Ikea Trip

Heading to Ikea today and Im so excited. I love that place. I just love how everything is modern and clean line. Im looking for a desk because the one I have now (which happens to be from Ikea) does not match my living room furniture at all. I have dark espresso furniture and the desk is light pine. Thats a interior decor faux paus.

Something like this would be good. It doesnt really take up much room and could be folded up into the wall. And the color matches the decor in the living room, so its something to think about.

We'll see what I can afford. Everytime I go there I want to redecorate my entire house. I spend hours in the showrooms and just imagine my dream home. I swear, I wish I had money to decorate the way I really want to. Instead, I settle for Walmart and Target furniture and whatever I could inherit or find cheaply. The nice things are the most expensive...but thats life for ya.

I have some pics to post of what I've been doing the past 3 months. I had them in my camera for a while. Ill be making posting this weekend, if Lifetime has disappointing movies.

I'm Afraid To Live And Not Remember Why

Yesterday I found out that a friend of a friends mother passed away. News like this is never good and it really got to me. How does one recover from losing a parent? How does life go on after this? This girl is in her early twenties and has a sister that is no older than 5. Her whole world has flipped upside down overnight.

Life is full of changes and we eventually get used to these changes but losing a parent is a change that, I imagine, is hard to recover from. Losing anyone is hard to recover from. Death is permanent, there is no going back. There is no way to fix it or change it. It is just the end with no possibility of an epilogue or a continuation. Death is final and conclusive.

This news really got me thinking. Tomorrow, it will be one year since my grandfather died. He had lung cancer. He smoked his whole life and by the time they found out he had cancer, it had already eaten through his bones. I last saw him in January 2009 and he looked fine, healthy even....but two months later he died.

I didnt cry when I first heard the news. I didnt know this man. I mean, I've met him and spent time with him whenever I visited the Dominican Republic where he lived. I spent a summer over there when I was 7, but aside from that, I never had a conversation with him. I never knew the kind of person he was except from what other people told me about him. I know he would buy me ice cream when I was over there. He would give me frosting puffs to eat. He would give me money to buy soda from the colmado on the corner. One night, the electricity was out and we sat on the galleria out front and he told my sister and I a way to find our way home by a ray of light in the sky that came from a tower in DR.

These are the few things that I remember. This is all I personally know about him. My opportunity was gone. No second chance. When I realized this, thats when I cried. I cried and I cried and I cried and when I was done, I cried some more. I cared for my grandfather deeply.... I would say that I loved him, but he never knew this. I never told him this and he never told me how he felt about me either. The finality of death took this from me. The realization that it was too late was devastating to me. It still is...

When my parents came back from the funeral in DR, they brought back several cards they give out at funerals where it has a picture of the person and the dates of their birth and death. On the back of this card, it had a bible passage. It was Psalm 23. This is my favorite bible passage and the only one I know that affects me. I felt a sudden calm enter me when I saw this passage. I felt like it was chosen because my grandfather wanted me to know that I was on his mind. I know that to most it would just be a coincidence but I truly felt like this was a sign...more importantly, its the only thing I have to hold on to.

I went back to the Dominican Republic the summer of 2009, 5 months after he died. My grandparents house was not the same. It felt empty. It was no longer a home. The house now has an unexplainable void that his presence used to fill....and so does my heart.

RIP

Papa Tiodo

Are Your Thoughts Results of Static Cling?

I barely ever dream...ever. But sometimes I'll wake up and I'll have the most ridiculous thoughts in my head,which leads me to beleive that I did dream but I just dont remember anything. Well this morning on the verge of regaining consciousness I had a very long and detailed dream. It involved some people I havent seen in a very long time. I was very close to these people but because I am a terrible friend, I havent kept in touch with them. Was this a sign? Maybe I'll give them a call

On another note, I have been obsessed with "Details in the Fabric" by Jason Mraz featuring James Morrison. God, what a beautiful song! Seriously.

I love this line:

"Hold your own

Know your name

And go your own way

And everything,

Everything will be fine

Everything"

To me this is such a strong message in few and simple words. I feel like its saying to stay strong and keep your head up, continue on your path no matter what happens and eventually you will see that everything will be fine. I strongly beleive this is true. Although, it is very difficult to get past certain things, eventually everything ends up fine. You might not ever get over something but after some time, you continue to live and life always goes on.

I highly suggest people listen to Jason Mraz's album "We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things." Im pretty sure EVERYONE and their mother knows "I'm Yours" since people (mostly the radio) played the song to death, revived it and then killed it again several times. Yet I still love the song :)

Oh and James Morrison has such a distinct and utterly, beautifully gut wrenching voice that makes my heart flutter. This man has soul. Listen to "If You Dont Wanna Love Me," it is fuckawesome. There was a contestant on American Idol (current season) named Alex Lambert who has a voice very similar to James Morrison's. Would you beleive that America voted him off? I was so shocked and so disappointed. Are all Americans deaf? They would rather hear bullshit bubble gum pop songs by untalented idiots like Britney Spears? Big mistake America, BIG mistake.

Title is lyric from "Details in the Fabric"

I Hope I Dont Overdose On Empty Promises

I have been an insecure little sensitive fucker lately. Ive been feeling really self conscious about the way I look. I have come to accept that my prime was in my teenage years where I was thin and had a small waist. I am motivated to get back into shape and to tone up though, dont get me wrong. Its just that my self-esteem has taken a big hit over the years.

Thats not to say that I was conceited or thought very highly of myself when I actually did look good. I wish I would have appreciated the way I looked back then instead of constantly complaining about it like I did. I know that physically I can look the way I want to look if I continue to stay motivated but I dont think I can get there mentally.

I am a realistic person. I prefer truth over lies and I try not to deny myself what the truth is. So in realities of all realities, I know I am no beauty queen. And Im not saying this to put myself down or to get pity votes or anything like that. Its just the truth. There are plenty of better looking people out there and I accept that. On the other hand, I also know that I am not an ugly duckling. I guess I would just be average. Mediocre...

I also dont really make much of an effort to look good. I dont wear any makeup at all. I dont really wear any accessories. I wear my hair the same all the time. My clothes are just blah...I try to keep everything prim and proper but who the hell am I kidding? And I dont really have the personality that makes me better looking like a lot of people have. Im a miserable person and I frown a lot, so I think that my mediocre rating is fair. I am okay with it and I know that maybe if I made more of an effort, I could raise my rating but I guess I dont care enough.

Like I said, I am okay with my rating but sometimes certain things happen where I am reminded of what I look like in reality vs what I look like in my head. Thats when all my insecurities come out and when I become vulnerable. Three really stupid things happened to me this week that made me feel like maybe I am below average. I am so mad at myself for letting them get to me but I guess I cant help what I feel hence Im being a sensitive shit right now.

Ive never been one to need validation from other people but I guess that its a human trait to get reassurance from others sometimes. And its been a while since I got reassurance. Ugh I sound like a fucking needy loser and I hate that. So Im gonna shake off this little PMS induced sob story going on in my overactive head, straighten my back, stick my chest out and keep my chin up. I guess I just needed to write out what I was feeling and then read it back to myself to realize how incredibly ridiculous I am being right now.

Im gonna go eat a cupcake....

Title of post is lyric from "Emergency" by I Am The Avalanche

A Much Needed Change

Today I got good news at work. I was told that I would be changing departments and would be going to the department next to me starting April 15th. NOTHING could excite me more than this news.

I was ready for a change. I have been in my same department for almost 2 years and I needed to do something new and different. My current desk stresses me the fuck out...to say the least. It involves a certain contract that makes me pull my hair out because its so complicated and volatile. This contract is the reason why I break out like a teenage boy in heat.

I will be leaving this contract and other headache inducing aspects of my desk to the next sucker and I wont have to deal with them any longer. My new desk is completely different and I will be working with a smaller number of contracts so I will be able to go more in detail. Most importantly, its just a new set of procedures, new finance people, new co-workers, new boss....and I needed this change badly. Also, I was told that this move will make a promotion easier if I prove myself...which I have every intention of doing.

This news is just so refreshing, I feel so excited about this. I know this new job wont be easy and it wont be a walk in the park but Im ready to do something different and Im glad Im getting the opportunity to do so.

Well I Guess It Just Suggests That This is Just What Happiness Is

I feel like doing something crazy. I have all this pent up anxiety/energy and I am compelled to do something out of the ordinary, only my ordinary brain has no clue what that could be.

My happiness was short lived and I'm back to my usual misery, although I do feel content and I am in a pretty good mood despite feeling like I am going to explode with anxiousness. I wish I could just go into the middle of a field and just yell at the top of my lungs for no good reason. Or maybe climb up a mountain and just stare into the horizon for an undetermined amount of time. Or drive accross the United States with no real purpose or direction.

I dont know what the hell is wrong with me

Usually, all I want to do is lay down and lose consciousness until the next day comes, but right now I feel like doing activities. The last thing I want to do is sit in my chair infront of this computer all day long. Im attributing my new found attitude to the fact that I have been consistently working out for the past 3 weeks. Maybe its true what they say...that exercising gives you more energy and you just generally feel better. Maybe all this exercise has started a flow of dopamine and endorphins in my brain, which had stopped due to my lack of activity.

Im gonna be proactive today. I have a shit load of things that I constantly put off (like making a doctors appt, requesting a new insurance card, canceling unused credit cards, etc) that I think I am going to do today. Then I'll head to the gym after work. Sadly or fortunately, depends on how you look at it, these little things actually bring me joy.


Title post is lyric from "Beautiful Mess" by Jason Mraz. LOVE LOVE LOVE this song

It's A New Day....And I'm Feeling Good

It looks like Spring is on its way and I have to say that knowing this puts me in a good mood. I woke up feeling so good yesterday. There was sunshine coming into my bedroom and I actually heard birds chirping. It is unbeleivable how postively this weather affects me.

I was so motivated yesterday that I scrubbed my entire kitchen and bathroom, did laundry, cleaned the rest of the house (including mopping), went to the gym, AND made cupcakes that were so moist, they fall apart in your mouth.

I would say yesterday was quite productive.

I love it when I step outside and the air is crisp and full of sunshine. That warmth just completes me. It actually puts a smile on my face...and that is a difficult thing to do. This further convinces me that I need to live in a place where the weather is always like this. I am not built for cold and snowy winters, I need warmth and sunshine. If I were braver I would pack my shit and just head to west coast and settle somewhere. Unfortunately, I am not that spontaneous and a move like that would take careful calculation and months of deliberation. So, to me, a move like that is something that only happens in movies.

Anyways, the way I feel today is so foreign to me. Do you know when you are so excited that you cant sit still? I feel this way today because I feel like I have so many things to look forward to in the coming weeks. I have a few concerts to go to, a few birthdays coming up, paintballing, .... Im even looking forward to going to the gym today! Ugh, I dont even know who I am today.

Is this what happiness feels like?

Title is lyric from "Feeling Good" Michael Buble's version (Muse's version is my second favorite)

Let's Drink To Memories We Shared

Ive been slaving at work the whole week and tonight I decided Im gonna have a few drinks. This damn job is stressing to the point of giving me acne. I used to have such a clear, pimple free face and now I break out like a teenager that just hit puberty. I also probably look like I'm verging on 30 instead of 24. Damn, I need a vacation.

We are thinking about taking a trip to Costa Rica. I need to make sure I'm in shape. I've neglected the gym this week since work has drained every ounce of my energy and I've had trouble sleeping EVERY night this week. So I guess I'll be hitting the gym this weekend to make up for lost days. I have until June to get into some sort of shape that is not a circle.

I also have to control this mouth. This week has been a terrible eating week. The stress makes me hormonal and all I've wanted to do is eat sweets. I mean just today I had about 8 munchkins during a department meeting.

I totally need a drink tonight....


Title of post is lyric from "One Man Drinking Games" by Mayday Parade (back when they made good music)

Wasting Words in Lower Cases and Capitals

The text on my entire blog is tiny! I never realized it until now.

"Jaws Swimming Theme" by Brand New. I cant get this song out of my head for the past two days. Its so insightful and has so much meaning behind it. I especially love this part:

"But I've seen what happens to the wicked and proud

When they decided to try to take on the throne for the crown"

To me it implies that some people want the title of having power but they do not have the right to have it or they cant handle the power. Like they want the crown to appear as if they are a king or queen but they cant handle the throne. So its like, if you are not meant to be something then it will never work out.

Anyway, I've been listening to their album "Deja Entendu" over and over and its a really great album. I recommend it, if you like that kind of music.

I've got a few things to post but I have to upload some pics from my camera before I make the post. Ill get to that next week since work is slaving me again. Ill just be making bullshit posts in the meantime.

By the way, I've given up bread for lent. Let's see how that goes.....

Lastly, title is lyric from "The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows" by Brand New :)

Rabbit Rabbit

Remember when we were kids and we beleived that if the first thing we said the morning of the first day of a month was "Rabbit rabbit" we would have good luck for the whole month?....Anybody?... I hope someone else knows what Im talking about lol

Needless to say, I never remembered to say "rabbit rabbit" first and always attributed my bad luck to forgetting to say it. Such a simple time....

Lately, Ive been thinking a lot about my childhood. I'm not sure why though. Ive just been feeling very nostalgic and Ive been remembering a lot of things that I never think about. Ive been relishing in remembering happier and simpler times when I was so carefree and didnt really understand the world. In other words, times when I wasnt so cynical.

I always attribute myself to being so grown up and mature but both a co-worker and my boyfriend recently told me that I act like a kid. I think its because Ive been letting go and just trying to be more carefree. I guess its been working.....My co-worker, Wally, also told me to just have some fun once in a while and I dont know why but that hit home.

I decided that I want to be jovial and young at heart. Im tired of the heavy, mature burden Ive been carrying my whole life. Carefree is something foreign to me but I dont want it to be any longer. I want to enjoy myself and do things a 23 year old should be doing. My youth is just beginning. Im not planning on having kids until Im at least 30 so I have a good 7 years to have fun.

And I think that FINALLY, Im gonna take advantage of that

*Thanks Wally