She's So Vacant, Her Soul Is Taken

My unhappiness peaked yesterday. My gasket was blown. My stress reached irrational levels. I now understand how people can just up and quit a job and not think twice about the consequences.

I HATE MY JOB

It makes me miserable. I am giving away the best years of my life to a company that doesnt give a shit about me and that will outsource my job in a nano second. Is this what life is supposed to be like? Is everyone else saying the same thing about their jobs? Are there people who are actually happy with their jobs? Does that even exist? It seems so impossible to me.

I have never had a job that I enjoyed. Mostly because they were all just that: jobs....but this is my career! This is supposed to be what I spend the rest of my life doing. This is what I dedicated 4 years of my life in college to. My God, I didnt know myself back then because if I did, I would NEVER have picked this career.

I used to think that the company I worked for was the bad one and thats what made me miserable, but in my irrationality yesterday (is that a word?) I had one clear, rational thought: "I was not meant to be an accountant." My misery in my career has nothing to do with the company I work for, although it does add to it, but it has everything to do with my career choice.

Now that I think back to it, all the signs were clear. I never enjoyed numbers. I never enjoyed Math. It was my weakest subject. I am a woman of words and books, not numbers and equations. I initially liked the fact that accounting was black and white. Debits must always equal credits. It made me comfortable to know that there was always a wrong and a right. But now that I am older and much less naive, I realize that the world is gray. There are exceptions to rules and there is never a wrong and a right.

Everything about who I am goes against this career choice. I have outgrown it. I keep telling myself that the money makes up for the misery but the truth is that I dont get paid enough to fake the satisfaction I should feel. Money really cant buy happiness....and I am finding this out the hard way.

Title of Post is from "He Can Only Hold Her" by Amy Winehouse