Can We Get Much Higher?

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. Mine was full of drama as usual. I was caught off guard though because I really thought that there would be none this year, but what's a holiday without drama? I am resigned to accept that this is what is to be expected every year. Sadly, its not even boyfriend/fiance drama, it's even worse....FAMILY drama. I say worse because I can't really get rid of them the way I could get rid of a man that brings me problems. I am stuck with these people for life.

Despite my darkness, I made an effort to make my home look Christmas-y. I put up a tree and lights everywhere. I really LOVE the lights I put on my best post and I think I am gonna keep them there all year round. They look so beautiful at night. It gives the room a nice glow.

In other happier news, I got some really awesome gifts this Christmas. One was my Amazon Kindle. This bad boy has not left my side for the last 4 days. I have downloaded a few books and have already completed one of them. I decided to read the Vampire Diaries series because I think that I am a teenager and so that is what I read. Don't you dare judge me! I always find that books are better than movies or, in this case, TV shows, but I have to say that I like the TV show better than the books so far. I am currently on Volume II so maybe it gets better.

Most importantly, Mr. Magic has been replaced. My mom got me a new Chi flat iron!!! I will call him Mr. Magic II. Boy did I miss this flat iron. A few days ago I washed my hair but didn't have my blow drier so I just left it curly. The next day, when it was all dry and frizzy, I remembered that I had a new Mr. Magic so I tested it out and let me tell you that this flat iron is magical. It made my very curly hair straight and silky smooth without blow drying first! Also, I didn't put anything in my hair at all. I wish I would have taken before and after pics but I was in such awe that I didn't even think about it.

Lastly, I got some other things like a Snuggie (I love it! Don't judge!), some nice lotion and other beauty products, a purse, and some really cool coffee mugs. I got the new Kanye West CD, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, for Victor and I have been listening to it non stop so far. I like all types of music, as long as the music is talented. I will be honest, there are not much "talented" rappers out there but Kanye West is definitely one of them. The CD is really, really good and I love that he worked with Justin Vernon from Bon Iver (one of my fav Indie bands). I definitely recommend for everyone to listen to it. I know Kanye is a cocky little shit but keep the artist separated from the music and you will see that he really is talented. I can't pick a favorite song yet, so far I think its "Monster," but "Power" and "Runaway" are close second.

New Blog

I have set up my Weight loss blog. It will be called The Pursuit of Healthiness. It is not final yet, but I do have two posts up. I will be making changes and updates because I am not certain about the background and template designs yet. I am also still working on how I want the blog to work and what I want to gain from it.

You can check it out if you want for now, but there will probably be changes coming soon. I want it to be up and running by Jan 1st, 2011. That is when I will start to post weekly with pics and progress. I will still continue this blog though. My new blog is only for lifestyle change related things, but this one will be for me to post the usual crap that goes through my head. Below is the link to The Pursuit of Healthiness:

http://pursuitofhealthy.blogspot.com/

Let me know what you think

I Need You So Much Closer

Sometimes we feel that nobody has ever been through what we have been through and that nobody has ever felt the way we have felt. The truth is that, somewhere in this vast world, there is a person going through the same thing you are. Or there is someone who has already been through it.

One of the things that amazes me the most is when I find music that feels like it was written for me. Sometimes the lyrics in a song say exactly what I cannot say or don't know how to say. It is comforting to know that other people who have no idea who I am, have felt what I am currently feeling.

This is the case with the song "Transatlanticism" by Death Cab for Cutie. As many of you know, I love, love, love Death Cab. There is something about their music that really hits home with me. At this moment, this song is saying everything that I have not been able to say to an important person in my life. I need him so much closer...I need him.

I Should Have Known, I Should Have Known

I have a guilty pleasure that I am going to confess. I have come to terms with it and I am no longer ashamed of it. Here it goes:

I ABSOLUTELY ADORE TAYLOR SWIFT!!

There! I said it and I wont take it back because it's true. I love Taylor Swift. I think she is amazing. She is an excellent role model to young girls and she seems so genuine and authentic. She writes all her songs and you can tell they are personal to her by the way she sings them. Not only that, but the lyrics are pretty damn good for someone so young. Even though she is considered a country singer, I really enjoy her songs. She still has innocence and has not been jaded completely by the world yet, but at the same time, she knows a thing or two about life.


Right now her song "White Horse" is stuck in my head. The chorus of this song really hit me:

"I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around"

I don't think she will ever know how deeply those lyrics affected me. One of my biggest flaws is that deep down, I am a dreamer. I used to believe in fairy tales, I used to think that movies were based off real life but damn Taylor said it so well with this chorus. Life is not a fairy tale and we are not in Hollywood. I was once dreamer but I've been let down so many times already that I refuse to do it anymore. Dreaming has only gotten me hurt.

This was a much needed wake up call and sadly enough, I am resigned to be bitter the rest of my life.

Then I Guess I'll Just Begin Again

I m super duper exhausted today. I only slept about 3 hrs last night and cant keep my eyes open. Work is a little slow right now so I have no motivation to do anything, on top of the fact that I have a massive migraine.

I have so much going through my head right now but I find it very hard to articulate, so I wont. There are things going on in my family that I have been struggling with for months. Once I sort my feelings out and come to terms with them, I will share. Though it is personal, my blog is a way for me to track what I go through from time to time. I have looked back on several posts and realize many things that I would never remember had I not posted it.

In other news, I am really excited about a big change that I am making in my life. I have decided to start a "lifestyle" change and eliminate all unhealthy, processed, fattening foods from my life. I have also decided to start a workout regimen and found a work out buddy who is just as serious as I am.

This change will be very difficult and I know that I will have minimal support. For some reason, when people find out that I am only eating healthy, they delibaretly try to sabotage my plan. They think that because I am not "obese" that I should eat what I want. They dont understand that I am unhappy with the way I look, and although I am not obese, I certainly am not thin. Eating what I want is what has made me unhappy and I am trying to do something about it.

I am more determined than ever to do this for good. I have already started making changes and I have also decided to start a "Weight Loss Blog" as well. At first, I was going to make it private but I decided not to anymore. I think that there are many people in my exact same predicament who might just need to see someone just like them making a big change. Also, it will motivate me more because I know that people might come across the blog and would like to see results.

I'll post more information when I get everything set up. It feels good to have something to look forward to. A goal to attain. A reason to wake up in the morning. Every so often, I wake up happy to be alive. I really should cherish those moments more often.

Happy Holidays

Title of post is from "Ready to Start" by Arcade Fire

...And Be Reminded That, For Me, It Isn't Over

I have an obsession with British music. I think there are some really great artists that hail from the UK. That being said, I have been patiently and anxiously waiting for Adele to come out with a new album. I absolutely adored her first album "19." It was excellent, truly excellent. I adore this girls voice. It is powerful yet sweet, rough yet smooth, all the while being silky and melodic.

While reading my most recent edition of Rolling Stone magazine (LOVE this magazine), I see that Adele will be realeasing a new album called "21" in early 2011. She also has a new single out!!!! It's called "Rolling in the Deep" and it is awesome!! Click on the link to listen. It has a great old school, upbeat southern feel to it. She also lost some weight and she looks even more beautiful than before.

I also found that she has been performing another new song off her new album. It's called "Someone Like You" and holy shit is this song beautiful. It is amazingly poignant and touching. I cannot stop listening to it and every time I hear it, I feel the need to hold back tears. I am a true sucker for ballads and this is a perfect one. PERFECT. The piano melody is beautifully sad. The lyrics are heart wrenching and her voice is laced with the perfect amount of pain for the song.

You best believe I will be purchasing this album as soon as it comes out.

Wasted Time and Broken Dreams

In an attempt to get out of my "back to work" funk, I put up a mini Christmas tree in my office cubicle. (See pic on the left) I thought it would cheer me up and get me into the holiday spirit at work, but it did just the opposite. It looks like the saddest tree to ever exist. Every time I look at it, I get more depressed. The picture makes it look worse than in person...and that depresses me even more.

I couldn't sleep last night. I kept thinking about my father. I have had a pretty volatile relationship with him but we have gotten along well the past few years. Actually, we have gotten along ever since I moved out of my parents house a few years ago. When I was younger and dumb, I resented my father for many reasons. I didn't agree with the way I was being raised and I didn't agree with his beliefs. Now that I am older, I understand that he was just trying to protect me and had my best interest at heart, even though it didn't really work the way he thought it would.

I have come to realize that my father is a good man. He has a good heart and wants what is best for everyone but he does not know how to express it. My father seems like he is full of anger but it's because that is the only emotion he is comfortable expressing. He has no filter from brain to mouth and will just blurt out what he is thinking. He comes across as an ogre and he can be very hurtful with his words. He can often be demeaning and spiteful with what he says and sometimes he can be considered verbally abusive.

I spent the night analysing him and trying to understand where his anger is rooted. In my analysis, I realized that my father is a very insecure person. He has many complexes and he cares so much about what others think about him. I think my father has spent his whole life waiting for his own father to show pride in him and approve of him, but my grandfather died and never got around to show him. He will never know if his own father was proud of him. He doesn't feel validated or important because the only approval he ever seeked was never given to him. So he walks around making himself out to be an important, powerful person knowing he is not and I guess that his insecurity makes him angry.

My father is also a very highly intelligent person. He is definitely one of those people that is so smart, they are borderline mental. He has so many theories of why things happen and has many paranoid thoughts, he thinks everyone is out to get him. He hates capitalism, hates the government, hates religions, celebrations, etc. There is always a conspiracy theory behind everything and I think its to make up for what he believes are his failures. His paranoia is an excuse.

I noticed and figured out so many things about him last night, but there was only one thing that affected me. I realized that my father is a very, very unhappy man. He drinks his sorrows away and finds solace at the bottom of an empty bottle. I think he expected to be someone else and is disappointed. I think he had a vision of what he wanted his life to be like and it isn't that. He thought he would be a millionaire by now. His life consists of things that he cant find happiness in and he has resigned himself to that. He isn't drinking to relax and wind down like most do, he is drinking to die. He once told me that the reason he drinks so much is to forget. At the time, I was young and didn't understand what he was trying to forget but I understand it now.

He is drinking to forget his unhappiness, his insecurities, his failures, his misery, his mistakes, his complexes, his unfulfilled desires, his lack of recognition...he is drinking to forget his existence. My father is a very unhappy man and has been for quite some time.

Realizing this kills me and the child in me is thinking it's my fault. Maybe if I would have behaved better...or maybe if I wouldn't have argued so much with him, maybe if I would have focused more on school, maybe if I would have become a doctor or went to a better school, or maybe if I would have stayed living at home...so many maybes. The adult in me knows that it's nothing that I did, that it's not my fault but I cant help but think that I have failed him.

It is a continuous struggle to balance what I give to my father and what he takes from me. My father has let me down more times than I can count. He has taken more than he gives. I have had to lower my expectations of him as a father in order to never be let down again, but what if he has had to do the same of me as his daughter? Should I give more of myself and continue to expect nothing in return? Do I stop trying to make him happy? Do I work harder to please him? I am so torn. I don't want to lose myself in trying to make him happy if he has resigned to his misery but I also don't want to feel like I gave up on him.

My father seems like an arrogant, angry, insecure, old fashioned, alcoholic ogre but in reality he is a lost little boy whose dreams never came true and no matter what happens and no matter how much he continues to hurt me, I forgive him. I know he will never apologize to me but I'm ok with that because I will continue to forgive him. He is not perfect, but he is my father and nothing will ever change that.

Title post from "These Days" by The Black Keys

All I Want for Christmas

I was trying to come up with a Wish List for Christmas and I realized that the older I get, the less gifts I want. Christmas is becoming less about gifts and more about spending time with loved ones and just reveling in the holiday spirit.

When I was younger, I used to have a whole list of material things that I wanted and thought I needed. It ranged from toys to clothes to games, and so on. Now, I can only come up with one material thing that I actually need and one that I want but dont really need. The rest of the things I really want are intangible, but mean the most to me.

I guess I am starting to realize that, to me, Christmas is not about gifts and spending money. It is more about preparing myself for a new year to come and giving myself a chance to be born again. Its about realizing what is important to me and being thankful that I am able to gift those I love. It's about reflecting over the past year and counting all the little things as my "gifts."

So here is my Christmas Wish List:

1. Another year to actually live my life
2. Happiness
3. Experience
4. Wisdom
5. Comfort and Security
6. Chi Flat Iron (this is something that I actually do need)
7. Amazon Kindle (dont really need it, just want it)

I don't know when I became such a poster child for a holiday Lifetime movie, but deal with it!

Happy Holidays!!

If You Give Up New York...

I havent been writing as often as I like because I have been busier than usual at work. I have like 4 blog posts started but I have not had a chance to complete, so I am gonna try to complete them now.

As you all know, I went to see Kings of Leon last week. I have been obsessed with their new album "Come Around Sundown" for the past month. One song that really stood out to me was "The Face" particularly because of the following lyric:

"If you give up New York

I"ll give you Tennessee

The only place to be"

I just love the meaning behind this lyric. It is truly a fair proposition. He is asking someone to give up where they are from, a place they love and feel comfortable in, a place they call home. However, in return, he will not let this person feel lost or misplaced, he will give this person his home (Kings of Leon are from Tennessee). He knows that he is asking for so much but he is offering just as much in return. I think this is an ultimate declaration of love on both sides. To give up part of who you are, only to receive part of someone else. The thought is daunting and yet so beautiful. I am so impressed that with this simple lyric, I can feel these emotions.

Another reason this lyric resounds with me is that it makes me really think about the enormity that is New York. There truly is nothing like it in the entire world. I always say that I dont want to spend the rest of my life in New York, and that is true, but this has made me think about what it would feel like when I am finally ready give it up. New York is all I have known. It has been one of the factors in my life that has molded me and shaped me into who I am today.

New York is not an easy place to live in. Its expensive and noisy, it's an all or nothing type of city, dog eat dog, survival of the fittest and not everyone is made for a place like this. But while it has its bad qualities, it is also booming with diversity, culture, lights, sounds, music, people, fashion, cuisine, etc. There are things seen here that you wont see anywhere else and I have finally learned to appreciate the fact that I have had the opportunity to experience this wonderful city. I have also realized that I am not yet ready to give it up....

The Face (HQ) by Kings of Leon (lyrics) - These bloopers are hilarious

I Like to Dance All Night...

Last Tuesday, Nov 16th, 2010, I went to see Kings of Leon at Madison Square Garden! It was awesome! I had a blast! I swear me going to a concert, is like telling a kid they are going to Disney. We act the same way.

I had a lot of fun. They played mostly songs from "Only by the Night" instead of their new album, which was perfectly fine with me because they played all my favorites from the new album. It's like their set list was catered to my tastes. I literally jumped up and down with joy when they played "Manhattan," this has to be one of my favorite songs EVER. Take a listen below and tell me that song isnt incredible. I dare you!!!

They even played much older material, like "The Bucket," which is another one of my favorite KOL songs and I had never heard it played live before. I was estatic! Just a great experience overall. The arena was packed and there was so much energy that it was tangible. When they played "Use Somebody" the arena was in such a state of synergy that the arena could have exploded and we wouldnt have noticed. I live for that feeling....the feeling of unity and oneness amongst a crowd of thousands upon thousands of strangers. I've been lucky enough to feel this several times at several different concerts. It is one of those things that you gotta feel at least once in your life. Definitely...

Indies

Time flies when you are busy. There are so many things to get done that I dont know when I will catch a break--and this applies to both work and my personal life. There are so many things I want to do and so many things I want to buy but I am limited in every way.

My ipod is acting up. I downloaded a bunch of songs (which I actually paid for thank you very much) and my ipod wont sync with itunes. I updated the SW on the ipod and I updgraded to the latest version of itunes and still nothing. That just pisses me off because I am literally dying to have a personal concert in my car on my drive home from work everyday. These little things keep me sane so dont judge me!

I've really been getting into a lot of indie pop music lately. There are tons of bands that are overlooked because they are not mainstream. In my opinion, that makes their music even better because I feel it is more genuine. They arent gonna make much money off of it so they don't try and turn their music into something that sounds like something popular. I find it so admirable when people do something that they love so much that money doesnt even matter to them. I hope to be like that someday.

Anyway, I decided to make a playlist of the songs that I am really loving right now and I think are to cool for school. Yeah, that's what I named the playlist and yes, I know I am a major dork. Enjoy!

And I Wont Be Denied By You...

"Animal" by Neon Trees. This song makes me so freaking happy, it's not even funny. Every time I hear it, I just wanna dance around aimlessly with a big grin on my face. I absolutely love it! And I just love this video. It's pretty clever, in my opinion. Can't wait to hear more from this band. Am I the only one that feels this way about this song? Check it out:

Beginning of Winter

As I had mentioned, it is starting to feel like winter. While I dont really like the cold, I have realized that I dont like the heat either. I am a fall and spring girl. Always inbetween two extremes.

It could also be that New York winters are just so unbearable. Maybe I would do better in a Georgia or Mississippi winter. Who knows?

In any case, I am welcoming the winter this year. For some reason, I am a little excited for it. I am in the mood to sip on hot chocolate while bundled in a nice warm blanked watching TV on my couch because I am snowed in. I have good winter memories. It was 2 winters ago that I took a 2 week vacation and just stayed home the whole time. I was snowed in most days so I did some reading and cleaning and it was just so great and relaxing. I loved it. I want to do it again this year.

But besides lounging around in a warm bundle, I also want to make sure I take advantage of winter activities. So, like I did for Fall, I am making a winter list. I think I am gonna do one for every season change and see how much I can accomplish. I like these lists because they give me a sense of purpose and some goals to attain. If it was up to me my goal this winter would be to catch every movie on Lifetime.

Here is my list, in no particular order:

Things To Do This Winter

1. Drink gingerbread flavored drinks (and eggnog and other cinnamon/pumpkin drinks and peppermint hot chocolates from Starbucks)

2. Make a gingerbread house

3. Build a snowman/make snow angels/snow ball fight

4. Go ice skating

5. Crochet a hat/scarf/mitten set

6. Get my Christmas shopping done early

7. Watch a play

8. Roast marshmallows

9. Go to the zoo or Botanical Garden

10. Concerts!

11. Put up Christmas lights

12. See a frozen lake

13. Take pictures of icicles on trees...take more pictures in general

14. Get a poinsettia plant and not kill it

15. Homemade bread

Let's see how this goes!

End of Autumn

My magic wand has officially passed away just shy of its 4 year mark. I am deeply saddened but have decided to purchase another one. The wand will always be with me in spirit. RIP

On a lighter note, it is starting to feel like winter. As crazy as this sounds, I am actually not bothered by this. I look forward to doing many winter-y things this year. I made a list for the fall and I was able to do most of the things on my list and I ended up adding things to it as well.

This is my complete fall list:

1. Take more walks-didnt get to do to much of this, but I still have some time to walk around
2. Take pictures of the trees and leave colors -Still have time, the leaves are more beautiful than ever at this very moment. Especially on the highways I take to work.
3. Collect twigs and leaves and make something out of it -Decided to skip this one
4. Drink lots of any warm liquid that is pumpkin flavored- I had several pumpkin spice lattes and also tried caramel apple latte, which was delicious
5. Infuse my home with autumn scents- Apple Cinnamon Glade plug ins!
6. Make pumpkin bread and sweet potatoe pies-Made pumpkin pancakes a few times. Still have time to make pies. I also made cinnamon bread, which is very autumn-y
7. Go to Farmers Markets- got some delicious organic sundried tomatoes
8. Go apple picking- had a blast! The apples were amazing. I tried a new porkchop recipe with them and it was so good. I also got apple cider, which was excellent (especially with some spiced Captain Morgan rum he he)
9. Go row boating in Central Park- :( didnt get a chance to do it and they close the lake in Nov , so I'll have to wait til next year.
10. Rake a pile of leaves and then jump in-most likely not gonna happen, I live in a building, but if I see a pile of leaves anywhere, I'm gonna jump in
11. Try new recipes-tried a new cupcake/frosting recipe which was disappointing. I also tried an apple and porkchop recipe that was great. I am proud to announce that I also made shepherd's pie and created a brownie recipe. Both were exquisite!
12. Go to the zoo-had a blast! I was like a kid in a candy store.
13. Haunted House Tour/Walk-Did one in NYC and it was so fun and informative.
14. Wear Autumn scents-Thanks to Bath and Body Work Pumpkin Cinnamon Spice
15. Have a picnic-I have always wanted to do this one, but looks like I'll have to wait for the Spring

So that was my Fall list. I am gonna make a winter list in another post. Let's see how much of that one I can accomplish

Mr. Magic

I received the 1 1/2'' Chi Flat iron as a gift for Christmas about 4 years ago. I have never been more pleased with a product as I have been with my Chi. I call it The Magic Wand. It works miracles for my curly hair. I usually blowdry it and its all puffy and crispy but one swipe of the Chi and my hair is shiny, silky, smooth and straight.

For the past 4 years, I have used my Chi at LEAST once a week since I do my hair weekly. There are some weeks where it gets used everyday that week because my hair isnt cooperating or because its humid out. The Chi goes up past 300 degrees farenheit, so my hair has no choice but to look beautiful. Also, I find that there is very minimal burning since the plates are ceramic. I even used it to creat loose curls the ends of my hair last week and it worked pretty well. Like I said, my Magic Wand has never let me down.

For 4 years, it has provided me with wonderful results. For 4 years, it has never given me any issues. For 4 years, I have trusted and confided in my Magic Wand. But I think it has started to give up on me. This Sunday, it did not want to turn on. I had to plug it into several outlets and press the red "reset" button several times before it worked. My baby is dying on me....

I am so scared to burn it out that I have not turned it back on again. The radiators come on at night since it is getting colder. This causes the temperature in my bedroom to skyrocket to 100 degrees so I sweat in my sleep and that causes my hair to wave. When I woke up this morning, I did not dare turn on the wand to fix my waved hair. I am scared that it wont turn back on for me. I am not ready to let this iron go. I cannot accept that last Sunday would have been the last time to use my wand. I didnt get to properly say goodbye.

I know that I can just replace it with another Chi, but these things are expensive. They run anywhere from $150 to $200 depending on the size and where you get them. I dont have that money right now. Also, I dont want to part with the one I have. We have a history together. We have been through countless summers and winters; springs and falls. It got me through college, it helped my hair for my first day of work at IBM, it has moved with me from apartment to apartment, it gives me the confidence I need when I feel I look hideous and only my hair can save me.

I realize that I have an unhealthy attachment and that there are more important things to worry about in this world, but in the midst of my drowning, I choose to worry about this. It's a simple, unimportant worry. I can't worry about anything bigger at this moment so this is where I am directing my stress. So I ask, what is a girl to do now?

Doubts Are All I've Got To Call Mine...

Life has been pretty consistent lately. All the usuals: slaving at work, starting a "diet" every week, family arguements, spending money i dont have, drinking, putting off laundry and dishes, making shitty meals, lamenting my career choice, Family Guy, Lifetime weekends, and it goes on and on....

I am thinking about joining a kickboxing class that they offer in some health center 1o minutes from where I live. Right now they are offering 3 sessions for $20. I guess you can decide if you want to join after that. I'm nervous about this.

First, I dont know how much the total price will be. Second, I dont have the courage to do this class by myself. I am utterly embarrassed and ashamed. What if I am too fat to keep up and end up passing out? I wont know anybody that can buffer my insecurities. Lastly, will I have the energy to go to these classes? They are 1 hr sessions and there are classes offered 6 times a week. I was thinking about going 2 to 3 times a week, but work takes so much out of me. It is very difficult to work an entire day at a job that you hate and makes you miserable. Misery requires a lot of energy, you know.

I guess I have to find some sort of inner motivation deep, DEEP within myself. I just saw a picture of myself on Facebook that a friend of mine tagged me in. It is a very recent pic of me, taken last Sat 10/16/2010. You cant really see any of my body, just my chest and some of my arms but I look horrifying. I look swollen and pregnant and like a massive, ginormous killer whale that breeded with an elephant on steroids whose children then breeded with an extra,large hippo that had an affair with the mother of all cows and conceived an illegitimate bastard combination child with terrible genes and that was destined to be obese no matter what they did. Yes, I look that bad...

The thing that kills me...absolutely kills me...is that I thought I looked good that night. I actually thought I looked pretty and that I had succeeded in looking like I know how to apply makeup and like my outfit was somewhat fashionable and I had matching accessories. I even attempted to give my hair some life by curling the ends. It just resulted in me looking like a fat wannabe with a bad makeup job and flat hair. I walked around with confidence that night, thinking I was turning heads and shit, but boy was I wrong. I was so embarrassed my heart sank when I saw these pictures and I wanted to cry.

I know there are people that are gonna tell me that I looked great and blah blah blah but nothing anybody can say will change my mind. It's great if others view me a certain way, but that doesnt make a difference to me because that is not the way I view myself. I am just so sick of being disappointed in the way I look.

I am sick and tired of being unhappy in every way. I am just so lost. I dont know where to turn or what to do. The only way I see myself being happy is if I never look at another mirror or ever allow myself to think every again. Clearly, neither is possible so I need a sign or some guidance or something, ANYTHING to make me see the light.


Title of post is from "Duality" by Bayside

Starbucks

This morning I decided to knock off one of my "Things To Do in the Fall" List and stopped by Starbucks and got a Pumpkin Spice Latte. I swear I had a spiritual experience. This latte was so incredibly good that I have equated it to injecting heroin and feeling immediate addiction. There are about 50,000 Starbucks in the New York City area but I have to say that the one by my apartment is the BEST one. They always get their flavor combination correct and the drink I order is ALWAYS at the perfect temperature. I never have to wait for it to cool or reheat. This drink definitely got me in a fall mood and lifted my spirits infinitesimally. That's the word of the day right there lol.

Words They Come and Memories All Repeat

This is my 100th post since I started this little blog almost a year ago. I dont know if that is a lot or not enough but I guess it doesnt matter because I dont post things for anyone in particular. This blog was created for myself so that I can have a place to keep my thoughts organized and so that I can go back to a certain time and see what I was going through and who I was at that moment. I am glad I started this because I really have an insight of how my year has gone so far. This has been a great way to analyze myself, more than I already do.

Since it is my 100th post, I will keep things positive and I have a small recap. I have been slightly better. I am no longer drowning in my darkness. It looks like the change I thought was going to happen in my life, will not and I am glad to have that piece of consistency at the moment. I dont think I was ready to give it up like I had convinced myself.

I also got my car back Monday night which is a huge part of me feeling better. I no longer feel so trapped...even though the only place I have been driving is to and from work. I guess the fact that I dont have to depend on a train schedule any more is what makes me feel better. My car looks good and is running just the same. I didnt end up paying the $500 cash because the mechanic that fixed it knows my father and he said it was ok to just give him the insurance money. The repairs totaled $4,165 including my $500, so the mechanic got $3,665 altogether.

Another reason I am feeling better is because the weather has finally cooled down. Eventhough its been raining every day, the days that are sunny are truly spectacular. As I have said many times, this is my favorite time of year. I was ready for summer to end. I am sorrounding myself in pumpkin, cinnamon and spice for the next few months.

Lastly, I have a lot to be thankful for. My apartment is clean, my fridge is full, my hair has been extra soft lately, my family is all healthy, I have a list of new bands to check out, I gave love another chance, and somehow in the midst of all my darkness, I always ALWAYS end up swimming again.

Title of Post is "The Background" by Third Eye Blind-so fitting for me right now

You Are My Sweetest Downfall

I need a change. I want to do something to my hair. Dye it or cut it but I dont know what and I'm scared to do anything I wont like but I'm sick of the same shit.

In other news, I wont be continuing my dance classes for October. I dont think I will have the time to get there even once a week. Work is going to get very busy that month since I have to go through a yearly audit for one of my sectors. I was told that I should plan to work later until mid November. Late as in 8 or 9pm every day. At this point, suicide is certainly looking mighty fine.

I need a reason to want to wake up in the morning and at the moment I have none. I need a good book to get lost in. A good movie to lose myself in. Anything that will remove me from my reality. I find myself wishing that I was drunk the majority of the time that I am conscious and the cigarettes I am smoking are increasing daily.

I miss my car. I miss having the freedom of just driving somewhere and not depending on the schedule of a train or bus. I hate not having a way to get places and I hate the fact that its been raining for the past 3 days. My hair looks like shit and that's exactly what I feel like.

I have been wanting to take a long walk and just think and think and think until my brain begs me to shut down. I want to walk until my legs buckle...until I reach the point where exhaustion overwhelms me and I fall asleep as soon as my head touches the pillow. I want to fall into an oblivion where figures seem distant and blurry and I dont know if I am dreaming or awake.

Up until now, I have never understood how people get addicted to drugs or alcohol since it alters their reality, but I completely understand now. I understand the need to escape and the need to feel like nothing is real. The need to just view figures and shapes and just get inklings of feelings, but not really feel or see anything at all. I just want to sleep through the rest of this endless life.

When will I want to wake up?

Title of post is "Samson" by Regina Spektor. Great song...so fitting for me right now

And Take A Little Walk, When the Worst Is To Come

Still on my Band of Horses streak. This is my song of the moment: "Detlef Schrempf"

Something that has been a constant in my life for years, might be coming to end. While there is some relief, I feel massive amounts of sorrow. I am drowning in it.

"And say you're at a loss or forgot that words can do more than harm"

This lyric from this song resonates deep within me in a way I cant even explain. It says so much without saying anything at all and no truer words have ever been said.

Words...

They can do so much damage and yet sometimes all you need is a few words to make everything better. I'm Sorry...I love you...so small and so simple and yet they have the power to reverse the irrevocable.

One word can be interpreted so many different ways. One word can come out wrong or absolutely right. Interpretations of these words is just as important as the words themselves. My interpretations have broken me. His interpretations have broken him.

I say things I dont mean. So does he....and though words are fleeting and intangible, the damage they cause is worse than physical pain. You cannot measure how to heal from the pain of words. It is not visible to the eye like a physical scar is. Sometimes you never heal and sometimes the damage cannot be undone.

If this enormous part of life does come to an end, it will not be because of what was said, it will be because of interpretations that were misread and because we did not read between the lines. It will be because of words left unsaid...

By the way, if anyone gets a chance, please listen to Band of Horses "Infinite Arms" performed live. It is breathtaking and evokes emotions that lay dormant. There is something about this song that tugs at my very being. I can physically feel it affecting me. This song is an experience...it is almost supernatural. I hope whoever listens to it can feel what I feel when I hear it.

Others Came Before Me, Others To Come

I have been meaning to blog for weeks but havent felt like I have anything new to say. I have been stuck in my rut and I have not seen the light at the end of my tunnel.

I cant sleep. I am drinking massive amounts of coffee in the morning and I feel like I am coming down with a cold...again. Is there another word for misery? I am tired of repeating myself.

Been listening to a lot of Band of Horses lately. Their melancholy beats suit my moods, particularly in their song "Infinite Arms." I interpret the song to be about death but I can also see how it can be about love. It is a perfect crossfire and the feelings it emits fit me to a T. It reminds me of him...

I feel like I am dead. I most certainly do not feel alive. And while I feel love, I have learned tough lessons about love. It does not conquer all. It does not heal. It is not the solution to everything. Love is more work and sacrifice than anything else. Love requires effort. Love is difficult and complicated and often causes more problems than it solves. Love is scarring and can be hurtful. Love can make you oblivious and can consume you whole. Once you fall into it, you are never the same.

Some say it is worth all the pain, some say it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Me? I dont know anymore...

Enjoy "Infinite Arms"

Blame It On Bad Luck

I am on a bad luck streak. My car was attacked last week in the middle of the night while it was PARKED on the block I live on. Some asshole hit her and just kept going. This person hit my car with so much force that it ended up on the sidewalk and it banged into the car parked behind me. So the whole front driver side is destroyed and in pieces as is my driver side tire and rim and my bumper. This was quite an unexpected surprise.

This person MUST have been drunk because I refuse to beleive that people just destroy other peoples' property and dont even think twice about it. I mean how do you just drive away like that? This asshole is causing me so much stress. I had to have the car towed and its sitting in an auto repair shop until my insurance company sends one of their people to "appraise" the car. Then the auto mechanic can start repairing the car. All this can take weeks so I dont even know when I am getting my car back.

All the while, because I am cheap and didnt add a rental car to my policy, I now have to wake up at the asscrack of dawn to catch a 1 hr train ride to work. Then I have to call a taxi to pick me up from the train station and take me to the office. Not to mention that the insurance policy I picked (since I was being cheap again) has a $500 deductible that has to come out of MY pocket. And the worst part is that I just KNOW that my insurance is going to increase now even though I was not at fault. They are gonna say that I live in a "high risk" area since this happened, so I might not even be able to afford to pay for car insurance after this.

Meanwhile, the son a bitch that hit me probably has some minor damage to his or her car and is going about their merry fucking way with $500 in their pocket and a ride to work. How fucking fantastic for them! I am still in so much shock that I am not even mad. I am just upset and disappointed in the human race.

Then, the day after my car almost died, I end up losing my wallet. Not my entire huge wallet with all my credit cards but a small wallet I use for the weekends where I only keep my cash, license, and debit card. This small wallet was an authentic Gucci that I paid too much money for and it's lost along with my license and debit card (I'm broke so I didnt have cash.) The good thing is since I have no car til God knows when, I dont really need my license. And since I'm broke, I guess I'll be able to save some money since I have no debit card and no way of taking out any cash unless I get to a bank before they close. My bank closes at 3pm... I get home from work at 6:30pm. I aint making it on time.

Now for the straw that broke the camel's back. I am working from home today because, well, I have no car or money. I decide to have my breakfast in my bedroom where I planed on staying the whole day. I NEVER eat in the bedroom, EVER. Its a sacred place to me that I like to keep super clean. Well, I broke my rule today and I paid for it because I end up spilling my entire 160z mug of coffee all over my bed, carpet and my white curtains. I had to change my bed sheets and I attempted to soak up the coffee from the carpet while I thought to myself "Thank God I made an extra pot of coffee this morning!" Sadly, I think my carpet is stained and now my bedroom smells like coffee.

And surprisingly enough, I am not even mad at the fact that the world seems to have something against me this week. I really and truly feel nothing. I am treating these things as inconveniences for me. I dont know if this lack of feeling is a good thing...or a bad one, but I dont even care enough to figure it out.

Just Stuck Inside The Gloom

My lack of motivation to do anything is astounding. I cannot comprehend how my only desire is to lay around and watch TV. My apartment is like a cave that I am hibernating in, despite the fact that the weather is still pleasent. There isnt even anything good on TV. I've passed the time watching ridiculous things that exist solely for entertainment.

Everything bores me these days.

Having fun means getting off my fat ass and doing something and at the moment, the way I feel, its like that is not even an option. I just feel so tired. I am tired of all the things that I put up with and have gotten accustomed to. I am tired of just feeling like I have settled for what life has to offer. I am tired of saying that I am going to do something and then never following through with it. It seems that I am not a woman of my word and although I dont like it, I have come to accept it, just as I have accepted everything else in my life.

I have settled

What will it take to wake me out of my slumber? What needs to happen in order for me to become motivated? I have too much time on my hands, and yet not enough.

Never enough....

Time waits for no one and every second I spend unmotivated is a second I have lost forever. And sadly, I think I am becoming ok with that. I guess my dreams and goals dont need to be achieved. I am starting to accept that I will never be skinny, I will never travel the world, I will never buy a house...

I will always be unhappy

I have settled and it depresses me to the point where I suffocate on my acceptance. To the point where I want to disassociate from my reality. To the point where nothing makes sense anymore because with settling, I feel I am doing something I swore I would never do:

I am giving up

Title of post is "Why Georgia?" by John Mayer

Deadly Passion

Here is something Victor wrote yesterday. I am happy he had the courage to show it to me. I really like it and wanted to share:

Why can't shit change? I'm going through pain

It's driving me insane

Heart is soaking in the pouring rain

It's a shame

Everyday that goes by my soul cries

Wondering why try if I'm living to die?

My love, my best friend, my partner in crime

You're always there at the wrong time

You're a part of me and always will be

But I will never be free

Cuz you always get the best of me

I love you so, you help me grow

And the burning pain you've caused

I cover it up like a car buried in snow

But it's time to let you go, my beautiful love

You will always be my friend, but now a distant stranger

I finally graduated, so here's to you

My one and only

ANGER

She's So Vacant, Her Soul Is Taken

My unhappiness peaked yesterday. My gasket was blown. My stress reached irrational levels. I now understand how people can just up and quit a job and not think twice about the consequences.

I HATE MY JOB

It makes me miserable. I am giving away the best years of my life to a company that doesnt give a shit about me and that will outsource my job in a nano second. Is this what life is supposed to be like? Is everyone else saying the same thing about their jobs? Are there people who are actually happy with their jobs? Does that even exist? It seems so impossible to me.

I have never had a job that I enjoyed. Mostly because they were all just that: jobs....but this is my career! This is supposed to be what I spend the rest of my life doing. This is what I dedicated 4 years of my life in college to. My God, I didnt know myself back then because if I did, I would NEVER have picked this career.

I used to think that the company I worked for was the bad one and thats what made me miserable, but in my irrationality yesterday (is that a word?) I had one clear, rational thought: "I was not meant to be an accountant." My misery in my career has nothing to do with the company I work for, although it does add to it, but it has everything to do with my career choice.

Now that I think back to it, all the signs were clear. I never enjoyed numbers. I never enjoyed Math. It was my weakest subject. I am a woman of words and books, not numbers and equations. I initially liked the fact that accounting was black and white. Debits must always equal credits. It made me comfortable to know that there was always a wrong and a right. But now that I am older and much less naive, I realize that the world is gray. There are exceptions to rules and there is never a wrong and a right.

Everything about who I am goes against this career choice. I have outgrown it. I keep telling myself that the money makes up for the misery but the truth is that I dont get paid enough to fake the satisfaction I should feel. Money really cant buy happiness....and I am finding this out the hard way.

Title of Post is from "He Can Only Hold Her" by Amy Winehouse

Hide Your Kids, Hide Your Wife

I know everyone has seen this YouTube video called "Bed Intruder," which was an actual news broadcast that a group ofwas turned into a song using autotune. It is one of the funniest things I have seen in a long time. I could not beleive it was an actual news broadcast, but if you google it you can find what they showed on the news.

The guy, Antoine Dodson, is being interviewed after he scared off a man that has been raping people in Lincoln Park. Anotine's sister wakes up to find the man in bed with her about to rape her. Antoine is so flamboyant and theatrical that its hilarious. The topic might be serious but its hard not to laugh when you see how Antoine reacts.

This song has been stuck in my head for a while. My favorite part is when he makes a "threat" to the rapist and tells him that he doesnt have to come and confess because they are looking for him and they are gonna find him. That is fucking priceless!!

Seasons

I am so excited that it is September 1st today. Yes, time has flown by at alarming speed but I am excited because September means that it is almost Autumn!

I love this time of year passionately. It's not too warm (although its been over 90 degrees lately) but its not too cold. There is just a clean, crisp chill in the air. Perfect to have some hot chocolate or some apple cider or warm pumpkin spice coffee. I love the colors associated with Autumn-the bright burnt oranges and reds and the browns and dark yellows. I love the smells associated with this season-the pumpkin, nutmeg, cinnamon, hazelnut, etc. I absolutely love it!!!

I wish I could find a place where it was permanently fall. I think that would make me really happy. Since Fall only lasts like 2 months, I am going to take advantage of it this year. Here are 10 things I plan to do:

1. Take more walks

2. Take pictures of the trees and leave colors

3. Collect twigs and leaves and make something out of it

4. Drink lots of any warm liquid that is pumpkin flavored

5. Infuse my home with autumn smells

6. Make pumpkin bread and sweet potatoe pies

7. Go to Farmers Markets

8. Go apple picking

9. Go row boating in Central Park

10. Rake a pile of leaves and then jump in

I guess that's all I have for now. If anyone else has any other activities, I'd love to hear them.

A Moment Like This

I urge anyone who comes accross this blog to check out another blog called: Collect 365 Moments. (Linked) A friend of mine (Delilah) just started this project where she will capture one random moment every day for the next year and will post the picture on the blog. I think its a pretty cool idea. It would be interesting to see what kinds of pictures we will see everyday and the whole collection at year end. She just started this two days ago, so there are currently only two pics. Both awesome pics...I might add.

We take so many things for granted these days. We never stop to just enjoy something like a random moment because we are so used to them that they no longer have value to us. Yet its these little moments that we dont even think about that make life meaningful. I know this sounds like the whole "stop and smell the roses" speech that is so overused and so corny, but the reality is: when was the last time you literally just stopped to smell the roses? When was the last time that you were so much in tune with your reality that it felt like a fantasy? When was the last time you stopped something you were doing and actually thought about what it was you were doing?

It is so easy to beleive that the world is simply you and your sorroundings, but there is so much out there that we have yet to see. And there are so many things that we have seen so many times that we are desensitized. I think that project Collect 365 Moments will be a great way to see every day things from a perspective that is not your own and because of that, I beleive, that eventually all moments will mean something again.

The Road Turned Into A Snake...

Envy on the Coast had their last performance as a band today, Sunday 8.29.10. The show was pretty incredible. They were so energetic and I am sitting here at 3:45am unable to sleep because I still have adrenaline coursing through my body. It was an amazing farewell show and I will only have good memories of this band. I have seen them perform 3 times and they never disappointed so I am really sad that they no longer exist.

The band has decided to break up because 2 of the members are "not happy" in the band. I am not sure what that means but I guess its serious enough that they were willing to break up a union. At first, I felt that those members were selfish and inconsiderate. They did not consider how their decision would affect the other members or how it would affect their future.

Then, I realized that they are not selfish at all. These guys are brave. They did something that many, many people fail to ever do. They were unhappy and they did something about it. They risked everything they worked for and risked their musical careers, as well as the band's career, because they would rather have real, genuine happiness. They know what makes them happy and they were able to identify that music was not it.

I have to respect them for this decision. Many people would have just kept going and been miserable for God knows how long. They would never have the courage to make a decision that causes major, major changes in their lives. I would be one of those people that just goes on living and dealing with my misery. I have done this my whole life. I cant help but wonder how they got to the point in their lives when they were comfortable enough to put themselves and their happiness first. I wonder when they realized what it takes to truly make them happy.

I, on the other hand, am so clueless. I have no idea what makes me happy. I have no idea what I want to gain out of life. I have no idea what my purpose for existing is. I have my shit altogether, but I have never been so lost and I dont even know where to begin to find my way on this road to "happiness..."

The Rising Tide Will Not Let You Forget Me

This post is strictly dedicated to me fangirling over Andrew McMahon. You have been warned....

Friday night, I went to the Something Corporate reunion concert. The band broke up several years ago and got back together for a few concert dates that ended up turning into a small tour. I have to say that this concert was one of the most mature and most incredible concerts I have ever been to. There were no tweens or immature teenagers wreaking havoc so I didnt have to endure their stupidity the whole night. Everyone there was just having a great time and we were all so excited for the show.

I had seen Something Corporate (SoCo) live earlier this year but it was a different atmosphere since it was at Bamboozle and not everyone was there for SoCo. Friday's concert just had such a great vibe. The band was excellent live and you could just tell that after so many years they were so thankful that they still have such a large fan base. And their lead singer, Andrew McMahon, was so sweet the whole time and he looked so happy :) He did not disappoint last night, but then again, when does he?

Andrew is incredibly talented and gifted. He writes beautiful lyrics and creates beautiful melodies with his piano. And to top it off, he's oh so sexy! (Fangirling at all time high here!) He also has another band, Jack's Mannequin, that he started on the side and performed with full time after SoCo broke up. They have the song "Bruised" that I absolutely love and where I got my tattoo lyrics from ("Sometimes perfection can be perfect hell.")

Not only is Andrew talented but he is also a cancer survivor. He was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia when he was just 22 and he was able to treat it because it was caught early. He started the Dear Jack Foundation that raises money for cancer research. Is your heart melting yet? Mine is....And I'm not the only Andrew McMahon fangirl out there. A lot of people look up to him because of what he's been through and what he had done personally and musically.

So, in brief, I had a wonderful night Friday. I can only hope that I can experience another concert like that in my lifetime. So thank you Andrew McMahon for being so damn charming, talented, sexy and cool. I've got a school girl crush on you ;)

Title post is from SoCo song "Ruthless"

Sweet Dreams

I have been in such a hormonal and self deprecating mood this past week. It's utterly pathetic and I hate myself for hating myself. Its a vicious cycle that traps me every month when its almost time for my "monthly visitor." What is the point of menstruating if one has no desire to procreate?

Anyways, I have also been hating my job more and more each day. I dream of other things I could be doing. All things that involve courage and money...and I dont seem to have either of these things. One of the things I dream about, while at my boring job, is to run a cupcake shop. I would be immersed in the smell of sugary sweetness all day. I would wake up early and bake batches of dozens of cupcakes and I would top them all with cool frosting colors and little decorations. I would make cupcake cakes for people who order them and I would test out different cupcake/frosting combinations daily.

The venue where I would run this cupcake shop will be this little rundown place that I gut and remodel from scratch. It would be cool and funky, yet elegant and modern all at once. I would want to do be located in a small town where they have never heard of such a thing as a cupcake shop. I would know all my customer by name and they would stop in on Sunday afternoons for a treat. I would make cupcake cakes for every occassion in town and then I would eventually add other features to my shop, like cakes, cookies, and drinks such as hot chocolate with cinnamon sticks and whipped cream and peach sweet tea with mint leaves.

And then reality smacks me in the face and I realize how pathetically unrealistic I am being. All these dreams are, were, and always will be just that: DREAMS. But would it be wrong of me to hope?

Do The Hustle!

In wake of my epiphany about enjoying life and having fun, I signed up for unlimited dance lessons for a month in the city at a place called Dance Paradise. They offer classes for Salsa, Merengue, Bachata, Cha Cha and Hustle. My first time going was yesterday. I made it to the 8:30pm Beginners Hustle class.

Now, its not the hustle that everyone is thinking about. Its more of an old school salsa....well, its the dance that salsa originated from. Its a very graceful dance that consists of simple steps that get repeated. Its definitely not the hustle from the 70's that first comes to mind.

Anyway, I went with two of my co-workers and Victor. Yes, he agreed to come and that made me so happy! There were only two guys there and he was one of them. The rest were women of all ages. Since the dance steps are different for the men, the two guys got private lessons from the female instructor while all the girls learned together with the male instructor.

I had such a blast trying to learn how to turn and fall back into step. It was so much fun!! I had such an awesome time. Nobody there was judging you, the instructor didnt make you feel stupid, and it was just all fun. Even Victor had a good time, and told me he wanted to go to the Beginners Salsa. I will definitely be taking advantage and going a few times a week. I wanna go to the Bachata/Cha Cha class.

Going to dance lessons is something I would NEVER agree to do and thats the exact reason why I did it. And so far, I think it's gonna be a great decision. It's amazing how this one simple deviation can make such a difference in me. This little step has made me so happy and it has made me want to keep trying new things that I would never do. It felt great to throw caution and insecurities to the wind and just....dance. I just wonder, what else have I been missing out on?

Its Looking Like A Limb Torn Off

Double post today :)

A few weeks ago I posted a video of "No One's Gonna Love You" by Band of Horses. Im still literally obessesed with the song and I just found out that Cee Lo Green, the lead singer of Gnarles Barkley, covered the song....and its AWESOME!!! I just had to share it. I love cover songs! Especially really, really good ones. Enjoy :)

Another cover song to check out: 30 Seconds to Mars- "Bad Romance (Lady Gaga Cover)"

And These Foolish Games....

In keeping up with the throwback to the 90's, that I begun a few weeks ago, I wanted to share Jewel "Foolish Games."(Click for video). I woke up with this song in my head today. I had forgotten how much I loved this song back then. I especially love the following lines:

"Well, excuse me,

Guess I've mistaken you for somebody else,
Somebody who gave a damn,
Somebody more like myself "

Its hard to pick out specific lyrics because, honestly, the whole song is lyrically excellent. Its hard not to be affected by the pain in her voice. I mean, I have no doubt in my mind that her heart is breaking. I can actually feel her pain and the confusion caused by the foolish games people play when in relationships.

I think this is song is a great example of how pop music has gone downhill. Its so difficult to find songs this well written and composed and this touching. Maybe its just me...I dont know, but in any case, I still absolutely love this song after so many years ;)

This Is Who I Really Am Inside

I'll be turning 24 in exactly 24 days. For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm getting old. Next year, I will be 25 years old. That is a whole quarter of a century. I feel like I havent lived yet.

Lately, Victor has been putting pressure on me to agree that in a few years, we will start a family...meaning have a baby. I havent answered him because my answer will break his heart. I dont want kids. I never have and its starting to feel like I never will. I know this is wrong but to me children = the end of my youth and that is something that I am NOT ready to give up yet.

I have been an adult most of my life. I have been responsible and mature since I was about 7 years old. Now is the time that I am starting to feel young. Most days I wake up and I feel like a 16 yr old posing as an almost 24 yr old adult. I feel like this is the time for me to do the things that I didnt get a chance to do before because I was too busy being responsible. I need time to be young and carefree. A baby will take all of this away from me and all I'll do is end up resenting it and living vicariously through others.

My biggest concern, as I have mentioned numerous times before, is living with regret. I dont want to be an old lady who wonders what could have been or who regrets not doing enough. I already feel that way. The difference is that right now I have time to change this feeling, but if I wait any longer, I will not get the chance I have right now. Everyday that goes by, I get older and my opportunity diminishes. Everyday, I hate the fact that it feels like my time is running out. Everyday, it feels like I get closer to the end.

I know that I probably sound like the most selfish, self absorbed, heartless bitch in the world because I would rather live my life than bear a child. But the thing is that this is how I feel. I am being honest with myself and I am more comfortable with the truth than I am with lying about what I feel just so that society doesnt view me as a heartless bitch. People say that this changes with time and maybe it will but right now, I dont have any semblance of a biological clock ticking and telling me its time. I dont have any semblance of motherly instinct. I am not touched by the sight of a newborn nor is my heart fulfilled when I hear child's laughter.

I need to focus on myself and on being happy and living my life. I dont want to think about starting a family or having a baby. Right now, the only thing I need the most of is the thing I feel I am running out of: TIME

I Watch Too Many Movies

The past few days I have been waking up precisely around 3:45am. I have no idea why I wake up and I have no recollection of how I end up going back to sleep. I just know that I always open my eyes and look at the clock right around this time and it has happened for 3 days.

Me, being the paranoid wuss that I am, thinks that this is some sort of message. Like maybe I'm supposed to realize something when I wake up or maybe some spirit/entity is trying to make me see something. I know it sounds stupid but I cant help thinking this. I watch too many movies...

Speaking of movies, I saw "Legion" the other day and I have to say that I was highly disappointed. The movie is about the apocolypse, where God gets mad at humans for being suck pricks and he wants to wipe out humanity. One of his angels, Michael, tries to stop the apocolypse and the fate of the world all depends on the baby of a pregnant white trash waitress. To me, the movie was a bit predictable. This topic has been beat to death and can get a bit corny. It had some good parts to it, but not enough to save the movie.

On the other hand, I saw "Inception" in the theaters and it was an excellent movie. Great cinematography, great acting, great directing, great theme and message. Its complicated and it makes you think from beginning to end. It gets your attention from the first minute til the last second and you go through a journey to try and follow whats going on and even after the movie ends, you are still not sure what happened. But its a good confusion, not a frustrating I-dont-wanna-watch-this-movie-anymore type confusion. I loved it and I would go see it again if I had the chance.

Im thinking about re-activating my Netflix account. I love Indie films and have a few that I am dying to watch (500 Days of Summer, Sunshine Cleaning, The Cake Eaters, etc) and I hope I get to watch soon. Any Indie film recommendations?

Changes

So I have been on this diet for the past 18 days. I still have 10 more days to go. I dont know what the name of it is but the name I have given it is "The Starvation Diet" because I feel like I am literally starving lol. The point of the diet is to train your stomach to feel full on smaller amounts of food. All I've been eating for the past 18 days is lettuce, fruits, grilled chicken, cucumbers, etc. I havent had a carb in my body for a while (the diet did allow one slice of bread on the third and fifth day.)

As much as I feel like I have been suffering, I do think that my stomach is definitely used to eating a lot less now. I get fuller from eating just some grilled chicken and some steamed veggies. I am also drinking more water and eating a lot more fresh foods than I did in the past. I made a few adjustments to the diet as I've gone along. For example, some days require me to only eat fruit or vegetables for dinner. I'm sorry but I am not a rabbit so those days I add some grilled chicken to dinner. I have also added one tablespoon of low fat peanut butter the other day because my body was craving a fat. I figured peanut butter is a healthy fat.

And lets not get into cravings. All I think about is chocolate chip cookies, pizza, a juicy burger, moist brownies, garlic bread, french fries, etc. I have definitely learned to appreciate food in a different way. The crazy thing is that I have also been craving mangoes and other fruit that have too much natural sugar for me to eat during the diet. I never thought I would crave fruit. The other day, I was so excited that I was gonna eat okra for lunch. Yeah, okra...

After all this pain and suffering I am going through, you better believe that my eating habits have changed. I do NOT ever want to re-train my stomach ever again. I have learned so much so far. I no longer feel like food is my life and I am now eating to survive and because my body asks for it, not because my mind tells me it needs food. Also, this diet is definitely teaching me that I have more self control than I thought. Before, I would tell myself that there was no way I could resist a chocolate chip cookie and yet, I was able to bake chocolate chip cookies for Victor and I didnt eat a single one. In my eyes, that was a HUGE accomplishment. I mean who can resist home made chocolate chip cookies?

Oh and I've lost about 15lbs too! Guess thats also an accomplishment :)

Anything To Make You Smile...

Im currently LOVING 'No One's Gonna Love You" by Band of Horses. Thinking about making it my wedding song :)

An Ode to Las Vegas

So I recently came back from Vegas (on the 26th) and had a great time as expected. This was my second time going and it was just as awesome as I remembered it. There is always lots to do and its just a beautiful city.

So to briefly recap, I went with Victor this time-just the two of us. We stayed at Excalibur for the 5 days we were there. It's the hotel that literally looks like a castle and its located on the south end of the Las Vegas Strip. This is what the hotel looked like at night:

This was a kid friendly hotel so there were a bunch of kids all over the place (i dont understand why parents would bring kids to Vegas) but I didnt let it get to me. We spent most of the day sitting by the pool tanning and swimming. It was about 115 degrees everyday and that's just too hot to walk around in. We ended up getting so tan we looked burnt. The sun feels like its literally next to you, so I wasnt surprised we tanned so much.

After we would hang out by the pool all day we would go walk the strip in the evening. We pretty much went to all the hotels on the strip and caught pretty much every free show available-like the fountains at the Bellagio, the Sirens of TI at Treasure Island, the Volcano Explosion at the Mirage, the shows at Circus Circus, etc. They were all a lot of fun.

We also went to Fremont Street, which is what they call the "Old Las Vegas." This is where the original Las Vegas strip started. The atmosphere was great. People just walking around drinking and enjoying the free concerts they had that night. Also, practically the whole street is under a dome that has huge TV screens as the ceiling (see pic below.) We took public transportation to get there,which was fun. We ended up taking the bus to go everywhere, even the Las Vegas Outlet Center, a mall, that is the last stop on the bus going south. We bought souveneirs there and just walked around.

Another cool thing we did was see the Bodies Exhibit at the Luxor Hotel. It was located right next to Exacalibur and we could see it from our hotel room window. Luxor is shaped like a pyramid and it has a blue light that shoots up into the sky at night. Its really nice on the inside too. We did catch a show at the Monte Carlo. It was the Lance Burton magic show, which I must admit, was awesome. Im usually not fooled by "magic tricks" but some of the things in the show left me wondering how the hell he pulled it off.

We went to one nightclub/bar in hotel New York New York but it wasnt really our kind of atmosphere and it was so expensive to get in. We were running low on money by then and decided that next time we go to Vegas, we will try to get into one of the fancy, celebrity nightclubs. They usually only let in groups of skinny girls dressed like skanks but we are gonna give it a try. This is the view from the south part of the strip looking to the North. It is amazing to look at when the sun goes down and the temperature is bearable. New York New York is located right behind the Statue of Liberty imitation.

Lastly, one of the most exciting things that happened while in Vegas was that Vic proposed to me. He did it officially-getting down on one knee with a ring. We were in a resort lobby with a bunch of strangers, looking to get a timeshare (we got to the hotel too early to check in and had to waste a few hours and they offered us free tickets to Lance Burton). In the middle of introductions, Victor gets up and starts to say that everyone in the room is so nice and that he feels its the right moment to do this. I had NO IDEA what he was talking about. He then goes on to say that he didnt have enough money to get a ring until now, and I'm like "what the hell is he doing?" It still hadnt hit me...

So he gets down on one knee infront of all these strangers and he asks me to marry him. At this point, I am in so much shock that I nod yes and the crowd goes wild with cheers and claps. I was furiously blushing from embarassment of being the center of attention and the surprise of it all. It was like a scene right out of a movie and something I'll never forget. The ring is absolutely beautiful and it has "me" written all over it. Its simple, elegant and just perfect.

To conclude, I had a great time in Vegas. I got to relax, tan and do some sightseeing. We saw some great shows, ate a lot of good food and got engaged. I came back happier than I've felt in a while and thats a big deal for me, so thanks Vegas :)