You Are My Sweetest Downfall

I need a change. I want to do something to my hair. Dye it or cut it but I dont know what and I'm scared to do anything I wont like but I'm sick of the same shit.

In other news, I wont be continuing my dance classes for October. I dont think I will have the time to get there even once a week. Work is going to get very busy that month since I have to go through a yearly audit for one of my sectors. I was told that I should plan to work later until mid November. Late as in 8 or 9pm every day. At this point, suicide is certainly looking mighty fine.

I need a reason to want to wake up in the morning and at the moment I have none. I need a good book to get lost in. A good movie to lose myself in. Anything that will remove me from my reality. I find myself wishing that I was drunk the majority of the time that I am conscious and the cigarettes I am smoking are increasing daily.

I miss my car. I miss having the freedom of just driving somewhere and not depending on the schedule of a train or bus. I hate not having a way to get places and I hate the fact that its been raining for the past 3 days. My hair looks like shit and that's exactly what I feel like.

I have been wanting to take a long walk and just think and think and think until my brain begs me to shut down. I want to walk until my legs buckle...until I reach the point where exhaustion overwhelms me and I fall asleep as soon as my head touches the pillow. I want to fall into an oblivion where figures seem distant and blurry and I dont know if I am dreaming or awake.

Up until now, I have never understood how people get addicted to drugs or alcohol since it alters their reality, but I completely understand now. I understand the need to escape and the need to feel like nothing is real. The need to just view figures and shapes and just get inklings of feelings, but not really feel or see anything at all. I just want to sleep through the rest of this endless life.

When will I want to wake up?

Title of post is "Samson" by Regina Spektor. Great song...so fitting for me right now

I Watch Too Many Movies

The past few days I have been waking up precisely around 3:45am. I have no idea why I wake up and I have no recollection of how I end up going back to sleep. I just know that I always open my eyes and look at the clock right around this time and it has happened for 3 days.

Me, being the paranoid wuss that I am, thinks that this is some sort of message. Like maybe I'm supposed to realize something when I wake up or maybe some spirit/entity is trying to make me see something. I know it sounds stupid but I cant help thinking this. I watch too many movies...

Speaking of movies, I saw "Legion" the other day and I have to say that I was highly disappointed. The movie is about the apocolypse, where God gets mad at humans for being suck pricks and he wants to wipe out humanity. One of his angels, Michael, tries to stop the apocolypse and the fate of the world all depends on the baby of a pregnant white trash waitress. To me, the movie was a bit predictable. This topic has been beat to death and can get a bit corny. It had some good parts to it, but not enough to save the movie.

On the other hand, I saw "Inception" in the theaters and it was an excellent movie. Great cinematography, great acting, great directing, great theme and message. Its complicated and it makes you think from beginning to end. It gets your attention from the first minute til the last second and you go through a journey to try and follow whats going on and even after the movie ends, you are still not sure what happened. But its a good confusion, not a frustrating I-dont-wanna-watch-this-movie-anymore type confusion. I loved it and I would go see it again if I had the chance.

Im thinking about re-activating my Netflix account. I love Indie films and have a few that I am dying to watch (500 Days of Summer, Sunshine Cleaning, The Cake Eaters, etc) and I hope I get to watch soon. Any Indie film recommendations?

Are Your Thoughts Results of Static Cling?

I barely ever dream...ever. But sometimes I'll wake up and I'll have the most ridiculous thoughts in my head,which leads me to beleive that I did dream but I just dont remember anything. Well this morning on the verge of regaining consciousness I had a very long and detailed dream. It involved some people I havent seen in a very long time. I was very close to these people but because I am a terrible friend, I havent kept in touch with them. Was this a sign? Maybe I'll give them a call

On another note, I have been obsessed with "Details in the Fabric" by Jason Mraz featuring James Morrison. God, what a beautiful song! Seriously.

I love this line:

"Hold your own

Know your name

And go your own way

And everything,

Everything will be fine

Everything"

To me this is such a strong message in few and simple words. I feel like its saying to stay strong and keep your head up, continue on your path no matter what happens and eventually you will see that everything will be fine. I strongly beleive this is true. Although, it is very difficult to get past certain things, eventually everything ends up fine. You might not ever get over something but after some time, you continue to live and life always goes on.

I highly suggest people listen to Jason Mraz's album "We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things." Im pretty sure EVERYONE and their mother knows "I'm Yours" since people (mostly the radio) played the song to death, revived it and then killed it again several times. Yet I still love the song :)

Oh and James Morrison has such a distinct and utterly, beautifully gut wrenching voice that makes my heart flutter. This man has soul. Listen to "If You Dont Wanna Love Me," it is fuckawesome. There was a contestant on American Idol (current season) named Alex Lambert who has a voice very similar to James Morrison's. Would you beleive that America voted him off? I was so shocked and so disappointed. Are all Americans deaf? They would rather hear bullshit bubble gum pop songs by untalented idiots like Britney Spears? Big mistake America, BIG mistake.

Title is lyric from "Details in the Fabric"

I've Become So Numb

I havent been doing too good lately. I've been feeling down. I mostly just want to disappear in my slumber. I'm not sure why I am in this downward spiral. All I want to do is sleep and hope that I will feel different once I awake. As Three Days Grace says: "I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all" and thats exactly what I feel, nothing at all.

Which is worse?