You is Smart, You is Kind, You is Important

I am growing up. 

A part of me hates this, but a bigger part of me loves it. 

The hate part stems from the fact that responsibilities are never ending and  no one does things for you. You have to take care of yourself, provide for yourself, feed and clothe yourself, etc. And while these things might sound ideal for those teenagers I follow on tumblr, the reality is that it's not always fun. It's scary as fuck and it causes constant worry and stress. The good news is that you get used to it and become independent, but its still scary to think about sometimes. 

The part of me that loves what is happening is the one that is growing into who I am. We go through such a long and painful journey growing up. Our teenage years are filled with so much drama and so much worrying about fitting in and what other people think about us. There is constant insecurity and we are always trying to live up to other people's expectations. The best thing about growing up is that those things no longer matter. You don't have time to worry about what anyone thinks about you. There is a certain confidence that comes with age. That is why the elderly don't give a shit about what people think of them and go about doing what they want. 

It's hard thing to describe, but there comes a point in your life where you notice that it is okay to not be okay. It's okay to not agree with everyone, to not wear the latest trends or give into the latest obsessions or watch the most popular shows or movies. It's okay to like shitty music and read shitty books and eat shitty food.  There is something special about those people who just live their lives they way they want to, not the way society says they should. Of course, there is nothing wrong with following the crowd, if that is who you really are. There is no right or wrong answer on how to be yourself, as long as you are your true self. 

The title of this post is from one of my favorite movies, called "The Help," where one of the black maids raising a little, chubby white girl who didnt get her mother's attention because she was not what society would describe as perfect, would say this to the little girl every day. Then she would make the little girl repeat it back to her and I cant even begin to tell you the significance of that. Thinking, saying, or  feeling that you are smart, kind and important is the difference between a strong, confident person and a weak, insecure one. 

If only we all had that one person in our lives that told us this constantly and made us believe it. Sadly, most of us don't and most of us figure this out on our own, though it may take years upon years. It may take tragedy, a breakdown, and a disaster but at some point when we are able to rise up from the ashes, we rise up not only knowing those things, but actually believing them.

That is what growing up is.

That is what growing up has been for me. 

And that has been the most liberating and most rewarding feeling I have ever experienced. 

We Remember Moments

Life has been...well, life. I have been feeling good. I have been okay. I'm slowly getting there. The weather is getting better and that has helped me dramatically because the amount of sunlight and warmth there is outside is directly related to the amount of sunlight and warmth I feel inside myself.

I've been enjoying myself. Going to happy hour with co-workers, having lunch with friends, spending time with the triplets, having conversations with my husband (still not used to calling him that,) shopping for random things, playing with my new iPhone, discovering new music, going to concerts (Andrew McMahon, I worship the ground you walk on,) watching less TV, reading more, spending countless hours on tumblr,  searching for a new TV show to obsess over, eating peaches and plums, discovering new uses for coconut oil, decorating a friends new apartment, training for the Color Run,  and just generally taking it easy. I cant wait for summer because this is gonna be one that I'll remember...I just know it.

If I May Just Take Your Breath Away

The older I get, the more I accept myself as I am and for who I am. I dont know if times are changing or if I am just really becoming an adult, but I am really starting to not care about what other people think of me. I actually like myself...sometimes. I have many, many flaws and I am by no means perfect in any way, but I am not ashamed to be me. I am proud to be me, I accept me and I dont care if nobody else does.

It's crazy because I feel that I have always been me no matter what, but in the past I have worried about how I was being perceived. Now, I really cant even stress it. I know who I am: I am obsessive, quite selfish, contradicting, confusing, reserved, young minded, uptight and sometimes dramatic. But at the same time I am also loyal, strong, independent, responsible, creative, amicable, open and sometimes fun. I see both sides of myself and I dont need anybody to point out my flaws or my good qualities.

As I sit here sipping coffee out of my Vampire Diaries (Team Stefan) mug and listening to the Taylor Swift "Red" album, while wearing polka dot pajamas and looking forward to reading the next John Greene novel, I don't feel ashamed about anything. I have a pretty damn awesome life and I plan on enjoying it.



Title of post is from "Sweater Weather" by The Neighbourhood, which I LOVE LOVE LOVE

This Year

There is a new year coming and I am feeling optimistic. I feel like this is going to be the year where I make the changes in my life that will lead me to being happy. This is the year where I hope to start the rest of my life.

I plan on paying off all my debt and starting fresh for 2014. I plan on traveling, finally losing those last 20lbs, cooking more, eating healthier, getting a new job, saving money, having fun, and just living. I want this to be the year where I look back and pinpoint it as the start of when things got good. I want to work on having a good and healthy marriage. I want to have fun.

I will try to stay this positive throughout and we will see where this positivity will take me.

Ivory Lines Lead...

What I have been feeling as of late is a rare thing, for me at least. I feel light as air..the way whipped egg whites that have peaked would feel. The way chocolate mousse feels. The way the foam at the top of my mocha latte at Starbucks feels. The way a light summer breeze that gently sways dandelion bits feels. The way dust particles floating in the sunlight feel.

I never knew that letting go of a mental burden would manifest itself physically, but it has...and it feels so FREE.

Title Post is "Lightness" by Death Cab for Cutie

But I Will Hold on Hope

I feel light today

Light like a floaty in a ray of sunshine that pours past the curtains.

I feel good...like really good.

Euphoric

Things are making sense and falling into place

I have never felt this way before but this is a feeling that I do not want to let go of.

I can attribute my feeling to several things that have happened recently:

1. I learned how to say no without feeling bad about it or regretting it

2. I learned, and am still learning, how to set boundaries

3. I learned how to get myself back from the mess I lost myself in

4. I learned to empathize

5. I learned how to see things from another point of view

6. I learned that the person I have spent the last 6 years of my life with truly loves me, especially during the times when I havent loved myself.

Knowing this has truly warmed my heart

I have taken several steps to get to this feeling but I never expected it to be so grand. My journey is far from over but is already worth it. There is no doubt in my mind that I will continue digging deep within myself, confronting myself, challenging myself and accepting myself as I have been doing recently.

I think this is the closet to freedom that I have ever been

Title of post is from "The Cave" by Mumford and Sons

Operation Beautiful

As I have mentioned before, with this new year, I have started a process of re-creating myself. I am doing everything I can to be healthy in every possible way. I was directed to a great site by someone very special to me who is also embarking on a journey to being healthy and I want to pass along this info.

The website is called Operation Beautiful and here is the mission:

The goal of the Operation Beautiful website is to end negative self-talk or “Fat Talk.” If this little blog only does one productive thing, I hope it helps readers realize how truly toxic negative self-talk is — it hurts you emotionally, spiritually, and physically

So basically what they do is that women all over the world leave post it notes with positive messages in random places for other people to find. It is a way to reinforce positive thinking. Although we might not think highly of ourselves, there are others out there that do. Sometimes all we need is a little reassurance or just a random act of kindness to give us the strenght to keep going.

I love this idea and I will definitely be participating in it. I plan on carrying a small pack of post it notes and just leaving them wherever someone would least expect to find a message.

Here are some of the messages I plan to leave:

Journey

Then I am neither free, nor happy but I am willing to do whatever it takes to get there...

pic is from twentythree :

Then I Guess I'll Just Begin Again

I m super duper exhausted today. I only slept about 3 hrs last night and cant keep my eyes open. Work is a little slow right now so I have no motivation to do anything, on top of the fact that I have a massive migraine.

I have so much going through my head right now but I find it very hard to articulate, so I wont. There are things going on in my family that I have been struggling with for months. Once I sort my feelings out and come to terms with them, I will share. Though it is personal, my blog is a way for me to track what I go through from time to time. I have looked back on several posts and realize many things that I would never remember had I not posted it.

In other news, I am really excited about a big change that I am making in my life. I have decided to start a "lifestyle" change and eliminate all unhealthy, processed, fattening foods from my life. I have also decided to start a workout regimen and found a work out buddy who is just as serious as I am.

This change will be very difficult and I know that I will have minimal support. For some reason, when people find out that I am only eating healthy, they delibaretly try to sabotage my plan. They think that because I am not "obese" that I should eat what I want. They dont understand that I am unhappy with the way I look, and although I am not obese, I certainly am not thin. Eating what I want is what has made me unhappy and I am trying to do something about it.

I am more determined than ever to do this for good. I have already started making changes and I have also decided to start a "Weight Loss Blog" as well. At first, I was going to make it private but I decided not to anymore. I think that there are many people in my exact same predicament who might just need to see someone just like them making a big change. Also, it will motivate me more because I know that people might come across the blog and would like to see results.

I'll post more information when I get everything set up. It feels good to have something to look forward to. A goal to attain. A reason to wake up in the morning. Every so often, I wake up happy to be alive. I really should cherish those moments more often.

Happy Holidays

Title of post is from "Ready to Start" by Arcade Fire

And I Wont Be Denied By You...

"Animal" by Neon Trees. This song makes me so freaking happy, it's not even funny. Every time I hear it, I just wanna dance around aimlessly with a big grin on my face. I absolutely love it! And I just love this video. It's pretty clever, in my opinion. Can't wait to hear more from this band. Am I the only one that feels this way about this song? Check it out:

Words They Come and Memories All Repeat

This is my 100th post since I started this little blog almost a year ago. I dont know if that is a lot or not enough but I guess it doesnt matter because I dont post things for anyone in particular. This blog was created for myself so that I can have a place to keep my thoughts organized and so that I can go back to a certain time and see what I was going through and who I was at that moment. I am glad I started this because I really have an insight of how my year has gone so far. This has been a great way to analyze myself, more than I already do.

Since it is my 100th post, I will keep things positive and I have a small recap. I have been slightly better. I am no longer drowning in my darkness. It looks like the change I thought was going to happen in my life, will not and I am glad to have that piece of consistency at the moment. I dont think I was ready to give it up like I had convinced myself.

I also got my car back Monday night which is a huge part of me feeling better. I no longer feel so trapped...even though the only place I have been driving is to and from work. I guess the fact that I dont have to depend on a train schedule any more is what makes me feel better. My car looks good and is running just the same. I didnt end up paying the $500 cash because the mechanic that fixed it knows my father and he said it was ok to just give him the insurance money. The repairs totaled $4,165 including my $500, so the mechanic got $3,665 altogether.

Another reason I am feeling better is because the weather has finally cooled down. Eventhough its been raining every day, the days that are sunny are truly spectacular. As I have said many times, this is my favorite time of year. I was ready for summer to end. I am sorrounding myself in pumpkin, cinnamon and spice for the next few months.

Lastly, I have a lot to be thankful for. My apartment is clean, my fridge is full, my hair has been extra soft lately, my family is all healthy, I have a list of new bands to check out, I gave love another chance, and somehow in the midst of all my darkness, I always ALWAYS end up swimming again.

Title of Post is "The Background" by Third Eye Blind-so fitting for me right now

Seasons

I am so excited that it is September 1st today. Yes, time has flown by at alarming speed but I am excited because September means that it is almost Autumn!

I love this time of year passionately. It's not too warm (although its been over 90 degrees lately) but its not too cold. There is just a clean, crisp chill in the air. Perfect to have some hot chocolate or some apple cider or warm pumpkin spice coffee. I love the colors associated with Autumn-the bright burnt oranges and reds and the browns and dark yellows. I love the smells associated with this season-the pumpkin, nutmeg, cinnamon, hazelnut, etc. I absolutely love it!!!

I wish I could find a place where it was permanently fall. I think that would make me really happy. Since Fall only lasts like 2 months, I am going to take advantage of it this year. Here are 10 things I plan to do:

1. Take more walks

2. Take pictures of the trees and leave colors

3. Collect twigs and leaves and make something out of it

4. Drink lots of any warm liquid that is pumpkin flavored

5. Infuse my home with autumn smells

6. Make pumpkin bread and sweet potatoe pies

7. Go to Farmers Markets

8. Go apple picking

9. Go row boating in Central Park

10. Rake a pile of leaves and then jump in

I guess that's all I have for now. If anyone else has any other activities, I'd love to hear them.

The Road Turned Into A Snake...

Envy on the Coast had their last performance as a band today, Sunday 8.29.10. The show was pretty incredible. They were so energetic and I am sitting here at 3:45am unable to sleep because I still have adrenaline coursing through my body. It was an amazing farewell show and I will only have good memories of this band. I have seen them perform 3 times and they never disappointed so I am really sad that they no longer exist.

The band has decided to break up because 2 of the members are "not happy" in the band. I am not sure what that means but I guess its serious enough that they were willing to break up a union. At first, I felt that those members were selfish and inconsiderate. They did not consider how their decision would affect the other members or how it would affect their future.

Then, I realized that they are not selfish at all. These guys are brave. They did something that many, many people fail to ever do. They were unhappy and they did something about it. They risked everything they worked for and risked their musical careers, as well as the band's career, because they would rather have real, genuine happiness. They know what makes them happy and they were able to identify that music was not it.

I have to respect them for this decision. Many people would have just kept going and been miserable for God knows how long. They would never have the courage to make a decision that causes major, major changes in their lives. I would be one of those people that just goes on living and dealing with my misery. I have done this my whole life. I cant help but wonder how they got to the point in their lives when they were comfortable enough to put themselves and their happiness first. I wonder when they realized what it takes to truly make them happy.

I, on the other hand, am so clueless. I have no idea what makes me happy. I have no idea what I want to gain out of life. I have no idea what my purpose for existing is. I have my shit altogether, but I have never been so lost and I dont even know where to begin to find my way on this road to "happiness..."

Sweet Dreams

I have been in such a hormonal and self deprecating mood this past week. It's utterly pathetic and I hate myself for hating myself. Its a vicious cycle that traps me every month when its almost time for my "monthly visitor." What is the point of menstruating if one has no desire to procreate?

Anyways, I have also been hating my job more and more each day. I dream of other things I could be doing. All things that involve courage and money...and I dont seem to have either of these things. One of the things I dream about, while at my boring job, is to run a cupcake shop. I would be immersed in the smell of sugary sweetness all day. I would wake up early and bake batches of dozens of cupcakes and I would top them all with cool frosting colors and little decorations. I would make cupcake cakes for people who order them and I would test out different cupcake/frosting combinations daily.

The venue where I would run this cupcake shop will be this little rundown place that I gut and remodel from scratch. It would be cool and funky, yet elegant and modern all at once. I would want to do be located in a small town where they have never heard of such a thing as a cupcake shop. I would know all my customer by name and they would stop in on Sunday afternoons for a treat. I would make cupcake cakes for every occassion in town and then I would eventually add other features to my shop, like cakes, cookies, and drinks such as hot chocolate with cinnamon sticks and whipped cream and peach sweet tea with mint leaves.

And then reality smacks me in the face and I realize how pathetically unrealistic I am being. All these dreams are, were, and always will be just that: DREAMS. But would it be wrong of me to hope?

This Is Who I Really Am Inside

I'll be turning 24 in exactly 24 days. For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm getting old. Next year, I will be 25 years old. That is a whole quarter of a century. I feel like I havent lived yet.

Lately, Victor has been putting pressure on me to agree that in a few years, we will start a family...meaning have a baby. I havent answered him because my answer will break his heart. I dont want kids. I never have and its starting to feel like I never will. I know this is wrong but to me children = the end of my youth and that is something that I am NOT ready to give up yet.

I have been an adult most of my life. I have been responsible and mature since I was about 7 years old. Now is the time that I am starting to feel young. Most days I wake up and I feel like a 16 yr old posing as an almost 24 yr old adult. I feel like this is the time for me to do the things that I didnt get a chance to do before because I was too busy being responsible. I need time to be young and carefree. A baby will take all of this away from me and all I'll do is end up resenting it and living vicariously through others.

My biggest concern, as I have mentioned numerous times before, is living with regret. I dont want to be an old lady who wonders what could have been or who regrets not doing enough. I already feel that way. The difference is that right now I have time to change this feeling, but if I wait any longer, I will not get the chance I have right now. Everyday that goes by, I get older and my opportunity diminishes. Everyday, I hate the fact that it feels like my time is running out. Everyday, it feels like I get closer to the end.

I know that I probably sound like the most selfish, self absorbed, heartless bitch in the world because I would rather live my life than bear a child. But the thing is that this is how I feel. I am being honest with myself and I am more comfortable with the truth than I am with lying about what I feel just so that society doesnt view me as a heartless bitch. People say that this changes with time and maybe it will but right now, I dont have any semblance of a biological clock ticking and telling me its time. I dont have any semblance of motherly instinct. I am not touched by the sight of a newborn nor is my heart fulfilled when I hear child's laughter.

I need to focus on myself and on being happy and living my life. I dont want to think about starting a family or having a baby. Right now, the only thing I need the most of is the thing I feel I am running out of: TIME

Changes

So I have been on this diet for the past 18 days. I still have 10 more days to go. I dont know what the name of it is but the name I have given it is "The Starvation Diet" because I feel like I am literally starving lol. The point of the diet is to train your stomach to feel full on smaller amounts of food. All I've been eating for the past 18 days is lettuce, fruits, grilled chicken, cucumbers, etc. I havent had a carb in my body for a while (the diet did allow one slice of bread on the third and fifth day.)

As much as I feel like I have been suffering, I do think that my stomach is definitely used to eating a lot less now. I get fuller from eating just some grilled chicken and some steamed veggies. I am also drinking more water and eating a lot more fresh foods than I did in the past. I made a few adjustments to the diet as I've gone along. For example, some days require me to only eat fruit or vegetables for dinner. I'm sorry but I am not a rabbit so those days I add some grilled chicken to dinner. I have also added one tablespoon of low fat peanut butter the other day because my body was craving a fat. I figured peanut butter is a healthy fat.

And lets not get into cravings. All I think about is chocolate chip cookies, pizza, a juicy burger, moist brownies, garlic bread, french fries, etc. I have definitely learned to appreciate food in a different way. The crazy thing is that I have also been craving mangoes and other fruit that have too much natural sugar for me to eat during the diet. I never thought I would crave fruit. The other day, I was so excited that I was gonna eat okra for lunch. Yeah, okra...

After all this pain and suffering I am going through, you better believe that my eating habits have changed. I do NOT ever want to re-train my stomach ever again. I have learned so much so far. I no longer feel like food is my life and I am now eating to survive and because my body asks for it, not because my mind tells me it needs food. Also, this diet is definitely teaching me that I have more self control than I thought. Before, I would tell myself that there was no way I could resist a chocolate chip cookie and yet, I was able to bake chocolate chip cookies for Victor and I didnt eat a single one. In my eyes, that was a HUGE accomplishment. I mean who can resist home made chocolate chip cookies?

Oh and I've lost about 15lbs too! Guess thats also an accomplishment :)

An Ode to Las Vegas

So I recently came back from Vegas (on the 26th) and had a great time as expected. This was my second time going and it was just as awesome as I remembered it. There is always lots to do and its just a beautiful city.

So to briefly recap, I went with Victor this time-just the two of us. We stayed at Excalibur for the 5 days we were there. It's the hotel that literally looks like a castle and its located on the south end of the Las Vegas Strip. This is what the hotel looked like at night:

This was a kid friendly hotel so there were a bunch of kids all over the place (i dont understand why parents would bring kids to Vegas) but I didnt let it get to me. We spent most of the day sitting by the pool tanning and swimming. It was about 115 degrees everyday and that's just too hot to walk around in. We ended up getting so tan we looked burnt. The sun feels like its literally next to you, so I wasnt surprised we tanned so much.

After we would hang out by the pool all day we would go walk the strip in the evening. We pretty much went to all the hotels on the strip and caught pretty much every free show available-like the fountains at the Bellagio, the Sirens of TI at Treasure Island, the Volcano Explosion at the Mirage, the shows at Circus Circus, etc. They were all a lot of fun.

We also went to Fremont Street, which is what they call the "Old Las Vegas." This is where the original Las Vegas strip started. The atmosphere was great. People just walking around drinking and enjoying the free concerts they had that night. Also, practically the whole street is under a dome that has huge TV screens as the ceiling (see pic below.) We took public transportation to get there,which was fun. We ended up taking the bus to go everywhere, even the Las Vegas Outlet Center, a mall, that is the last stop on the bus going south. We bought souveneirs there and just walked around.

Another cool thing we did was see the Bodies Exhibit at the Luxor Hotel. It was located right next to Exacalibur and we could see it from our hotel room window. Luxor is shaped like a pyramid and it has a blue light that shoots up into the sky at night. Its really nice on the inside too. We did catch a show at the Monte Carlo. It was the Lance Burton magic show, which I must admit, was awesome. Im usually not fooled by "magic tricks" but some of the things in the show left me wondering how the hell he pulled it off.

We went to one nightclub/bar in hotel New York New York but it wasnt really our kind of atmosphere and it was so expensive to get in. We were running low on money by then and decided that next time we go to Vegas, we will try to get into one of the fancy, celebrity nightclubs. They usually only let in groups of skinny girls dressed like skanks but we are gonna give it a try. This is the view from the south part of the strip looking to the North. It is amazing to look at when the sun goes down and the temperature is bearable. New York New York is located right behind the Statue of Liberty imitation.

Lastly, one of the most exciting things that happened while in Vegas was that Vic proposed to me. He did it officially-getting down on one knee with a ring. We were in a resort lobby with a bunch of strangers, looking to get a timeshare (we got to the hotel too early to check in and had to waste a few hours and they offered us free tickets to Lance Burton). In the middle of introductions, Victor gets up and starts to say that everyone in the room is so nice and that he feels its the right moment to do this. I had NO IDEA what he was talking about. He then goes on to say that he didnt have enough money to get a ring until now, and I'm like "what the hell is he doing?" It still hadnt hit me...

So he gets down on one knee infront of all these strangers and he asks me to marry him. At this point, I am in so much shock that I nod yes and the crowd goes wild with cheers and claps. I was furiously blushing from embarassment of being the center of attention and the surprise of it all. It was like a scene right out of a movie and something I'll never forget. The ring is absolutely beautiful and it has "me" written all over it. Its simple, elegant and just perfect.

To conclude, I had a great time in Vegas. I got to relax, tan and do some sightseeing. We saw some great shows, ate a lot of good food and got engaged. I came back happier than I've felt in a while and thats a big deal for me, so thanks Vegas :)

Day 29- Hopes, Dreams, and Plans for the Rest of the Year

This is a very good question. I never know what to say when people ask what my hopes and dreams are. Especially when people ask where I see myself in 5 years. I dont know why, but that question is so difficult for me.

I have no clue what I want to accomplish the rest of the year. I havent planned this out, but I guess now would be the time. I guess I'll make a list again...that seems to work for me

Hopes and Dreams for 2010

-actually learn to play the piano...maybe take piano lessons

-purchase my apartment and remodel the kitchen and bathroom

-finish paying off my credit cards

-save some money

-do something cool to my boring ass hair

-lose weight and get healthy

-learn to love salad just as much as I love chocolate cake

-continue to find great music that inspires and makes me feel good

-go to Vegas and to a caribbean island that is NOT Dominican Republic

-go back to school and get my masters (this might have to be for 2011..or 2012...or 2013 lol)

-go to more live shows (so far I wanna go see Kings of Leon again, Lady Gaga, and Muse!!)

-maybe get married....MAYBE

-figure out what I was meant to do with my life

-find what it is that will make me happy

-start to actually live my life

Day 21- A Recipe

I am making brownies today because I am having my landlord over for dinner. I will be using a recipe I found on Sugar Plum-another blog. The blogger provides lots of different recipes that she creates or that she tries. I have made the Chocolate Cheesecake Filled Cupcakes before and they were sooo good.

Today I am making Chewy Fudge Brownies.

***UPDATE***: Here are the pics. I sprinkled some walnuts on top. They came out chewy and delicious!

There Will Be An Answer, Let It Be

The sun always makes its way back into my life, no matter how dark it may seem.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what keeps me going.

Maybe one day, my world will not seem so gray.

Maybe one day, it will be bright.

Permanently....

Title of post is"Let It Be" by The Beatles