Wasted Time and Broken Dreams

In an attempt to get out of my "back to work" funk, I put up a mini Christmas tree in my office cubicle. (See pic on the left) I thought it would cheer me up and get me into the holiday spirit at work, but it did just the opposite. It looks like the saddest tree to ever exist. Every time I look at it, I get more depressed. The picture makes it look worse than in person...and that depresses me even more.

I couldn't sleep last night. I kept thinking about my father. I have had a pretty volatile relationship with him but we have gotten along well the past few years. Actually, we have gotten along ever since I moved out of my parents house a few years ago. When I was younger and dumb, I resented my father for many reasons. I didn't agree with the way I was being raised and I didn't agree with his beliefs. Now that I am older, I understand that he was just trying to protect me and had my best interest at heart, even though it didn't really work the way he thought it would.

I have come to realize that my father is a good man. He has a good heart and wants what is best for everyone but he does not know how to express it. My father seems like he is full of anger but it's because that is the only emotion he is comfortable expressing. He has no filter from brain to mouth and will just blurt out what he is thinking. He comes across as an ogre and he can be very hurtful with his words. He can often be demeaning and spiteful with what he says and sometimes he can be considered verbally abusive.

I spent the night analysing him and trying to understand where his anger is rooted. In my analysis, I realized that my father is a very insecure person. He has many complexes and he cares so much about what others think about him. I think my father has spent his whole life waiting for his own father to show pride in him and approve of him, but my grandfather died and never got around to show him. He will never know if his own father was proud of him. He doesn't feel validated or important because the only approval he ever seeked was never given to him. So he walks around making himself out to be an important, powerful person knowing he is not and I guess that his insecurity makes him angry.

My father is also a very highly intelligent person. He is definitely one of those people that is so smart, they are borderline mental. He has so many theories of why things happen and has many paranoid thoughts, he thinks everyone is out to get him. He hates capitalism, hates the government, hates religions, celebrations, etc. There is always a conspiracy theory behind everything and I think its to make up for what he believes are his failures. His paranoia is an excuse.

I noticed and figured out so many things about him last night, but there was only one thing that affected me. I realized that my father is a very, very unhappy man. He drinks his sorrows away and finds solace at the bottom of an empty bottle. I think he expected to be someone else and is disappointed. I think he had a vision of what he wanted his life to be like and it isn't that. He thought he would be a millionaire by now. His life consists of things that he cant find happiness in and he has resigned himself to that. He isn't drinking to relax and wind down like most do, he is drinking to die. He once told me that the reason he drinks so much is to forget. At the time, I was young and didn't understand what he was trying to forget but I understand it now.

He is drinking to forget his unhappiness, his insecurities, his failures, his misery, his mistakes, his complexes, his unfulfilled desires, his lack of recognition...he is drinking to forget his existence. My father is a very unhappy man and has been for quite some time.

Realizing this kills me and the child in me is thinking it's my fault. Maybe if I would have behaved better...or maybe if I wouldn't have argued so much with him, maybe if I would have focused more on school, maybe if I would have become a doctor or went to a better school, or maybe if I would have stayed living at home...so many maybes. The adult in me knows that it's nothing that I did, that it's not my fault but I cant help but think that I have failed him.

It is a continuous struggle to balance what I give to my father and what he takes from me. My father has let me down more times than I can count. He has taken more than he gives. I have had to lower my expectations of him as a father in order to never be let down again, but what if he has had to do the same of me as his daughter? Should I give more of myself and continue to expect nothing in return? Do I stop trying to make him happy? Do I work harder to please him? I am so torn. I don't want to lose myself in trying to make him happy if he has resigned to his misery but I also don't want to feel like I gave up on him.

My father seems like an arrogant, angry, insecure, old fashioned, alcoholic ogre but in reality he is a lost little boy whose dreams never came true and no matter what happens and no matter how much he continues to hurt me, I forgive him. I know he will never apologize to me but I'm ok with that because I will continue to forgive him. He is not perfect, but he is my father and nothing will ever change that.

Title post from "These Days" by The Black Keys

Emotion Is Energy In Motion

Ok so I noticed I never follow up when I say Im gonna post pics or updates or whatever. Ill get to it eventually...Lately, I have been very busy at work. I am mentally exhausted and dont really want to think much about anything when I get home.

I have also been dealing with some family drama (as usual.) I feel I was betrayed by someone close to me and it has been painful to accept. It is just so disappointing when you put expectations on somebody and they completely do the opposite. The expectations were'nt even unrealistic, they were logical. From this betrayal I have learned two VERY important lessons that I want to share:

1) You cannot help somebody who does not want to be helped. More importantly, the more you help this person, the less appreciative they are of your help. Sometimes people need to find themselves deep in their own shit in order to realize that someone is/was offering them help. Sometimes when you give people too much help, they expect it and think that its a way of life, when in reality help is rare.

2) You can never get something back that was not yours to begin with. I was under the impression that something was given back to me and it was hard to realize that it was never mine to begin with. Sometimes people have impressions of others based on a memory or a shared experience, but those impressions dont always remain the same. I am beginning to accept that people change and the way you remember someone is not necessarily the way they are. Sometimes you think you know someone, then something happens and you realize that you dont know them anymore, you just knew them.

I will always remember these lessons because they represent a tremendous change in my life. I am at a point where I got smacked with the reality of life. And let me tell you that it has hurt me so badly. My icicle of a heart is not used to rational emotion and I've prevented it from being hurt for so many years, that I have become unfamiliar with the feeling of true, rational and unfabricated pain.

Suprisingly, I am not angry or bitter and I have not shed a tear because of this betrayal, I am just broken.

Completely broken....

I Hope I Dont Overdose On Empty Promises

I have been an insecure little sensitive fucker lately. Ive been feeling really self conscious about the way I look. I have come to accept that my prime was in my teenage years where I was thin and had a small waist. I am motivated to get back into shape and to tone up though, dont get me wrong. Its just that my self-esteem has taken a big hit over the years.

Thats not to say that I was conceited or thought very highly of myself when I actually did look good. I wish I would have appreciated the way I looked back then instead of constantly complaining about it like I did. I know that physically I can look the way I want to look if I continue to stay motivated but I dont think I can get there mentally.

I am a realistic person. I prefer truth over lies and I try not to deny myself what the truth is. So in realities of all realities, I know I am no beauty queen. And Im not saying this to put myself down or to get pity votes or anything like that. Its just the truth. There are plenty of better looking people out there and I accept that. On the other hand, I also know that I am not an ugly duckling. I guess I would just be average. Mediocre...

I also dont really make much of an effort to look good. I dont wear any makeup at all. I dont really wear any accessories. I wear my hair the same all the time. My clothes are just blah...I try to keep everything prim and proper but who the hell am I kidding? And I dont really have the personality that makes me better looking like a lot of people have. Im a miserable person and I frown a lot, so I think that my mediocre rating is fair. I am okay with it and I know that maybe if I made more of an effort, I could raise my rating but I guess I dont care enough.

Like I said, I am okay with my rating but sometimes certain things happen where I am reminded of what I look like in reality vs what I look like in my head. Thats when all my insecurities come out and when I become vulnerable. Three really stupid things happened to me this week that made me feel like maybe I am below average. I am so mad at myself for letting them get to me but I guess I cant help what I feel hence Im being a sensitive shit right now.

Ive never been one to need validation from other people but I guess that its a human trait to get reassurance from others sometimes. And its been a while since I got reassurance. Ugh I sound like a fucking needy loser and I hate that. So Im gonna shake off this little PMS induced sob story going on in my overactive head, straighten my back, stick my chest out and keep my chin up. I guess I just needed to write out what I was feeling and then read it back to myself to realize how incredibly ridiculous I am being right now.

Im gonna go eat a cupcake....

Title of post is lyric from "Emergency" by I Am The Avalanche

Freedom

This morning, on my drive to work, I was reminded of someone from my past. This person is someone I no longer want anything to do with and who doesnt really exist to me. I feel disappointed, bitter, and humiliated in myself when I think of said person, so thats why I have erased that person from memories of my past. In other words, I freed myself from anything related to this person.

Then I realized that I havent really freed myself at all. I have been keeping myself trapped because I have never really let go of the hurt this person caused me. I have just been repressing it and pushing it back, like pushing durt under a rug.

So as I drove, I decided that I was gonna let go.

I mean really let go....

They say that people need closure in order to really let go of things and I never got my closure. I had opportunities to get things off my chest but my very being was so shattered that in order to save even a piece of it, I could never stoop down to Person X's level, so I ignored X instead. All those insulting emails, letter, texts, phone calls, messages went ignored.

Now that many, many years have passed, I am finally able to articulate what I wish I could have said...would have said and I am ready to just let go. I chalk it all up to being young and foolish and insecure. Its a mistake that I have most definitely learned from and one that will never happen to me again.

If Person X should ever stumble accross this blog, please know this:

I no longer hate you and I am no longer resentful. Now my smile

reaches my eyes and it comes from my heart. I no longer feel

inadequate and I know what Im worth and dont need you or

anyone else to validate me.

I am strong

Your smile will never reach your eyes. It will always be forced

in the midst of all the hate you have for yourself. You will

always be a sorry, pathetic, insecure and lost little boy trying

to fit in with a crowd that he clearly doesnt belong in.

You tried to keep me down but, lets face it, I have always

been taller than you.....in every sense of the word.

I am playing "Manhattan" Kings of Leon on repeat...for some reason, I always associate this song with FREEDOM.