Doubts Are All I've Got To Call Mine...

Life has been pretty consistent lately. All the usuals: slaving at work, starting a "diet" every week, family arguements, spending money i dont have, drinking, putting off laundry and dishes, making shitty meals, lamenting my career choice, Family Guy, Lifetime weekends, and it goes on and on....

I am thinking about joining a kickboxing class that they offer in some health center 1o minutes from where I live. Right now they are offering 3 sessions for $20. I guess you can decide if you want to join after that. I'm nervous about this.

First, I dont know how much the total price will be. Second, I dont have the courage to do this class by myself. I am utterly embarrassed and ashamed. What if I am too fat to keep up and end up passing out? I wont know anybody that can buffer my insecurities. Lastly, will I have the energy to go to these classes? They are 1 hr sessions and there are classes offered 6 times a week. I was thinking about going 2 to 3 times a week, but work takes so much out of me. It is very difficult to work an entire day at a job that you hate and makes you miserable. Misery requires a lot of energy, you know.

I guess I have to find some sort of inner motivation deep, DEEP within myself. I just saw a picture of myself on Facebook that a friend of mine tagged me in. It is a very recent pic of me, taken last Sat 10/16/2010. You cant really see any of my body, just my chest and some of my arms but I look horrifying. I look swollen and pregnant and like a massive, ginormous killer whale that breeded with an elephant on steroids whose children then breeded with an extra,large hippo that had an affair with the mother of all cows and conceived an illegitimate bastard combination child with terrible genes and that was destined to be obese no matter what they did. Yes, I look that bad...

The thing that kills me...absolutely kills me...is that I thought I looked good that night. I actually thought I looked pretty and that I had succeeded in looking like I know how to apply makeup and like my outfit was somewhat fashionable and I had matching accessories. I even attempted to give my hair some life by curling the ends. It just resulted in me looking like a fat wannabe with a bad makeup job and flat hair. I walked around with confidence that night, thinking I was turning heads and shit, but boy was I wrong. I was so embarrassed my heart sank when I saw these pictures and I wanted to cry.

I know there are people that are gonna tell me that I looked great and blah blah blah but nothing anybody can say will change my mind. It's great if others view me a certain way, but that doesnt make a difference to me because that is not the way I view myself. I am just so sick of being disappointed in the way I look.

I am sick and tired of being unhappy in every way. I am just so lost. I dont know where to turn or what to do. The only way I see myself being happy is if I never look at another mirror or ever allow myself to think every again. Clearly, neither is possible so I need a sign or some guidance or something, ANYTHING to make me see the light.


Title of post is from "Duality" by Bayside

Sweet Dreams

I have been in such a hormonal and self deprecating mood this past week. It's utterly pathetic and I hate myself for hating myself. Its a vicious cycle that traps me every month when its almost time for my "monthly visitor." What is the point of menstruating if one has no desire to procreate?

Anyways, I have also been hating my job more and more each day. I dream of other things I could be doing. All things that involve courage and money...and I dont seem to have either of these things. One of the things I dream about, while at my boring job, is to run a cupcake shop. I would be immersed in the smell of sugary sweetness all day. I would wake up early and bake batches of dozens of cupcakes and I would top them all with cool frosting colors and little decorations. I would make cupcake cakes for people who order them and I would test out different cupcake/frosting combinations daily.

The venue where I would run this cupcake shop will be this little rundown place that I gut and remodel from scratch. It would be cool and funky, yet elegant and modern all at once. I would want to do be located in a small town where they have never heard of such a thing as a cupcake shop. I would know all my customer by name and they would stop in on Sunday afternoons for a treat. I would make cupcake cakes for every occassion in town and then I would eventually add other features to my shop, like cakes, cookies, and drinks such as hot chocolate with cinnamon sticks and whipped cream and peach sweet tea with mint leaves.

And then reality smacks me in the face and I realize how pathetically unrealistic I am being. All these dreams are, were, and always will be just that: DREAMS. But would it be wrong of me to hope?

Day 30- A Photo of Your Outfit Today

Ill post the pics at a later time since I dont have the necessary resources with me right now. For now, I can describe it.

Today I am wearing a dark gray short sleeve cardigan with a white tank top with yellow and gray circles on it. I have black slacks and some gray peep-toe wedges. Obviously, Im at work :)

Ta ta!

A Much Needed Change

Today I got good news at work. I was told that I would be changing departments and would be going to the department next to me starting April 15th. NOTHING could excite me more than this news.

I was ready for a change. I have been in my same department for almost 2 years and I needed to do something new and different. My current desk stresses me the fuck out...to say the least. It involves a certain contract that makes me pull my hair out because its so complicated and volatile. This contract is the reason why I break out like a teenage boy in heat.

I will be leaving this contract and other headache inducing aspects of my desk to the next sucker and I wont have to deal with them any longer. My new desk is completely different and I will be working with a smaller number of contracts so I will be able to go more in detail. Most importantly, its just a new set of procedures, new finance people, new co-workers, new boss....and I needed this change badly. Also, I was told that this move will make a promotion easier if I prove myself...which I have every intention of doing.

This news is just so refreshing, I feel so excited about this. I know this new job wont be easy and it wont be a walk in the park but Im ready to do something different and Im glad Im getting the opportunity to do so.

Let's Drink To Memories We Shared

Ive been slaving at work the whole week and tonight I decided Im gonna have a few drinks. This damn job is stressing to the point of giving me acne. I used to have such a clear, pimple free face and now I break out like a teenager that just hit puberty. I also probably look like I'm verging on 30 instead of 24. Damn, I need a vacation.

We are thinking about taking a trip to Costa Rica. I need to make sure I'm in shape. I've neglected the gym this week since work has drained every ounce of my energy and I've had trouble sleeping EVERY night this week. So I guess I'll be hitting the gym this weekend to make up for lost days. I have until June to get into some sort of shape that is not a circle.

I also have to control this mouth. This week has been a terrible eating week. The stress makes me hormonal and all I've wanted to do is eat sweets. I mean just today I had about 8 munchkins during a department meeting.

I totally need a drink tonight....


Title of post is lyric from "One Man Drinking Games" by Mayday Parade (back when they made good music)

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole

First post of the new year. Ive been slaving at work. For those of you who are financially saavy, we have been reconciling our accounts for the entire year so that we can get release our 2009 earnings to our shareholders. In laymans terms this means: they have been slaving us so that we can tell people who invest in our company how much money we made in 2009.

I dont know if I am overworked and just exhausted, but I feel sad. This happens to me often. I will be just fine and all of a sudden, Im in a "mood." I have no control over it and I often dont realize its happening until I feel the way I feel today.

Let me attempt to put it into words. I feel like I am bored but I have too many things to do at once. I feel hopeless, nostalgic, spaced out, stressed, and just plain sad. It becomes difficult for me to move, to understand what people are saying and to even want to stay awake. Its so hard to make sense of this feeling because most times I have no reason to feel this way and because it just comes and goes at it pleases. I am no fool, I know that my symptoms can be googled and that it would result in some sort of mild depression, but I would rather not go there.

This reminds me of a lyric in "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot" by Brand New. It goes:

"A crown of gold; a heart thats harder than stone
It hurts a whole lot, but its missed when its gone"

Sometimes, for some reason, people like to feel pain and they like to feel sad. I remember feeling that way a long time ago. Thinking that I wanted to feel a little sad and just have a good cry. I guess its because to me pain and sadness has always been more familiar than happiness. That was before I knew what it was like to actually feel genuine, unexplained sadness. I have been depressed. I have known what its like to feel completely hopeless, to feel like you are spiraling downward in a bottomless, black hole. I have known what its like to make the effort to just get up and shower or to eat or to even take the next breath. I have known what its like to want to feel good...to feel normal and happy but not finding the effort to do so anywhere within your whole universe.

I have been there before....

And although pain is more familiar than happiness, I will NEVER go back there again. So I guess I will just continue to deal with my little "episodes" and my temporary periods of sadness because I dont ever want to be that person I was. I dont ever want to feel the way I once felt. And though that person I was may linger within me, to me she no longer exists.

She is merely a ghost of who I used to be...and of who I will never be