But I Will Hold on Hope

I feel light today

Light like a floaty in a ray of sunshine that pours past the curtains.

I feel good...like really good.

Euphoric

Things are making sense and falling into place

I have never felt this way before but this is a feeling that I do not want to let go of.

I can attribute my feeling to several things that have happened recently:

1. I learned how to say no without feeling bad about it or regretting it

2. I learned, and am still learning, how to set boundaries

3. I learned how to get myself back from the mess I lost myself in

4. I learned to empathize

5. I learned how to see things from another point of view

6. I learned that the person I have spent the last 6 years of my life with truly loves me, especially during the times when I havent loved myself.

Knowing this has truly warmed my heart

I have taken several steps to get to this feeling but I never expected it to be so grand. My journey is far from over but is already worth it. There is no doubt in my mind that I will continue digging deep within myself, confronting myself, challenging myself and accepting myself as I have been doing recently.

I think this is the closet to freedom that I have ever been

Title of post is from "The Cave" by Mumford and Sons

So This Is Inevitable Withdrawal...

I have been seeing a therapist the past few months (totally not ashamed to admit this) and last night he said something that really stuck with me. I thought I should share it because it's something that's just good to know.

I was telling him how I felt like I had worked so hard in school and at work to get to where I am in my life right now and that certain people (mainly my parents) didnt even notice and have never validated my success. Then he said that there are 3 things that nobody could ever take away from you. They are: 1. Your education; 2. Your pride; and 3. Your awareness of self.

As long as you have your education, your pride and you are aware of who you are and what you have accomplished, then you dont need validation from anybody. Truer words have never been spoken.

Below is "Tears Dry On Their Own" by Amy Winehouse. I feel she experienced self discovery in this song.

We Only Said Goodbye With Words

Well, it's obvious I wont be finishing the 30 day challenge. I just don't want to anymore and it feels good to leave it incomplete. I am okay with that.

I feel like the past few months have been a journey of self discovery for me. All the things happening with my family have kept me thinking about so much. I have realized many things, seen things that have been right in front of me, analyzed things, figured things out and accepted much. It has not been easy and it is nowhere near over either. I know my latest postings have all been dark but that is how I have been feeling and I simply cannot fake any other emotions.

The most prominent emotion that I feel as of lately is loneliness. A crippling loneliness I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy (not that I have one...at least not that I know of.) I have not been able to find comfort in the presence of others and I am not able to find comfort in my own presence either. All these discoveries I am making about myself and my family, I cannot share with anyone. I don't want to damage anyone else's life with the truths that I have discovered. I don't want to change any one's opinion of somebody else based on something that I have realized, so I just keep it all to myself.

I don't know if this is the right thing to do but it seems like it for now. I am coping by disassociation because that is the only way I know how to deal. It is a practiced skill that has helped me survive. The mere thought of further analyzing the truth makes me panic. I tuck it away until I find the time to let myself unravel. There are daily reminders of these truths and there are times where I almost fall apart, but I collect myself. I remember reading somewhere (I think it was "Eat, Pray, Love") that when you let yourself unravel, it is hard to reel yourself back in and then you are more likely to easily fall apart, so breaking down becomes a habit. I cannot let that happen, so I practice composure.

I did not intend for this post to get so dark but I could not control it. I do not guard my darkness with the same care that I guard my secrets with.

Lastly, here is "Back to Black" by Amy Winehouse. Kind of fitting for me right now...