Open Your Eyes and Let All the Light In

I am still alive

I haven't had much time for much of anything, but I am still here and still alive. I know I have hinted in the past that I have several things to sort out in my head before I share them with the super massive abyss that is the Internet. I have finally sorted out most of them...

My sister gave birth to triplets two months ago. Two boys and a little girl. When I first found out this news, I went through a series of emotions. I was angry because the person she chose to have children with is not someone who I think would make a good father. I was disappointed because she was only 21 and her life has not even begun yet. I was upset because I guess I was not ready for my little sister to grow up and be a parent. I was exasperated because how on earth is she going to handle three children at once? I was indifferent because at the end of the day, it is not my life that will be eternally affected. I have never been more wrong...

I have to admit that I did not agree with her pregnancy at any point during her pregnancy. I did not ask her how she felt, how the babies were doing, didn't want to see sonograms, I didn't even touch her stomach to feel the babies kick or anything. I willingly detached myself from the whole thing. I pretended that the huge object protruding from my sister's stomach did not exist. Because I did not agree with her decision, I told myself that I wanted nothing to do with it or the children. I maintained my distance and my heart was cold.

I continued with this attitude even when the children were born and I went to see them for the first time in the NICU at the hospital. They were born premature because they are triplets and they usually do not go the full 40 week term. I hate to admit that my heart felt nothing for them. I cared because they were my family but that was as far as it went.

One day, about two weeks after they were born, I went to visit them at the NICU with my mother. It was feeding time and my sister tells the nurse to show me how to feed the little girl. I admit, my first reaction was "Hell no! I don't know what I'm doing!" but the nurse assured me I would do fine and she would be there in case I did something wrong.

When I held that little girl in my arms for the first time while I fed her, the world shifted for me.

I cannot explain what the hell happened to me but everything changed. I was overwhelmed with a need to protect this innocent little creature. I held her for a while and I was filled with an immense feeling of unconditional love for this little girl. How could I love someone so much and all she had to do was exist? She literally made me want to be a better person just for her. I guess at this point, I understood what the big deal is about having kids. It is an indescribable feeling and I will never judge people who are affected by babies again.

This does not mean that I have changed my mind about having children. My feelings still stand. I don't really like them very much. I am not ready for kids and at in this moment, I still do not want kids of my own. The difference is that I understand why people want children and how children change people's lives. Although, I am not ready to give things up and make sacrifices yet, I now know I will be capable of wanting to be a better person for the sole purpose of someone else's existence. I will be capable of forming an unrequited bond with another person. I will be capable of being patient, loving, kind, helpful, wise, etc. I will be capable of being a good mother and this is something that I have never thought I could be.

My sister always asks me why out of the triplets, I am partial to the girl. I always tell her that it's because she is the only girl or because she is so well behaved, but the truth is that this little girl changed something in me. She changed the way a huge part of my future could have played out. I could have lived the rest of my life staying away from my niece and nephews but because of her, not only will I get the opportunity to be in their life, but I also know that I am capable of loving fully, truly and unconditionally.

Here is a pic of the triplets when they were about 6 weeks old:

Alyssa Marie, Alexander James & Aaron Christopher

Title of post is from "Collapse" by Saosin

Mis Lagrimas Hacen Un Mar

Anyone remember Enrique Iglesias when he first came out and only sang in Spanish? One of his songs was the theme song to a novela that my Mom used to watch. It's a really beautiful song and I woke up singing it this morning for some strange reason. I remember my sister and me having the biggest crush on him because of this song too.

Those were the days....Here is "Si Tu Te Vas"

Memories Mar My Mind...

Lately, my weekends have been consisting of Lifetime movie marathons. It reminds me of when I was younger and my sister and I would wake up and watch Lifetime movies all day long for the entire weekend. We were obsessed. We would shower quickly between commercial breaks and would run to the kitchen to get something to eat. We would watch movie after movie and just be so content. This was a much simpler time.



I wonder if things like these are why my childhood was so limited. People always talk about things they did as kids that I have no idea about. They seem so surprised when I tell them that I never saw a certain movie that "everyone" watched or that I never played a certain game that "everyone" played. I didnt even know these experiences were missing from my life until others bring them up.



I attribute my lack of childhood experiences to two things:

First, I've always been different and I have known this for a while. I've never found myself attracted to the things that most people are attracted to. Maybe I just wasnt interested in said movie "everyone" watched or said game "everyone" played. Maybe I was busy doing other things that I found cool and exciting that others might have not.

Second, my parents were very strict and protective. They were also immigrants who werent familiar with the American way children in the United States were raised. Maybe I didnt do these things because my parents didnt know about them or maybe they didnt want me to do them because they didnt think it was safe.



I have very little recollection of my childhood years. I might have done all those things that other kids did but I just cant recall them. At this point in my life, I am not certain if my limited recollectoin is because I just simply have a terrible memory or because I have intentionally erased these memories from my mind. If I'm being honest with myself, deep in my heart, I know that the typical kid things cannot be remembered because I never did them and that the reason for the terrible recollection of my childhood is because there is nothing to remember. I didnt have a childhood. I've been an adult for as far as my memory allows me to remember.



Sadly, I will never know if I would have turned out a different person than I am now if maybe I would have watched the damn movie or played the damn game. And maybe I dont really care anymore



Title of post is from "Love is a Losing Game" by Amy Winehouse

Funnel Cake

The funniest/scariest thing that has ever happened to me was the day after my senior prom. It was tradition to cut class and go to Six Flags that day, so of course thats what I did. I went with a VERY cool group of friends and we had a blast that day. We got on so many rides and just had a genuinely good time (at least this is what I remember).

We had all decided that before we left we would all get funnel cakes because, come on, who doesnt love those? So towards the end of our visit, we all got on the Free Fall. Back then, it was an old ride with rusted metal (i dont know if they still have it there) and it only fit 3 people at a time. So we all took turns in groups of 3. When it was my turn, my group consisted of myself, my sister and this guy named Courtney who, now that I think about it, was so obviously gay lol.

So we get on the cart and it is supposed to just free fall like 50 ft or something like that in a few seconds. We are all nervous as hell because the cart free falls without warning so the anticipation/fear was killing us. Usually, it takes about 15 seconds for the cart to free fall once everyone is strapped in. A minute had passed and our cart didnt fall. We didnt notice the amount of time that passed because we were all so nervous and anticipating the fall. We were too busy clenching our stomachs and shaking just waiting for this thing to fall at full speed.

Another minute passes and another and we finally realize that this cart is not gonna move and we are stuck like 50 feet in the air. To any normal person, this would be something that would cause them worry or even fear. We all know that I am NOT a normal person. I was scared all right....scared that the funnel cake stand might close while I was stuck up there and I wasnt gonna get a chance to get one before I left.

I wanted a funnel cake dammit!

So when our friends waiting for us at the bottom realize we were all stuck, they start shouting up at us to see if we were okay. I remember distinctly saying "Yeah Im fine! Shantel go get me a funnel cake! Im not leaving without a funnel cake!" In my mind, that was all I could think of. I had that craving and it was gonna be fullfilled even if Shantel had to climb up 50 feet in the air and bring it to me.

20 minutes later some technicians come and they attach a bungee cord to the cart and they open the door and have us climb out onto a long stair case on the side of the ride. It was a bit scary because we were suspended in mid air and the staircase wasnt exactly right next to the cart. It took us about 5 min to come down those stairs. They gave us free water bottles and a pass to get on whatever ride we wanted without having to make a line. How thoughtful of them....as if I was gonna get on another ride before eating my funnel cake.

Some of my friends used our pass and got on Nitro a few times. Me?.......I inhaled a nice warm funnel cake :)

Regaining

Today I got something back that was taken from me and those who are important to me. Someone coveted this important factor in my life. Destroyed it, changed it, and shattered its soul. I had mourned the loss of this factor for almost a year now, thinking I would probably never get it back.

You see, this factor and I have a history. We go back 21 years. We grew up together. We shared everything. We were enemies and friends at the same time. I both hated and loved it. It was an extension of me...a distant part of me. Something that knew me so well. Something I knew so well. Something that hurt me so much to lose.

I blamed myself at first...I thought I hadnt done enough to make this factor be the same as it had been all my life. Then I realized I had no control over it and I could only wait around and hope it would come back to my family and myself. And today it did.

Today..... I got my sister back