Your Only Flaw, You Are Flawless

Can we talk about how flawless Demi Lovato is? Yes, I know she is a Disney star. Yes, I am fan girling. Yes, I am aware that I am inching my way to 30 years old and probably shouldn't engage in this type of behavior, but I am who I am. I am also not ashamed to admit that I just spent my whole morning watching YouTube videos of Demi performing nor am I ashamed to admit that if she goes on tour, I AM BUYING TICKETS!

Out of all the Disney stars, this girl is actually really talented. She has one of the strongest voices I have heard in quite some time. I mean there is so much power in her voice that it's almost hard to believe. Her vocal range is out of this world and when she opens her mouth to sing, I get goosebumps. I mean, she really blows all these other young artists out of the water. It;s like there is a mature edge to her voice, a hoarseness, that can only be developed from experience. At her ripe age of 20, she has been through quite a ride. 

Demi, like typical childhood stars, was on a downward spiral. She was abusing drugs and alcohol, was self medicating and was basically just out of control.  She hit rock bottom when she physically assaulted one of her backup dancers  and her family stepped in and had an intervention. The admirable thing about her is that she was able to catch herself and pull it together. She ended up going to rehab where she worked through so many issues including self mutilation, eating disorders, and depression. She took full responsibility for all her actions and made an extraordinary recovery. 

After rehab, she was open about her struggles and shared them with the world through a documentary. She wanted  teens going through similar issues to be encouraged to seek help and treatment. She wanted them to know that they were not alone and that they could get through anything. She is also a strong advocate of self love and is one the few celebrities who is absolutely beautiful, curvy and weighs more than 100lbs.  In a world where there are very few role models, I think Demi shines as one of the best and most positive role models teens have nowadays. Personally, I think she is pretty awesome and I admire her for making such a huge change in her life at such a young age. 

 So this amazing and talented girl has recently released a self titled album that I have been listening to relentlessly. I also recently discovered that Demi has covered "How To Love" by Lil' Wayne and "Stay" by Rihanna. Now, everyone knows that I am a sucker for cover songs and I happen to love both those songs, so of course I had to YouTube her performances. Let me tell you that Demi puts both Lil' Wayne and Rihanna to shame. She changed up some of the words to "How To Love" and when she sings the bridge and says "I just want you to know that I deserve the best, I'm beautiful. I'm beautiful...And I just want you to know, I'm far from the usual, far from the usual" I swear a tear streamed down my face because she sings those particular words with such conviction that nobody would doubt she believes them. The same goes for when she sings the bridge in "Stay," she sings it with the same pain Rihanna does but is able to hit a note that drives it home, unlike Rihanna. I swear, both these covers are top quality and they are flawless, just like Demi ;)

*Title of Post is from "Flawless" by The Neighbourhood* 

"Stay" Cover

"How To Love" Cover

You is Smart, You is Kind, You is Important

I am growing up. 

A part of me hates this, but a bigger part of me loves it. 

The hate part stems from the fact that responsibilities are never ending and  no one does things for you. You have to take care of yourself, provide for yourself, feed and clothe yourself, etc. And while these things might sound ideal for those teenagers I follow on tumblr, the reality is that it's not always fun. It's scary as fuck and it causes constant worry and stress. The good news is that you get used to it and become independent, but its still scary to think about sometimes. 

The part of me that loves what is happening is the one that is growing into who I am. We go through such a long and painful journey growing up. Our teenage years are filled with so much drama and so much worrying about fitting in and what other people think about us. There is constant insecurity and we are always trying to live up to other people's expectations. The best thing about growing up is that those things no longer matter. You don't have time to worry about what anyone thinks about you. There is a certain confidence that comes with age. That is why the elderly don't give a shit about what people think of them and go about doing what they want. 

It's hard thing to describe, but there comes a point in your life where you notice that it is okay to not be okay. It's okay to not agree with everyone, to not wear the latest trends or give into the latest obsessions or watch the most popular shows or movies. It's okay to like shitty music and read shitty books and eat shitty food.  There is something special about those people who just live their lives they way they want to, not the way society says they should. Of course, there is nothing wrong with following the crowd, if that is who you really are. There is no right or wrong answer on how to be yourself, as long as you are your true self. 

The title of this post is from one of my favorite movies, called "The Help," where one of the black maids raising a little, chubby white girl who didnt get her mother's attention because she was not what society would describe as perfect, would say this to the little girl every day. Then she would make the little girl repeat it back to her and I cant even begin to tell you the significance of that. Thinking, saying, or  feeling that you are smart, kind and important is the difference between a strong, confident person and a weak, insecure one. 

If only we all had that one person in our lives that told us this constantly and made us believe it. Sadly, most of us don't and most of us figure this out on our own, though it may take years upon years. It may take tragedy, a breakdown, and a disaster but at some point when we are able to rise up from the ashes, we rise up not only knowing those things, but actually believing them.

That is what growing up is.

That is what growing up has been for me. 

And that has been the most liberating and most rewarding feeling I have ever experienced. 

..And At Once I Knew I Was Not Magnificent

This blog is pretty plain, not much decor or anything going on here huh? I'll have to change that soon. It's a goal of mine for the new year.

Speaking of the new year, I am still feeling quite hopeful. I have many ideas and I've been inspired to accomplish many recurring items on my Lifetime TO Do List (I'm definitely a list person if you cant tell by now.) I have also been thinking about where I want to take this blog. It started out as a public diary, a way of tracking life events, or fleeting emotions and feelings. I often look back at posts and reminisce about what I wrote. I appreciate the fact that I can go back to a certain point in time and recall exactly what I felt because I wrote about it in such detail. Therefore, I know that I want to keep this blog going, even if its just for myself. What I will change is the frequency of my posts. I definitely want to make sure I capture this year because I feel so optimistic about it (so optimistic that I even inserted the quintessential cheesy quote pic in this post), so with that being said, I will make every effort possible to write a post every Friday starting today. I'll make it a habit so it becomes second nature.

I will also continue to post, not only about my feelings at the moment, but my discoveries in myself, in music, in art, in life, and just in general. I want to be able to look back and remind myself of the time where I made a change in my life, whether its a different way of thinking or a new band.  This blog has never been about sharing with the world, it has always been for me and my future selves. So I am making an effort to stop disappointing myself and living up to the things I imagine in my head.

Title post is "Holocene" by Bon Iver

Questionnaire Extraordinnaire

In an effort to get myself back into the flow of blogging, I am posting a few times today. I saw a questionaire that a good friend of mine filled out and thought it would be interesting to do the same..simply cuz I can and because work is slow ;)

1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.

-Dont have my iPod right now but I put my Spotify app on shuffle and here are the first 6 songs:
1. Fantasy-The xx
2.The Kids Dont Stand a Chance-Vampire Weekend
3.Tears Dry-Original Version-Amy Winehouse
4.He Can Only Hold Her-Amy Winehouse
5.Laredo-Band of Horses
6.The Only One-The Black Keys

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?
-Ryan Gosling ;)
3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.
-You can cancel the slide show at any time by pressing Escape (I'm at work, the only book around was Quick Course in Microsoft Powerpoint 2000)
4) What do you think about most?
-Losing weight
5) What does your latest text message from someone else say?
-Ok, cool. Thanks
6) Do you sleep with or without clothes on?
-With clothes on
7) What's your strangest talent?
-Hmmm...dont think I have one. maybe..I'm really good at remembering numbers? I dont know
8) Girls.... (finish the sentence); Boys.... (finish the sentence)
-Girls have more power than they realize; Boys hardly ever grow up
9) Ever had a poem or song written about you?
-Yes

10) When is the last time you played the air guitar?
-Hmm, I am more of an air drummer myself so I can remember the last time I played air guitar..maybe a few months back?
11) Do you have any strange phobias?
-Do I? Yes, many. I hate body fluids, especially spit. I am scared of ghosts, demons anything related to the paranormal. I cant go into tunnels or tight spaces, I fear of being raped and murdered, I fear of not being able to find an exit if being chased or if there is a fire, I could go on and on but I guess these are the wierdest.
12) Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?
-Um, does a Q-tip count?
13) What's your religion?
-Good question. I am not sure about this at the moment. I was raised Catholic but I dont think that is the right religion for me. I believe in God whole heartedly and I give praise in any way I could but I dont want to tie myself down to any religion, so I guess you could say I am just spiritual.
14) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?
-Running errands, going to someones house, shopping or eating
15) Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
-Definitely behind it
16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?
-Oh boy, impossible to choose..The Black Keys maybe?
17) What was the last lie you told?
-I try hard not to lie so I cant remember when was the last time I blatantly lied about something
18) Do you believe in karma?
-Yes definitely
20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?
-My organization/OCD/need for structure is both my strenght and my weakness
21) Who is your celebrity crush?
-Ryan Gosling
22) Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
-Nope-I'm scared something will crawl up a hole lol
23) How do you vent your anger?
-Crying behind closed doors or putting it to the back of my mind and moving on

24) Do you have a collection of anything?
-Empty glass jars (one day I'll make something out of them)
25) Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?
-Phone..or texting
26) Are you happy with the person you've become?
-I'm getting there, slowly but surely. I know I dont want to be anybody else
27) What's a sound you hate; sound you love?
-Hate: burping/farting; Love: my niece and nephews' laughter
28) What's your biggest "what if"?
-What if I would have majored in something I love rather than Accounting? Where would I be?

29) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?
-Hell yeah. I cant watch any movies about ghosts or aliens because otherwise I cant sleep at night
30) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.
-Right Arm: my printer at work; Left Arm: my phone at work
31) Smell the air. What do you smell?
- Soy sauce-I'm having sushi for lunch
32) What's the worst place you have ever been to?
-some hick town in North Carolina
33) Choose East Coast or West Coast?
-West coast-better weather
34) Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?
-Hmm..Adam Levine from Maroon 5 maybe
35) To you, what is the meaning of life?
-To experience, to enjoy, to make mistakes, to find yourself, to lose yourself, to be sad, happy, to be alone, to be accompanied, to learn, to make a difference, to strive, to yearn, to seek, to never find yourself with nothing to do, to be passionate, to love and to be loved.
36) Define Art.
-Visual representations of what goes on in extremely creative and talented people's heads
37) Do you believe in luck?
-Sometimes
38) What's the weather like right now?
-Rainy, slushy, but not too cold for this time of year.

40) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?
-Yes and yes. I had someone crash into me and I crashed into a rail pretty recently
41) What was the last book you read?
-I Wrote This For You
42) Do you like the smell of gasoline?
-Kind of
43) Do you have any nicknames?
-Maure
44) What was the last movie you saw?
-The Rocky Horror Picture Show
45) What's the worst injury you've ever had?
-Thankfully, I have never seriously injured myself. I guess the worst injury has been scraping my knee when I was a little girl to the point where I couldnt wear pants for like a month. It's actually the only scar I have
46) Have you ever caught a butterfly?
-No, while I love butterflies and think they are beautiful, I am kind of creeped out by them. They are still insects after all
47) Do you have any obsessions right now?
-I always have an obessesion..it's how I get by. My current obsessionsare my Kindle Fire, getting my hair to grow, Naked Eye Makeup, How I Met Your Mother, and pinterest.com
49) Ever had a rumor spread about you?
-Not that I know of
50) Do you believe in magic?
-Meh..not really

A Moment Like This

I urge anyone who comes accross this blog to check out another blog called: Collect 365 Moments. (Linked) A friend of mine (Delilah) just started this project where she will capture one random moment every day for the next year and will post the picture on the blog. I think its a pretty cool idea. It would be interesting to see what kinds of pictures we will see everyday and the whole collection at year end. She just started this two days ago, so there are currently only two pics. Both awesome pics...I might add.

We take so many things for granted these days. We never stop to just enjoy something like a random moment because we are so used to them that they no longer have value to us. Yet its these little moments that we dont even think about that make life meaningful. I know this sounds like the whole "stop and smell the roses" speech that is so overused and so corny, but the reality is: when was the last time you literally just stopped to smell the roses? When was the last time that you were so much in tune with your reality that it felt like a fantasy? When was the last time you stopped something you were doing and actually thought about what it was you were doing?

It is so easy to beleive that the world is simply you and your sorroundings, but there is so much out there that we have yet to see. And there are so many things that we have seen so many times that we are desensitized. I think that project Collect 365 Moments will be a great way to see every day things from a perspective that is not your own and because of that, I beleive, that eventually all moments will mean something again.

This Is The Sound of Settling

As I washed my hands a few days ago, I wondered whether I had chosen the right career to follow. I am currently an Accountant for IBM. I like my job. I dont find myself dreading coming into work and the hours go by quickly when I am there. But I also dont love my job either. I dont feel passionate about it and I dont know how I feel about being an accountant the rest of my life.

I feel like accounting is completely different from who I am. Accounting is based on numbers, which cannot be interpreted any other way but in numbers. 2+2 will always equal 4. A debit will always be a debit and a credit will always be a credit. Accounting is right and wrong, it is black and white.....

Yet I feel I am gray...

In some ways I can see why I would be attracted to something like Accounting. I like stability, something constant and steady, something that will always be the way it is. That stability makes me feel secure. I would hate to have to decipher between wrong and right all the time, but with Accounting it is always clear. On the other hand, deep in my heart, I feel this is not what I was meant to do. This is not something I feel will make me happy in the long run. I am a complex person, someone who is mentally unstable, who cannot make decisions, who justifies my wrongs in order to make them right in my own head. I cannot be categorized and, for me, 2 +2 doesnt always equal 4.

I realize that I dont have to define myself by my career. I realize that my career doesnt have to represent who I am. But I feel that there has to be some sort of connection there, like a person who is passionate about music is a musician, a person passionate about words is a writer, etc. I am passionate about music, reading, writing, and interior decor but yet I am none of the above. I am an accountant. And I fail to see the connection.

In my dream world, I would be an interior decorator who writes magazine articles and who does part time editing for a publishing company. I feel I was meant to live with words and not numbers. But words are so unstable and could mean anything you interpret them to mean....and that scares me.

So do I just settle and accept the comfort of my stable numbers, or do I take a risk and struggle to interpret my words?

I don't know....

Title is lyric from "The Sound of Settling" by Death Cab for Cutie-you should have realized that I am obsessed with them by now

Got Music

I've always listened to music but I didn't 'hear' it until a few years ago...and I get it now. Ever since, music has consumed my life...

I am fascinated by the effect that music can have people. It is incredible how a lyric or a melody,
such intangible things, can be so significant to so many.

I live for those moments when you hear a song and your heart just stops from how good it is or from how much a lyric touched you. I live for when music brings tears to your eyes or when it allows you to escape and get lost in a melody. I especially live for the moments where music makes me literally feel a shift in who I am. That is why I love music with purpose, with meaning behind lyrics, with intentions, with messages, secrets, and details.
 

I love music that is real.

I will talk alot about music in this blog since it is such a huge, huge part of me. It truly changed my life with just a few lyrics. It speaks for me when I don't know what to say. It is a shoulder to lean on when I feel so alone, it knows exactly what I want to...what I need to hear. It represents what I feel when nothing makes sense. It keeps me at the edge of the black abyss

To be continued....