I dont know what has given me the impression that happiness just walks in through my front door with no invitation needed. I never seemed to notice that happy people actually work at being happy. To me, it seemed like it was something they were born with and just came naturally to them. And while I do think there are naturally happy people out there, being consistently happy requires work.
I do NOTHING to make myself happy. In fact, I realize I do things that intentionally sabotage my happiness. For example, I have never regretted spending time with friends and yet I find myself constantly turning down invitations to meet up for lunch or to go watch a movie. Why? So I can wallow in loneliness at home? So I can complain about how I never seem to do anything fun? So I can give myself more time to think and analyze myself to death?
I dont really know why I do it. I could argue that being miserable does not require any effort on my part and therefore it is easier to be unhappy, but I would be wrong. Being unhappy requires just as much effort as its counterpart does. Just like you would chose to do things that make you happy, you choose to do things that make you unhappy.
I beleive that, innately, I am an unhappy person. My life has not been filled with things that make the average person innately happy. I did not have a conventional childhood, I did not have loving, supporting, normal parents, I did not do the average things children do in their youth. I didnt get to experience being carefree, or traveling, or playing or even doing the things I wanted to do without worry. I have been responsible my whole life. I have done "the right thing" my whole life... even when the right thing isnt what I really want to do. Responsibility is all I know. It is what I am comfortable and familiar with. Responsibility doesnt have risks or consequences...there is no fear related to it. And that is the root of my problems.
I dont ever do what I want. I dont ever do what I think is gonna make me happy. I always do what is expected of me. I was expected to be a good student, so I was. I was expected to go college, get a job, be an adult, so I did all those things. Did I really want to do them? I'm not sure. At some point in my life I thought I did. Maybe at some point in my life, I did want to do these things but I am certain that I no longer feel that way. I no longer beleive that any of the things I have accomplished with my life were what I really wanted.
Thinking back, the things I have always really wanted to do have risks attached to them. I've always wanted to write a book, to travel the world, to open up a little coffee shop, but all these things have risks and risk is something I am not comfortable with. In fact, I was taught to avoid them at all costs. Now I see why I feel so little reward from my accomplishments. I have taken no risks. Just like they say the higher the risks, the higher the rewards, I am living proof that the lower the risks, the lower the rewards. At this point in my life, am I too old to start taking risks? How do I walk away from almost 26 years of responsibility? How do I make myself comfortable with doing things that might not be "right" or "responsible?"
I realize my life is not a movie where things always work out in the end. I know this is reality and that the risks I take wont always be rewarding, they will also have consequences. So it comes down to whether I choose to continue living safely or choose to live wildly. If I chose safety, I know things will turn out fine because they are fine now, but I also know I will lose the opportunity that have really lived my life and I could end up regretting it since I will never get it back. If I chose wild, I face the possibility of losing everything I have worked hard for but in my journey to "live" I might stumble upon what truly makes me happy.
Is the mere possibility of finding happiness worth facing the risk of losing the stability I have built? Is being stable worth more than living vs merely existing?
I do not know...I truly do not know.
Title of post is "Some Nights" by fun. Pretty fitting huh?
