You is Smart, You is Kind, You is Important

I am growing up. 

A part of me hates this, but a bigger part of me loves it. 

The hate part stems from the fact that responsibilities are never ending and  no one does things for you. You have to take care of yourself, provide for yourself, feed and clothe yourself, etc. And while these things might sound ideal for those teenagers I follow on tumblr, the reality is that it's not always fun. It's scary as fuck and it causes constant worry and stress. The good news is that you get used to it and become independent, but its still scary to think about sometimes. 

The part of me that loves what is happening is the one that is growing into who I am. We go through such a long and painful journey growing up. Our teenage years are filled with so much drama and so much worrying about fitting in and what other people think about us. There is constant insecurity and we are always trying to live up to other people's expectations. The best thing about growing up is that those things no longer matter. You don't have time to worry about what anyone thinks about you. There is a certain confidence that comes with age. That is why the elderly don't give a shit about what people think of them and go about doing what they want. 

It's hard thing to describe, but there comes a point in your life where you notice that it is okay to not be okay. It's okay to not agree with everyone, to not wear the latest trends or give into the latest obsessions or watch the most popular shows or movies. It's okay to like shitty music and read shitty books and eat shitty food.  There is something special about those people who just live their lives they way they want to, not the way society says they should. Of course, there is nothing wrong with following the crowd, if that is who you really are. There is no right or wrong answer on how to be yourself, as long as you are your true self. 

The title of this post is from one of my favorite movies, called "The Help," where one of the black maids raising a little, chubby white girl who didnt get her mother's attention because she was not what society would describe as perfect, would say this to the little girl every day. Then she would make the little girl repeat it back to her and I cant even begin to tell you the significance of that. Thinking, saying, or  feeling that you are smart, kind and important is the difference between a strong, confident person and a weak, insecure one. 

If only we all had that one person in our lives that told us this constantly and made us believe it. Sadly, most of us don't and most of us figure this out on our own, though it may take years upon years. It may take tragedy, a breakdown, and a disaster but at some point when we are able to rise up from the ashes, we rise up not only knowing those things, but actually believing them.

That is what growing up is.

That is what growing up has been for me. 

And that has been the most liberating and most rewarding feeling I have ever experienced. 

Still Into You

Every once in a while I get the urge to be mushy and loving, this is one of those times.

Does anyone ever have a moment where they are overpowered by the feelings they have for someone else? Like you are just sitting there and then all of a sudden you get hit with a wave of emotion. You realize things, good or bad, that perhaps you have never noticed before and you are left with a life changing feeling once this moment passes.

This happened to me recently. I started thinking about my husband (still not used to calling him that) and I was overwhelmed by what I felt for him. I realized that we have been together for 8 years and my feelings for him are still as strong as the day I fell in love. If we were to ever part, I would compare every man to him and I know that nobody would ever live up to him.

I still get butterflies before I see him sometimes, I miss him when I dont get to spend time with him even though we live together, and the greatest feeling in the world is falling asleep next to him. Now I know that I am dangerously close to being corny as fuck, but these things are all true and I want to put them out there. I really and truly love my husband, he is one of a kind. He is so sweet, genuine, funny and has the best heart. He had the worst upbringing and had nobody to guide him and yet he managed to authentically be a good person. He kept himself together and went against the odds to make something of himself. That kind of achievement deserves respect and honor.

Everyday I realize how lucky I am to have married someone like him. He lets me be myself and never judges me. He lets me have my freedom and supports all my antics, even when they dont make sense and this lets me know that he wants me to be happy. And because we are a real couple, things are not always rainbows and unicorns, but even at our worst moments, I never have any regrets about him and I have never, ever questioned how I feel about him. In fact, when everything is out of control in my life, the one thing I am sure about is how I feel about him. It's my connection to reality, it keeps me grounded and it brings me back.

And now that I have crossed the corny/pathetic line, I can wrap this up. My husband is not perfect and has many flaws, but so do I. I never believed in marriage but now that I am married, I get it. It is different from just being in a relationship because you take a vow and you are bonded both spiritually and legally. You become family despite not sharing blood and there is nothing more important in life than family. Life is not a fairy tale, he is not Prince Charming, I am not Cinderella. He didnt sweep me up on his white horse or release me from a tower. My life is no Disney movie, but it's still pretty damn perfect.



Title of Song is "Still Into You" by Paramore which describes everything I'm feeling perfectly. 

We Remember Moments

Life has been...well, life. I have been feeling good. I have been okay. I'm slowly getting there. The weather is getting better and that has helped me dramatically because the amount of sunlight and warmth there is outside is directly related to the amount of sunlight and warmth I feel inside myself.

I've been enjoying myself. Going to happy hour with co-workers, having lunch with friends, spending time with the triplets, having conversations with my husband (still not used to calling him that,) shopping for random things, playing with my new iPhone, discovering new music, going to concerts (Andrew McMahon, I worship the ground you walk on,) watching less TV, reading more, spending countless hours on tumblr,  searching for a new TV show to obsess over, eating peaches and plums, discovering new uses for coconut oil, decorating a friends new apartment, training for the Color Run,  and just generally taking it easy. I cant wait for summer because this is gonna be one that I'll remember...I just know it.

If I May Just Take Your Breath Away

The older I get, the more I accept myself as I am and for who I am. I dont know if times are changing or if I am just really becoming an adult, but I am really starting to not care about what other people think of me. I actually like myself...sometimes. I have many, many flaws and I am by no means perfect in any way, but I am not ashamed to be me. I am proud to be me, I accept me and I dont care if nobody else does.

It's crazy because I feel that I have always been me no matter what, but in the past I have worried about how I was being perceived. Now, I really cant even stress it. I know who I am: I am obsessive, quite selfish, contradicting, confusing, reserved, young minded, uptight and sometimes dramatic. But at the same time I am also loyal, strong, independent, responsible, creative, amicable, open and sometimes fun. I see both sides of myself and I dont need anybody to point out my flaws or my good qualities.

As I sit here sipping coffee out of my Vampire Diaries (Team Stefan) mug and listening to the Taylor Swift "Red" album, while wearing polka dot pajamas and looking forward to reading the next John Greene novel, I don't feel ashamed about anything. I have a pretty damn awesome life and I plan on enjoying it.



Title of post is from "Sweater Weather" by The Neighbourhood, which I LOVE LOVE LOVE

Let Me Show You a Few Things

So I'm really liking the fact that Justin Timberlake decided to put out new music. I really enjoyed his last album "FutureSex/LoveSounds" but this was years ago. I remember I was in college and living in the dorms in the Bronx and I worked in Yonkers so I would take 2 buses to get to work 4 times a week. I would start this album at the beginning and it would be done by the time I got to work (always late by the way.)

His new song "Suit and Tie" has a nice old school vibe to it and I haven't gotten tired of it yet, so I'm excited for any new songs that will be released. I always look forward to new music from old favorite artists.

Speaking of new music, there are a few artists that I have been completely obsessed with lately and  I LOVE to share my obsessions and get other people to obsess too. So in order to get myself to post more often and to share wonderful music with everyone, I am gonna make separate posts for each artist that I have had on repeat the past few months/weeks. Here is a list of what to expect:

1. Ed Sheeran

2. Lana Del Rey

3.Twenty One Pilots

4.Imagine Dragons

5. Various Cruelties

6. Lights

7. Jessie Ware

..And At Once I Knew I Was Not Magnificent

This blog is pretty plain, not much decor or anything going on here huh? I'll have to change that soon. It's a goal of mine for the new year.

Speaking of the new year, I am still feeling quite hopeful. I have many ideas and I've been inspired to accomplish many recurring items on my Lifetime TO Do List (I'm definitely a list person if you cant tell by now.) I have also been thinking about where I want to take this blog. It started out as a public diary, a way of tracking life events, or fleeting emotions and feelings. I often look back at posts and reminisce about what I wrote. I appreciate the fact that I can go back to a certain point in time and recall exactly what I felt because I wrote about it in such detail. Therefore, I know that I want to keep this blog going, even if its just for myself. What I will change is the frequency of my posts. I definitely want to make sure I capture this year because I feel so optimistic about it (so optimistic that I even inserted the quintessential cheesy quote pic in this post), so with that being said, I will make every effort possible to write a post every Friday starting today. I'll make it a habit so it becomes second nature.

I will also continue to post, not only about my feelings at the moment, but my discoveries in myself, in music, in art, in life, and just in general. I want to be able to look back and remind myself of the time where I made a change in my life, whether its a different way of thinking or a new band.  This blog has never been about sharing with the world, it has always been for me and my future selves. So I am making an effort to stop disappointing myself and living up to the things I imagine in my head.

Title post is "Holocene" by Bon Iver

Hide Your Kids, Hide Your Wife

I know everyone has seen this YouTube video called "Bed Intruder," which was an actual news broadcast that a group ofwas turned into a song using autotune. It is one of the funniest things I have seen in a long time. I could not beleive it was an actual news broadcast, but if you google it you can find what they showed on the news.

The guy, Antoine Dodson, is being interviewed after he scared off a man that has been raping people in Lincoln Park. Anotine's sister wakes up to find the man in bed with her about to rape her. Antoine is so flamboyant and theatrical that its hilarious. The topic might be serious but its hard not to laugh when you see how Antoine reacts.

This song has been stuck in my head for a while. My favorite part is when he makes a "threat" to the rapist and tells him that he doesnt have to come and confess because they are looking for him and they are gonna find him. That is fucking priceless!!

A Moment Like This

I urge anyone who comes accross this blog to check out another blog called: Collect 365 Moments. (Linked) A friend of mine (Delilah) just started this project where she will capture one random moment every day for the next year and will post the picture on the blog. I think its a pretty cool idea. It would be interesting to see what kinds of pictures we will see everyday and the whole collection at year end. She just started this two days ago, so there are currently only two pics. Both awesome pics...I might add.

We take so many things for granted these days. We never stop to just enjoy something like a random moment because we are so used to them that they no longer have value to us. Yet its these little moments that we dont even think about that make life meaningful. I know this sounds like the whole "stop and smell the roses" speech that is so overused and so corny, but the reality is: when was the last time you literally just stopped to smell the roses? When was the last time that you were so much in tune with your reality that it felt like a fantasy? When was the last time you stopped something you were doing and actually thought about what it was you were doing?

It is so easy to beleive that the world is simply you and your sorroundings, but there is so much out there that we have yet to see. And there are so many things that we have seen so many times that we are desensitized. I think that project Collect 365 Moments will be a great way to see every day things from a perspective that is not your own and because of that, I beleive, that eventually all moments will mean something again.

Its Just My Humble Opinion

Yesterday I saw this message as a bumper sticker on someone's car. This has to be the most shocking bumper sticker I have ever seen. My mouth literally hung open when I read this. This was my first time ever seeing something like this and I feel like this is a really awkward and brash way to make a point. Personally, I dont think its something that should be on your car, but who am I to judge?

Of course everyone is entitled to their own opinions but there is a right place and a right time to discuss abortion. To me, bumper sticker on your car is not the way. Thats just my humble opinion. However, although I disagree with this person, I have to hand it to them because it takes a fuckton of balls to put this bumper sticker up on your car. And they sure did make a statement alright.


Title Post is from "Playing God" by Paramore

Day 29- Hopes, Dreams, and Plans for the Rest of the Year

This is a very good question. I never know what to say when people ask what my hopes and dreams are. Especially when people ask where I see myself in 5 years. I dont know why, but that question is so difficult for me.

I have no clue what I want to accomplish the rest of the year. I havent planned this out, but I guess now would be the time. I guess I'll make a list again...that seems to work for me

Hopes and Dreams for 2010

-actually learn to play the piano...maybe take piano lessons

-purchase my apartment and remodel the kitchen and bathroom

-finish paying off my credit cards

-save some money

-do something cool to my boring ass hair

-lose weight and get healthy

-learn to love salad just as much as I love chocolate cake

-continue to find great music that inspires and makes me feel good

-go to Vegas and to a caribbean island that is NOT Dominican Republic

-go back to school and get my masters (this might have to be for 2011..or 2012...or 2013 lol)

-go to more live shows (so far I wanna go see Kings of Leon again, Lady Gaga, and Muse!!)

-maybe get married....MAYBE

-figure out what I was meant to do with my life

-find what it is that will make me happy

-start to actually live my life

Day 22- A Website

Whenever I want to browse the internet, I never know what website to check up on. People tell me a bunch of cool sites but I never remember them, so I always end up going to the same ones: FML.com, Post Secrets, etc.

Lately, I've been looking for new music and I found some really good websites that feature new artists or underground, indie artists (which are always the best). A really good website is Spinner. They have music news, memorable quotes from artists, saddest songs lists, best lyrics list, worst lyrics list, and you can even listen to new albums in their entirety for their featured artists. Im currently listening to these albums: Band of Horses new album "Infinite Arms" and The Black Keys new album "Brothers."

A similar website to this one is Daytrotter, which is similar to Spinner. They feature new artists and have sessions and interviews. They have a good session with Bon Iver, a band which I've mentioned before. I recommend checking this website out as well.

I also recommend the two albums I've been listening to. Band of Horses is a pretty mellow indy band and The Black Keys has a more bluesy feel which I really like as well .

Ikea Trip

Heading to Ikea today and Im so excited. I love that place. I just love how everything is modern and clean line. Im looking for a desk because the one I have now (which happens to be from Ikea) does not match my living room furniture at all. I have dark espresso furniture and the desk is light pine. Thats a interior decor faux paus.

Something like this would be good. It doesnt really take up much room and could be folded up into the wall. And the color matches the decor in the living room, so its something to think about.

We'll see what I can afford. Everytime I go there I want to redecorate my entire house. I spend hours in the showrooms and just imagine my dream home. I swear, I wish I had money to decorate the way I really want to. Instead, I settle for Walmart and Target furniture and whatever I could inherit or find cheaply. The nice things are the most expensive...but thats life for ya.

I have some pics to post of what I've been doing the past 3 months. I had them in my camera for a while. Ill be making posting this weekend, if Lifetime has disappointing movies.

I Hope I Dont Overdose On Empty Promises

I have been an insecure little sensitive fucker lately. Ive been feeling really self conscious about the way I look. I have come to accept that my prime was in my teenage years where I was thin and had a small waist. I am motivated to get back into shape and to tone up though, dont get me wrong. Its just that my self-esteem has taken a big hit over the years.

Thats not to say that I was conceited or thought very highly of myself when I actually did look good. I wish I would have appreciated the way I looked back then instead of constantly complaining about it like I did. I know that physically I can look the way I want to look if I continue to stay motivated but I dont think I can get there mentally.

I am a realistic person. I prefer truth over lies and I try not to deny myself what the truth is. So in realities of all realities, I know I am no beauty queen. And Im not saying this to put myself down or to get pity votes or anything like that. Its just the truth. There are plenty of better looking people out there and I accept that. On the other hand, I also know that I am not an ugly duckling. I guess I would just be average. Mediocre...

I also dont really make much of an effort to look good. I dont wear any makeup at all. I dont really wear any accessories. I wear my hair the same all the time. My clothes are just blah...I try to keep everything prim and proper but who the hell am I kidding? And I dont really have the personality that makes me better looking like a lot of people have. Im a miserable person and I frown a lot, so I think that my mediocre rating is fair. I am okay with it and I know that maybe if I made more of an effort, I could raise my rating but I guess I dont care enough.

Like I said, I am okay with my rating but sometimes certain things happen where I am reminded of what I look like in reality vs what I look like in my head. Thats when all my insecurities come out and when I become vulnerable. Three really stupid things happened to me this week that made me feel like maybe I am below average. I am so mad at myself for letting them get to me but I guess I cant help what I feel hence Im being a sensitive shit right now.

Ive never been one to need validation from other people but I guess that its a human trait to get reassurance from others sometimes. And its been a while since I got reassurance. Ugh I sound like a fucking needy loser and I hate that. So Im gonna shake off this little PMS induced sob story going on in my overactive head, straighten my back, stick my chest out and keep my chin up. I guess I just needed to write out what I was feeling and then read it back to myself to realize how incredibly ridiculous I am being right now.

Im gonna go eat a cupcake....

Title of post is lyric from "Emergency" by I Am The Avalanche

This Is The Sound of Settling

As I washed my hands a few days ago, I wondered whether I had chosen the right career to follow. I am currently an Accountant for IBM. I like my job. I dont find myself dreading coming into work and the hours go by quickly when I am there. But I also dont love my job either. I dont feel passionate about it and I dont know how I feel about being an accountant the rest of my life.

I feel like accounting is completely different from who I am. Accounting is based on numbers, which cannot be interpreted any other way but in numbers. 2+2 will always equal 4. A debit will always be a debit and a credit will always be a credit. Accounting is right and wrong, it is black and white.....

Yet I feel I am gray...

In some ways I can see why I would be attracted to something like Accounting. I like stability, something constant and steady, something that will always be the way it is. That stability makes me feel secure. I would hate to have to decipher between wrong and right all the time, but with Accounting it is always clear. On the other hand, deep in my heart, I feel this is not what I was meant to do. This is not something I feel will make me happy in the long run. I am a complex person, someone who is mentally unstable, who cannot make decisions, who justifies my wrongs in order to make them right in my own head. I cannot be categorized and, for me, 2 +2 doesnt always equal 4.

I realize that I dont have to define myself by my career. I realize that my career doesnt have to represent who I am. But I feel that there has to be some sort of connection there, like a person who is passionate about music is a musician, a person passionate about words is a writer, etc. I am passionate about music, reading, writing, and interior decor but yet I am none of the above. I am an accountant. And I fail to see the connection.

In my dream world, I would be an interior decorator who writes magazine articles and who does part time editing for a publishing company. I feel I was meant to live with words and not numbers. But words are so unstable and could mean anything you interpret them to mean....and that scares me.

So do I just settle and accept the comfort of my stable numbers, or do I take a risk and struggle to interpret my words?

I don't know....

Title is lyric from "The Sound of Settling" by Death Cab for Cutie-you should have realized that I am obsessed with them by now

Guilt

Guilt has to be one of the worst emotions to feel, along with regret. Guilt is responsible for keeping me up half the night last night. How do you ever know if you are doing the right thing? How do you know if you are giving someone the right advice? I gave someone advice and led them to make a big decision in their life. Now I dont know if this person made the decision against their will and I will never be sure.

Guilt turns my stomach to knots and makes me feel like I'm in a whirlwind of anguish. Does feeling guilty actually make me guilty? Does it make something wrong because you feel guilty about it? I want to seek assurance and releif but I dont know that I ever will. The thing is that I know that I led this person to do the right thing, so the action is not what makes me feel guilty. I feel this way because I would hate to be the cause of someone elses regret. And I HATE to feel regret because regret means you can never go back.

I wish I could do what the Death Cab song "Soul Meets Body" says in this part:

"Cause in my head there is a greyhound station

Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations

So they may have a chance of finding a place
Where they're far more suited than here"

Why cant I just send the thoughts that are constantly swirling in my head away? My constant thinking about everything is maddening. They are not welcome here to drive me insane and keep me up at night. It reminds me of another Death Cab lyric (yes I am obsessed) from "Marching Bands of Manhattan" that says "I live like a hermit in my own head." Sometimes my thoughts suffocate me and smother me and I have to struggle to break free from them. They always creep up on me just when I think I have tamed them.

But my thoughts are something I have to live with for the time being. I just hope that they will not be coupled with guilt and regret.....