Kissing in the Blue Dark-Lana del Rey

 Lana del Rey, whose real name is Elizabeth Grant, is a saucy, little vixen with a soulful, 50's and 60's inspired sound. Her obvious talent is in her song writing with controversial and almost inappropriate lyrics. For the most part, she is pretty underground (being a YouTube sensation and all) but is starting to make a name for herself, especially after her highly criticized SNL performance last year.

What I love about Lana del Rey is that she says what she wants in her lyrics and doesn't really care what people think. She is one of those troubled, free spirits that lives in her own world, much like Amy Winehouse. Although her voice doesn't compare to Amy Winehouse's, there is a sad undertone in her voice that just draws you in. Her range is pretty unique, which in turn makes her whole sound different and refreshing. She sort of emulates what you would expect to see and hear in jazz clubs/lounges back in the 50's and I absolutely love that

She has released 2 albums under the name Lana del Rey and they have both had much success. Her first album, "Born to Die," is one of those albums that you can listen to in its entirety. I could say that I love pretty much every track on there, with my favorites being "Blue Jeans," "Video Games," and "Million Dollar Man."  I pretty much obsessed with this album for months upon months and while I dont think that Lana del Rey will be a household name, I actually really love the fact that she will be a beautiful gem in the world of underground music.

 Listen below to one of her singles and probably my favorite song "Blue Jeans."

A Song For You

Am I the only one who tears up every time I hear an Amy Winehouse song? I literally tear up every time.

RIP Amy Jade Winehouse

The one I have the hardest time listening to is her cover of "A Song for You." It's been covered by dozens of artists before her because it is lyrically a beautiful song. She recorded this cover in one sitting in her own home. The session wasnt planned but they say she was emotionally attached to this song and basically wept through the entire recording.

You can definitely hear and feel her emotions while listening to the song. Ultimately, this cover is gut wrenchingly beautiful. In it's own rustic way, it is truly touching and emotionally charged. It brings me to tears every time I hear it. There is one particular part that really hits me hard. She says:

"And when my life is over

Remember, remember, remember

When we were together

And I was singing this song for you"

This song has been deemed her unofficial suicide note and many people think this is why she was so emotional while recording it. It definitely feels like a goodbye to her fans and loved ones and it brings a sense of closure to her posthumous album.

At the end of the song, she talks about Donnie Hathaway, who recorded the most popular cover of this song and who was her all time favorist artist. She says: "Donnie Hathaway...it was like he couldnt contain himself. He had something in him you know." If only she knew that many of us fans felt and still feel that way about her...

I'm So Tired, I Can't Even Cry

It is amazing what the human body is capable of. I never thought that I could do so many things with my body without it snapping or breaking in half. I have been working with a personal trainer up to three times a week for the past 4 weeks and every workout session, I surprise myself with what I am capable of doing. Every time I think I cant lift another pound or move another inch, I push through it and end up doing way more than I mentally thought I would be able to.

It is hard to understand how incredibly simple it is to just do it. Even if you think you cant, you literally just push the weight and do it. If you think your arms are gonna fall off, keep going. If your legs are jelly, just run a little more and you will be stunned at how much more you can do.Your body really does stay together and recover. If only life were this simple too...

In other news, I've been listening to this song non-stop. I can really relate right now...plus I still miss Amy. Her label and family are releasing a new album with some demos and unfinished songs she was working on before she passed. Definitely looking forward to it.

Here is "What It Is" by Amy Winehouse

So This Is Inevitable Withdrawal...

I have been seeing a therapist the past few months (totally not ashamed to admit this) and last night he said something that really stuck with me. I thought I should share it because it's something that's just good to know.

I was telling him how I felt like I had worked so hard in school and at work to get to where I am in my life right now and that certain people (mainly my parents) didnt even notice and have never validated my success. Then he said that there are 3 things that nobody could ever take away from you. They are: 1. Your education; 2. Your pride; and 3. Your awareness of self.

As long as you have your education, your pride and you are aware of who you are and what you have accomplished, then you dont need validation from anybody. Truer words have never been spoken.

Below is "Tears Dry On Their Own" by Amy Winehouse. I feel she experienced self discovery in this song.

We Only Said Goodbye With Words

Well, it's obvious I wont be finishing the 30 day challenge. I just don't want to anymore and it feels good to leave it incomplete. I am okay with that.

I feel like the past few months have been a journey of self discovery for me. All the things happening with my family have kept me thinking about so much. I have realized many things, seen things that have been right in front of me, analyzed things, figured things out and accepted much. It has not been easy and it is nowhere near over either. I know my latest postings have all been dark but that is how I have been feeling and I simply cannot fake any other emotions.

The most prominent emotion that I feel as of lately is loneliness. A crippling loneliness I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy (not that I have one...at least not that I know of.) I have not been able to find comfort in the presence of others and I am not able to find comfort in my own presence either. All these discoveries I am making about myself and my family, I cannot share with anyone. I don't want to damage anyone else's life with the truths that I have discovered. I don't want to change any one's opinion of somebody else based on something that I have realized, so I just keep it all to myself.

I don't know if this is the right thing to do but it seems like it for now. I am coping by disassociation because that is the only way I know how to deal. It is a practiced skill that has helped me survive. The mere thought of further analyzing the truth makes me panic. I tuck it away until I find the time to let myself unravel. There are daily reminders of these truths and there are times where I almost fall apart, but I collect myself. I remember reading somewhere (I think it was "Eat, Pray, Love") that when you let yourself unravel, it is hard to reel yourself back in and then you are more likely to easily fall apart, so breaking down becomes a habit. I cannot let that happen, so I practice composure.

I did not intend for this post to get so dark but I could not control it. I do not guard my darkness with the same care that I guard my secrets with.

Lastly, here is "Back to Black" by Amy Winehouse. Kind of fitting for me right now...

Amy, Amy, Amy

RIP

Amy Jade Winehouse

9/14/83 - 7/23/11

May You Finally Find Peace...

I am deeply saddened by the news of Amy Winehouse's death this weekend. I am usually not really affected by the death of people I dont really know, especially celebrities, but Amy Winehouse's death affected me deeply. She was possibly my favorite female singer of all time and "Back to Black" is one of my all time favorite albums. I feel like I have lost a friend...

"Back to Black" and her first album "Frank" were the only albums I listened to for a very long time. Her music was the only music that made me feel anything. I listened to her during the day, at night, during my long bus rides to work, while taking a shower, while doing homework, studying, cleaning, writing, walking, you name it and Amy was with me. She restored my faith in music and introduced me to a genre of music that I didnt know existed and didnt know I loved so much.

Amy and her music were also with me through some of my deepest and darkest times. Times in which I didnt allow anyone in and didnt seek for anyone as I do now. When I first became depressed, "Back to Black" was like a crutch to me. It held me up. At the time, Amy's pain in that album mirrored mine. It was greater than mine, even. I related to her angst, her despair and her suffering from losing herself to the man she felt was the love of her life at the time. I felt I had lost myself to a darkness I didnt even know I was capable of. She made me feel like I wasnt alone. I wasnt the only one suffering something greater than me.

I never cared that Amy Winehouse was an alcoholic and a drug addict. Everyone has their demons and everyone chooses how to fight them. I knew she was troubled but to me that just made her music even better. These songs werent written for her by some mass pop producer, these were songs written by her in her times of woe and desolation and you heard it in her voice, in her lyrics, in her tone. "Back to Black" was raw and it was real...otherwise it would have not won 5 Grammys like it did in 2009.

Amy Winehouse was tragically beautiful person. Her death only reassures this. She was a tortured soul with a gift for writing and a beautiful, unique voice. I have never judged her and I never will. She was sick and misunderstood and perhaps she was too far gone to have found her solace while alive. Her music was my solace. Her music made me feel alive. It impacted me enough to help me save myself. I just wish it would have been enough to save her too....

In honor of Amy Winehouse, I'll post one of her songs in the next 9 posts I make (9 days is the usual mourning time in DR). Below is my favorite song, "Wake Up Alone:"

Day 1- Your Favorite Song

This is a difficult one because I have so many favorite songs and it all depends on how my life is at the moment. In the past years, my musical tastes and knowledge have really expanded so it has become even more difficult to choose one. So, my decision is based on the song that has had the most impact in my life out of all my favorite songs.

The song is "Bruised" by Jack's Mannequin.

Certain lyrics in this song really affected me and caused changes in my life. Overall, I just think this is a beautiful song in every way. I hope that others enjoy it as much as I do.

Honorable Mentions:

1. Wake Up Alone-Amy Winehouse

2. Lightness-Death Cab for Cutie

3. Hole in My Soul-Aerosmith

Memories Mar My Mind...

Lately, my weekends have been consisting of Lifetime movie marathons. It reminds me of when I was younger and my sister and I would wake up and watch Lifetime movies all day long for the entire weekend. We were obsessed. We would shower quickly between commercial breaks and would run to the kitchen to get something to eat. We would watch movie after movie and just be so content. This was a much simpler time.



I wonder if things like these are why my childhood was so limited. People always talk about things they did as kids that I have no idea about. They seem so surprised when I tell them that I never saw a certain movie that "everyone" watched or that I never played a certain game that "everyone" played. I didnt even know these experiences were missing from my life until others bring them up.



I attribute my lack of childhood experiences to two things:

First, I've always been different and I have known this for a while. I've never found myself attracted to the things that most people are attracted to. Maybe I just wasnt interested in said movie "everyone" watched or said game "everyone" played. Maybe I was busy doing other things that I found cool and exciting that others might have not.

Second, my parents were very strict and protective. They were also immigrants who werent familiar with the American way children in the United States were raised. Maybe I didnt do these things because my parents didnt know about them or maybe they didnt want me to do them because they didnt think it was safe.



I have very little recollection of my childhood years. I might have done all those things that other kids did but I just cant recall them. At this point in my life, I am not certain if my limited recollectoin is because I just simply have a terrible memory or because I have intentionally erased these memories from my mind. If I'm being honest with myself, deep in my heart, I know that the typical kid things cannot be remembered because I never did them and that the reason for the terrible recollection of my childhood is because there is nothing to remember. I didnt have a childhood. I've been an adult for as far as my memory allows me to remember.



Sadly, I will never know if I would have turned out a different person than I am now if maybe I would have watched the damn movie or played the damn game. And maybe I dont really care anymore



Title of post is from "Love is a Losing Game" by Amy Winehouse