particular. This therapist has pointed out several things about my parents that I have never realized before. He also pointed out several things that I do in my relationship that mirrors what my parents do in theirs.

One of these things I mirror from my mother is playing the victim. I poke and push and provoke Victor until he cant take it anymore and lashes out at me. Then I play the whole "I dont deserve for you to yell at me/You dont have a reason to be so mad/Why would you speak to me that way?" role. But the truth is that if you provoke someone enough times and for a period of time, they are inevitably going to explode. How could I not expect Victor to lash out when I have been nagging him incessantly?

After having that very life changing and very difficult epiphany, I have been making the effort to catch myself doing this. And I have caught myself..more than once. The first time I caught myself, I walked away from him, took several minutes to compose myself and then actually took responsibility for my actions and gave him the true and heartfelt apology he deserved.

I was very proud of myself because I set my pride aside (which was difficult), accepted responsibility (which was more difficult) and said "I'm sorry" and actually meant it from the bottom of my heart (which was the most difficult). It felt liberating to do this and it took him by surprise. He never expected it and it definitely shifted the dynamic of our relationship. So in the end, it was so worth it

Day 7- A Picture of Someone/Something That Has Had the Biggest Impact on You

(left to right: Alyssa, Aaron & Alex)

My niece and nephews have had a huge impact in my life. Because of them, I am close with my sister again, the way we used to be, the way it always should have been. Because of them, I realized that I am capable of loving unconditionally. They have given me a reason to be a better person because I want to be there for them in every way I can. I am still amazed at how I am so willing to change everything I am, just because I want these children to have the best life they possible could. Actually feeling these things has impacted my life more than anything else had, and it's all because of these beautiful and perfect babies :D

Too Young to Die But Old Is The Grave

I have kind of been neglecting this blog for a bit. There are some serious issues that I have been dealing with that have really made me struggle to hold onto who I am as an individual, a daughter, a sister, a girlfriend, a friend, and simply as a human being.

Over the past few months, my family and myself have noticed significant changes in my father. My father was the type of man that enjoyed simple things. Spending an entire weekend eating, drinking wine and watching movie marathons on the SciFi channel would be a perfect weekend for him. There was nothing that he loved more than having a few drinks, creating new mixed drinks, or sharing a whole bottle of any type of liquor with people. As of recent months, my father no longer drinks any alcohol, not even wine. There aren't even any liquor bottles in my parents house. He no longer eats, he no longer sleeps and he no longer watches television. At all.

He is a completely different man

He has also been stuck on the idea that my mother is having an affair (well, several affairs now). At first, we thought he was being a typical jealous Dominican man. Jealousy runs in Latin men's blood since they are raised to believe a woman should stay home tending to her husband's every need (holds back vomit.) However, things kept taking a turn for the worse. He would accuse my mother of sleeping with any and every man we knew. He even accused her of sleeping with family friends that were women! He accused her of poisoning his food, of performing voodoo on him, putting sleeping pills in his drink, dressing provocatively, cheating with her doctors, her co-workers, her co workers husbands, her friends husbands and pretty much anyone that came to his mind.

All the while during his accusations, he was unable to produce a single piece of evidence. No phone calls, no voice mails, no sightings, no pictures, no text messages, no comparisons, no motives, no nothing. He would follow her, watch her, even hired someone to follow her, took her cell phone, and did several things that would have led him to find SOMETHING, anything...but he still produced nothing. And since he has been unable to produce evidence, he started saying that my mother placed a spell on him to blind him from seeing/finding evidence. She had a spell put on herself to protect her while she is out and about fornicating with several men and women. He became paranoid about everything and everyone. He would ask a question and you would answer him and then 5 minutes later he would ask the same question in a different manner to see if you would give him a different answer so he can try to catch you in a lie. He became a man obsessed, a man on a mission to catch my mother in an act that she wasn't even doing.

My father even went as far as saying that my mother belongs to a cult where women meet once a week to devise plans on how to control their husbands so they could go around whoring themselves out. This cult would send subliminal messages through the phone to people they wanted to influence and this is also how they would "prey" on the men that they wanted to sleep with. Mind you, my father is a very intelligent, scientific and highly educated man who got a Master's degree in Mathematics.

Wait, it gets worse...

This whole time all these things are going on, we had an idea that something was not right with him. We knew something was going on, but couldn't figure out what. We chalked it up to a mid life crisis and perhaps a nervous breakdown, but he just kept getting worse and worse. We started to notice these changes I spoke about in his behavior. We would also notice that he would suddenly break down in tears often. He would also threaten to disappear from our lives, threatened suicide when nobody believed him, and he would sometimes regress to child like behaviors and patterns.

Even with all of these somewhat clear signs, I still had a thought in the back of my mind that maybe he was right about everything. Maybe there were things that we just weren't seeing and weren't catching on to. Maybe, since he was obsessed, he noticed things we didn't. So I started to watch my mother's every move, watched the way she spoke, her behavior, analysed her words, dissected them, read into every line, noticed how she dressed, how she walked, how she moved. I watched every single detail my brain was capable of processing. I found nothing different, nothing that seemed like strange behavior from my mother, nothing out of the ordinary and nothing to lead me to believe that my father was right.

Then earlier this week, my father called me with something that made me realize that he was in serious need of help. I realized this was not normal jealousy or a mid life crisis or a nervous breakdown as we previously thought. My father had a mental problem...something way more serious than I ever imagined. Earlier this week, he called me and told me that he had discovered something that would seal the deal and convince everyone of my mother's "infidelity." He told me he was more than 100% sure of this news and he would lay his neck on the line to show he was right. He spoke with such conviction that I believed him before he even told me what it was. He went on to say that he was certain that my mother was sleeping with my fiancee, Victor, and with my sister's boyfriend, Stephen, who lives in the basement with my sister and her kids.

My heart literally came out of my ass at this point

It was right then and there that I knew he was not in tune with reality and he was not mentally well. I did some research on the Internet and looked up all his symptoms (delusions, paranoia, etc) and I discovered that there is a disorder called delusional disorder. There are 6 types of delusions, and one of them is jealousy where the person is convinced their spouse is cheating on them.

This disorder is a psychotic mental disorder where a person believes a delusion that could be possible and plausible, but is certainly not true. People with this disorder lead high functioning normal lives and don't really exhibit bizarre behaviors other than the delusions. These delusions can also be linked to other psychotic disorders, such as bipolar disorder or schizophrenia. The symptoms of this disorder, along with everything else associated with it, describes my father to a T. I have no doubt in my mind that he is suffering from this...no doubt at all.

People who suffer from delusional disorder often fall victims to depression and anxiety and suffer from this chronically and often for the rest of their lives. The only way to manage this is through drug therapy, where the patient is prescribed anti-psychotic medication, and through psychotherapy. However, most patients do not seek any help since they strongly believe that they do not have any type of psychological problem. My father, of course, is one of these people. He does not think there is anything wrong with him and he swears he will find evidence soon.

My family and I all went to see a family therapist yesterday (my father refused to attend) and we told him everything that was going on. He agreed with my diagnosis of delusional disorder and also told us that it sounds like my father might be suffering from a mix of mental disorders such as depression and schizophrenia.

I have no words to describe how that information made me feel...no words at all

We devised a plan to trick my father into coming to see this therapist. I don't know if it's gonna work and I don't know what to do if it doesn't. At this point, this is one of those things that my psyche cannot process. I feel like I am watching a movie and I am just waiting for it to end so I can leave the theater and go back to my normal life.

Title post is "The Bucket" by Kings of Leon

Open Your Eyes and Let All the Light In

I am still alive

I haven't had much time for much of anything, but I am still here and still alive. I know I have hinted in the past that I have several things to sort out in my head before I share them with the super massive abyss that is the Internet. I have finally sorted out most of them...

My sister gave birth to triplets two months ago. Two boys and a little girl. When I first found out this news, I went through a series of emotions. I was angry because the person she chose to have children with is not someone who I think would make a good father. I was disappointed because she was only 21 and her life has not even begun yet. I was upset because I guess I was not ready for my little sister to grow up and be a parent. I was exasperated because how on earth is she going to handle three children at once? I was indifferent because at the end of the day, it is not my life that will be eternally affected. I have never been more wrong...

I have to admit that I did not agree with her pregnancy at any point during her pregnancy. I did not ask her how she felt, how the babies were doing, didn't want to see sonograms, I didn't even touch her stomach to feel the babies kick or anything. I willingly detached myself from the whole thing. I pretended that the huge object protruding from my sister's stomach did not exist. Because I did not agree with her decision, I told myself that I wanted nothing to do with it or the children. I maintained my distance and my heart was cold.

I continued with this attitude even when the children were born and I went to see them for the first time in the NICU at the hospital. They were born premature because they are triplets and they usually do not go the full 40 week term. I hate to admit that my heart felt nothing for them. I cared because they were my family but that was as far as it went.

One day, about two weeks after they were born, I went to visit them at the NICU with my mother. It was feeding time and my sister tells the nurse to show me how to feed the little girl. I admit, my first reaction was "Hell no! I don't know what I'm doing!" but the nurse assured me I would do fine and she would be there in case I did something wrong.

When I held that little girl in my arms for the first time while I fed her, the world shifted for me.

I cannot explain what the hell happened to me but everything changed. I was overwhelmed with a need to protect this innocent little creature. I held her for a while and I was filled with an immense feeling of unconditional love for this little girl. How could I love someone so much and all she had to do was exist? She literally made me want to be a better person just for her. I guess at this point, I understood what the big deal is about having kids. It is an indescribable feeling and I will never judge people who are affected by babies again.

This does not mean that I have changed my mind about having children. My feelings still stand. I don't really like them very much. I am not ready for kids and at in this moment, I still do not want kids of my own. The difference is that I understand why people want children and how children change people's lives. Although, I am not ready to give things up and make sacrifices yet, I now know I will be capable of wanting to be a better person for the sole purpose of someone else's existence. I will be capable of forming an unrequited bond with another person. I will be capable of being patient, loving, kind, helpful, wise, etc. I will be capable of being a good mother and this is something that I have never thought I could be.

My sister always asks me why out of the triplets, I am partial to the girl. I always tell her that it's because she is the only girl or because she is so well behaved, but the truth is that this little girl changed something in me. She changed the way a huge part of my future could have played out. I could have lived the rest of my life staying away from my niece and nephews but because of her, not only will I get the opportunity to be in their life, but I also know that I am capable of loving fully, truly and unconditionally.

Here is a pic of the triplets when they were about 6 weeks old:

Alyssa Marie, Alexander James & Aaron Christopher

Title of post is from "Collapse" by Saosin

Not So Happy New Year

I purposely chose not to do a 2010 recap. I have several reasons for it but it is mostly because I have not been feeling well emotionally and mentally. I have been in a funk and I cannot seem to find a light.

A lot of great things happened in 2010 and I am very grateful for all the little things that make life worth living. However, a lot of unnecessary drama occurred the last two weeks of the year that have made me bitter. I have had much worse years in my life but I have also had much better years.

I know that I should not start 2011 on such a bitter note but I cannot help it. I need some time to come to terms with things and find a way to swim. I have so many things to be upset about but I also have so many things to be happy about. In the spirit of being cliche, I do have a very short list of goals that I want to accomplish for 2011. Here they are:

1. Find physical, mental and emotional well being--
-meaning lose weight, stop being miserable, and just generally smile more often. I also want to take better care of my skin and my hair, take vitamins, use good quality, organic products like soap, lotion, start using make up. I want to generally improve my outer appearance as well as my inner one.

2. Take more risks--
-do the things I hold myself back from because I am not comfortable or because I am scared

3. Live for myself--
-stop putting others first and focus on myself and my needs. I have learned that nobody else is gonna put me first but me.

4. Find happiness in my career...or find another career--
-self explanatory...I hate my job

5. Accomplish one life long, unrealistic dream, big or small--
-I want to convince myself that dreams do come true, no matter how ridiculous they may seem

I look forward to putting 2010 behind and moving on. I want this to be the year where things finally start to make sense for me. I want this to be the year where I can finally say I am happy.

Can We Get Much Higher?

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. Mine was full of drama as usual. I was caught off guard though because I really thought that there would be none this year, but what's a holiday without drama? I am resigned to accept that this is what is to be expected every year. Sadly, its not even boyfriend/fiance drama, it's even worse....FAMILY drama. I say worse because I can't really get rid of them the way I could get rid of a man that brings me problems. I am stuck with these people for life.

Despite my darkness, I made an effort to make my home look Christmas-y. I put up a tree and lights everywhere. I really LOVE the lights I put on my best post and I think I am gonna keep them there all year round. They look so beautiful at night. It gives the room a nice glow.

In other happier news, I got some really awesome gifts this Christmas. One was my Amazon Kindle. This bad boy has not left my side for the last 4 days. I have downloaded a few books and have already completed one of them. I decided to read the Vampire Diaries series because I think that I am a teenager and so that is what I read. Don't you dare judge me! I always find that books are better than movies or, in this case, TV shows, but I have to say that I like the TV show better than the books so far. I am currently on Volume II so maybe it gets better.

Most importantly, Mr. Magic has been replaced. My mom got me a new Chi flat iron!!! I will call him Mr. Magic II. Boy did I miss this flat iron. A few days ago I washed my hair but didn't have my blow drier so I just left it curly. The next day, when it was all dry and frizzy, I remembered that I had a new Mr. Magic so I tested it out and let me tell you that this flat iron is magical. It made my very curly hair straight and silky smooth without blow drying first! Also, I didn't put anything in my hair at all. I wish I would have taken before and after pics but I was in such awe that I didn't even think about it.

Lastly, I got some other things like a Snuggie (I love it! Don't judge!), some nice lotion and other beauty products, a purse, and some really cool coffee mugs. I got the new Kanye West CD, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, for Victor and I have been listening to it non stop so far. I like all types of music, as long as the music is talented. I will be honest, there are not much "talented" rappers out there but Kanye West is definitely one of them. The CD is really, really good and I love that he worked with Justin Vernon from Bon Iver (one of my fav Indie bands). I definitely recommend for everyone to listen to it. I know Kanye is a cocky little shit but keep the artist separated from the music and you will see that he really is talented. I can't pick a favorite song yet, so far I think its "Monster," but "Power" and "Runaway" are close second.

Wasted Time and Broken Dreams

In an attempt to get out of my "back to work" funk, I put up a mini Christmas tree in my office cubicle. (See pic on the left) I thought it would cheer me up and get me into the holiday spirit at work, but it did just the opposite. It looks like the saddest tree to ever exist. Every time I look at it, I get more depressed. The picture makes it look worse than in person...and that depresses me even more.

I couldn't sleep last night. I kept thinking about my father. I have had a pretty volatile relationship with him but we have gotten along well the past few years. Actually, we have gotten along ever since I moved out of my parents house a few years ago. When I was younger and dumb, I resented my father for many reasons. I didn't agree with the way I was being raised and I didn't agree with his beliefs. Now that I am older, I understand that he was just trying to protect me and had my best interest at heart, even though it didn't really work the way he thought it would.

I have come to realize that my father is a good man. He has a good heart and wants what is best for everyone but he does not know how to express it. My father seems like he is full of anger but it's because that is the only emotion he is comfortable expressing. He has no filter from brain to mouth and will just blurt out what he is thinking. He comes across as an ogre and he can be very hurtful with his words. He can often be demeaning and spiteful with what he says and sometimes he can be considered verbally abusive.

I spent the night analysing him and trying to understand where his anger is rooted. In my analysis, I realized that my father is a very insecure person. He has many complexes and he cares so much about what others think about him. I think my father has spent his whole life waiting for his own father to show pride in him and approve of him, but my grandfather died and never got around to show him. He will never know if his own father was proud of him. He doesn't feel validated or important because the only approval he ever seeked was never given to him. So he walks around making himself out to be an important, powerful person knowing he is not and I guess that his insecurity makes him angry.

My father is also a very highly intelligent person. He is definitely one of those people that is so smart, they are borderline mental. He has so many theories of why things happen and has many paranoid thoughts, he thinks everyone is out to get him. He hates capitalism, hates the government, hates religions, celebrations, etc. There is always a conspiracy theory behind everything and I think its to make up for what he believes are his failures. His paranoia is an excuse.

I noticed and figured out so many things about him last night, but there was only one thing that affected me. I realized that my father is a very, very unhappy man. He drinks his sorrows away and finds solace at the bottom of an empty bottle. I think he expected to be someone else and is disappointed. I think he had a vision of what he wanted his life to be like and it isn't that. He thought he would be a millionaire by now. His life consists of things that he cant find happiness in and he has resigned himself to that. He isn't drinking to relax and wind down like most do, he is drinking to die. He once told me that the reason he drinks so much is to forget. At the time, I was young and didn't understand what he was trying to forget but I understand it now.

He is drinking to forget his unhappiness, his insecurities, his failures, his misery, his mistakes, his complexes, his unfulfilled desires, his lack of recognition...he is drinking to forget his existence. My father is a very unhappy man and has been for quite some time.

Realizing this kills me and the child in me is thinking it's my fault. Maybe if I would have behaved better...or maybe if I wouldn't have argued so much with him, maybe if I would have focused more on school, maybe if I would have become a doctor or went to a better school, or maybe if I would have stayed living at home...so many maybes. The adult in me knows that it's nothing that I did, that it's not my fault but I cant help but think that I have failed him.

It is a continuous struggle to balance what I give to my father and what he takes from me. My father has let me down more times than I can count. He has taken more than he gives. I have had to lower my expectations of him as a father in order to never be let down again, but what if he has had to do the same of me as his daughter? Should I give more of myself and continue to expect nothing in return? Do I stop trying to make him happy? Do I work harder to please him? I am so torn. I don't want to lose myself in trying to make him happy if he has resigned to his misery but I also don't want to feel like I gave up on him.

My father seems like an arrogant, angry, insecure, old fashioned, alcoholic ogre but in reality he is a lost little boy whose dreams never came true and no matter what happens and no matter how much he continues to hurt me, I forgive him. I know he will never apologize to me but I'm ok with that because I will continue to forgive him. He is not perfect, but he is my father and nothing will ever change that.

Title post from "These Days" by The Black Keys