Still Into You

Every once in a while I get the urge to be mushy and loving, this is one of those times.

Does anyone ever have a moment where they are overpowered by the feelings they have for someone else? Like you are just sitting there and then all of a sudden you get hit with a wave of emotion. You realize things, good or bad, that perhaps you have never noticed before and you are left with a life changing feeling once this moment passes.

This happened to me recently. I started thinking about my husband (still not used to calling him that) and I was overwhelmed by what I felt for him. I realized that we have been together for 8 years and my feelings for him are still as strong as the day I fell in love. If we were to ever part, I would compare every man to him and I know that nobody would ever live up to him.

I still get butterflies before I see him sometimes, I miss him when I dont get to spend time with him even though we live together, and the greatest feeling in the world is falling asleep next to him. Now I know that I am dangerously close to being corny as fuck, but these things are all true and I want to put them out there. I really and truly love my husband, he is one of a kind. He is so sweet, genuine, funny and has the best heart. He had the worst upbringing and had nobody to guide him and yet he managed to authentically be a good person. He kept himself together and went against the odds to make something of himself. That kind of achievement deserves respect and honor.

Everyday I realize how lucky I am to have married someone like him. He lets me be myself and never judges me. He lets me have my freedom and supports all my antics, even when they dont make sense and this lets me know that he wants me to be happy. And because we are a real couple, things are not always rainbows and unicorns, but even at our worst moments, I never have any regrets about him and I have never, ever questioned how I feel about him. In fact, when everything is out of control in my life, the one thing I am sure about is how I feel about him. It's my connection to reality, it keeps me grounded and it brings me back.

And now that I have crossed the corny/pathetic line, I can wrap this up. My husband is not perfect and has many flaws, but so do I. I never believed in marriage but now that I am married, I get it. It is different from just being in a relationship because you take a vow and you are bonded both spiritually and legally. You become family despite not sharing blood and there is nothing more important in life than family. Life is not a fairy tale, he is not Prince Charming, I am not Cinderella. He didnt sweep me up on his white horse or release me from a tower. My life is no Disney movie, but it's still pretty damn perfect.



Title of Song is "Still Into You" by Paramore which describes everything I'm feeling perfectly. 

This is the Start of Something Beautiful, This is the Start of Something New



Maurylyne & Victor
10.19.12

So it happened, I am officially married now! All the planning and details and phone calls and emails all paid off. The wedding was beautiful and I had such a great time. It was truly an unforgettable experience and I am so glad that we went through with it. No regrets... 

Title of post "This" by Ed Sheeran

Day 11-Write a Poem to Someone You Love

It has been a LONG time since I have done this, but here it goes:

I was doubtful about you
Could not predict our future
Couldnt clearly see you and me becoming we
Not enough reasons to be together
But plenty to stay apart

Yet I jumped in anyway
With my heart then my brain
At times, my decision seemed foolish
Naive, stupid, immature
I never knew if I had done the right thing

Until one day, I heard your laughter
It rose from the pit of your stomach
It rang through your chest
That sound, that precious sound
Took away all doubt from my mind

Everything has been worth it
All the struggles, obstacles and trials
Everything is worth doing again
As long as I get to hear your laughter
For the rest of my life

Can We Get Much Higher?

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. Mine was full of drama as usual. I was caught off guard though because I really thought that there would be none this year, but what's a holiday without drama? I am resigned to accept that this is what is to be expected every year. Sadly, its not even boyfriend/fiance drama, it's even worse....FAMILY drama. I say worse because I can't really get rid of them the way I could get rid of a man that brings me problems. I am stuck with these people for life.

Despite my darkness, I made an effort to make my home look Christmas-y. I put up a tree and lights everywhere. I really LOVE the lights I put on my best post and I think I am gonna keep them there all year round. They look so beautiful at night. It gives the room a nice glow.

In other happier news, I got some really awesome gifts this Christmas. One was my Amazon Kindle. This bad boy has not left my side for the last 4 days. I have downloaded a few books and have already completed one of them. I decided to read the Vampire Diaries series because I think that I am a teenager and so that is what I read. Don't you dare judge me! I always find that books are better than movies or, in this case, TV shows, but I have to say that I like the TV show better than the books so far. I am currently on Volume II so maybe it gets better.

Most importantly, Mr. Magic has been replaced. My mom got me a new Chi flat iron!!! I will call him Mr. Magic II. Boy did I miss this flat iron. A few days ago I washed my hair but didn't have my blow drier so I just left it curly. The next day, when it was all dry and frizzy, I remembered that I had a new Mr. Magic so I tested it out and let me tell you that this flat iron is magical. It made my very curly hair straight and silky smooth without blow drying first! Also, I didn't put anything in my hair at all. I wish I would have taken before and after pics but I was in such awe that I didn't even think about it.

Lastly, I got some other things like a Snuggie (I love it! Don't judge!), some nice lotion and other beauty products, a purse, and some really cool coffee mugs. I got the new Kanye West CD, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, for Victor and I have been listening to it non stop so far. I like all types of music, as long as the music is talented. I will be honest, there are not much "talented" rappers out there but Kanye West is definitely one of them. The CD is really, really good and I love that he worked with Justin Vernon from Bon Iver (one of my fav Indie bands). I definitely recommend for everyone to listen to it. I know Kanye is a cocky little shit but keep the artist separated from the music and you will see that he really is talented. I can't pick a favorite song yet, so far I think its "Monster," but "Power" and "Runaway" are close second.

I Need You So Much Closer

Sometimes we feel that nobody has ever been through what we have been through and that nobody has ever felt the way we have felt. The truth is that, somewhere in this vast world, there is a person going through the same thing you are. Or there is someone who has already been through it.

One of the things that amazes me the most is when I find music that feels like it was written for me. Sometimes the lyrics in a song say exactly what I cannot say or don't know how to say. It is comforting to know that other people who have no idea who I am, have felt what I am currently feeling.

This is the case with the song "Transatlanticism" by Death Cab for Cutie. As many of you know, I love, love, love Death Cab. There is something about their music that really hits home with me. At this moment, this song is saying everything that I have not been able to say to an important person in my life. I need him so much closer...I need him.

Words They Come and Memories All Repeat

This is my 100th post since I started this little blog almost a year ago. I dont know if that is a lot or not enough but I guess it doesnt matter because I dont post things for anyone in particular. This blog was created for myself so that I can have a place to keep my thoughts organized and so that I can go back to a certain time and see what I was going through and who I was at that moment. I am glad I started this because I really have an insight of how my year has gone so far. This has been a great way to analyze myself, more than I already do.

Since it is my 100th post, I will keep things positive and I have a small recap. I have been slightly better. I am no longer drowning in my darkness. It looks like the change I thought was going to happen in my life, will not and I am glad to have that piece of consistency at the moment. I dont think I was ready to give it up like I had convinced myself.

I also got my car back Monday night which is a huge part of me feeling better. I no longer feel so trapped...even though the only place I have been driving is to and from work. I guess the fact that I dont have to depend on a train schedule any more is what makes me feel better. My car looks good and is running just the same. I didnt end up paying the $500 cash because the mechanic that fixed it knows my father and he said it was ok to just give him the insurance money. The repairs totaled $4,165 including my $500, so the mechanic got $3,665 altogether.

Another reason I am feeling better is because the weather has finally cooled down. Eventhough its been raining every day, the days that are sunny are truly spectacular. As I have said many times, this is my favorite time of year. I was ready for summer to end. I am sorrounding myself in pumpkin, cinnamon and spice for the next few months.

Lastly, I have a lot to be thankful for. My apartment is clean, my fridge is full, my hair has been extra soft lately, my family is all healthy, I have a list of new bands to check out, I gave love another chance, and somehow in the midst of all my darkness, I always ALWAYS end up swimming again.

Title of Post is "The Background" by Third Eye Blind-so fitting for me right now

And Take A Little Walk, When the Worst Is To Come

Still on my Band of Horses streak. This is my song of the moment: "Detlef Schrempf"

Something that has been a constant in my life for years, might be coming to end. While there is some relief, I feel massive amounts of sorrow. I am drowning in it.

"And say you're at a loss or forgot that words can do more than harm"

This lyric from this song resonates deep within me in a way I cant even explain. It says so much without saying anything at all and no truer words have ever been said.

Words...

They can do so much damage and yet sometimes all you need is a few words to make everything better. I'm Sorry...I love you...so small and so simple and yet they have the power to reverse the irrevocable.

One word can be interpreted so many different ways. One word can come out wrong or absolutely right. Interpretations of these words is just as important as the words themselves. My interpretations have broken me. His interpretations have broken him.

I say things I dont mean. So does he....and though words are fleeting and intangible, the damage they cause is worse than physical pain. You cannot measure how to heal from the pain of words. It is not visible to the eye like a physical scar is. Sometimes you never heal and sometimes the damage cannot be undone.

If this enormous part of life does come to an end, it will not be because of what was said, it will be because of interpretations that were misread and because we did not read between the lines. It will be because of words left unsaid...

By the way, if anyone gets a chance, please listen to Band of Horses "Infinite Arms" performed live. It is breathtaking and evokes emotions that lay dormant. There is something about this song that tugs at my very being. I can physically feel it affecting me. This song is an experience...it is almost supernatural. I hope whoever listens to it can feel what I feel when I hear it.

Others Came Before Me, Others To Come

I have been meaning to blog for weeks but havent felt like I have anything new to say. I have been stuck in my rut and I have not seen the light at the end of my tunnel.

I cant sleep. I am drinking massive amounts of coffee in the morning and I feel like I am coming down with a cold...again. Is there another word for misery? I am tired of repeating myself.

Been listening to a lot of Band of Horses lately. Their melancholy beats suit my moods, particularly in their song "Infinite Arms." I interpret the song to be about death but I can also see how it can be about love. It is a perfect crossfire and the feelings it emits fit me to a T. It reminds me of him...

I feel like I am dead. I most certainly do not feel alive. And while I feel love, I have learned tough lessons about love. It does not conquer all. It does not heal. It is not the solution to everything. Love is more work and sacrifice than anything else. Love requires effort. Love is difficult and complicated and often causes more problems than it solves. Love is scarring and can be hurtful. Love can make you oblivious and can consume you whole. Once you fall into it, you are never the same.

Some say it is worth all the pain, some say it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Me? I dont know anymore...

Enjoy "Infinite Arms"

Deadly Passion

Here is something Victor wrote yesterday. I am happy he had the courage to show it to me. I really like it and wanted to share:

Why can't shit change? I'm going through pain

It's driving me insane

Heart is soaking in the pouring rain

It's a shame

Everyday that goes by my soul cries

Wondering why try if I'm living to die?

My love, my best friend, my partner in crime

You're always there at the wrong time

You're a part of me and always will be

But I will never be free

Cuz you always get the best of me

I love you so, you help me grow

And the burning pain you've caused

I cover it up like a car buried in snow

But it's time to let you go, my beautiful love

You will always be my friend, but now a distant stranger

I finally graduated, so here's to you

My one and only

ANGER

Do The Hustle!

In wake of my epiphany about enjoying life and having fun, I signed up for unlimited dance lessons for a month in the city at a place called Dance Paradise. They offer classes for Salsa, Merengue, Bachata, Cha Cha and Hustle. My first time going was yesterday. I made it to the 8:30pm Beginners Hustle class.

Now, its not the hustle that everyone is thinking about. Its more of an old school salsa....well, its the dance that salsa originated from. Its a very graceful dance that consists of simple steps that get repeated. Its definitely not the hustle from the 70's that first comes to mind.

Anyway, I went with two of my co-workers and Victor. Yes, he agreed to come and that made me so happy! There were only two guys there and he was one of them. The rest were women of all ages. Since the dance steps are different for the men, the two guys got private lessons from the female instructor while all the girls learned together with the male instructor.

I had such a blast trying to learn how to turn and fall back into step. It was so much fun!! I had such an awesome time. Nobody there was judging you, the instructor didnt make you feel stupid, and it was just all fun. Even Victor had a good time, and told me he wanted to go to the Beginners Salsa. I will definitely be taking advantage and going a few times a week. I wanna go to the Bachata/Cha Cha class.

Going to dance lessons is something I would NEVER agree to do and thats the exact reason why I did it. And so far, I think it's gonna be a great decision. It's amazing how this one simple deviation can make such a difference in me. This little step has made me so happy and it has made me want to keep trying new things that I would never do. It felt great to throw caution and insecurities to the wind and just....dance. I just wonder, what else have I been missing out on?

This Is Who I Really Am Inside

I'll be turning 24 in exactly 24 days. For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm getting old. Next year, I will be 25 years old. That is a whole quarter of a century. I feel like I havent lived yet.

Lately, Victor has been putting pressure on me to agree that in a few years, we will start a family...meaning have a baby. I havent answered him because my answer will break his heart. I dont want kids. I never have and its starting to feel like I never will. I know this is wrong but to me children = the end of my youth and that is something that I am NOT ready to give up yet.

I have been an adult most of my life. I have been responsible and mature since I was about 7 years old. Now is the time that I am starting to feel young. Most days I wake up and I feel like a 16 yr old posing as an almost 24 yr old adult. I feel like this is the time for me to do the things that I didnt get a chance to do before because I was too busy being responsible. I need time to be young and carefree. A baby will take all of this away from me and all I'll do is end up resenting it and living vicariously through others.

My biggest concern, as I have mentioned numerous times before, is living with regret. I dont want to be an old lady who wonders what could have been or who regrets not doing enough. I already feel that way. The difference is that right now I have time to change this feeling, but if I wait any longer, I will not get the chance I have right now. Everyday that goes by, I get older and my opportunity diminishes. Everyday, I hate the fact that it feels like my time is running out. Everyday, it feels like I get closer to the end.

I know that I probably sound like the most selfish, self absorbed, heartless bitch in the world because I would rather live my life than bear a child. But the thing is that this is how I feel. I am being honest with myself and I am more comfortable with the truth than I am with lying about what I feel just so that society doesnt view me as a heartless bitch. People say that this changes with time and maybe it will but right now, I dont have any semblance of a biological clock ticking and telling me its time. I dont have any semblance of motherly instinct. I am not touched by the sight of a newborn nor is my heart fulfilled when I hear child's laughter.

I need to focus on myself and on being happy and living my life. I dont want to think about starting a family or having a baby. Right now, the only thing I need the most of is the thing I feel I am running out of: TIME

Changes

So I have been on this diet for the past 18 days. I still have 10 more days to go. I dont know what the name of it is but the name I have given it is "The Starvation Diet" because I feel like I am literally starving lol. The point of the diet is to train your stomach to feel full on smaller amounts of food. All I've been eating for the past 18 days is lettuce, fruits, grilled chicken, cucumbers, etc. I havent had a carb in my body for a while (the diet did allow one slice of bread on the third and fifth day.)

As much as I feel like I have been suffering, I do think that my stomach is definitely used to eating a lot less now. I get fuller from eating just some grilled chicken and some steamed veggies. I am also drinking more water and eating a lot more fresh foods than I did in the past. I made a few adjustments to the diet as I've gone along. For example, some days require me to only eat fruit or vegetables for dinner. I'm sorry but I am not a rabbit so those days I add some grilled chicken to dinner. I have also added one tablespoon of low fat peanut butter the other day because my body was craving a fat. I figured peanut butter is a healthy fat.

And lets not get into cravings. All I think about is chocolate chip cookies, pizza, a juicy burger, moist brownies, garlic bread, french fries, etc. I have definitely learned to appreciate food in a different way. The crazy thing is that I have also been craving mangoes and other fruit that have too much natural sugar for me to eat during the diet. I never thought I would crave fruit. The other day, I was so excited that I was gonna eat okra for lunch. Yeah, okra...

After all this pain and suffering I am going through, you better believe that my eating habits have changed. I do NOT ever want to re-train my stomach ever again. I have learned so much so far. I no longer feel like food is my life and I am now eating to survive and because my body asks for it, not because my mind tells me it needs food. Also, this diet is definitely teaching me that I have more self control than I thought. Before, I would tell myself that there was no way I could resist a chocolate chip cookie and yet, I was able to bake chocolate chip cookies for Victor and I didnt eat a single one. In my eyes, that was a HUGE accomplishment. I mean who can resist home made chocolate chip cookies?

Oh and I've lost about 15lbs too! Guess thats also an accomplishment :)

An Ode to Las Vegas

So I recently came back from Vegas (on the 26th) and had a great time as expected. This was my second time going and it was just as awesome as I remembered it. There is always lots to do and its just a beautiful city.

So to briefly recap, I went with Victor this time-just the two of us. We stayed at Excalibur for the 5 days we were there. It's the hotel that literally looks like a castle and its located on the south end of the Las Vegas Strip. This is what the hotel looked like at night:

This was a kid friendly hotel so there were a bunch of kids all over the place (i dont understand why parents would bring kids to Vegas) but I didnt let it get to me. We spent most of the day sitting by the pool tanning and swimming. It was about 115 degrees everyday and that's just too hot to walk around in. We ended up getting so tan we looked burnt. The sun feels like its literally next to you, so I wasnt surprised we tanned so much.

After we would hang out by the pool all day we would go walk the strip in the evening. We pretty much went to all the hotels on the strip and caught pretty much every free show available-like the fountains at the Bellagio, the Sirens of TI at Treasure Island, the Volcano Explosion at the Mirage, the shows at Circus Circus, etc. They were all a lot of fun.

We also went to Fremont Street, which is what they call the "Old Las Vegas." This is where the original Las Vegas strip started. The atmosphere was great. People just walking around drinking and enjoying the free concerts they had that night. Also, practically the whole street is under a dome that has huge TV screens as the ceiling (see pic below.) We took public transportation to get there,which was fun. We ended up taking the bus to go everywhere, even the Las Vegas Outlet Center, a mall, that is the last stop on the bus going south. We bought souveneirs there and just walked around.

Another cool thing we did was see the Bodies Exhibit at the Luxor Hotel. It was located right next to Exacalibur and we could see it from our hotel room window. Luxor is shaped like a pyramid and it has a blue light that shoots up into the sky at night. Its really nice on the inside too. We did catch a show at the Monte Carlo. It was the Lance Burton magic show, which I must admit, was awesome. Im usually not fooled by "magic tricks" but some of the things in the show left me wondering how the hell he pulled it off.

We went to one nightclub/bar in hotel New York New York but it wasnt really our kind of atmosphere and it was so expensive to get in. We were running low on money by then and decided that next time we go to Vegas, we will try to get into one of the fancy, celebrity nightclubs. They usually only let in groups of skinny girls dressed like skanks but we are gonna give it a try. This is the view from the south part of the strip looking to the North. It is amazing to look at when the sun goes down and the temperature is bearable. New York New York is located right behind the Statue of Liberty imitation.

Lastly, one of the most exciting things that happened while in Vegas was that Vic proposed to me. He did it officially-getting down on one knee with a ring. We were in a resort lobby with a bunch of strangers, looking to get a timeshare (we got to the hotel too early to check in and had to waste a few hours and they offered us free tickets to Lance Burton). In the middle of introductions, Victor gets up and starts to say that everyone in the room is so nice and that he feels its the right moment to do this. I had NO IDEA what he was talking about. He then goes on to say that he didnt have enough money to get a ring until now, and I'm like "what the hell is he doing?" It still hadnt hit me...

So he gets down on one knee infront of all these strangers and he asks me to marry him. At this point, I am in so much shock that I nod yes and the crowd goes wild with cheers and claps. I was furiously blushing from embarassment of being the center of attention and the surprise of it all. It was like a scene right out of a movie and something I'll never forget. The ring is absolutely beautiful and it has "me" written all over it. Its simple, elegant and just perfect.

To conclude, I had a great time in Vegas. I got to relax, tan and do some sightseeing. We saw some great shows, ate a lot of good food and got engaged. I came back happier than I've felt in a while and thats a big deal for me, so thanks Vegas :)

Day 12- A Description of Your Ideal Boyfriend

Well, I am a little bit iffy about this one because I don't really know how to answer. Should I specify looks? Or personality? Or both? Should I be serious? Or joke around? So I am just going to post what comes to mind and hope that nobody gets their feelings hurt.

My ideal boyfriend would be somebody that I don't get bored with. This person needs to be a little different from me so that I don't get bored and tired of the same thing. I get enough of myself in myself. I also need someone who makes me laugh and who I can communicate with easily. I need somebody responsible but who knows how to have a good time. And lastly, somebody who is mellow and relaxed so they can calm my agitated-anxiety-OCD induced ass.

I would also love someone musical, who can play an instrument or something. Then again, what girl doesn't love a musician?

As far as looks go, its not really that important. Of course a tall, dark and handsome guy wouldn't hurt but I really believe that personality is what makes someone good looking. After you get to know someone, you don't even see them the way everyone else does anymore. Your view of them is skewed and you always see them as beautiful or hideous.

I have to admit that Victor does possess many of these qualities but he also isn't perfect...and that is okay with me. Who am I to judge right? ;)

Miserable At Best

I had an epiphany the other day. The kind that wakes you up and puts everything into perspective. I realized that I am a miserable person and that my misery is not caused by any outer, environmental factors, my misery is innate. I was born this way and I will most likely die this way.

I dont know how to be anything other than miserable, any other emotion is unfamiliar and uncomfortable. I often wonder how people have happiness that just radiates out of them. What did they do differently that they are able to feel that way? What did I miss? I cannot fathom how people can be innately happy. How people can genuinely laugh and genuinely be interested in how others are doing and how people smile with their eyes...I just dont get it.

The worst part of it all is that I do not want to be this way. I do not want to live my life swimming through my darkness and trying to stay afloat. I feel like I am constantly on the edge of a cliff and like at any point, I will fall over and just continue to free fall in my black abyss. I am sick of this. Misery loves company too so I am certain that I spread my misery without even noticing it. I often wonder why Victor seems so miserable and I never realized that it could be me making him this way. Its hard to be happy around a negative, downer like I am. I dont even know if he has tried to be happy and I have just stunted him.

I keep writing about how I want to change my life and do things so that I dont end up regretting how I live. How I wanted to make a list of things I wanted to do before I die, how I am gonna start living freely and enjoying my youth. But I have been nothing but an unrealistic, hypocrite because I have done none of these things. I have no list and I am not free. I am holding myself captive in my web of misery. Nobody could set me free but me, but I dont even know the first thing about freedom.

I feel like this is beyond me. Maybe this is not something I can control, maybe this is my fate. But it would kill me to think back and realize that I settled to live life a certain way because I didnt know how to fight back. What if I can tackle this? What if I can actually...be happy? I dont want to die thinking what if's.

I called a therapist at 11pm on Thursday night. I left a message. She called me back and left me a message to call her again to make an appt.

I still have not called.

Title of post is Mayday Parade

Anyone Else But You

When I started this blog, I didnt tell my boyfriend about it. There was no particular reason for this. Im not writing anything that I dont want him to know or that he doesnt already know. I guess I just wanted to have something to myself, but then I realized that I am sharing this with everyone in the world that happens to stumble upon it. So, essentially, its not very personal.

He found out about it a few days ago and I cant tell if he was upset about it or not. I guess he felt I was keeping something from him, which I am not. I debated whether I should let him read it and then I decided that I will. This could be a good way for my boyfriend to understand the things that go through my head. Sometimes its difficult for me to talk about what I feel or what Im thinking. I find its a lot easier to write about it and I always feel better after I do. This could also be a way for me to tell him the things I cannot say to him, to let him know how I really feel about things.
In 4 days, we will make 5 years of being together. They have not been a passive or a perfect 5 years. They have been a tumultous, difficult, stressful, and bipolar set of 5 years but I would do them all over again if they lead to where we are now. I have grown up with him and become the very different person I am now. He has been with me through the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. He has NEVER tried to change me into something I am not. He has always accepted me, never judged me, never made me feel bad about myself, and he has never put me down.
He is my polar opposite who in some ways is too good for me. He has the most genuine and kind heart I have ever encountered. He is understanding and kind. He is passionate about the smallest, unimportant things and the grandest things. He can piss me off but make me smile with a funny face or dance move or word. He is shy, reserved, he mumbles, and is almost anti-social. He is indifferent and insecure but strong and beautiful all at once.
He is troubled, has issues, is both sensitve and angry. He explains things thoroughly and takes forever to get to the point. Sometimes I dont understand him, and neither does he. He is different and so am I. He is not perfect, but neither am I. But in our imperfection, we are both perfect.

And I dont see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

Michael Cera and Ellen Page version from "Juno"