Others Came Before Me, Others To Come

I have been meaning to blog for weeks but havent felt like I have anything new to say. I have been stuck in my rut and I have not seen the light at the end of my tunnel.

I cant sleep. I am drinking massive amounts of coffee in the morning and I feel like I am coming down with a cold...again. Is there another word for misery? I am tired of repeating myself.

Been listening to a lot of Band of Horses lately. Their melancholy beats suit my moods, particularly in their song "Infinite Arms." I interpret the song to be about death but I can also see how it can be about love. It is a perfect crossfire and the feelings it emits fit me to a T. It reminds me of him...

I feel like I am dead. I most certainly do not feel alive. And while I feel love, I have learned tough lessons about love. It does not conquer all. It does not heal. It is not the solution to everything. Love is more work and sacrifice than anything else. Love requires effort. Love is difficult and complicated and often causes more problems than it solves. Love is scarring and can be hurtful. Love can make you oblivious and can consume you whole. Once you fall into it, you are never the same.

Some say it is worth all the pain, some say it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Me? I dont know anymore...

Enjoy "Infinite Arms"

Just Stuck Inside The Gloom

My lack of motivation to do anything is astounding. I cannot comprehend how my only desire is to lay around and watch TV. My apartment is like a cave that I am hibernating in, despite the fact that the weather is still pleasent. There isnt even anything good on TV. I've passed the time watching ridiculous things that exist solely for entertainment.

Everything bores me these days.

Having fun means getting off my fat ass and doing something and at the moment, the way I feel, its like that is not even an option. I just feel so tired. I am tired of all the things that I put up with and have gotten accustomed to. I am tired of just feeling like I have settled for what life has to offer. I am tired of saying that I am going to do something and then never following through with it. It seems that I am not a woman of my word and although I dont like it, I have come to accept it, just as I have accepted everything else in my life.

I have settled

What will it take to wake me out of my slumber? What needs to happen in order for me to become motivated? I have too much time on my hands, and yet not enough.

Never enough....

Time waits for no one and every second I spend unmotivated is a second I have lost forever. And sadly, I think I am becoming ok with that. I guess my dreams and goals dont need to be achieved. I am starting to accept that I will never be skinny, I will never travel the world, I will never buy a house...

I will always be unhappy

I have settled and it depresses me to the point where I suffocate on my acceptance. To the point where I want to disassociate from my reality. To the point where nothing makes sense anymore because with settling, I feel I am doing something I swore I would never do:

I am giving up

Title of post is "Why Georgia?" by John Mayer

She's So Vacant, Her Soul Is Taken

My unhappiness peaked yesterday. My gasket was blown. My stress reached irrational levels. I now understand how people can just up and quit a job and not think twice about the consequences.

I HATE MY JOB

It makes me miserable. I am giving away the best years of my life to a company that doesnt give a shit about me and that will outsource my job in a nano second. Is this what life is supposed to be like? Is everyone else saying the same thing about their jobs? Are there people who are actually happy with their jobs? Does that even exist? It seems so impossible to me.

I have never had a job that I enjoyed. Mostly because they were all just that: jobs....but this is my career! This is supposed to be what I spend the rest of my life doing. This is what I dedicated 4 years of my life in college to. My God, I didnt know myself back then because if I did, I would NEVER have picked this career.

I used to think that the company I worked for was the bad one and thats what made me miserable, but in my irrationality yesterday (is that a word?) I had one clear, rational thought: "I was not meant to be an accountant." My misery in my career has nothing to do with the company I work for, although it does add to it, but it has everything to do with my career choice.

Now that I think back to it, all the signs were clear. I never enjoyed numbers. I never enjoyed Math. It was my weakest subject. I am a woman of words and books, not numbers and equations. I initially liked the fact that accounting was black and white. Debits must always equal credits. It made me comfortable to know that there was always a wrong and a right. But now that I am older and much less naive, I realize that the world is gray. There are exceptions to rules and there is never a wrong and a right.

Everything about who I am goes against this career choice. I have outgrown it. I keep telling myself that the money makes up for the misery but the truth is that I dont get paid enough to fake the satisfaction I should feel. Money really cant buy happiness....and I am finding this out the hard way.

Title of Post is from "He Can Only Hold Her" by Amy Winehouse

Everything That Comes Together Falls Apart

This office is like a freezer and my hands are so numb, I could barely type. I have not been myself lately. There is so much going on in my head that I have to keep myself busy at all times so I dont give my head a chance to run away with my thoughts.

I hate thinking about reality. Things that other people never give a second thought to. Like I cant stop wondering if my little brother is happy? The thought of him being miserable is constantly in my head. I am literally driving myself insane with it. And I wonder if my father is truly happy or if he is silently suffering? And the thought of this KILLS ME. Literally, a little piece of me dies when I think that the people that I care the most about might be in pain. It is very difficult to deal with these thoughts, which is why I am convinced that I am verging on insanity.

Last night, I had a breakthrough with Victor. He told me things that I desperately needed to hear. Things that I thought he was too ignorant to notice and he confirmed things that I constantly doubted. He said them all with such sincerity in his voice and in his eyes that I could do nothing else but believe him. I think that this was the first time that I actually allowed him to be there for me in all our time together. Its sad that it took this long but, either way, it was a bittesweet breakthrough

I'll hold on to this little bit of positive amongst this sea of blackness that I have sorrounded myself with.

Title of post is from the book "Looking For Alaska" by John Greene. Its a quick read and a great book, definitely recommend.

Miserable At Best

I had an epiphany the other day. The kind that wakes you up and puts everything into perspective. I realized that I am a miserable person and that my misery is not caused by any outer, environmental factors, my misery is innate. I was born this way and I will most likely die this way.

I dont know how to be anything other than miserable, any other emotion is unfamiliar and uncomfortable. I often wonder how people have happiness that just radiates out of them. What did they do differently that they are able to feel that way? What did I miss? I cannot fathom how people can be innately happy. How people can genuinely laugh and genuinely be interested in how others are doing and how people smile with their eyes...I just dont get it.

The worst part of it all is that I do not want to be this way. I do not want to live my life swimming through my darkness and trying to stay afloat. I feel like I am constantly on the edge of a cliff and like at any point, I will fall over and just continue to free fall in my black abyss. I am sick of this. Misery loves company too so I am certain that I spread my misery without even noticing it. I often wonder why Victor seems so miserable and I never realized that it could be me making him this way. Its hard to be happy around a negative, downer like I am. I dont even know if he has tried to be happy and I have just stunted him.

I keep writing about how I want to change my life and do things so that I dont end up regretting how I live. How I wanted to make a list of things I wanted to do before I die, how I am gonna start living freely and enjoying my youth. But I have been nothing but an unrealistic, hypocrite because I have done none of these things. I have no list and I am not free. I am holding myself captive in my web of misery. Nobody could set me free but me, but I dont even know the first thing about freedom.

I feel like this is beyond me. Maybe this is not something I can control, maybe this is my fate. But it would kill me to think back and realize that I settled to live life a certain way because I didnt know how to fight back. What if I can tackle this? What if I can actually...be happy? I dont want to die thinking what if's.

I called a therapist at 11pm on Thursday night. I left a message. She called me back and left me a message to call her again to make an appt.

I still have not called.

Title of post is Mayday Parade