Day 8- A Photo That Makes You Angry/Sad

The picture I chose makes me both angry and sad...more sad than angry though. This was the last picture my family took with my grandfather before he died. He came to New York in Jan 2009 to see if he could get better treatment for his lung cancer. They told him there was no hope and that he was going to die. He ended up passing away in March 2009.

If you look at my grandfathers face (he is the one in the middle), he looks defeated. The look on his face is that of a man who knows he is going to die and everytime I look at it, it tugs at my heart strings. I cant imagine what it must be like to know that your time on this earth is limited and I cant help but wonder what was going through his head at that point.

Now the reason why this picture also makes me mad is because I have one brother and one sister, but you only see my brother there. I cant remember why my sister didnt come to see him but it makes me so angry to know that she wasnt there. I guess it wasnt important enough for her or I guess she didnt take his illness seriously. Still, the point is that this is an incomplete family photo. And there is nothing we can do to change it.

R.I.P Papa Tiodo

Emotion Is Energy In Motion

Ok so I noticed I never follow up when I say Im gonna post pics or updates or whatever. Ill get to it eventually...Lately, I have been very busy at work. I am mentally exhausted and dont really want to think much about anything when I get home.

I have also been dealing with some family drama (as usual.) I feel I was betrayed by someone close to me and it has been painful to accept. It is just so disappointing when you put expectations on somebody and they completely do the opposite. The expectations were'nt even unrealistic, they were logical. From this betrayal I have learned two VERY important lessons that I want to share:

1) You cannot help somebody who does not want to be helped. More importantly, the more you help this person, the less appreciative they are of your help. Sometimes people need to find themselves deep in their own shit in order to realize that someone is/was offering them help. Sometimes when you give people too much help, they expect it and think that its a way of life, when in reality help is rare.

2) You can never get something back that was not yours to begin with. I was under the impression that something was given back to me and it was hard to realize that it was never mine to begin with. Sometimes people have impressions of others based on a memory or a shared experience, but those impressions dont always remain the same. I am beginning to accept that people change and the way you remember someone is not necessarily the way they are. Sometimes you think you know someone, then something happens and you realize that you dont know them anymore, you just knew them.

I will always remember these lessons because they represent a tremendous change in my life. I am at a point where I got smacked with the reality of life. And let me tell you that it has hurt me so badly. My icicle of a heart is not used to rational emotion and I've prevented it from being hurt for so many years, that I have become unfamiliar with the feeling of true, rational and unfabricated pain.

Suprisingly, I am not angry or bitter and I have not shed a tear because of this betrayal, I am just broken.

Completely broken....

Freedom

This morning, on my drive to work, I was reminded of someone from my past. This person is someone I no longer want anything to do with and who doesnt really exist to me. I feel disappointed, bitter, and humiliated in myself when I think of said person, so thats why I have erased that person from memories of my past. In other words, I freed myself from anything related to this person.

Then I realized that I havent really freed myself at all. I have been keeping myself trapped because I have never really let go of the hurt this person caused me. I have just been repressing it and pushing it back, like pushing durt under a rug.

So as I drove, I decided that I was gonna let go.

I mean really let go....

They say that people need closure in order to really let go of things and I never got my closure. I had opportunities to get things off my chest but my very being was so shattered that in order to save even a piece of it, I could never stoop down to Person X's level, so I ignored X instead. All those insulting emails, letter, texts, phone calls, messages went ignored.

Now that many, many years have passed, I am finally able to articulate what I wish I could have said...would have said and I am ready to just let go. I chalk it all up to being young and foolish and insecure. Its a mistake that I have most definitely learned from and one that will never happen to me again.

If Person X should ever stumble accross this blog, please know this:

I no longer hate you and I am no longer resentful. Now my smile

reaches my eyes and it comes from my heart. I no longer feel

inadequate and I know what Im worth and dont need you or

anyone else to validate me.

I am strong

Your smile will never reach your eyes. It will always be forced

in the midst of all the hate you have for yourself. You will

always be a sorry, pathetic, insecure and lost little boy trying

to fit in with a crowd that he clearly doesnt belong in.

You tried to keep me down but, lets face it, I have always

been taller than you.....in every sense of the word.

I am playing "Manhattan" Kings of Leon on repeat...for some reason, I always associate this song with FREEDOM.