Can We Get Much Higher?

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. Mine was full of drama as usual. I was caught off guard though because I really thought that there would be none this year, but what's a holiday without drama? I am resigned to accept that this is what is to be expected every year. Sadly, its not even boyfriend/fiance drama, it's even worse....FAMILY drama. I say worse because I can't really get rid of them the way I could get rid of a man that brings me problems. I am stuck with these people for life.

Despite my darkness, I made an effort to make my home look Christmas-y. I put up a tree and lights everywhere. I really LOVE the lights I put on my best post and I think I am gonna keep them there all year round. They look so beautiful at night. It gives the room a nice glow.

In other happier news, I got some really awesome gifts this Christmas. One was my Amazon Kindle. This bad boy has not left my side for the last 4 days. I have downloaded a few books and have already completed one of them. I decided to read the Vampire Diaries series because I think that I am a teenager and so that is what I read. Don't you dare judge me! I always find that books are better than movies or, in this case, TV shows, but I have to say that I like the TV show better than the books so far. I am currently on Volume II so maybe it gets better.

Most importantly, Mr. Magic has been replaced. My mom got me a new Chi flat iron!!! I will call him Mr. Magic II. Boy did I miss this flat iron. A few days ago I washed my hair but didn't have my blow drier so I just left it curly. The next day, when it was all dry and frizzy, I remembered that I had a new Mr. Magic so I tested it out and let me tell you that this flat iron is magical. It made my very curly hair straight and silky smooth without blow drying first! Also, I didn't put anything in my hair at all. I wish I would have taken before and after pics but I was in such awe that I didn't even think about it.

Lastly, I got some other things like a Snuggie (I love it! Don't judge!), some nice lotion and other beauty products, a purse, and some really cool coffee mugs. I got the new Kanye West CD, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, for Victor and I have been listening to it non stop so far. I like all types of music, as long as the music is talented. I will be honest, there are not much "talented" rappers out there but Kanye West is definitely one of them. The CD is really, really good and I love that he worked with Justin Vernon from Bon Iver (one of my fav Indie bands). I definitely recommend for everyone to listen to it. I know Kanye is a cocky little shit but keep the artist separated from the music and you will see that he really is talented. I can't pick a favorite song yet, so far I think its "Monster," but "Power" and "Runaway" are close second.

Day 28- This Year (so far) in Great Detail

Wow, my mind is blank. I cannot remember anything I've done this year. Guess this will be another list as my memory sucks major ass. Some things will be repetitive:

2010 So Far

-became a fangirl and went to see Vinny from I Am The Avalanche at Angels and Kings in January

-started going to the gym like a maniac in March but then stopped for a reason I cant even remember

-Saw I Am the Avalanche the band together in April

-Saw Envy on the Coast again in April where I proceeded to get drunk on just two drink (Thanks Irving Plaza!)

-saw Three Days Grace and Breaking Benjamin with Victor in Feb :)

-started a new dept at work which is harder than my last dept and my lead's nickname is Hitler's Wife

-Bamboozle 2010! I was one step closer to meeting Andrew McMahon because he was performing with Something Corporate, which I will be seeing again on August 13th!! In the future, I will dedicate an entire post to this wonderful man that changed my life with a single lyric :)

-decided to learn to play the piano, although I only somewhat know "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab and "Dark Blue" by Jack's Mannequin

-was deeply betrayed by a family member, but eventually got over it

-realized my little brother isnt little anymore

-learned that I have great friends that I truly appreciate

-fell in love again

-started playing softball

-have significantly cut down on the number of times I have been to the movies. I dont know if its because there hasnt been a good movie out for a while or because I feel raped by the ticket fees

-have not seen Avatar YET

-realized that my future does not lie in Accounting, I was meant to do something different

-almost lost my apartment that I have grown to love

-had dinner at my landlord's house and had them over for dinner

-learned how to make homemade brownies

-learned that adding a pack of chocolate pudding to Super Moist Betty Crocker Devil's food cake makes it so moist that it falls apart

-discovered Chocolate Cheerios (they are the shit)

-cried when Vampire Diaries season ended two weeks ago

-finally went to the doctor

-got minor surgery at the dentist, which improved my teeth by 100%

-realized that The Beatles were the motherf*cking shit!

-watched the entire season of American Idol (ends tomorrow)

-felt old for the first time ever when I was in line to see Envy on the Coast and there were a bunch of 17 year olds behind me. I am almost 7 years older than them....7!

-read a few good books

-got a set of shaped rubber bands that all the kids are using. Im currently wearing a dog and a cow

-fell in love with several bands/singers which I have mentioned several times before and I will keep mentioning until everyone that stumbles on this blog listens to them at least once: The Black Keys, Band of Horses, Bayside, The Beatles, Justin Nozuka, James Morrison, Something Corporate, and the list goes on and on

-has the best dulce de leche cake ever for my mom's b-day in March

I guess this is enough for now, I cant think of anything else. What a loser I am ;)

Emotion Is Energy In Motion

Ok so I noticed I never follow up when I say Im gonna post pics or updates or whatever. Ill get to it eventually...Lately, I have been very busy at work. I am mentally exhausted and dont really want to think much about anything when I get home.

I have also been dealing with some family drama (as usual.) I feel I was betrayed by someone close to me and it has been painful to accept. It is just so disappointing when you put expectations on somebody and they completely do the opposite. The expectations were'nt even unrealistic, they were logical. From this betrayal I have learned two VERY important lessons that I want to share:

1) You cannot help somebody who does not want to be helped. More importantly, the more you help this person, the less appreciative they are of your help. Sometimes people need to find themselves deep in their own shit in order to realize that someone is/was offering them help. Sometimes when you give people too much help, they expect it and think that its a way of life, when in reality help is rare.

2) You can never get something back that was not yours to begin with. I was under the impression that something was given back to me and it was hard to realize that it was never mine to begin with. Sometimes people have impressions of others based on a memory or a shared experience, but those impressions dont always remain the same. I am beginning to accept that people change and the way you remember someone is not necessarily the way they are. Sometimes you think you know someone, then something happens and you realize that you dont know them anymore, you just knew them.

I will always remember these lessons because they represent a tremendous change in my life. I am at a point where I got smacked with the reality of life. And let me tell you that it has hurt me so badly. My icicle of a heart is not used to rational emotion and I've prevented it from being hurt for so many years, that I have become unfamiliar with the feeling of true, rational and unfabricated pain.

Suprisingly, I am not angry or bitter and I have not shed a tear because of this betrayal, I am just broken.

Completely broken....

I Hope I Dont Overdose On Empty Promises

I have been an insecure little sensitive fucker lately. Ive been feeling really self conscious about the way I look. I have come to accept that my prime was in my teenage years where I was thin and had a small waist. I am motivated to get back into shape and to tone up though, dont get me wrong. Its just that my self-esteem has taken a big hit over the years.

Thats not to say that I was conceited or thought very highly of myself when I actually did look good. I wish I would have appreciated the way I looked back then instead of constantly complaining about it like I did. I know that physically I can look the way I want to look if I continue to stay motivated but I dont think I can get there mentally.

I am a realistic person. I prefer truth over lies and I try not to deny myself what the truth is. So in realities of all realities, I know I am no beauty queen. And Im not saying this to put myself down or to get pity votes or anything like that. Its just the truth. There are plenty of better looking people out there and I accept that. On the other hand, I also know that I am not an ugly duckling. I guess I would just be average. Mediocre...

I also dont really make much of an effort to look good. I dont wear any makeup at all. I dont really wear any accessories. I wear my hair the same all the time. My clothes are just blah...I try to keep everything prim and proper but who the hell am I kidding? And I dont really have the personality that makes me better looking like a lot of people have. Im a miserable person and I frown a lot, so I think that my mediocre rating is fair. I am okay with it and I know that maybe if I made more of an effort, I could raise my rating but I guess I dont care enough.

Like I said, I am okay with my rating but sometimes certain things happen where I am reminded of what I look like in reality vs what I look like in my head. Thats when all my insecurities come out and when I become vulnerable. Three really stupid things happened to me this week that made me feel like maybe I am below average. I am so mad at myself for letting them get to me but I guess I cant help what I feel hence Im being a sensitive shit right now.

Ive never been one to need validation from other people but I guess that its a human trait to get reassurance from others sometimes. And its been a while since I got reassurance. Ugh I sound like a fucking needy loser and I hate that. So Im gonna shake off this little PMS induced sob story going on in my overactive head, straighten my back, stick my chest out and keep my chin up. I guess I just needed to write out what I was feeling and then read it back to myself to realize how incredibly ridiculous I am being right now.

Im gonna go eat a cupcake....

Title of post is lyric from "Emergency" by I Am The Avalanche

Getting to Know You

I've decided to start a blog after some encouragement from a close friend *Delilah* I honestly dont know how often I will update because lets just say that my life is pretty mundane and....typical? I guess I can use this to vent when I am going through my induced drama once in a while.

Lets start with introductions. Here are the basics: I am 23, and I am an accountant(bo-ring!) Graduated from college in 08, live with a very sweet, kind man I call my boyfriend in a nice town in Westchester,uh thats about it

Random things I love:
-MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC...my life is made up of lyrics from different songs. My thoughts are consumed by lyrics and I quote songs to describe everything.
-People who are themselves no matter what others think about them
-The Era of Marilyn Monroe, James Dean, Natalie Wood, Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, and when women wore their hair in waves
-sunsets, the beach at night, chocolate,good food coupled with good times,reading a good book, interior design, warm colors, funny commercials, the city,

Random things I hate:-Music with no purpose and/or meaning
-Arrogant pricks, people who judge, people who can eat whatever they want and not gain a pound, anger, repetitive noises(like a clock ticking), purposely misspelled words

I guess thats all for now folks
P.S. Credit for pic on blog title goes to Tom Troyer on Flickr