I've Never Been So Alive

Last night, I got into a car accident. I was driving, below the speed limit, since it was raining cats and dogs out and it was hard to see. It had been raining for about 2 days straight and there were puddles everywhere and the roads were pretty wet. I guess I must have hit a dent or a small pothole under a large puddle that caused my car to kind of shake and hydroplane on the highway.

I was driving on a 4 lane highway on the last lane on the left. My car did about two 360 degree turns as it was skidding and I ended up all the way on the right shoulder of the highway after my car hit the metal railing.  It just so happened that no cars were near me at the time this was going on and since I ended up on the shoulder, I was out of the way from any oncoming cars.

The damage was pretty bad. The entire back bumper came right off, the trunk is smashed in, along with the backlight on the passenger side. Also,  the backside passenger door got dented in and is jammed shut. However, I was able to turn my car right back on. There was one of those help trucks right up the road from where my car stopped and they were able to help me dispose of the bumper, which was totaled. They also stopped oncoming traffic so I could safely get back on the highway. I drove my car all the way home and made it with no problems.

I got away without a single scratch and so did my two passengers. When I finally got home, I replayed the incident in my head over and over so many times. I cant really explain what happened because it all happened in a split second. I realized that this could have ended so much worse than it did. I could have gone over the railing and ended up in a ditch, the car could have flipped over, I could have hit another car, another car could have hit me, the front of the car could have hit the railing and it would have been totaled, one of us riding in the car could have gotten hurt or ended up in the hospital, it could have been a pile up,etc. So many could've, would've, should'ves.

Then I stopped torturing myself and realized I'M ALIVE.

Who the hell cares what could have happened? None of it did. Why stress myself with something that did not occur? I walked away unscathed and so did my passengers. No other cars were involved. Even the railing I hit got no damage. I am so incredibly fortunate to be able to live to tell this story, to joke about it, write about and remember it. I am so damn lucky to have been able to get home and to be able to wake up this morning, in my own bed, with absolutely no pain whatsoever. I am so lucky to simply be alive.

When I realized this I completely broke down. I had to compose myself, put myself back together and simply thank God. It was not my time to go. This situation could have had so many terribly tragic outcomes but it was not my time. I didnt know how much I truly love my life until I realized that it could have been taken away from me in a matter of seconds. I didnt know I could feel so appreciative and thankful for what I have until I faced the possibility of not having it at all.

I've never felt so alive...until I realized that I could have been dead

...But It's Not Like Christmas At All

In an effort to get into the "Christmas spirit," I've been listening to Christmas music for the past week. I'm not sure why the spirit hast hit me yet...maybe it's the weather still being so warm or maybe it's because I'm broke.

In any case, there are some really nice Christmas songs out there. They did manage to get me in a cheery mood for a bit. I think these are my top 5 favorite songs:

Top 5 Favorite Christmas Songs

1. Baby Please Come Home

2. Last Christmas

3. Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree

4.Merry Christmas Baby

5. Baby It's Cold Outside

I like the original versions of each song..the classic ones by Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Rosemary Clooney, etc. Those versions make me nostalgic and happy at the same time. 

Your Love Is Gonna Drown

Normally the holidays would be a time of joy for most people, but then there are a group of people that hate the holidays and it only brings sadness to them. This year, I think I am a part of the sad holiday crew.

The holidays are reminding me of all the things that no longer exist. Things I had and things that were and could never be again. There is an emptiness and a void stemming from the fact that nothing is that way it was and nothing is the way it should be. The way I want it to be...the way it could be. I feel empty and I feel lonely.

So fucking lonely.


Title of post is from "Marching Bands of Manhattan" by Death Cab for Cutie

I'm So Tired, I Can't Even Cry

It is amazing what the human body is capable of. I never thought that I could do so many things with my body without it snapping or breaking in half. I have been working with a personal trainer up to three times a week for the past 4 weeks and every workout session, I surprise myself with what I am capable of doing. Every time I think I cant lift another pound or move another inch, I push through it and end up doing way more than I mentally thought I would be able to.

It is hard to understand how incredibly simple it is to just do it. Even if you think you cant, you literally just push the weight and do it. If you think your arms are gonna fall off, keep going. If your legs are jelly, just run a little more and you will be stunned at how much more you can do.Your body really does stay together and recover. If only life were this simple too...

In other news, I've been listening to this song non-stop. I can really relate right now...plus I still miss Amy. Her label and family are releasing a new album with some demos and unfinished songs she was working on before she passed. Definitely looking forward to it.

Here is "What It Is" by Amy Winehouse

The Holidays Are a Comin'!

Today is Halloween. I dont know about anyone else, but this is my least favorite holiday of the year. Actually, let me be completely honest. I HATE Halloween, I really do. Mostly, it's because everything on TV is about haunted this and haunted that. All the horror movies get played. Everything is about ghosts, vampires, witches, etc. I am the biggest wuss on the planet. I cannot deal with things that involve paranormal events. It is foolishly one of my biggest fears...I just cannot deal with things that I cant see or control.

The only good thing about this time of year is that Thanksgving is closer. I decided I wanted to have Thanksgiving dinner in my new apartment this year. It's big enough for my whole family to fit. This way, all drama can be avoided because I will kick people out of my apartment if they dont act right. My mom can cook the turkey in my place and I'll make all the side dishes if she wants. My focus is to make this holiday the least dramatic and the happiest as possible.

I am excited to provide a happy and safe environment for my niece and nephews this year and I want to make this a tradition for them, so they could love and look forward to this time of year. Hmm...maybe I'll make a good mom...isnt that a motherly to feel that way? I'm scaring myself

I've Sorted Out My Life..My Tragic Life

I need to get back into the flow of blogging more often. I realized it has been almost a month since my last blog. I guess I'll just list some things I have been up to:

1. Spending lots and lots of time with three beautiful and perfect babies

Aaron, Alyssa and Alex

2. Enjoying I Am The Avalanche's new album "Avalanche United" Good job guys!
I love how eventhough Vinny is the lead singer, he is not in the center of the picture of the album cover. The message this sends is that although he is technically the "frontman" they are a band and he is not the only one to represent them. :)

3. Still trying to make my new apartment a home. It's still a bit empty but I'm getting there

4. Really feeling good ever since I started my non-processed foods diet. I am only eating natural and healthy things. Nothing boxed or canned, no carbs at all and absolutely no fast food anymore. I've been doing it for 2 weeks and I feel amazing. I cook all my meals and eat a ridiculous amounts of vegetables daily. I have more strenght and energy and I automatically wake up after 7 hrs of sleep without a problem. I am super surprised at what an overall difference I feel from just removing all the crap I used to eat from my diet.

5. I joined a Fitness Study where I get three 30 minute sessions with a professional trainer every week for 3 weeks. It's to test out the level of fitness in people who dont work out on a regular basis (yours truly). They took all my stats (weight, bmi, body fat percentage, etc) and then they will take them again at the end of the three weeks and compare them to show that just working out 3 times a week makes a difference. I've done one complete week and the soreness in my body has never felt so good.

6. Almost done watching Season 3 of True Bloodand hating that I have to wait til Season 4 comes out to watch it on DVD.

7. Absolutely hating that I'm too cheap to pay for Showtime so I am missing Season 6 of Dexter. I miss you Dexter!! Also, as of Season 5, Debra doesnt annoy me as much as she did in the first 4 seasons...weird

8. Seriously deciding whether I want to remain at current place of my employment or take a risk and find something with another company. The pay is not increasing but my responsibility is and the flexibility my company provides me is no longer worth it. Also, maybe I want to go back to school to get my masters...but I dont know if I'm ready for that just yet

9. Looking for ways to spend some quality time with Victor

10. Really enjoying the fall weather and the season in general. Loving all the cinnamon, nutmeg and pumpkin. Unfortunately, I dont drink pumpkin lattes anymore but I make my own coffee with pumpkin spice in it :) I am also looking forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas and making sure these holidays are extra special for the triplets :)

Title post is from "Holy Fuck" by I Am The Avalanche

Everyday It Will Rain

I am really liking the new Bruno Mars song "It Will Rain" for the Breaking Dawn movie soundtrack. Not only am I excited for the movie ( I have no shame in admitting this) but I think the song is beautiful.

I personally really like Bruno Mars. He has a soulful, melodic voice that emulates the styles of the 50's and 60's when there were Doo Wop groups. I love that era of music and really enjoy how harmonizing and acapella singing was emphasized back then. Bruno brings that into his music present day, so it makes it obvious that he really does have a wonderful voice. I have seen him in concert before and I have to say he is pretty amazing...and short too lol.

Anyway, the song is supposed to be about the dark side of love. As we all know, love is not all butterflies and roses. There are times where we go places in our heads that brings out the most shameful types of behavior in us. This song is about figuring out what to do with yourself when your love walks away. You lose yourself in someone else and when that person is no longer there, you dont even remember who you are without them anymore. I am thinking this is from Jacob's point of view when Bella marries Edward and he realizes there is no longer a possibility of anything happening between him and Bella.

Here is a link to the song because for some reason, I cant paste the video on here: It Will Rain