Always Be My Baby

Yesterday was my little brother's prom. I still cannot get over how handsome he looked in his tux with his little bowtie. This past month has been so hard for me to go through because it is finally hitting home that my little brother is not little anymore. He is 18 years old and he is so intelligent, mature, responsible, trustworthy, humble, dependable, witty, wise, funny, handsome...and I could go on and on with nothing but positive adjectives to describe him. I cannot articulate how proud I am of my brother. I have no doubt in my mind he will become whatever he wants to be. He is exceptionally intelligent and motivated and I am confident in him and his abilities.

I've been in love with my little brother since he was born. He's been my little baby for years and now he's an adult with a car, a steady girlfriend, graduating high school and starting an excellent college (NYU) in the fall. It's hard to grasp that without feeling old and without feeling like I could lose him. I guess this is how parents feel when their kids start getting older.

I hope that when my brother looks back on his life, he can see how much I absolutely admire him and adore him unconditionally. I hope he can tell that I do and will support him in all his choices. I hope that he knows that I would give up my life for him without any doubt in my mind. I would do anything for him and I will applaud him like he deserves. I will give him the guidance, praise and assurance that I never got and that I needed at his age. I will encourage him to do what makes him happy and I will ensure he finds happiness.

I hope he notices that I tried to shield him from all the drama that comes with my family and I tried to ensure he had a normal childhood. I hope that he is able to look back on his childhood and have more happy memories than sad ones. I hope he knows that nothing will ever change the amount of love I have for him.

Most importantly, I hope he knows that no matter what happens, no matter how much time goes by, no matter how old we are, no matter the circumstances, he will always, always, always be my little brother.

A Song For You

Am I the only one who tears up every time I hear an Amy Winehouse song? I literally tear up every time.

RIP Amy Jade Winehouse

The one I have the hardest time listening to is her cover of "A Song for You." It's been covered by dozens of artists before her because it is lyrically a beautiful song. She recorded this cover in one sitting in her own home. The session wasnt planned but they say she was emotionally attached to this song and basically wept through the entire recording.

You can definitely hear and feel her emotions while listening to the song. Ultimately, this cover is gut wrenchingly beautiful. In it's own rustic way, it is truly touching and emotionally charged. It brings me to tears every time I hear it. There is one particular part that really hits me hard. She says:

"And when my life is over

Remember, remember, remember

When we were together

And I was singing this song for you"

This song has been deemed her unofficial suicide note and many people think this is why she was so emotional while recording it. It definitely feels like a goodbye to her fans and loved ones and it brings a sense of closure to her posthumous album.

At the end of the song, she talks about Donnie Hathaway, who recorded the most popular cover of this song and who was her all time favorist artist. She says: "Donnie Hathaway...it was like he couldnt contain himself. He had something in him you know." If only she knew that many of us fans felt and still feel that way about her...

I and I

So my life has been completely swallowed up by wedding planning, almost every minute of my day consists of getting something done for this wedding...even though its 5 months away.  Despite all my time being devoted to this, I have to say that I absolutely love love LOVE planning this wedding.

Actually, I love planning and coordinating events in general. I have also taken on planning a July baby shower for a friend. I enjoy the creative process that goes into getting everything together. I enjoy making the phone calls to vendors and to find out information. I love coming up with decor themes and ideas, I just really enjoy the stress. It's invigorating rather than unhealthy. It's the endorphin inducing kind of stress, not the chemical imbalance kind and it is really good for me to feel like this.

I was at quite a low point almost two months ago, but I have to say that I have been feeling better. I have started an exercise routine and have changed my eating habits quite a bit. I am also taking vitamin B12 and fish oil and they have made such a difference in my energy levels and moods. I am generally in good spirits, which is such an accomplishment for me. I have my low, dark moments but it is no longer a consistent feeling. I am working so hard at maintaining myself at this level. It's crazy how much of an effort I have to make to avoid numbness, but it has certainly been worth it. I have accepted that I might never be what some might call "balanced" but the result of the work I put in outweighs the dark, abysmal and gaping hole.




It may seem easy to live numbly but please, promise me, you wont ever forget how to feel