Day 29- Hopes, Dreams, and Plans for the Rest of the Year

This is a very good question. I never know what to say when people ask what my hopes and dreams are. Especially when people ask where I see myself in 5 years. I dont know why, but that question is so difficult for me.

I have no clue what I want to accomplish the rest of the year. I havent planned this out, but I guess now would be the time. I guess I'll make a list again...that seems to work for me

Hopes and Dreams for 2010

-actually learn to play the piano...maybe take piano lessons

-purchase my apartment and remodel the kitchen and bathroom

-finish paying off my credit cards

-save some money

-do something cool to my boring ass hair

-lose weight and get healthy

-learn to love salad just as much as I love chocolate cake

-continue to find great music that inspires and makes me feel good

-go to Vegas and to a caribbean island that is NOT Dominican Republic

-go back to school and get my masters (this might have to be for 2011..or 2012...or 2013 lol)

-go to more live shows (so far I wanna go see Kings of Leon again, Lady Gaga, and Muse!!)

-maybe get married....MAYBE

-figure out what I was meant to do with my life

-find what it is that will make me happy

-start to actually live my life

Are Your Thoughts Results of Static Cling?

I barely ever dream...ever. But sometimes I'll wake up and I'll have the most ridiculous thoughts in my head,which leads me to beleive that I did dream but I just dont remember anything. Well this morning on the verge of regaining consciousness I had a very long and detailed dream. It involved some people I havent seen in a very long time. I was very close to these people but because I am a terrible friend, I havent kept in touch with them. Was this a sign? Maybe I'll give them a call

On another note, I have been obsessed with "Details in the Fabric" by Jason Mraz featuring James Morrison. God, what a beautiful song! Seriously.

I love this line:

"Hold your own

Know your name

And go your own way

And everything,

Everything will be fine

Everything"

To me this is such a strong message in few and simple words. I feel like its saying to stay strong and keep your head up, continue on your path no matter what happens and eventually you will see that everything will be fine. I strongly beleive this is true. Although, it is very difficult to get past certain things, eventually everything ends up fine. You might not ever get over something but after some time, you continue to live and life always goes on.

I highly suggest people listen to Jason Mraz's album "We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things." Im pretty sure EVERYONE and their mother knows "I'm Yours" since people (mostly the radio) played the song to death, revived it and then killed it again several times. Yet I still love the song :)

Oh and James Morrison has such a distinct and utterly, beautifully gut wrenching voice that makes my heart flutter. This man has soul. Listen to "If You Dont Wanna Love Me," it is fuckawesome. There was a contestant on American Idol (current season) named Alex Lambert who has a voice very similar to James Morrison's. Would you beleive that America voted him off? I was so shocked and so disappointed. Are all Americans deaf? They would rather hear bullshit bubble gum pop songs by untalented idiots like Britney Spears? Big mistake America, BIG mistake.

Title is lyric from "Details in the Fabric"

Rabbit Rabbit

Remember when we were kids and we beleived that if the first thing we said the morning of the first day of a month was "Rabbit rabbit" we would have good luck for the whole month?....Anybody?... I hope someone else knows what Im talking about lol

Needless to say, I never remembered to say "rabbit rabbit" first and always attributed my bad luck to forgetting to say it. Such a simple time....

Lately, Ive been thinking a lot about my childhood. I'm not sure why though. Ive just been feeling very nostalgic and Ive been remembering a lot of things that I never think about. Ive been relishing in remembering happier and simpler times when I was so carefree and didnt really understand the world. In other words, times when I wasnt so cynical.

I always attribute myself to being so grown up and mature but both a co-worker and my boyfriend recently told me that I act like a kid. I think its because Ive been letting go and just trying to be more carefree. I guess its been working.....My co-worker, Wally, also told me to just have some fun once in a while and I dont know why but that hit home.

I decided that I want to be jovial and young at heart. Im tired of the heavy, mature burden Ive been carrying my whole life. Carefree is something foreign to me but I dont want it to be any longer. I want to enjoy myself and do things a 23 year old should be doing. My youth is just beginning. Im not planning on having kids until Im at least 30 so I have a good 7 years to have fun.

And I think that FINALLY, Im gonna take advantage of that

*Thanks Wally

Freedom

This morning, on my drive to work, I was reminded of someone from my past. This person is someone I no longer want anything to do with and who doesnt really exist to me. I feel disappointed, bitter, and humiliated in myself when I think of said person, so thats why I have erased that person from memories of my past. In other words, I freed myself from anything related to this person.

Then I realized that I havent really freed myself at all. I have been keeping myself trapped because I have never really let go of the hurt this person caused me. I have just been repressing it and pushing it back, like pushing durt under a rug.

So as I drove, I decided that I was gonna let go.

I mean really let go....

They say that people need closure in order to really let go of things and I never got my closure. I had opportunities to get things off my chest but my very being was so shattered that in order to save even a piece of it, I could never stoop down to Person X's level, so I ignored X instead. All those insulting emails, letter, texts, phone calls, messages went ignored.

Now that many, many years have passed, I am finally able to articulate what I wish I could have said...would have said and I am ready to just let go. I chalk it all up to being young and foolish and insecure. Its a mistake that I have most definitely learned from and one that will never happen to me again.

If Person X should ever stumble accross this blog, please know this:

I no longer hate you and I am no longer resentful. Now my smile

reaches my eyes and it comes from my heart. I no longer feel

inadequate and I know what Im worth and dont need you or

anyone else to validate me.

I am strong

Your smile will never reach your eyes. It will always be forced

in the midst of all the hate you have for yourself. You will

always be a sorry, pathetic, insecure and lost little boy trying

to fit in with a crowd that he clearly doesnt belong in.

You tried to keep me down but, lets face it, I have always

been taller than you.....in every sense of the word.

I am playing "Manhattan" Kings of Leon on repeat...for some reason, I always associate this song with FREEDOM.