To Sacrifice But Knowing to Survive

I made a huge decision a few minutes ago...I have decided that I am going back to school to get my Master's degree.

And I'm scared....quite shitless

I have been out of school for almost 5 years now. I've always wanted to get my Master's but I have kept putting it off for years now. The best time would have been right after I got my Bachelor's since I was still in school mode but instead I needed a break. It was initially supposed to be a short break, like a year or so, but it has turned into a 5 year break.

I dont know how to get into the flow of school again. My last year in college, I worked 32 hours a week at a hotel and I was a Resident Assistant at school. The stress of work and school contributed to my mental downfall. I am scared that I might be overexerting myself again since I work so many hours at IBM. I dont even know how I will find time to take classes or much less study.

I could keep putting it off but when I make up my mind about something, there is no turning back for me. Something clicked this morning and this is an official decision. I am going to apply for Fordham Grad School since I got my Bachelor of Science there, but I think I'll aim a bit higher and perhaps try NYU or Columbia Grad schools. I mean, if I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna go all out and aim for the best. I also have to think about the financial aspect of this decision, so I might have to choose cheaper schools but I'll figure the details out as I go.

I'm terrified that this wont work out or that I'll fail, but I never want to look back and regret not doing this. If my mind is made up, I cannot and will not let fear stand in my way. I've always known sacrifices result in rewards and I have always survived all my sacrifices.

This one will not be any different

Title post is "Walk" by the Foo Fighters

I'm Too Young To Feel This Old

Its official, my job is aging me.

I have been feeling so unsatisfied with work. One of the worst feelings in the world is when you dread waking up because you know you have to go to work. This is exactly how I have been feeling lately. I dont know what is going on but my job is not making me happy. I am aware that many people's jobs dont make them happy, but I would like to beleive that that is not the case for everyone.

I enjoy what I do and I enjoy the people I work with, but lately I have been feeling like this is not what my life is cut out for. I have felt this before but this time it is much stronger and constant. Its like a nagging feeling that keeps telling me that I am destined for more in this life than tracking revenue for multi-million dollar customers.

I think I recently had an epiphany when I went on a mini vacation to Virginia a few days ago. For the first time, in a very long time, I felt my age while I was there. I did things normal 23 soon to be 24 year olds do all the time. I wasnt worried about how I was gonna pay my rent and credit cards and how I was going to afford gas for the month. I wasnt worried about reconciling accounts and preparing finacial statements for the insurance subsidiary. I just felt so carefree, young, and so....myself.

I come back to New York and reality slapped me in the face. It was the 1st of the month and my rent is due and its my busy week at work and I realize that I just dont know how to find a balance between being young and carefree and being responsible. I cant find a grey area. And again, I realize that this is NOT how my life is supposed to be. I feel like my soul is slowly dying everytime I have to balance a revenue account or defer costs to amortize.

Looking back on this blog, I see that many times I have vouched to change my life, to enjoy myself more often, to try to really live my life and though I feel like I have made changes, it seems I always end up where I started. Reminds me of a Radiohead lyric from the song "15 Steps." (**Click on the link, its an excellent song**) It goes:

"How come I end up where I started

How come I end up where I went wrong"

I always end up back at the beginning and back at the wrong place. Its a vicious cycle but now I am more determined to end it because I have never felt so lost and unsatisfied in my life. I need an answer and I need one fast because I'm slowly disintegrating and blending into the monotony of life that many fall into. And honestly, Im too damn young to feel this old and to feel so trapped.

What is my purpose in life? I refuse to believe my purpose is to simply exist and use up oxygen. I refuse to look back on life and feel like I did nothing worth reminiscing about. There has to be more to life out there. Maybe I just have to reach out and grab it.

Maybe I just have to....let go.

This Is The Sound of Settling

As I washed my hands a few days ago, I wondered whether I had chosen the right career to follow. I am currently an Accountant for IBM. I like my job. I dont find myself dreading coming into work and the hours go by quickly when I am there. But I also dont love my job either. I dont feel passionate about it and I dont know how I feel about being an accountant the rest of my life.

I feel like accounting is completely different from who I am. Accounting is based on numbers, which cannot be interpreted any other way but in numbers. 2+2 will always equal 4. A debit will always be a debit and a credit will always be a credit. Accounting is right and wrong, it is black and white.....

Yet I feel I am gray...

In some ways I can see why I would be attracted to something like Accounting. I like stability, something constant and steady, something that will always be the way it is. That stability makes me feel secure. I would hate to have to decipher between wrong and right all the time, but with Accounting it is always clear. On the other hand, deep in my heart, I feel this is not what I was meant to do. This is not something I feel will make me happy in the long run. I am a complex person, someone who is mentally unstable, who cannot make decisions, who justifies my wrongs in order to make them right in my own head. I cannot be categorized and, for me, 2 +2 doesnt always equal 4.

I realize that I dont have to define myself by my career. I realize that my career doesnt have to represent who I am. But I feel that there has to be some sort of connection there, like a person who is passionate about music is a musician, a person passionate about words is a writer, etc. I am passionate about music, reading, writing, and interior decor but yet I am none of the above. I am an accountant. And I fail to see the connection.

In my dream world, I would be an interior decorator who writes magazine articles and who does part time editing for a publishing company. I feel I was meant to live with words and not numbers. But words are so unstable and could mean anything you interpret them to mean....and that scares me.

So do I just settle and accept the comfort of my stable numbers, or do I take a risk and struggle to interpret my words?

I don't know....

Title is lyric from "The Sound of Settling" by Death Cab for Cutie-you should have realized that I am obsessed with them by now