We Remember Moments

Life has been...well, life. I have been feeling good. I have been okay. I'm slowly getting there. The weather is getting better and that has helped me dramatically because the amount of sunlight and warmth there is outside is directly related to the amount of sunlight and warmth I feel inside myself.

I've been enjoying myself. Going to happy hour with co-workers, having lunch with friends, spending time with the triplets, having conversations with my husband (still not used to calling him that,) shopping for random things, playing with my new iPhone, discovering new music, going to concerts (Andrew McMahon, I worship the ground you walk on,) watching less TV, reading more, spending countless hours on tumblr,  searching for a new TV show to obsess over, eating peaches and plums, discovering new uses for coconut oil, decorating a friends new apartment, training for the Color Run,  and just generally taking it easy. I cant wait for summer because this is gonna be one that I'll remember...I just know it.

Let Me Show You a Few Things

So I'm really liking the fact that Justin Timberlake decided to put out new music. I really enjoyed his last album "FutureSex/LoveSounds" but this was years ago. I remember I was in college and living in the dorms in the Bronx and I worked in Yonkers so I would take 2 buses to get to work 4 times a week. I would start this album at the beginning and it would be done by the time I got to work (always late by the way.)

His new song "Suit and Tie" has a nice old school vibe to it and I haven't gotten tired of it yet, so I'm excited for any new songs that will be released. I always look forward to new music from old favorite artists.

Speaking of new music, there are a few artists that I have been completely obsessed with lately and  I LOVE to share my obsessions and get other people to obsess too. So in order to get myself to post more often and to share wonderful music with everyone, I am gonna make separate posts for each artist that I have had on repeat the past few months/weeks. Here is a list of what to expect:

1. Ed Sheeran

2. Lana Del Rey

3.Twenty One Pilots

4.Imagine Dragons

5. Various Cruelties

6. Lights

7. Jessie Ware

..And At Once I Knew I Was Not Magnificent

This blog is pretty plain, not much decor or anything going on here huh? I'll have to change that soon. It's a goal of mine for the new year.

Speaking of the new year, I am still feeling quite hopeful. I have many ideas and I've been inspired to accomplish many recurring items on my Lifetime TO Do List (I'm definitely a list person if you cant tell by now.) I have also been thinking about where I want to take this blog. It started out as a public diary, a way of tracking life events, or fleeting emotions and feelings. I often look back at posts and reminisce about what I wrote. I appreciate the fact that I can go back to a certain point in time and recall exactly what I felt because I wrote about it in such detail. Therefore, I know that I want to keep this blog going, even if its just for myself. What I will change is the frequency of my posts. I definitely want to make sure I capture this year because I feel so optimistic about it (so optimistic that I even inserted the quintessential cheesy quote pic in this post), so with that being said, I will make every effort possible to write a post every Friday starting today. I'll make it a habit so it becomes second nature.

I will also continue to post, not only about my feelings at the moment, but my discoveries in myself, in music, in art, in life, and just in general. I want to be able to look back and remind myself of the time where I made a change in my life, whether its a different way of thinking or a new band.  This blog has never been about sharing with the world, it has always been for me and my future selves. So I am making an effort to stop disappointing myself and living up to the things I imagine in my head.

Title post is "Holocene" by Bon Iver

Close My Eyes

Has anyone ever gone back and listened to music they used to love many years back? Back in 1997 or 1998, my favorite album was Butterfly by Mariah Carey. I used to listen to it non-stop in my little portable CD player and, at the time, thought I fully understood each song and had a connection with them. Looking back, it was impossible for a 12 year old to be able to relate to the musings of a then 28 year old Mariah Carey.

I recently went back and re-listened to that entire album and I gotta say that it is truly and incredible album. My reaction to it is completely different from what it was 14 years back. I love this album more than I did before because now I completely understand it. I can truly relate to it, I can picture myself in it, I can envision it, I can include myself in the lyrics. I was not able to do these things back then and being able to do it now, makes all the difference.

While I love the fact that I am able to compare how much I have grown mentally and emotionally through music, I am also saddened at the fact that the amount of music that will withstand the test of time like this album has, is almost non existant. Maybe it's because of the memories listening to this album stirs up or maybe it's because I slowly realizing I am aging and this all makes me nostalgic, but 15 years from now, there will only be a small handful of albums that will be able to evoke the feelings Butterfly has for me. I only hope that the youth now is able to look back years from now and listen to an album and fall in love with it again, like I have.

Going through all the tracks in Butterfly, the one that hit me hardest was "Close My Eyes." If this song had been released in present day, I would swear it was written about me. It completely describes what I feel and think and my reflections of self. I am thoroughly impressed with the fact that whoever wrote this was able to put those kind of feelings into words, since I have tried and have not succeeded.

Below are the lyrics, hopefully others can relate as well:

Close My Eyes



I was wayward child

With the weight of the world
That I held deep inside
Life was a winding road
And I learned many things
Little ones shouldn't know

[Chorus:]

But I closed my eyes

Steadied my feet on the ground

Raised my head to the sky

And though time's rolled by

Still feel like a child

As I look at the moon

Maybe I grew up

A little too soon

Funny how one can learn

To grow numb to the madness

And block it away

I left the worst unsaid

Let it all dissipate

And I try to forget

Nearing the edge

Oblivious I almost

Fell right over

A part of me

Will never be quite able

To feel stable

That woman-child falling inside

Was on the verge of fading

Thankfully I

Woke up in time

Guardian angel I

Sail away on an ocean

With you by my side

Orange clouds roll by

They burn into your image

And you're still alive

(You're always alive)

Day 19-Write About a Sweet Memory From Your Past

I have quite a limited memory, however I do remember a few things that make me smile. For example, I remember when school was out for the summer, my sister and me used to do so many things to keep ourselves entertained.

I remember we used to go to the library with our two best friends and we use to take out all the RL Stine books and try to read every single one of them throughout the summer. We also used to walk around looking for an open fire hydrant to play around in (I grew up in the Bronx, this was our idea of sprinklers and a pool).

We used to stay up late watching MTV and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches EVERY SINGLE DAY. We also used to watch The Golden Girls marathon every time it came on. We used to rollerblade outside our building, but only from corner to corner, we couldnt turn. Or we used to go to the park near our house and pretty much just waste time all day. Those were the days...

And These Foolish Games....

In keeping up with the throwback to the 90's, that I begun a few weeks ago, I wanted to share Jewel "Foolish Games."(Click for video). I woke up with this song in my head today. I had forgotten how much I loved this song back then. I especially love the following lines:

"Well, excuse me,

Guess I've mistaken you for somebody else,
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself "

Its hard to pick out specific lyrics because, honestly, the whole song is lyrically excellent. Its hard not to be affected by the pain in her voice. I mean, I have no doubt in my mind that her heart is breaking. I can actually feel her pain and the confusion caused by the foolish games people play when in relationships.

I think this is song is a great example of how pop music has gone downhill. Its so difficult to find songs this well written and composed and this touching. Maybe its just me...I dont know, but in any case, I still absolutely love this song after so many years ;)

I Wish You Would Step Back From That Ledge, My Friend

I had my iPod on shuffle the other day and all of a sudden the song "Jumper" comes on. This song is by a band called Third Eye Blind. Does anyone remember them and their really popular song "Semi Charmed Life" back in like 1998? I do!

I used to LOVE this band. I listened to their first album "Third Eye Blind" non stop back when I was like in middle school. They were one of the great 90's bands (along with Nirvana, Sublime, Blind Melon, The Verve Pipe) that we took for granted back in the day. Anyway, I've been listening to that album again (I still have it somewhere) and it is just a great album. The lyrics in each song are so touching, clever and heartfelt. I actually remember most of the lyrics even after 12 years!

I think my favorite song is "Motorcycle Drive By" I feel like the lead singer, Stephen Jenkins, had a realization that this girl he was after will never love him and he has to just get over this relationship. He feels lonely but at the same time he is so in tune with his loneliness that he feels alive. I cannot express how beautiful this song is to me. It reminds me of a period in my life that feels like it was so long ago.

I am ecstatic to reconnect with this album and to check out some of their new music.

Day 28- This Year (so far) in Great Detail

Wow, my mind is blank. I cannot remember anything I've done this year. Guess this will be another list as my memory sucks major ass. Some things will be repetitive:

2010 So Far

-became a fangirl and went to see Vinny from I Am The Avalanche at Angels and Kings in January

-started going to the gym like a maniac in March but then stopped for a reason I cant even remember

-Saw I Am the Avalanche the band together in April

-Saw Envy on the Coast again in April where I proceeded to get drunk on just two drink (Thanks Irving Plaza!)

-saw Three Days Grace and Breaking Benjamin with Victor in Feb :)

-started a new dept at work which is harder than my last dept and my lead's nickname is Hitler's Wife

-Bamboozle 2010! I was one step closer to meeting Andrew McMahon because he was performing with Something Corporate, which I will be seeing again on August 13th!! In the future, I will dedicate an entire post to this wonderful man that changed my life with a single lyric :)

-decided to learn to play the piano, although I only somewhat know "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab and "Dark Blue" by Jack's Mannequin

-was deeply betrayed by a family member, but eventually got over it

-realized my little brother isnt little anymore

-learned that I have great friends that I truly appreciate

-fell in love again

-started playing softball

-have significantly cut down on the number of times I have been to the movies. I dont know if its because there hasnt been a good movie out for a while or because I feel raped by the ticket fees

-have not seen Avatar YET

-realized that my future does not lie in Accounting, I was meant to do something different

-almost lost my apartment that I have grown to love

-had dinner at my landlord's house and had them over for dinner

-learned how to make homemade brownies

-learned that adding a pack of chocolate pudding to Super Moist Betty Crocker Devil's food cake makes it so moist that it falls apart

-discovered Chocolate Cheerios (they are the shit)

-cried when Vampire Diaries season ended two weeks ago

-finally went to the doctor

-got minor surgery at the dentist, which improved my teeth by 100%

-realized that The Beatles were the motherf*cking shit!

-watched the entire season of American Idol (ends tomorrow)

-felt old for the first time ever when I was in line to see Envy on the Coast and there were a bunch of 17 year olds behind me. I am almost 7 years older than them....7!

-read a few good books

-got a set of shaped rubber bands that all the kids are using. Im currently wearing a dog and a cow

-fell in love with several bands/singers which I have mentioned several times before and I will keep mentioning until everyone that stumbles on this blog listens to them at least once: The Black Keys, Band of Horses, Bayside, The Beatles, Justin Nozuka, James Morrison, Something Corporate, and the list goes on and on

-has the best dulce de leche cake ever for my mom's b-day in March

I guess this is enough for now, I cant think of anything else. What a loser I am ;)

Day 10-Photo of You Taken Over 10 Years Ago

I dont really have much digital photos from 10 years back, so I really didnt have a picture to put up for this one. My godsister, who has been obsessed with taking pictures her entire life, had plenty of old and quite embarrassing pictures of me that I just cant bear to share with the world. First opportunity I get, I will destroy the pictures.

I did, however, find a fairly decent pic that I like from almost 10 years back. This pic will have to do. We were somewhere in Queens, visiting my godsister's ex-husbands parents. I beleive I was 14 or 15 in this pic. Im the one in the middle.

Boy have times changed.....

Emotion Is Energy In Motion

Ok so I noticed I never follow up when I say Im gonna post pics or updates or whatever. Ill get to it eventually...Lately, I have been very busy at work. I am mentally exhausted and dont really want to think much about anything when I get home.

I have also been dealing with some family drama (as usual.) I feel I was betrayed by someone close to me and it has been painful to accept. It is just so disappointing when you put expectations on somebody and they completely do the opposite. The expectations were'nt even unrealistic, they were logical. From this betrayal I have learned two VERY important lessons that I want to share:

1) You cannot help somebody who does not want to be helped. More importantly, the more you help this person, the less appreciative they are of your help. Sometimes people need to find themselves deep in their own shit in order to realize that someone is/was offering them help. Sometimes when you give people too much help, they expect it and think that its a way of life, when in reality help is rare.

2) You can never get something back that was not yours to begin with. I was under the impression that something was given back to me and it was hard to realize that it was never mine to begin with. Sometimes people have impressions of others based on a memory or a shared experience, but those impressions dont always remain the same. I am beginning to accept that people change and the way you remember someone is not necessarily the way they are. Sometimes you think you know someone, then something happens and you realize that you dont know them anymore, you just knew them.

I will always remember these lessons because they represent a tremendous change in my life. I am at a point where I got smacked with the reality of life. And let me tell you that it has hurt me so badly. My icicle of a heart is not used to rational emotion and I've prevented it from being hurt for so many years, that I have become unfamiliar with the feeling of true, rational and unfabricated pain.

Suprisingly, I am not angry or bitter and I have not shed a tear because of this betrayal, I am just broken.

Completely broken....

Memories Mar My Mind...

Lately, my weekends have been consisting of Lifetime movie marathons. It reminds me of when I was younger and my sister and I would wake up and watch Lifetime movies all day long for the entire weekend. We were obsessed. We would shower quickly between commercial breaks and would run to the kitchen to get something to eat. We would watch movie after movie and just be so content. This was a much simpler time.



I wonder if things like these are why my childhood was so limited. People always talk about things they did as kids that I have no idea about. They seem so surprised when I tell them that I never saw a certain movie that "everyone" watched or that I never played a certain game that "everyone" played. I didnt even know these experiences were missing from my life until others bring them up.



I attribute my lack of childhood experiences to two things:

First, I've always been different and I have known this for a while. I've never found myself attracted to the things that most people are attracted to. Maybe I just wasnt interested in said movie "everyone" watched or said game "everyone" played. Maybe I was busy doing other things that I found cool and exciting that others might have not.

Second, my parents were very strict and protective. They were also immigrants who werent familiar with the American way children in the United States were raised. Maybe I didnt do these things because my parents didnt know about them or maybe they didnt want me to do them because they didnt think it was safe.



I have very little recollection of my childhood years. I might have done all those things that other kids did but I just cant recall them. At this point in my life, I am not certain if my limited recollectoin is because I just simply have a terrible memory or because I have intentionally erased these memories from my mind. If I'm being honest with myself, deep in my heart, I know that the typical kid things cannot be remembered because I never did them and that the reason for the terrible recollection of my childhood is because there is nothing to remember. I didnt have a childhood. I've been an adult for as far as my memory allows me to remember.



Sadly, I will never know if I would have turned out a different person than I am now if maybe I would have watched the damn movie or played the damn game. And maybe I dont really care anymore



Title of post is from "Love is a Losing Game" by Amy Winehouse