I'm Half Alive But Feel Mostly Dead

Today I feel so sad that I have to write about it in order to let some of this sadness go.

I've been watching a lot of wedding shows on TLC and WEtv. Not only are they entertaining but I like to see what other people are doing in their weddings or what kind of wedding dresses people are buying, etc. After several marathons the past few weeks, I noticed a trend: every single person chosen for all these shows (Say Yes to the Dress, Four Weddings, My Fair Wedding with David Tuttera, etc) has so much love and support in their lives. I mean these women bring a crowd of people with them just to select a wedding dress. Every single person cries when she chooses the right dress. The mom is so proud of the daughter and the father is so happy, etc. They have nothing but nice things to say about the bride and how deserving she is of everything she is getting.

What the fuck? Is this real life? I've come to the conclusion that either people like me dont get married or these television networks dont select people like me or with similar stories to go on TV. I have never seen a bride on any of these shows that I could relate to and it makes me sad because I start to realize that my wedding experience has been far from fairy tale worthy so far. As a matter of fact, nothing in my life has ever been fairy tale worthy and it just makes me wonder why?

My wedding is planned on the tightest and lowest of budgets. I am getting no financial help or support for this from anyone. It is all coming out of the money I have saved for years and once that is used up, the rest will be paid by credit cards. My mom didnt go with me to pick out my wedding dress and when I tried it on for her, she didnt cry with joy at all. She hates my dress and tried to convince me to get a different one. Now I question my dress and wonder if it's even right for me. I feel like I'm settling because the price was affordable and so far  I've had to settle for so many things simply because I cant afford what I really want.

Perhaps the saddest part of this all, is that my father will not be attending my wedding. Not because he cant, but because he doesnt want to. He gave me every excuse in the book and when I refuted each excuse with a valid point, he flat out told me he refused to come. I've held on to that news for a little while now and had to release it before it consumed me. So I will not have my father give me away at my wedding and I will not have a father/daughter dance. My father will not tear up as I say my vows, he will not beam with pride and he will not think I am the most beautiful bride.

 I will walk myself down the aisle. I will give myself away.

This all just makes me wonder what all those other girls have that I dont? Why do they get unconditional love and support? Why do they get unlimited budgets to select their dresses and to prepare their wedding? Why do they get to live out their dreams and I dont? It all makes me feel so inadequate and miserable.

I dont want to seem like I dont appreciate the support I have gotten so far, because I really and truly do. There have been many, many people that have been there for me thus far and my gratitude cannot be expressed in words. They have kept me going so far. I guess the problem is that I still have not gotten the support I need the most, the support I have seeked for years, the support that will sustain me,

the support from my father.

Title of post from "You Were Meant For Me" by Jewel

Close My Eyes

Has anyone ever gone back and listened to music they used to love many years back? Back in 1997 or 1998, my favorite album was Butterfly by Mariah Carey. I used to listen to it non-stop in my little portable CD player and, at the time, thought I fully understood each song and had a connection with them. Looking back, it was impossible for a 12 year old to be able to relate to the musings of a then 28 year old Mariah Carey.

I recently went back and re-listened to that entire album and I gotta say that it is truly and incredible album. My reaction to it is completely different from what it was 14 years back. I love this album more than I did before because now I completely understand it. I can truly relate to it, I can picture myself in it, I can envision it, I can include myself in the lyrics. I was not able to do these things back then and being able to do it now, makes all the difference.

While I love the fact that I am able to compare how much I have grown mentally and emotionally through music, I am also saddened at the fact that the amount of music that will withstand the test of time like this album has, is almost non existant. Maybe it's because of the memories listening to this album stirs up or maybe it's because I slowly realizing I am aging and this all makes me nostalgic, but 15 years from now, there will only be a small handful of albums that will be able to evoke the feelings Butterfly has for me. I only hope that the youth now is able to look back years from now and listen to an album and fall in love with it again, like I have.

Going through all the tracks in Butterfly, the one that hit me hardest was "Close My Eyes." If this song had been released in present day, I would swear it was written about me. It completely describes what I feel and think and my reflections of self. I am thoroughly impressed with the fact that whoever wrote this was able to put those kind of feelings into words, since I have tried and have not succeeded.

Below are the lyrics, hopefully others can relate as well:

Close My Eyes



I was wayward child

With the weight of the world
That I held deep inside
Life was a winding road
And I learned many things
Little ones shouldn't know

[Chorus:]

But I closed my eyes

Steadied my feet on the ground

Raised my head to the sky

And though time's rolled by

Still feel like a child

As I look at the moon

Maybe I grew up

A little too soon

Funny how one can learn

To grow numb to the madness

And block it away

I left the worst unsaid

Let it all dissipate

And I try to forget

Nearing the edge

Oblivious I almost

Fell right over

A part of me

Will never be quite able

To feel stable

That woman-child falling inside

Was on the verge of fading

Thankfully I

Woke up in time

Guardian angel I

Sail away on an ocean

With you by my side

Orange clouds roll by

They burn into your image

And you're still alive

(You're always alive)

Always Be My Baby

Yesterday was my little brother's prom. I still cannot get over how handsome he looked in his tux with his little bowtie. This past month has been so hard for me to go through because it is finally hitting home that my little brother is not little anymore. He is 18 years old and he is so intelligent, mature, responsible, trustworthy, humble, dependable, witty, wise, funny, handsome...and I could go on and on with nothing but positive adjectives to describe him. I cannot articulate how proud I am of my brother. I have no doubt in my mind he will become whatever he wants to be. He is exceptionally intelligent and motivated and I am confident in him and his abilities.

I've been in love with my little brother since he was born. He's been my little baby for years and now he's an adult with a car, a steady girlfriend, graduating high school and starting an excellent college (NYU) in the fall. It's hard to grasp that without feeling old and without feeling like I could lose him. I guess this is how parents feel when their kids start getting older.

I hope that when my brother looks back on his life, he can see how much I absolutely admire him and adore him unconditionally. I hope he can tell that I do and will support him in all his choices. I hope that he knows that I would give up my life for him without any doubt in my mind. I would do anything for him and I will applaud him like he deserves. I will give him the guidance, praise and assurance that I never got and that I needed at his age. I will encourage him to do what makes him happy and I will ensure he finds happiness.

I hope he notices that I tried to shield him from all the drama that comes with my family and I tried to ensure he had a normal childhood. I hope that he is able to look back on his childhood and have more happy memories than sad ones. I hope he knows that nothing will ever change the amount of love I have for him.

Most importantly, I hope he knows that no matter what happens, no matter how much time goes by, no matter how old we are, no matter the circumstances, he will always, always, always be my little brother.

A Song For You

Am I the only one who tears up every time I hear an Amy Winehouse song? I literally tear up every time.

RIP Amy Jade Winehouse

The one I have the hardest time listening to is her cover of "A Song for You." It's been covered by dozens of artists before her because it is lyrically a beautiful song. She recorded this cover in one sitting in her own home. The session wasnt planned but they say she was emotionally attached to this song and basically wept through the entire recording.

You can definitely hear and feel her emotions while listening to the song. Ultimately, this cover is gut wrenchingly beautiful. In it's own rustic way, it is truly touching and emotionally charged. It brings me to tears every time I hear it. There is one particular part that really hits me hard. She says:

"And when my life is over

Remember, remember, remember

When we were together

And I was singing this song for you"

This song has been deemed her unofficial suicide note and many people think this is why she was so emotional while recording it. It definitely feels like a goodbye to her fans and loved ones and it brings a sense of closure to her posthumous album.

At the end of the song, she talks about Donnie Hathaway, who recorded the most popular cover of this song and who was her all time favorist artist. She says: "Donnie Hathaway...it was like he couldnt contain himself. He had something in him you know." If only she knew that many of us fans felt and still feel that way about her...

I and I

So my life has been completely swallowed up by wedding planning, almost every minute of my day consists of getting something done for this wedding...even though its 5 months away.  Despite all my time being devoted to this, I have to say that I absolutely love love LOVE planning this wedding.

Actually, I love planning and coordinating events in general. I have also taken on planning a July baby shower for a friend. I enjoy the creative process that goes into getting everything together. I enjoy making the phone calls to vendors and to find out information. I love coming up with decor themes and ideas, I just really enjoy the stress. It's invigorating rather than unhealthy. It's the endorphin inducing kind of stress, not the chemical imbalance kind and it is really good for me to feel like this.

I was at quite a low point almost two months ago, but I have to say that I have been feeling better. I have started an exercise routine and have changed my eating habits quite a bit. I am also taking vitamin B12 and fish oil and they have made such a difference in my energy levels and moods. I am generally in good spirits, which is such an accomplishment for me. I have my low, dark moments but it is no longer a consistent feeling. I am working so hard at maintaining myself at this level. It's crazy how much of an effort I have to make to avoid numbness, but it has certainly been worth it. I have accepted that I might never be what some might call "balanced" but the result of the work I put in outweighs the dark, abysmal and gaping hole.




It may seem easy to live numbly but please, promise me, you wont ever forget how to feel



I Still Dont Know What I Stand For

I've been in a funk lately. Let's just say that I have not been very pleasant to be around. After much analysis, and a laundry list of factors that contribute to my mood, I have come to the realization that I make no effort whatsoever to be happy.

I dont know what has given me the impression that happiness just walks in through my front door with no invitation needed. I never seemed to notice that happy people actually work at being happy. To me, it seemed like it was something they were born with and just came naturally to them. And while I do think there are naturally happy people out there, being consistently happy requires work.

I do NOTHING to make myself happy. In fact, I realize I do things that intentionally sabotage my happiness. For example, I have never regretted spending time with friends and yet I find myself constantly turning down invitations to meet up for lunch or to go watch a movie. Why? So I can wallow in loneliness at home? So I can complain about how I never seem to do anything fun? So I can give myself more time to think and analyze myself to death?

I dont really know why I do it. I could argue that being miserable does not require any effort on my part and therefore it is easier to be unhappy, but I would be wrong. Being unhappy requires just as much effort as its counterpart does. Just like you would chose to do things that make you happy, you choose to do things that make you unhappy.

I beleive that, innately, I am an unhappy person. My life has not been filled with things that make the average person innately happy. I did not have a conventional childhood, I did not have loving, supporting, normal parents, I did not do the average things children do in their youth. I didnt get to experience being carefree, or traveling, or playing or even doing the things I wanted to do without worry. I have been responsible my whole life. I have done "the right thing" my whole life... even when the right thing isnt what I really want to do.  Responsibility is all I know. It is what I am comfortable and familiar with. Responsibility doesnt have risks or consequences...there is no fear related to it. And that is the root of my problems.

I dont ever do what I want. I dont ever do what I think is gonna make me happy. I always do what is expected of me. I was expected to be a good student, so I was. I was expected to go college, get a job, be an adult, so I did all those things. Did I really want to do them? I'm not sure. At some point in my life I thought I did. Maybe at some point in my life, I did want to do these things but I am certain that I no longer feel that way. I no longer beleive that any of the things I have accomplished with my life were what I really wanted.

Thinking back, the things I have always really wanted to do have risks attached to them. I've always wanted to write a book, to travel the world, to open up a little coffee shop, but all these things have risks and risk is something I am not comfortable with. In fact, I was taught to avoid them at all costs. Now I see why I feel so little reward from my accomplishments. I have taken no risks. Just like they say the higher the risks, the higher the rewards, I am living proof that the lower the risks, the lower the rewards. At this point in my life, am I too old to start taking risks? How do I walk away from almost 26 years of responsibility? How do I make myself comfortable with doing things that might not be "right" or "responsible?"

I realize my life is not a movie where things always work out in the end. I know this is reality and that the risks I take wont always be rewarding, they will also have consequences. So it comes down to whether I choose to continue living safely or choose to live wildly. If I chose safety, I know things will turn out fine because they are fine now, but I also know I will lose the opportunity that have really lived my life and I could end up regretting it since I will never get it back. If I chose wild, I face the possibility of losing everything I have worked hard for but in my journey to "live" I might stumble upon what truly makes me happy.

Is the mere possibility of finding happiness worth facing the risk of losing the stability I have built? Is being stable worth more than living vs merely existing?

I do not know...I truly do not know.

Title of post is "Some Nights" by fun. Pretty fitting huh?

I'll Carry You Home Tonight

I've been sick as a dog the past 3 weeks. Just when I start to feel better, my throat gets itchy or my nose gets stuffy. Overall, I am feeling 100 times better now than I did 2 weeks ago..I  mean it was so bad, I didnt go to work for a full week.

In more interesting news, I've been looking for new music. I have a process I go through whenever I just get an itch to discover a new band or artist. What I do is keep a running lists of musicians that are mentioned in either magazine articles or randomly on the internet or facebook or if they are on the up and coming artist lists, or on the radio, etc. Then when the mood for a change strikes, I look up their music. I discovered one of my favorite bands, The Black Keys, this way.

I have recently discovered a new band called fun and I think I am going to be LOVING them for a while. They have released 2 albums, one a few years back and one Feb 2012 called Some Nights. Currently, their song "We Are Young" featuring Janelle Monae is being played on the radio non stop and I have to say that I absolutely adore it.

Their album is quite refreshing. There is such an eclectic mix of sounds and styles all mixed together but it flows beautifully. Sometimes they sound like Queen, sometimes they sound like Blink 182, sometimes they sound like Phoenix. Their songs are loud, with harsh beats and undertones in the background. It almost seems noisy but it works so well. The lyrics are clever, insighful and heartfelt. Listening to some songs, I imagine some of the lyrics are literally random thoughts that pop up in the writers mind. They are thoughts we all have and things we all feel but dont express them.

This band doesnt fit any mold and this album is unlike anything I have heard. I went through an array of emotions while listening to Some Nights. It makes you want to dance, to cry, to think, to feel, to sing out loud at the top of your lungs. "We Are Young" makes me want to be free, have fun, live wild...I imagine myself in a crowd of people shouting the chorus at the top of lungs and just feeling like I could live forever.

Like I'm infinite...