You is Smart, You is Kind, You is Important

I am growing up. 

A part of me hates this, but a bigger part of me loves it. 

The hate part stems from the fact that responsibilities are never ending and  no one does things for you. You have to take care of yourself, provide for yourself, feed and clothe yourself, etc. And while these things might sound ideal for those teenagers I follow on tumblr, the reality is that it's not always fun. It's scary as fuck and it causes constant worry and stress. The good news is that you get used to it and become independent, but its still scary to think about sometimes. 

The part of me that loves what is happening is the one that is growing into who I am. We go through such a long and painful journey growing up. Our teenage years are filled with so much drama and so much worrying about fitting in and what other people think about us. There is constant insecurity and we are always trying to live up to other people's expectations. The best thing about growing up is that those things no longer matter. You don't have time to worry about what anyone thinks about you. There is a certain confidence that comes with age. That is why the elderly don't give a shit about what people think of them and go about doing what they want. 

It's hard thing to describe, but there comes a point in your life where you notice that it is okay to not be okay. It's okay to not agree with everyone, to not wear the latest trends or give into the latest obsessions or watch the most popular shows or movies. It's okay to like shitty music and read shitty books and eat shitty food.  There is something special about those people who just live their lives they way they want to, not the way society says they should. Of course, there is nothing wrong with following the crowd, if that is who you really are. There is no right or wrong answer on how to be yourself, as long as you are your true self. 

The title of this post is from one of my favorite movies, called "The Help," where one of the black maids raising a little, chubby white girl who didnt get her mother's attention because she was not what society would describe as perfect, would say this to the little girl every day. Then she would make the little girl repeat it back to her and I cant even begin to tell you the significance of that. Thinking, saying, or  feeling that you are smart, kind and important is the difference between a strong, confident person and a weak, insecure one. 

If only we all had that one person in our lives that told us this constantly and made us believe it. Sadly, most of us don't and most of us figure this out on our own, though it may take years upon years. It may take tragedy, a breakdown, and a disaster but at some point when we are able to rise up from the ashes, we rise up not only knowing those things, but actually believing them.

That is what growing up is.

That is what growing up has been for me. 

And that has been the most liberating and most rewarding feeling I have ever experienced. 

If I May Just Take Your Breath Away

The older I get, the more I accept myself as I am and for who I am. I dont know if times are changing or if I am just really becoming an adult, but I am really starting to not care about what other people think of me. I actually like myself...sometimes. I have many, many flaws and I am by no means perfect in any way, but I am not ashamed to be me. I am proud to be me, I accept me and I dont care if nobody else does.

It's crazy because I feel that I have always been me no matter what, but in the past I have worried about how I was being perceived. Now, I really cant even stress it. I know who I am: I am obsessive, quite selfish, contradicting, confusing, reserved, young minded, uptight and sometimes dramatic. But at the same time I am also loyal, strong, independent, responsible, creative, amicable, open and sometimes fun. I see both sides of myself and I dont need anybody to point out my flaws or my good qualities.

As I sit here sipping coffee out of my Vampire Diaries (Team Stefan) mug and listening to the Taylor Swift "Red" album, while wearing polka dot pajamas and looking forward to reading the next John Greene novel, I don't feel ashamed about anything. I have a pretty damn awesome life and I plan on enjoying it.



Title of post is from "Sweater Weather" by The Neighbourhood, which I LOVE LOVE LOVE

..And At Once I Knew I Was Not Magnificent

This blog is pretty plain, not much decor or anything going on here huh? I'll have to change that soon. It's a goal of mine for the new year.

Speaking of the new year, I am still feeling quite hopeful. I have many ideas and I've been inspired to accomplish many recurring items on my Lifetime TO Do List (I'm definitely a list person if you cant tell by now.) I have also been thinking about where I want to take this blog. It started out as a public diary, a way of tracking life events, or fleeting emotions and feelings. I often look back at posts and reminisce about what I wrote. I appreciate the fact that I can go back to a certain point in time and recall exactly what I felt because I wrote about it in such detail. Therefore, I know that I want to keep this blog going, even if its just for myself. What I will change is the frequency of my posts. I definitely want to make sure I capture this year because I feel so optimistic about it (so optimistic that I even inserted the quintessential cheesy quote pic in this post), so with that being said, I will make every effort possible to write a post every Friday starting today. I'll make it a habit so it becomes second nature.

I will also continue to post, not only about my feelings at the moment, but my discoveries in myself, in music, in art, in life, and just in general. I want to be able to look back and remind myself of the time where I made a change in my life, whether its a different way of thinking or a new band.  This blog has never been about sharing with the world, it has always been for me and my future selves. So I am making an effort to stop disappointing myself and living up to the things I imagine in my head.

Title post is "Holocene" by Bon Iver

This Year

There is a new year coming and I am feeling optimistic. I feel like this is going to be the year where I make the changes in my life that will lead me to being happy. This is the year where I hope to start the rest of my life.

I plan on paying off all my debt and starting fresh for 2014. I plan on traveling, finally losing those last 20lbs, cooking more, eating healthier, getting a new job, saving money, having fun, and just living. I want this to be the year where I look back and pinpoint it as the start of when things got good. I want to work on having a good and healthy marriage. I want to have fun.

I will try to stay this positive throughout and we will see where this positivity will take me.

It's Harder to Recall the Many Bad Times

Have you ever found a song that makes you sit back and think about your life? A song that makes you nostalgic, but the kind of nostalgia that you relish and want to hold on to? A song that elicits a flutter in the pit of your stomach and although you don't know what the feeling is, you want to keep it for as long as possible.

I think that moments like that are the reason music exists. Those artists that are truly talented and love what they do, chase those feelings and want to live and bask in them, which is why they make music for a living. And those same feelings are the criteria I use when I'm listening to new music. If it doesn't stir something up in me, it isn't worth my time.

Band of Horses has managed to blow me away with a few songs in each of their albums. To this day, I still claim "Infinite Arms" as my favorite song ever. We even chose it for our first dance at our wedding next month because when I first heard it, I thought of Victor and I thought of our relationship. The song made me catch my breath and it reminded me of the way Victor makes me feel and the way I feel about him. I never wanted to let go of those feelings and I still get them no matter how much I listen to this song. When I played it for him, he loved it too!

 I recently experienced something grand while listening to the new Band of Horses album, Mirage Rock, for the first time. I let the whole album play on Shuffle and when the song "Long Vows" came on, I had to stop what I was doing and sit down. Its a ballad with a sort of woodsy, bluesy country rock vibe and it made me feel a level of nostalgia I have never experienced before.

I put the song on repeat and I kept getting such a strong level of longing for happier times that it bought tears to my eyes and before I knew it, I broke down and I cried for a while. It was a very necessary cry, one that was cleansing, one that bought relief, one that was long overdue because I hadn't had a good cry in so long. I have so much going on right now that I haven't had time to just sit down and think. I didn't know that I needed to let it all out and I didn't know that I needed encouragement or assurance, but I got all these things from simply listening to this song.

I heard "All that you seek/All that you set out to find/Don't let anything change your mind," and got encouragement. I heard "But blankets fall, they don't stay in place just as they were made," and realized that things change and that I have to accept it. Lastly, I heard "And no one's gonna show you the way/When it gets cold you can find yourself made/Back in the hole from which you came/And everything will fall into place." I just needed to know that when all this mayhem going on my life is done, everything will eventually fall into place and everything is gonna be okay.

At the risk of sounding cliche, this is why some people say that music changes their lives...because it does. It really, really does...

To Sacrifice But Knowing to Survive

I made a huge decision a few minutes ago...I have decided that I am going back to school to get my Master's degree.

And I'm scared....quite shitless

I have been out of school for almost 5 years now. I've always wanted to get my Master's but I have kept putting it off for years now. The best time would have been right after I got my Bachelor's since I was still in school mode but instead I needed a break. It was initially supposed to be a short break, like a year or so, but it has turned into a 5 year break.

I dont know how to get into the flow of school again. My last year in college, I worked 32 hours a week at a hotel and I was a Resident Assistant at school. The stress of work and school contributed to my mental downfall. I am scared that I might be overexerting myself again since I work so many hours at IBM. I dont even know how I will find time to take classes or much less study.

I could keep putting it off but when I make up my mind about something, there is no turning back for me. Something clicked this morning and this is an official decision. I am going to apply for Fordham Grad School since I got my Bachelor of Science there, but I think I'll aim a bit higher and perhaps try NYU or Columbia Grad schools. I mean, if I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna go all out and aim for the best. I also have to think about the financial aspect of this decision, so I might have to choose cheaper schools but I'll figure the details out as I go.

I'm terrified that this wont work out or that I'll fail, but I never want to look back and regret not doing this. If my mind is made up, I cannot and will not let fear stand in my way. I've always known sacrifices result in rewards and I have always survived all my sacrifices.

This one will not be any different

Title post is "Walk" by the Foo Fighters

New Year, New Beginnings

Here is my first post in 2012. I have been meaning to write but I havent been able to find the time since work was overwhelming for the first 2 weeks of January.

In any case, I have decided to make 2012 the year where I cross as much things as possible off my To Do list in life. I have an ongoing To Do list where I basically add more to do's than I take off, but I want that to change. For starters, here is my list. I have kept many of the same things but have also made a few additions and removed some things as well. I want to keep this list as realistic as possible.

Ongoing To Do's

1. Physical and mental health and well being

2. Dedicate more time to pampering myself

3. Grow my hair long enough to donate

4. Get married

5. Finish decorating my apt

6. Eat healthier and greener

7. Take more pictures

8. Pay off credit card debt

9. Save more money

10. Learn new recipes, cook more/bake more

11. Find a career that makes me happy

12. Travel more (Paris?)

13. Find out info about going back to school for my Master's degree

14.Get new glasses

15. Figure out how to stay happy

I am really going to focus on getting these done this year, but I'll be ok if not all of them get crossed off. Some are more important than others (number 1, 6, 8, and 9 are examples) so I will have to prioritize and just see where life takes me this year.

I've Never Been So Alive

Last night, I got into a car accident. I was driving, below the speed limit, since it was raining cats and dogs out and it was hard to see. It had been raining for about 2 days straight and there were puddles everywhere and the roads were pretty wet. I guess I must have hit a dent or a small pothole under a large puddle that caused my car to kind of shake and hydroplane on the highway.

I was driving on a 4 lane highway on the last lane on the left. My car did about two 360 degree turns as it was skidding and I ended up all the way on the right shoulder of the highway after my car hit the metal railing.  It just so happened that no cars were near me at the time this was going on and since I ended up on the shoulder, I was out of the way from any oncoming cars.

The damage was pretty bad. The entire back bumper came right off, the trunk is smashed in, along with the backlight on the passenger side. Also,  the backside passenger door got dented in and is jammed shut. However, I was able to turn my car right back on. There was one of those help trucks right up the road from where my car stopped and they were able to help me dispose of the bumper, which was totaled. They also stopped oncoming traffic so I could safely get back on the highway. I drove my car all the way home and made it with no problems.

I got away without a single scratch and so did my two passengers. When I finally got home, I replayed the incident in my head over and over so many times. I cant really explain what happened because it all happened in a split second. I realized that this could have ended so much worse than it did. I could have gone over the railing and ended up in a ditch, the car could have flipped over, I could have hit another car, another car could have hit me, the front of the car could have hit the railing and it would have been totaled, one of us riding in the car could have gotten hurt or ended up in the hospital, it could have been a pile up,etc. So many could've, would've, should'ves.

Then I stopped torturing myself and realized I'M ALIVE.

Who the hell cares what could have happened? None of it did. Why stress myself with something that did not occur? I walked away unscathed and so did my passengers. No other cars were involved. Even the railing I hit got no damage. I am so incredibly fortunate to be able to live to tell this story, to joke about it, write about and remember it. I am so damn lucky to have been able to get home and to be able to wake up this morning, in my own bed, with absolutely no pain whatsoever. I am so lucky to simply be alive.

When I realized this I completely broke down. I had to compose myself, put myself back together and simply thank God. It was not my time to go. This situation could have had so many terribly tragic outcomes but it was not my time. I didnt know how much I truly love my life until I realized that it could have been taken away from me in a matter of seconds. I didnt know I could feel so appreciative and thankful for what I have until I faced the possibility of not having it at all.

I've never felt so alive...until I realized that I could have been dead

Open Your Eyes and Let All the Light In

I am still alive

I haven't had much time for much of anything, but I am still here and still alive. I know I have hinted in the past that I have several things to sort out in my head before I share them with the super massive abyss that is the Internet. I have finally sorted out most of them...

My sister gave birth to triplets two months ago. Two boys and a little girl. When I first found out this news, I went through a series of emotions. I was angry because the person she chose to have children with is not someone who I think would make a good father. I was disappointed because she was only 21 and her life has not even begun yet. I was upset because I guess I was not ready for my little sister to grow up and be a parent. I was exasperated because how on earth is she going to handle three children at once? I was indifferent because at the end of the day, it is not my life that will be eternally affected. I have never been more wrong...

I have to admit that I did not agree with her pregnancy at any point during her pregnancy. I did not ask her how she felt, how the babies were doing, didn't want to see sonograms, I didn't even touch her stomach to feel the babies kick or anything. I willingly detached myself from the whole thing. I pretended that the huge object protruding from my sister's stomach did not exist. Because I did not agree with her decision, I told myself that I wanted nothing to do with it or the children. I maintained my distance and my heart was cold.

I continued with this attitude even when the children were born and I went to see them for the first time in the NICU at the hospital. They were born premature because they are triplets and they usually do not go the full 40 week term. I hate to admit that my heart felt nothing for them. I cared because they were my family but that was as far as it went.

One day, about two weeks after they were born, I went to visit them at the NICU with my mother. It was feeding time and my sister tells the nurse to show me how to feed the little girl. I admit, my first reaction was "Hell no! I don't know what I'm doing!" but the nurse assured me I would do fine and she would be there in case I did something wrong.

When I held that little girl in my arms for the first time while I fed her, the world shifted for me.

I cannot explain what the hell happened to me but everything changed. I was overwhelmed with a need to protect this innocent little creature. I held her for a while and I was filled with an immense feeling of unconditional love for this little girl. How could I love someone so much and all she had to do was exist? She literally made me want to be a better person just for her. I guess at this point, I understood what the big deal is about having kids. It is an indescribable feeling and I will never judge people who are affected by babies again.

This does not mean that I have changed my mind about having children. My feelings still stand. I don't really like them very much. I am not ready for kids and at in this moment, I still do not want kids of my own. The difference is that I understand why people want children and how children change people's lives. Although, I am not ready to give things up and make sacrifices yet, I now know I will be capable of wanting to be a better person for the sole purpose of someone else's existence. I will be capable of forming an unrequited bond with another person. I will be capable of being patient, loving, kind, helpful, wise, etc. I will be capable of being a good mother and this is something that I have never thought I could be.

My sister always asks me why out of the triplets, I am partial to the girl. I always tell her that it's because she is the only girl or because she is so well behaved, but the truth is that this little girl changed something in me. She changed the way a huge part of my future could have played out. I could have lived the rest of my life staying away from my niece and nephews but because of her, not only will I get the opportunity to be in their life, but I also know that I am capable of loving fully, truly and unconditionally.

Here is a pic of the triplets when they were about 6 weeks old:

Alyssa Marie, Alexander James & Aaron Christopher

Title of post is from "Collapse" by Saosin

Then I Guess I'll Just Begin Again

I m super duper exhausted today. I only slept about 3 hrs last night and cant keep my eyes open. Work is a little slow right now so I have no motivation to do anything, on top of the fact that I have a massive migraine.

I have so much going through my head right now but I find it very hard to articulate, so I wont. There are things going on in my family that I have been struggling with for months. Once I sort my feelings out and come to terms with them, I will share. Though it is personal, my blog is a way for me to track what I go through from time to time. I have looked back on several posts and realize many things that I would never remember had I not posted it.

In other news, I am really excited about a big change that I am making in my life. I have decided to start a "lifestyle" change and eliminate all unhealthy, processed, fattening foods from my life. I have also decided to start a workout regimen and found a work out buddy who is just as serious as I am.

This change will be very difficult and I know that I will have minimal support. For some reason, when people find out that I am only eating healthy, they delibaretly try to sabotage my plan. They think that because I am not "obese" that I should eat what I want. They dont understand that I am unhappy with the way I look, and although I am not obese, I certainly am not thin. Eating what I want is what has made me unhappy and I am trying to do something about it.

I am more determined than ever to do this for good. I have already started making changes and I have also decided to start a "Weight Loss Blog" as well. At first, I was going to make it private but I decided not to anymore. I think that there are many people in my exact same predicament who might just need to see someone just like them making a big change. Also, it will motivate me more because I know that people might come across the blog and would like to see results.

I'll post more information when I get everything set up. It feels good to have something to look forward to. A goal to attain. A reason to wake up in the morning. Every so often, I wake up happy to be alive. I really should cherish those moments more often.

Happy Holidays

Title of post is from "Ready to Start" by Arcade Fire

Doubts Are All I've Got To Call Mine...

Life has been pretty consistent lately. All the usuals: slaving at work, starting a "diet" every week, family arguements, spending money i dont have, drinking, putting off laundry and dishes, making shitty meals, lamenting my career choice, Family Guy, Lifetime weekends, and it goes on and on....

I am thinking about joining a kickboxing class that they offer in some health center 1o minutes from where I live. Right now they are offering 3 sessions for $20. I guess you can decide if you want to join after that. I'm nervous about this.

First, I dont know how much the total price will be. Second, I dont have the courage to do this class by myself. I am utterly embarrassed and ashamed. What if I am too fat to keep up and end up passing out? I wont know anybody that can buffer my insecurities. Lastly, will I have the energy to go to these classes? They are 1 hr sessions and there are classes offered 6 times a week. I was thinking about going 2 to 3 times a week, but work takes so much out of me. It is very difficult to work an entire day at a job that you hate and makes you miserable. Misery requires a lot of energy, you know.

I guess I have to find some sort of inner motivation deep, DEEP within myself. I just saw a picture of myself on Facebook that a friend of mine tagged me in. It is a very recent pic of me, taken last Sat 10/16/2010. You cant really see any of my body, just my chest and some of my arms but I look horrifying. I look swollen and pregnant and like a massive, ginormous killer whale that breeded with an elephant on steroids whose children then breeded with an extra,large hippo that had an affair with the mother of all cows and conceived an illegitimate bastard combination child with terrible genes and that was destined to be obese no matter what they did. Yes, I look that bad...

The thing that kills me...absolutely kills me...is that I thought I looked good that night. I actually thought I looked pretty and that I had succeeded in looking like I know how to apply makeup and like my outfit was somewhat fashionable and I had matching accessories. I even attempted to give my hair some life by curling the ends. It just resulted in me looking like a fat wannabe with a bad makeup job and flat hair. I walked around with confidence that night, thinking I was turning heads and shit, but boy was I wrong. I was so embarrassed my heart sank when I saw these pictures and I wanted to cry.

I know there are people that are gonna tell me that I looked great and blah blah blah but nothing anybody can say will change my mind. It's great if others view me a certain way, but that doesnt make a difference to me because that is not the way I view myself. I am just so sick of being disappointed in the way I look.

I am sick and tired of being unhappy in every way. I am just so lost. I dont know where to turn or what to do. The only way I see myself being happy is if I never look at another mirror or ever allow myself to think every again. Clearly, neither is possible so I need a sign or some guidance or something, ANYTHING to make me see the light.


Title of post is from "Duality" by Bayside

She's So Vacant, Her Soul Is Taken

My unhappiness peaked yesterday. My gasket was blown. My stress reached irrational levels. I now understand how people can just up and quit a job and not think twice about the consequences.

I HATE MY JOB

It makes me miserable. I am giving away the best years of my life to a company that doesnt give a shit about me and that will outsource my job in a nano second. Is this what life is supposed to be like? Is everyone else saying the same thing about their jobs? Are there people who are actually happy with their jobs? Does that even exist? It seems so impossible to me.

I have never had a job that I enjoyed. Mostly because they were all just that: jobs....but this is my career! This is supposed to be what I spend the rest of my life doing. This is what I dedicated 4 years of my life in college to. My God, I didnt know myself back then because if I did, I would NEVER have picked this career.

I used to think that the company I worked for was the bad one and thats what made me miserable, but in my irrationality yesterday (is that a word?) I had one clear, rational thought: "I was not meant to be an accountant." My misery in my career has nothing to do with the company I work for, although it does add to it, but it has everything to do with my career choice.

Now that I think back to it, all the signs were clear. I never enjoyed numbers. I never enjoyed Math. It was my weakest subject. I am a woman of words and books, not numbers and equations. I initially liked the fact that accounting was black and white. Debits must always equal credits. It made me comfortable to know that there was always a wrong and a right. But now that I am older and much less naive, I realize that the world is gray. There are exceptions to rules and there is never a wrong and a right.

Everything about who I am goes against this career choice. I have outgrown it. I keep telling myself that the money makes up for the misery but the truth is that I dont get paid enough to fake the satisfaction I should feel. Money really cant buy happiness....and I am finding this out the hard way.

Title of Post is from "He Can Only Hold Her" by Amy Winehouse

Seasons

I am so excited that it is September 1st today. Yes, time has flown by at alarming speed but I am excited because September means that it is almost Autumn!

I love this time of year passionately. It's not too warm (although its been over 90 degrees lately) but its not too cold. There is just a clean, crisp chill in the air. Perfect to have some hot chocolate or some apple cider or warm pumpkin spice coffee. I love the colors associated with Autumn-the bright burnt oranges and reds and the browns and dark yellows. I love the smells associated with this season-the pumpkin, nutmeg, cinnamon, hazelnut, etc. I absolutely love it!!!

I wish I could find a place where it was permanently fall. I think that would make me really happy. Since Fall only lasts like 2 months, I am going to take advantage of it this year. Here are 10 things I plan to do:

1. Take more walks

2. Take pictures of the trees and leave colors

3. Collect twigs and leaves and make something out of it

4. Drink lots of any warm liquid that is pumpkin flavored

5. Infuse my home with autumn smells

6. Make pumpkin bread and sweet potatoe pies

7. Go to Farmers Markets

8. Go apple picking

9. Go row boating in Central Park

10. Rake a pile of leaves and then jump in

I guess that's all I have for now. If anyone else has any other activities, I'd love to hear them.

Changes

So I have been on this diet for the past 18 days. I still have 10 more days to go. I dont know what the name of it is but the name I have given it is "The Starvation Diet" because I feel like I am literally starving lol. The point of the diet is to train your stomach to feel full on smaller amounts of food. All I've been eating for the past 18 days is lettuce, fruits, grilled chicken, cucumbers, etc. I havent had a carb in my body for a while (the diet did allow one slice of bread on the third and fifth day.)

As much as I feel like I have been suffering, I do think that my stomach is definitely used to eating a lot less now. I get fuller from eating just some grilled chicken and some steamed veggies. I am also drinking more water and eating a lot more fresh foods than I did in the past. I made a few adjustments to the diet as I've gone along. For example, some days require me to only eat fruit or vegetables for dinner. I'm sorry but I am not a rabbit so those days I add some grilled chicken to dinner. I have also added one tablespoon of low fat peanut butter the other day because my body was craving a fat. I figured peanut butter is a healthy fat.

And lets not get into cravings. All I think about is chocolate chip cookies, pizza, a juicy burger, moist brownies, garlic bread, french fries, etc. I have definitely learned to appreciate food in a different way. The crazy thing is that I have also been craving mangoes and other fruit that have too much natural sugar for me to eat during the diet. I never thought I would crave fruit. The other day, I was so excited that I was gonna eat okra for lunch. Yeah, okra...

After all this pain and suffering I am going through, you better believe that my eating habits have changed. I do NOT ever want to re-train my stomach ever again. I have learned so much so far. I no longer feel like food is my life and I am now eating to survive and because my body asks for it, not because my mind tells me it needs food. Also, this diet is definitely teaching me that I have more self control than I thought. Before, I would tell myself that there was no way I could resist a chocolate chip cookie and yet, I was able to bake chocolate chip cookies for Victor and I didnt eat a single one. In my eyes, that was a HUGE accomplishment. I mean who can resist home made chocolate chip cookies?

Oh and I've lost about 15lbs too! Guess thats also an accomplishment :)

I'm Too Young To Feel This Old

Its official, my job is aging me.

I have been feeling so unsatisfied with work. One of the worst feelings in the world is when you dread waking up because you know you have to go to work. This is exactly how I have been feeling lately. I dont know what is going on but my job is not making me happy. I am aware that many people's jobs dont make them happy, but I would like to beleive that that is not the case for everyone.

I enjoy what I do and I enjoy the people I work with, but lately I have been feeling like this is not what my life is cut out for. I have felt this before but this time it is much stronger and constant. Its like a nagging feeling that keeps telling me that I am destined for more in this life than tracking revenue for multi-million dollar customers.

I think I recently had an epiphany when I went on a mini vacation to Virginia a few days ago. For the first time, in a very long time, I felt my age while I was there. I did things normal 23 soon to be 24 year olds do all the time. I wasnt worried about how I was gonna pay my rent and credit cards and how I was going to afford gas for the month. I wasnt worried about reconciling accounts and preparing finacial statements for the insurance subsidiary. I just felt so carefree, young, and so....myself.

I come back to New York and reality slapped me in the face. It was the 1st of the month and my rent is due and its my busy week at work and I realize that I just dont know how to find a balance between being young and carefree and being responsible. I cant find a grey area. And again, I realize that this is NOT how my life is supposed to be. I feel like my soul is slowly dying everytime I have to balance a revenue account or defer costs to amortize.

Looking back on this blog, I see that many times I have vouched to change my life, to enjoy myself more often, to try to really live my life and though I feel like I have made changes, it seems I always end up where I started. Reminds me of a Radiohead lyric from the song "15 Steps." (**Click on the link, its an excellent song**) It goes:

"How come I end up where I started

How come I end up where I went wrong"

I always end up back at the beginning and back at the wrong place. Its a vicious cycle but now I am more determined to end it because I have never felt so lost and unsatisfied in my life. I need an answer and I need one fast because I'm slowly disintegrating and blending into the monotony of life that many fall into. And honestly, Im too damn young to feel this old and to feel so trapped.

What is my purpose in life? I refuse to believe my purpose is to simply exist and use up oxygen. I refuse to look back on life and feel like I did nothing worth reminiscing about. There has to be more to life out there. Maybe I just have to reach out and grab it.

Maybe I just have to....let go.

Day 10-Photo of You Taken Over 10 Years Ago

I dont really have much digital photos from 10 years back, so I really didnt have a picture to put up for this one. My godsister, who has been obsessed with taking pictures her entire life, had plenty of old and quite embarrassing pictures of me that I just cant bear to share with the world. First opportunity I get, I will destroy the pictures.

I did, however, find a fairly decent pic that I like from almost 10 years back. This pic will have to do. We were somewhere in Queens, visiting my godsister's ex-husbands parents. I beleive I was 14 or 15 in this pic. Im the one in the middle.

Boy have times changed.....

Emotion Is Energy In Motion

Ok so I noticed I never follow up when I say Im gonna post pics or updates or whatever. Ill get to it eventually...Lately, I have been very busy at work. I am mentally exhausted and dont really want to think much about anything when I get home.

I have also been dealing with some family drama (as usual.) I feel I was betrayed by someone close to me and it has been painful to accept. It is just so disappointing when you put expectations on somebody and they completely do the opposite. The expectations were'nt even unrealistic, they were logical. From this betrayal I have learned two VERY important lessons that I want to share:

1) You cannot help somebody who does not want to be helped. More importantly, the more you help this person, the less appreciative they are of your help. Sometimes people need to find themselves deep in their own shit in order to realize that someone is/was offering them help. Sometimes when you give people too much help, they expect it and think that its a way of life, when in reality help is rare.

2) You can never get something back that was not yours to begin with. I was under the impression that something was given back to me and it was hard to realize that it was never mine to begin with. Sometimes people have impressions of others based on a memory or a shared experience, but those impressions dont always remain the same. I am beginning to accept that people change and the way you remember someone is not necessarily the way they are. Sometimes you think you know someone, then something happens and you realize that you dont know them anymore, you just knew them.

I will always remember these lessons because they represent a tremendous change in my life. I am at a point where I got smacked with the reality of life. And let me tell you that it has hurt me so badly. My icicle of a heart is not used to rational emotion and I've prevented it from being hurt for so many years, that I have become unfamiliar with the feeling of true, rational and unfabricated pain.

Suprisingly, I am not angry or bitter and I have not shed a tear because of this betrayal, I am just broken.

Completely broken....

I'm Afraid To Live And Not Remember Why

Yesterday I found out that a friend of a friends mother passed away. News like this is never good and it really got to me. How does one recover from losing a parent? How does life go on after this? This girl is in her early twenties and has a sister that is no older than 5. Her whole world has flipped upside down overnight.

Life is full of changes and we eventually get used to these changes but losing a parent is a change that, I imagine, is hard to recover from. Losing anyone is hard to recover from. Death is permanent, there is no going back. There is no way to fix it or change it. It is just the end with no possibility of an epilogue or a continuation. Death is final and conclusive.

This news really got me thinking. Tomorrow, it will be one year since my grandfather died. He had lung cancer. He smoked his whole life and by the time they found out he had cancer, it had already eaten through his bones. I last saw him in January 2009 and he looked fine, healthy even....but two months later he died.

I didnt cry when I first heard the news. I didnt know this man. I mean, I've met him and spent time with him whenever I visited the Dominican Republic where he lived. I spent a summer over there when I was 7, but aside from that, I never had a conversation with him. I never knew the kind of person he was except from what other people told me about him. I know he would buy me ice cream when I was over there. He would give me frosting puffs to eat. He would give me money to buy soda from the colmado on the corner. One night, the electricity was out and we sat on the galleria out front and he told my sister and I a way to find our way home by a ray of light in the sky that came from a tower in DR.

These are the few things that I remember. This is all I personally know about him. My opportunity was gone. No second chance. When I realized this, thats when I cried. I cried and I cried and I cried and when I was done, I cried some more. I cared for my grandfather deeply.... I would say that I loved him, but he never knew this. I never told him this and he never told me how he felt about me either. The finality of death took this from me. The realization that it was too late was devastating to me. It still is...

When my parents came back from the funeral in DR, they brought back several cards they give out at funerals where it has a picture of the person and the dates of their birth and death. On the back of this card, it had a bible passage. It was Psalm 23. This is my favorite bible passage and the only one I know that affects me. I felt a sudden calm enter me when I saw this passage. I felt like it was chosen because my grandfather wanted me to know that I was on his mind. I know that to most it would just be a coincidence but I truly felt like this was a sign...more importantly, its the only thing I have to hold on to.

I went back to the Dominican Republic the summer of 2009, 5 months after he died. My grandparents house was not the same. It felt empty. It was no longer a home. The house now has an unexplainable void that his presence used to fill....and so does my heart.

RIP

Papa Tiodo

A Much Needed Change

Today I got good news at work. I was told that I would be changing departments and would be going to the department next to me starting April 15th. NOTHING could excite me more than this news.

I was ready for a change. I have been in my same department for almost 2 years and I needed to do something new and different. My current desk stresses me the fuck out...to say the least. It involves a certain contract that makes me pull my hair out because its so complicated and volatile. This contract is the reason why I break out like a teenage boy in heat.

I will be leaving this contract and other headache inducing aspects of my desk to the next sucker and I wont have to deal with them any longer. My new desk is completely different and I will be working with a smaller number of contracts so I will be able to go more in detail. Most importantly, its just a new set of procedures, new finance people, new co-workers, new boss....and I needed this change badly. Also, I was told that this move will make a promotion easier if I prove myself...which I have every intention of doing.

This news is just so refreshing, I feel so excited about this. I know this new job wont be easy and it wont be a walk in the park but Im ready to do something different and Im glad Im getting the opportunity to do so.