I'll be turning 24 in exactly 24 days. For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm getting old. Next year, I will be 25 years old. That is a whole quarter of a century. I feel like I havent lived yet.
Lately, Victor has been putting pressure on me to agree that in a few years, we will start a family...meaning have a baby. I havent answered him because my answer will break his heart. I dont want kids. I never have and its starting to feel like I never will. I know this is wrong but to me children = the end of my youth and that is something that I am NOT ready to give up yet.
I have been an adult most of my life. I have been responsible and mature since I was about 7 years old. Now is the time that I am starting to feel young. Most days I wake up and I feel like a 16 yr old posing as an almost 24 yr old adult. I feel like this is the time for me to do the things that I didnt get a chance to do before because I was too busy being responsible. I need time to be young and carefree. A baby will take all of this away from me and all I'll do is end up resenting it and living vicariously through others.
My biggest concern, as I have mentioned numerous times before, is living with regret. I dont want to be an old lady who wonders what could have been or who regrets not doing enough. I already feel that way. The difference is that right now I have time to change this feeling, but if I wait any longer, I will not get the chance I have right now. Everyday that goes by, I get older and my opportunity diminishes. Everyday, I hate the fact that it feels like my time is running out. Everyday, it feels like I get closer to the end.
I know that I probably sound like the most selfish, self absorbed, heartless bitch in the world because I would rather live my life than bear a child. But the thing is that this is how I feel. I am being honest with myself and I am more comfortable with the truth than I am with lying about what I feel just so that society doesnt view me as a heartless bitch. People say that this changes with time and maybe it will but right now, I dont have any semblance of a biological clock ticking and telling me its time. I dont have any semblance of motherly instinct. I am not touched by the sight of a newborn nor is my heart fulfilled when I hear child's laughter.
I need to focus on myself and on being happy and living my life. I dont want to think about starting a family or having a baby. Right now, the only thing I need the most of is the thing I feel I am running out of: TIME
I don't think that your being selfish,you feel a certian way about having kids and you are intitled to feel that way. lol and I feel the same way with the whole time thing. I am 23 jobless and I don't have any plan for the rest of my life. Your life does not end by 25 btw ^_~. The most important thing , I think, is to ask yourself "Am I happy" only you know what it's going to take to make you happy.XOXOX
ReplyDeleteI don't think you're being selfish either babe, you'll only have a child if and when you're ready. I will advise you though, from experience, to talk to Victor about this before you go forward with the wedding plans. Oh and I only like Noah, whom I had when I was ready; seeing a newborn does nothing to me either, keep it all in perspective. Love you!
ReplyDeleteDitto what Delilah said.
ReplyDeleteOnly thing though, is that you make it sound like having children would end your life. I look at it this way...it's another opportunity to experience(again or for the first time) the things that you did/do. --Not sure if that explains what I mean...but yeah, I don't know how else to say it--
Oh and thanks for sharing this with us, because you definitely did not have to. <3
Thanks for the encouragement guys. I really have been struggling with this and needed to let it out. :)
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