Amy, Amy, Amy

RIP

Amy Jade Winehouse

9/14/83 - 7/23/11

May You Finally Find Peace...

I am deeply saddened by the news of Amy Winehouse's death this weekend. I am usually not really affected by the death of people I dont really know, especially celebrities, but Amy Winehouse's death affected me deeply. She was possibly my favorite female singer of all time and "Back to Black" is one of my all time favorite albums. I feel like I have lost a friend...

"Back to Black" and her first album "Frank" were the only albums I listened to for a very long time. Her music was the only music that made me feel anything. I listened to her during the day, at night, during my long bus rides to work, while taking a shower, while doing homework, studying, cleaning, writing, walking, you name it and Amy was with me. She restored my faith in music and introduced me to a genre of music that I didnt know existed and didnt know I loved so much.

Amy and her music were also with me through some of my deepest and darkest times. Times in which I didnt allow anyone in and didnt seek for anyone as I do now. When I first became depressed, "Back to Black" was like a crutch to me. It held me up. At the time, Amy's pain in that album mirrored mine. It was greater than mine, even. I related to her angst, her despair and her suffering from losing herself to the man she felt was the love of her life at the time. I felt I had lost myself to a darkness I didnt even know I was capable of. She made me feel like I wasnt alone. I wasnt the only one suffering something greater than me.

I never cared that Amy Winehouse was an alcoholic and a drug addict. Everyone has their demons and everyone chooses how to fight them. I knew she was troubled but to me that just made her music even better. These songs werent written for her by some mass pop producer, these were songs written by her in her times of woe and desolation and you heard it in her voice, in her lyrics, in her tone. "Back to Black" was raw and it was real...otherwise it would have not won 5 Grammys like it did in 2009.

Amy Winehouse was tragically beautiful person. Her death only reassures this. She was a tortured soul with a gift for writing and a beautiful, unique voice. I have never judged her and I never will. She was sick and misunderstood and perhaps she was too far gone to have found her solace while alive. Her music was my solace. Her music made me feel alive. It impacted me enough to help me save myself. I just wish it would have been enough to save her too....

In honor of Amy Winehouse, I'll post one of her songs in the next 9 posts I make (9 days is the usual mourning time in DR). Below is my favorite song, "Wake Up Alone:"

Day 21- A Picture of Something That Makes You Happy

Aaron, Alyssa, and Alex

Day 20-Write a Letter to Someone

Dear _____,

With age and experience, I have realized that you are not the person I have always thought you were. Looking back over the years, I see things that I was so oblivious to simply because I looked up to you. You were the strongest, wisest person I knew. You were someone I wanted to be like when I grew up.

Now that I am grown up, I am actively working on being the total opposite of you. It angers me that all this time, I had no clue about anything but yet it also saddens me because I dont think you have a clue either. You have hurt me in so many ways and it has taken me so many years to realize and accept. Every day I see something about you that I dont like. Everyday I notice something new about you that was right there all along and I just chose to ignore it.

But I cannot ignore these things any longer. The truth is that while you may be strong in your own way, you are a manipulative, selfish, controlling, self loathing, overbearing, negative and pessimistic person. You have influenced my entire life and my way of being. You have instilled in me all the qualities that I never wished to possess. You robbed me of my youth and of childhood experiences all because you needed someone to be there for you. I was never meant to be your friend. I was never meant to bear your burden. I was never meant to feel your pain but I had no choice because I didnt know any better back then.

However, I know better now and I will no longer continue to bear the brunt of your problems. I will no longer carry your issues on my shoulders. I will no longer continue to parent you, the way you should have done to me. I am forcing you to grow up and accept responsibilities for your own actions, suffer the consequences of your actions and accept the fact that you are far from perfect. I will no longer make decisions for you, so that when things go wrong you have someone else to blame. I will not suffer for your mistakes.

I love you more than words could describe and I will never stop loving you, no matter what happens, but I cannot allow you to continue to force me to live for you and only you. I have to live for myself and you cant and wont make me feel guilty about it anymore.

Yours Truly,

Maurylyne

Day 19-Write About a Sweet Memory From Your Past

I have quite a limited memory, however I do remember a few things that make me smile. For example, I remember when school was out for the summer, my sister and me used to do so many things to keep ourselves entertained.

I remember we used to go to the library with our two best friends and we use to take out all the RL Stine books and try to read every single one of them throughout the summer. We also used to walk around looking for an open fire hydrant to play around in (I grew up in the Bronx, this was our idea of sprinklers and a pool).

We used to stay up late watching MTV and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches EVERY SINGLE DAY. We also used to watch The Golden Girls marathon every time it came on. We used to rollerblade outside our building, but only from corner to corner, we couldnt turn. Or we used to go to the park near our house and pretty much just waste time all day. Those were the days...

Day 18-Plans/Dreams/Goals You Have

Questions are pretty general and repetitive huh? Or maybe I just never know what to say for these things. I dont have any particularly special plans, dreams or goals. Really I am just trying to live day by day and taking it easy. I am tired of planning my life.

Right now my focus are the following things:

1. Getting healthy physically, mentally and emotionally
2. Finish unpacking/organizing/decorating my new apartment
3. Go to a pool/beach/waterpark...something with water before the summer ends
4. Take a vacation somewhere (Florida is my goal for next month)
5. Start planning a small wedding, aiming for setting a date in early Summer 2012
6. Enjoy the nice weather while it lasts
7. Finish watching Dexter Season 4 and 5

I am sure that next month, I will have a few more but for now, I just want to relax.

Day 17- Someone You Would Want To Switch Lives with For One Day and Why

What a strange question, which I have no idea how to answer. I guess I dont have a specific person I would want to switch lives with. I would certainly switch with anyone who is living and I mean really living. Someone who is enjoying their life and their youth. Someone who is doing what they want, when they want. Someone who has time to wander about and find things and places and people. Someone who has time to have a picnic or just lay in the grass for hours on end.

Someone who has the opportunity to explore the world and wont have to worry about work, troubles, responsiblity, stress, bills, savings, laundry, cleaning, stress, gas, electricity, cable, stress, eating right, deadlines, money, rent, and the list goes on and on.

I guess to sum it up in one word, I would switch lives with anyone who is FREE.

Day 16- A Picture of Yourself

Well I thought I had this covered with the first post of this little exercise but I guess not. I havent taken any pics since I went to a babyshower at the end of June, so thats's the pic I'm putting up. I would post one of me today but I really dont like taking pictures of myself...at all.

Day 15-Put Your Ipod on Shuffle: First 10 Songs That Play

Here is my outcome; pretty diverse I would say:

1. Amy Winehouse- Me and Mr. Jones

2. Snow Patrol-Open Your Eyes

3. Evanescence-My Immortal

4. My Chemical Romance-Cemetery Drive

5. Ciara- Promise

6. Three Days Grace-Never Too Late

7. Bayside-Dont Call Me Peanut

8. The Verve-Bittersweet Symphony

9. Something Corporate-Down

10. Paramore-Careful

Day 14- A Picture of You and Your Family

Dad, Mom, Chris (brother), Me, Teresa (Sister)

It saddens me to look at this picture because I dont know if we will ever get to take another picture of the 5 of us together. It also saddens me because I dont think there are any other pictures of us besides this one. Were we ever happy?
I'll never know...

We All Fall Short of Glory

I'm gonna interrupt my attempt to blog everyday for a month since I didnt exactly do it right anyway.

This morning while watching the video for "Closer to the Edge" by 30 Seconds to Mars, someone in the video said "Dont regret anything you do because in the end it makes you who you are," and for some reason this really hit home.

I have spent the past few years of my life regretting everything I ever did wrong. Every decision that didnt lead to a good outcome, every word that came out wrong, every action that was misinterpreted, every look, every breath, just pretty much EVERYTHING I have ever done. I had never stopped to realize that all these decisions I have made, have made me who I am today.

If it wasnt for all these actions that I punish myself over, what would my life be like today? If it wasnt for all these mistakes that keep me up at night, then what other problems would? If it wasnt for all the guilt I have felt, then what would I be feeling right now? Who would I be?

If I had this realization a few years back, I would have wished to not have any regrets and just risk being somebody else. But at this very moment in time, I am old enough and confident enough to know that I am who I am and I cannot change that. All of these regrets have taught me lessons. They have shaped me and made me a smarter and wiser person, and I cannot regret experiencing things that have had such a huge impact on my very being.

Perhaps the most powerful part of this realization, is that I finally accept myself. I realized that I really dont want to be anybody else... I just want to be a better version of myself.


Here is the 30 Seconds to Mars video:




Title post from "Closer to the Edge"

Day 13-Your 5 Favorite Books and Why

Man it is very hard to make decisions!! I am trying my best, here goes (in no particular order):

1. The Catcher in the Rye-JD Salinger

I read this book in high school and then re-read it recently and realized how much I loved this book. This books really describes the difficulty of realizing that you are becoming an adult. Everything changes when you no longer view the world with the wonder that kids do and this book shows that it really isnt easy to handle and the truth is that it really fucks with our head.

2. The Notebook-Nicholas Sparks

I saw the movie first and when I found out there was a book, I knew I had to read it. I am not one to be a sucker for love stories, but I loved this one. The book was better than the movie and it is just a beautiful story over all. It shows that true love does last, no matter what happens and its nice to have that hope sometimes.

3.Looking For Alaska-John Greene

A friend recommended this book and it quicklybecame a favorite. It is another book about growing up and seeing things through different eyes. Going through adult situtations, making adult decisions all while trying to hold on to your childhood. Some of us cant handle adulthood, and some of us have been adults our whole lives.

4. The Five People You Meet in Heaven-Mitch Albom

This book made me realize that everyone is connected in some way. All of our actions affect other people. We might think that we have nothing to do with the person sitting next to us, but we have some sort of impact on everyone at some point in time. I realized that the world is much more than just me and my family, New York, my job, my friends, etc. Knowing this is both scary and amazing at the same time.

5. Twilight Series-Stephenie Meyer

Technically this could count as 4 books, but I'll count it as one VERY VERY long book since it is a series. I usually dont read anything fantasy or anything romance but I saw the first movie and was very interested in the books. I guess that deep down, we all like a good love story. The vampires make it interesting and the passion and love demonstrated between Edward and Bella is admirable. Everyone has an Edward and that is good to know

Day 11-Write a Poem to Someone You Love

It has been a LONG time since I have done this, but here it goes:

I was doubtful about you
Could not predict our future
Couldnt clearly see you and me becoming we
Not enough reasons to be together
But plenty to stay apart

Yet I jumped in anyway
With my heart then my brain
At times, my decision seemed foolish
Naive, stupid, immature
I never knew if I had done the right thing

Until one day, I heard your laughter
It rose from the pit of your stomach
It rang through your chest
That sound, that precious sound
Took away all doubt from my mind

Everything has been worth it
All the struggles, obstacles and trials
Everything is worth doing again
As long as I get to hear your laughter
For the rest of my life

Day 11-Write a Bucket List of Things to Do Before You Die

Man, I have been working on a bucket list for years and I never complete it...also I can never find the lists I make so I could never consolidate them. Maybe I can do it here and refer back to it. Here is what I can remember off the top of my head, in no particular order:

1. Travel the world (Europe, Africa, Paris, China, etc)

2. Buy a dream home

3. Go sky diving or bungee jumping

4. Get in shape-be happy with myself physically

5. Find a career that makes me happy

6. Explore the city (Manhattan)

7. Be vegan for a while

8. Publish a magazine article/excerpt

9.Watch all Oscar Winning films going back to the year 2000

10. Go on a road trip

11.Go scuba diving

12.Ride in a hot air ballon

13.Take a long walk on the beach at night

14.Open up a bakery/bookstore/coffee shop

15.Get rid of all debt

16. Learn to play guitar

17.Learn to speak French

18. Read all the classic books or the NY Times Best Sellers

19.Read the Bible (from start to finish)

20. Live in another country in my adult life

21.Experience and feel unconditional love all the time

22.Have a photography session and frame all my pictures

23.Run a 5k marathon

24.Learn to ride a motorcycle

25.Be HAPPY

I'll make an official one and add/cross things off as life goes on

Day 10-Songs You Listen to When You Are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad

This might be a hard one. I have sooo many songs I listen to with every mood. Sometimes a song makes me feel a certain way as oppose to me feeling a certain way and listening to a song. I have tried to narrow it down here:

Mad: I dont really listen to music when I'm mad

Bored: ANYTHING, if I am bored, I am not gonna be picky.

Happy:
Tighten Up-Black Keys
Mirrors-Envy on the Coast
Mary-Kings of Leon
Bliss-Muse

Sad:
Detlef Schrempf-Band of Horses
First Love-Adele
They Looked Like Strong Hands-Bayside
Transatlanticism-Death Cab for Cutie
Someone Like You-Adele

Hyped:
Lisztomania-Phoenix
Ready to Start-Arcade Fire
Monster-Kanye West
You Know I'm No Good-Amy Winehouse
Plug In Baby-Muse

*I added this category*
Nostalgic:
Infinite Arms-Band of Horses (actually this song could fall into every category)
For Emma-Bon Iver
Swim-Jack's Mannequin
Gravity-John Mayer
Manhattan-Kings of Leon

Day 9- Something You're Proud of in the Past Few Days

I am not one to readily admit I have been wrong. I guess maybe it is because most of the time, I usually am right and that tends to make me a know-it-all and kind of a smart ass. I dont do it intentionally...I just sort of come off that way.

I have been seeing a therapist lately because of several issues that have been going on with my family, my father in particular. This therapist has pointed out several things about my parents that I have never realized before. He also pointed out several things that I do in my relationship that mirrors what my parents do in theirs.

One of these things I mirror from my mother is playing the victim. I poke and push and provoke Victor until he cant take it anymore and lashes out at me. Then I play the whole "I dont deserve for you to yell at me/You dont have a reason to be so mad/Why would you speak to me that way?" role. But the truth is that if you provoke someone enough times and for a period of time, they are inevitably going to explode. How could I not expect Victor to lash out when I have been nagging him incessantly?

After having that very life changing and very difficult epiphany, I have been making the effort to catch myself doing this. And I have caught myself..more than once. The first time I caught myself, I walked away from him, took several minutes to compose myself and then actually took responsibility for my actions and gave him the true and heartfelt apology he deserved.

I was very proud of myself because I set my pride aside (which was difficult), accepted responsibility (which was more difficult) and said "I'm sorry" and actually meant it from the bottom of my heart (which was the most difficult). It felt liberating to do this and it took him by surprise. He never expected it and it definitely shifted the dynamic of our relationship. So in the end, it was so worth it

Day 8- Short Term Goals For This Month and Why

The month of July is halfway over but I have some very basic and very simple goals to end this month:

1. Finish organizing/setting up my new apartment

I just recently moved to a new apartment (the 4th time in 3 years and the last time for many years to come). I have not had time to finish unpacking boxes or setting things up the way I want them to be. I am gonna take my time with this place because this is where I plan to be for the next few years. When I move from here, its because I purchased a house.

2. Enjoy the beautiful warm weather

It's summertime! I havent been to a pool or beach yet. I am gonna push my insecurities aside and just head to a location with water, sun and relaxation

3. Enjoy seasonal flavors, scents and foods

I try to do this every season. For summer, I am going to enjoy lemonades, mint, rasberries, clean linen, citrus, tomatoes, green tea, and sunshine