I'm So Tired, I Can't Even Cry

It is amazing what the human body is capable of. I never thought that I could do so many things with my body without it snapping or breaking in half. I have been working with a personal trainer up to three times a week for the past 4 weeks and every workout session, I surprise myself with what I am capable of doing. Every time I think I cant lift another pound or move another inch, I push through it and end up doing way more than I mentally thought I would be able to.

It is hard to understand how incredibly simple it is to just do it. Even if you think you cant, you literally just push the weight and do it. If you think your arms are gonna fall off, keep going. If your legs are jelly, just run a little more and you will be stunned at how much more you can do.Your body really does stay together and recover. If only life were this simple too...

In other news, I've been listening to this song non-stop. I can really relate right now...plus I still miss Amy. Her label and family are releasing a new album with some demos and unfinished songs she was working on before she passed. Definitely looking forward to it.

Here is "What It Is" by Amy Winehouse

Day 20- A Hobby of Yours

I often wonder what it is I spend my time doing when I am outside of work. Many times a whole week goes by and I have absolutely nothing to show for that week. I always end up feeling like time is passing me by so quickly.

I have a few things I do that would qualify as hobbies:
-Reading
-Watching movies
-Music, music, music
-Window Shopping
-Eating--this is a hobby right?
-Softball

Softball is a new hobby of mine that I just started last week. I am not athletic by any means but I actually enjoy playing softball. It is a hell of a workout and I am still sore from a game this last Thursday. I am bruised and battered but it feels good to know that I got my bruises by being active. Im really excited to continue this hobby and maybe even venture out to other sports.

***UPDATE***: Pics of my battle scars

I Hope I Dont Overdose On Empty Promises

I have been an insecure little sensitive fucker lately. Ive been feeling really self conscious about the way I look. I have come to accept that my prime was in my teenage years where I was thin and had a small waist. I am motivated to get back into shape and to tone up though, dont get me wrong. Its just that my self-esteem has taken a big hit over the years.

Thats not to say that I was conceited or thought very highly of myself when I actually did look good. I wish I would have appreciated the way I looked back then instead of constantly complaining about it like I did. I know that physically I can look the way I want to look if I continue to stay motivated but I dont think I can get there mentally.

I am a realistic person. I prefer truth over lies and I try not to deny myself what the truth is. So in realities of all realities, I know I am no beauty queen. And Im not saying this to put myself down or to get pity votes or anything like that. Its just the truth. There are plenty of better looking people out there and I accept that. On the other hand, I also know that I am not an ugly duckling. I guess I would just be average. Mediocre...

I also dont really make much of an effort to look good. I dont wear any makeup at all. I dont really wear any accessories. I wear my hair the same all the time. My clothes are just blah...I try to keep everything prim and proper but who the hell am I kidding? And I dont really have the personality that makes me better looking like a lot of people have. Im a miserable person and I frown a lot, so I think that my mediocre rating is fair. I am okay with it and I know that maybe if I made more of an effort, I could raise my rating but I guess I dont care enough.

Like I said, I am okay with my rating but sometimes certain things happen where I am reminded of what I look like in reality vs what I look like in my head. Thats when all my insecurities come out and when I become vulnerable. Three really stupid things happened to me this week that made me feel like maybe I am below average. I am so mad at myself for letting them get to me but I guess I cant help what I feel hence Im being a sensitive shit right now.

Ive never been one to need validation from other people but I guess that its a human trait to get reassurance from others sometimes. And its been a while since I got reassurance. Ugh I sound like a fucking needy loser and I hate that. So Im gonna shake off this little PMS induced sob story going on in my overactive head, straighten my back, stick my chest out and keep my chin up. I guess I just needed to write out what I was feeling and then read it back to myself to realize how incredibly ridiculous I am being right now.

Im gonna go eat a cupcake....

Title of post is lyric from "Emergency" by I Am The Avalanche

Well I Guess It Just Suggests That This is Just What Happiness Is

I feel like doing something crazy. I have all this pent up anxiety/energy and I am compelled to do something out of the ordinary, only my ordinary brain has no clue what that could be.

My happiness was short lived and I'm back to my usual misery, although I do feel content and I am in a pretty good mood despite feeling like I am going to explode with anxiousness. I wish I could just go into the middle of a field and just yell at the top of my lungs for no good reason. Or maybe climb up a mountain and just stare into the horizon for an undetermined amount of time. Or drive accross the United States with no real purpose or direction.

I dont know what the hell is wrong with me

Usually, all I want to do is lay down and lose consciousness until the next day comes, but right now I feel like doing activities. The last thing I want to do is sit in my chair infront of this computer all day long. Im attributing my new found attitude to the fact that I have been consistently working out for the past 3 weeks. Maybe its true what they say...that exercising gives you more energy and you just generally feel better. Maybe all this exercise has started a flow of dopamine and endorphins in my brain, which had stopped due to my lack of activity.

Im gonna be proactive today. I have a shit load of things that I constantly put off (like making a doctors appt, requesting a new insurance card, canceling unused credit cards, etc) that I think I am going to do today. Then I'll head to the gym after work. Sadly or fortunately, depends on how you look at it, these little things actually bring me joy.


Title post is lyric from "Beautiful Mess" by Jason Mraz. LOVE LOVE LOVE this song

Let's Drink To Memories We Shared

Ive been slaving at work the whole week and tonight I decided Im gonna have a few drinks. This damn job is stressing to the point of giving me acne. I used to have such a clear, pimple free face and now I break out like a teenager that just hit puberty. I also probably look like I'm verging on 30 instead of 24. Damn, I need a vacation.

We are thinking about taking a trip to Costa Rica. I need to make sure I'm in shape. I've neglected the gym this week since work has drained every ounce of my energy and I've had trouble sleeping EVERY night this week. So I guess I'll be hitting the gym this weekend to make up for lost days. I have until June to get into some sort of shape that is not a circle.

I also have to control this mouth. This week has been a terrible eating week. The stress makes me hormonal and all I've wanted to do is eat sweets. I mean just today I had about 8 munchkins during a department meeting.

I totally need a drink tonight....


Title of post is lyric from "One Man Drinking Games" by Mayday Parade (back when they made good music)