I Still Dont Know What I Stand For

I've been in a funk lately. Let's just say that I have not been very pleasant to be around. After much analysis, and a laundry list of factors that contribute to my mood, I have come to the realization that I make no effort whatsoever to be happy.

I dont know what has given me the impression that happiness just walks in through my front door with no invitation needed. I never seemed to notice that happy people actually work at being happy. To me, it seemed like it was something they were born with and just came naturally to them. And while I do think there are naturally happy people out there, being consistently happy requires work.

I do NOTHING to make myself happy. In fact, I realize I do things that intentionally sabotage my happiness. For example, I have never regretted spending time with friends and yet I find myself constantly turning down invitations to meet up for lunch or to go watch a movie. Why? So I can wallow in loneliness at home? So I can complain about how I never seem to do anything fun? So I can give myself more time to think and analyze myself to death?

I dont really know why I do it. I could argue that being miserable does not require any effort on my part and therefore it is easier to be unhappy, but I would be wrong. Being unhappy requires just as much effort as its counterpart does. Just like you would chose to do things that make you happy, you choose to do things that make you unhappy.

I beleive that, innately, I am an unhappy person. My life has not been filled with things that make the average person innately happy. I did not have a conventional childhood, I did not have loving, supporting, normal parents, I did not do the average things children do in their youth. I didnt get to experience being carefree, or traveling, or playing or even doing the things I wanted to do without worry. I have been responsible my whole life. I have done "the right thing" my whole life... even when the right thing isnt what I really want to do.  Responsibility is all I know. It is what I am comfortable and familiar with. Responsibility doesnt have risks or consequences...there is no fear related to it. And that is the root of my problems.

I dont ever do what I want. I dont ever do what I think is gonna make me happy. I always do what is expected of me. I was expected to be a good student, so I was. I was expected to go college, get a job, be an adult, so I did all those things. Did I really want to do them? I'm not sure. At some point in my life I thought I did. Maybe at some point in my life, I did want to do these things but I am certain that I no longer feel that way. I no longer beleive that any of the things I have accomplished with my life were what I really wanted.

Thinking back, the things I have always really wanted to do have risks attached to them. I've always wanted to write a book, to travel the world, to open up a little coffee shop, but all these things have risks and risk is something I am not comfortable with. In fact, I was taught to avoid them at all costs. Now I see why I feel so little reward from my accomplishments. I have taken no risks. Just like they say the higher the risks, the higher the rewards, I am living proof that the lower the risks, the lower the rewards. At this point in my life, am I too old to start taking risks? How do I walk away from almost 26 years of responsibility? How do I make myself comfortable with doing things that might not be "right" or "responsible?"

I realize my life is not a movie where things always work out in the end. I know this is reality and that the risks I take wont always be rewarding, they will also have consequences. So it comes down to whether I choose to continue living safely or choose to live wildly. If I chose safety, I know things will turn out fine because they are fine now, but I also know I will lose the opportunity that have really lived my life and I could end up regretting it since I will never get it back. If I chose wild, I face the possibility of losing everything I have worked hard for but in my journey to "live" I might stumble upon what truly makes me happy.

Is the mere possibility of finding happiness worth facing the risk of losing the stability I have built? Is being stable worth more than living vs merely existing?

I do not know...I truly do not know.

Title of post is "Some Nights" by fun. Pretty fitting huh?

I'll Carry You Home Tonight

I've been sick as a dog the past 3 weeks. Just when I start to feel better, my throat gets itchy or my nose gets stuffy. Overall, I am feeling 100 times better now than I did 2 weeks ago..I  mean it was so bad, I didnt go to work for a full week.

In more interesting news, I've been looking for new music. I have a process I go through whenever I just get an itch to discover a new band or artist. What I do is keep a running lists of musicians that are mentioned in either magazine articles or randomly on the internet or facebook or if they are on the up and coming artist lists, or on the radio, etc. Then when the mood for a change strikes, I look up their music. I discovered one of my favorite bands, The Black Keys, this way.

I have recently discovered a new band called fun and I think I am going to be LOVING them for a while. They have released 2 albums, one a few years back and one Feb 2012 called Some Nights. Currently, their song "We Are Young" featuring Janelle Monae is being played on the radio non stop and I have to say that I absolutely adore it.

Their album is quite refreshing. There is such an eclectic mix of sounds and styles all mixed together but it flows beautifully. Sometimes they sound like Queen, sometimes they sound like Blink 182, sometimes they sound like Phoenix. Their songs are loud, with harsh beats and undertones in the background. It almost seems noisy but it works so well. The lyrics are clever, insighful and heartfelt. Listening to some songs, I imagine some of the lyrics are literally random thoughts that pop up in the writers mind. They are thoughts we all have and things we all feel but dont express them.

This band doesnt fit any mold and this album is unlike anything I have heard. I went through an array of emotions while listening to Some Nights. It makes you want to dance, to cry, to think, to feel, to sing out loud at the top of your lungs. "We Are Young" makes me want to be free, have fun, live wild...I imagine myself in a crowd of people shouting the chorus at the top of lungs and just feeling like I could live forever.

Like I'm infinite...

The Most Beautiful Song of All Time

When I was a little girl, my parents listened to a very famous and very talented singer/poet named Juan Luis Guerra. If you mention him to any Dominican person, they know exactly who he is. He is like the Bob Dylan/Bruce Springsteen of Dominican Republic.

Basically, Juan Luis Guerra turns his poems into music. So his songs are not only pleasant to the ear but they are also lyrically beautiful. I am in constant search of artists that are exceptional writers. To me, lyrics are more important that the sound of the artist. There are a lot of people out there that sing fantastically but to be able to both write and sing well is rare.

With that said, I was listening to some old Spanish songs I grew up with. One of them is a Juan Luis Guerra song called "Burbujas de Amor." I have to say that this has to be the most beautiful love song ever written. The imagery expressed in this song is out of this world. The meaning get lost in the translation into English but basically he discusses how he wishes he was a fish that would forever be wet with this love he feels for a woman. He would touch his nose to his fish tank and make love bubbles all over the tank. He would make silhouettes of love under the moonlight and he talks about how just the sound of her voice makes him weak. It all sounds so strange in English, but I guarantee you ask any Spanish person and they will understand.

In any case, I have never heard a more beautiful metaphor for love. It stirred up a lot of memories and I was overcome with nostalgia about the past and my childhood. I dont often think about my childhood, but this song took me right back and man did I break down. I had such a strong connection to my past through this song that I could have sworn I was 8 years old again. I remembered my parents listening to this song, I remembered when I first heard it. I remembered how simple life was during that time.

Mostly, I remember my dad and I cried like a baby because I realized how much I miss him. I would do anything to have my dad back. Remembering how he used to be really opened my eyes to how much he has changed and this realization has left me helplessly broken. 

To Sacrifice But Knowing to Survive

I made a huge decision a few minutes ago...I have decided that I am going back to school to get my Master's degree.

And I'm scared....quite shitless

I have been out of school for almost 5 years now. I've always wanted to get my Master's but I have kept putting it off for years now. The best time would have been right after I got my Bachelor's since I was still in school mode but instead I needed a break. It was initially supposed to be a short break, like a year or so, but it has turned into a 5 year break.

I dont know how to get into the flow of school again. My last year in college, I worked 32 hours a week at a hotel and I was a Resident Assistant at school. The stress of work and school contributed to my mental downfall. I am scared that I might be overexerting myself again since I work so many hours at IBM. I dont even know how I will find time to take classes or much less study.

I could keep putting it off but when I make up my mind about something, there is no turning back for me. Something clicked this morning and this is an official decision. I am going to apply for Fordham Grad School since I got my Bachelor of Science there, but I think I'll aim a bit higher and perhaps try NYU or Columbia Grad schools. I mean, if I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna go all out and aim for the best. I also have to think about the financial aspect of this decision, so I might have to choose cheaper schools but I'll figure the details out as I go.

I'm terrified that this wont work out or that I'll fail, but I never want to look back and regret not doing this. If my mind is made up, I cannot and will not let fear stand in my way. I've always known sacrifices result in rewards and I have always survived all my sacrifices.

This one will not be any different

Title post is "Walk" by the Foo Fighters

And I'll Love You Always

I've been planning my wedding and so far it is really not as simple as I thought it would be. I really don't want this whole big event with 200 people and a catering hall. Truly I want the most minimal type wedding. I am not the Cinderella kind...I wouldn't have minded eloping in Vegas to be honest.

However, we decided to have an actual ceremony. When I picture myself getting married, I see myself on a beach so we have decided to do a destination wedding in Dominican Republic. I love the appeal of waves in the background and pictures with the sunset and my feet dipped in the ocean.

I want something simple, minimal, and elegant with a touch of vintage. The more minimal and simple things are, the better. I want everything to be white, including flowers and decor and have a pop of an accent color. I'm thinking yellow. I would also want the bridal party to all wear white too and I think it would be beautiful if all guests were dressed in white as well.

With the simplicity of my requests, I thought this would be an easy thing to plan. It really, really isn't. There are so many little things involved...invitations, music, decor, menu, etc. Decisions, decisions, decisions!

 

Title of post is "Part One" by Band of Horses

My Worst Addictions

Has anyone noticed that Netflix has a shit ton of TV shows available for instant viewing now? At first, there were only a few ones there but now, they have EVERYTHING. Even National Geographic shows and How It's Made, Wicked Attraction, The Wonder Years, etc.

I have been on a TV show rampage lately. All I do is watch TV shows on Netflix. Mostly I'm stuck on How I Met Your Mother and Vampire Diaries. I'm obsessed really...it's pretty sad. How I Met Your Mother is HILARIOUS!!  Like roll on the floor, slap your leg, wiggle around, laugh like I've never laughed before hilarious. I swear there have been many a times where I have had to catch my breath from how funny this show is. I just love the relationships between all the characters on the show and I think it's so corny in the most hilarious way possible. I absolutely love this show!

Vampire Diaries is so entertaining. The show has so many twists and turns. There is always a surprise in each episode that keeps you on your toes. There is enough action and enough talk that you don't get bored either way. The story line is thrilling and exciting and everyone hooks up with each other. Overall, the show is hot and sexy. The three main actors are all so good looking. I just love the mystery behind the characters and the show in general. Plus, I'm a sucker for vampire romances. Trust me, this is no Twilight though. There is violence, blood, guts and sex here.

I'm also obsessed with The Walking Dead and Dexter :) I see a pattern..I seem to like dark, disturbing shows lol (with the exception of How I Met Your Mother) There's a bunch of other shows on my Netflix queue that I cant wait to start watching (United States of Tara mostly lol). This works out well for me since I'm trying not to go out and spend money all year

I'm Still Around

It seems like I have less and less time to myself nowadays. I literally have not been able to find 20 min to post on my blog. There are so many things going on right now. I have a very bad habit of always keeping myself super busy and working on some sort of project.

Here's an update of whats been going on so far:

1. Work-As much as I hate what I do, apparently I am good at it. I recently got a very unexpected promotion. I am now a balance sheet lead for global technological services at IBM. So I manage the companies technological assets and liabilties. This was truly unexpected as I had only been in my dept for less than a year, but I accepted the promotion for the challenge and the fact that it would look great on my resume. I hope I dont regret my decision

2. Family-The triplets turned one last week and I planned their birthday party. It was a small get together just for our families. I enjoyed planning it and everything turned out great. I spend a lot of my free time with the triplets and my sister. As crazy as those kids can get, I start to miss them if I dont see them every few days. I want to be a huge part of their life and I want to make sure they know and understand this. I never want them to miss me.

3. Relationship-So Victor and I just recently celebrated our seven year anniversary on the 9th of this month. I am absolutely certain that he is the one for me and after seven years together, and almost 2 years of being engaged, I finally decided to get these wedding plans started. We have decided on a destination wedding to Dominican Republic in October of this year. So I have been busy looking up wedding ideas and locations so I can finalize everything ASAP. I know that I'll blink and it will be Sept and I'll have nothing done, so I'm making sure to start early. I am enjoying planning this and it will definitely keep me busy for most of the year.

4. Health-I stepped off the exercize wagon  when I went to DR in December and I thought I would just climb back on but it has proven to be difficult. I am definitely gonna get myself back on, especially since I am going to have to go wedding dress shopping in a few months. I refuse to not look and feel my best on my wedding day.

5. Other-Along with the wedding planning, I am working on trying to finish decorating my apartment. I plan to stay here for quite some time while we save up to buy a house, so I want it to be comfortable and beautiful. So far, it feels large and empty so I have a few DIY projects I'm gonna start working on to fill up empty wall space.

I am also working on getting rid of all my debt by the end of this year. I am taking this so seriously, it's not even funny. I havent been going out at all and I have been so broke this whole year because I am sending ludicrous amounts of money to pay off my credit cards. I even set up this spreadsheet where I can cross off things as I pay them and I'll know how much credit I have available and where to move around my balances so that I could pay the least interest. This is no joke to me

I am excited about this year. I think I am gonna get a lot accomplished and I have a lot to look forward to.