You Are My Sweetest Downfall

I need a change. I want to do something to my hair. Dye it or cut it but I dont know what and I'm scared to do anything I wont like but I'm sick of the same shit.

In other news, I wont be continuing my dance classes for October. I dont think I will have the time to get there even once a week. Work is going to get very busy that month since I have to go through a yearly audit for one of my sectors. I was told that I should plan to work later until mid November. Late as in 8 or 9pm every day. At this point, suicide is certainly looking mighty fine.

I need a reason to want to wake up in the morning and at the moment I have none. I need a good book to get lost in. A good movie to lose myself in. Anything that will remove me from my reality. I find myself wishing that I was drunk the majority of the time that I am conscious and the cigarettes I am smoking are increasing daily.

I miss my car. I miss having the freedom of just driving somewhere and not depending on the schedule of a train or bus. I hate not having a way to get places and I hate the fact that its been raining for the past 3 days. My hair looks like shit and that's exactly what I feel like.

I have been wanting to take a long walk and just think and think and think until my brain begs me to shut down. I want to walk until my legs buckle...until I reach the point where exhaustion overwhelms me and I fall asleep as soon as my head touches the pillow. I want to fall into an oblivion where figures seem distant and blurry and I dont know if I am dreaming or awake.

Up until now, I have never understood how people get addicted to drugs or alcohol since it alters their reality, but I completely understand now. I understand the need to escape and the need to feel like nothing is real. The need to just view figures and shapes and just get inklings of feelings, but not really feel or see anything at all. I just want to sleep through the rest of this endless life.

When will I want to wake up?

Title of post is "Samson" by Regina Spektor. Great song...so fitting for me right now

And Take A Little Walk, When the Worst Is To Come

Still on my Band of Horses streak. This is my song of the moment: "Detlef Schrempf"

Something that has been a constant in my life for years, might be coming to end. While there is some relief, I feel massive amounts of sorrow. I am drowning in it.

"And say you're at a loss or forgot that words can do more than harm"

This lyric from this song resonates deep within me in a way I cant even explain. It says so much without saying anything at all and no truer words have ever been said.

Words...

They can do so much damage and yet sometimes all you need is a few words to make everything better. I'm Sorry...I love you...so small and so simple and yet they have the power to reverse the irrevocable.

One word can be interpreted so many different ways. One word can come out wrong or absolutely right. Interpretations of these words is just as important as the words themselves. My interpretations have broken me. His interpretations have broken him.

I say things I dont mean. So does he....and though words are fleeting and intangible, the damage they cause is worse than physical pain. You cannot measure how to heal from the pain of words. It is not visible to the eye like a physical scar is. Sometimes you never heal and sometimes the damage cannot be undone.

If this enormous part of life does come to an end, it will not be because of what was said, it will be because of interpretations that were misread and because we did not read between the lines. It will be because of words left unsaid...

By the way, if anyone gets a chance, please listen to Band of Horses "Infinite Arms" performed live. It is breathtaking and evokes emotions that lay dormant. There is something about this song that tugs at my very being. I can physically feel it affecting me. This song is an experience...it is almost supernatural. I hope whoever listens to it can feel what I feel when I hear it.

Others Came Before Me, Others To Come

I have been meaning to blog for weeks but havent felt like I have anything new to say. I have been stuck in my rut and I have not seen the light at the end of my tunnel.

I cant sleep. I am drinking massive amounts of coffee in the morning and I feel like I am coming down with a cold...again. Is there another word for misery? I am tired of repeating myself.

Been listening to a lot of Band of Horses lately. Their melancholy beats suit my moods, particularly in their song "Infinite Arms." I interpret the song to be about death but I can also see how it can be about love. It is a perfect crossfire and the feelings it emits fit me to a T. It reminds me of him...

I feel like I am dead. I most certainly do not feel alive. And while I feel love, I have learned tough lessons about love. It does not conquer all. It does not heal. It is not the solution to everything. Love is more work and sacrifice than anything else. Love requires effort. Love is difficult and complicated and often causes more problems than it solves. Love is scarring and can be hurtful. Love can make you oblivious and can consume you whole. Once you fall into it, you are never the same.

Some say it is worth all the pain, some say it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Me? I dont know anymore...

Enjoy "Infinite Arms"

Blame It On Bad Luck

I am on a bad luck streak. My car was attacked last week in the middle of the night while it was PARKED on the block I live on. Some asshole hit her and just kept going. This person hit my car with so much force that it ended up on the sidewalk and it banged into the car parked behind me. So the whole front driver side is destroyed and in pieces as is my driver side tire and rim and my bumper. This was quite an unexpected surprise.

This person MUST have been drunk because I refuse to beleive that people just destroy other peoples' property and dont even think twice about it. I mean how do you just drive away like that? This asshole is causing me so much stress. I had to have the car towed and its sitting in an auto repair shop until my insurance company sends one of their people to "appraise" the car. Then the auto mechanic can start repairing the car. All this can take weeks so I dont even know when I am getting my car back.

All the while, because I am cheap and didnt add a rental car to my policy, I now have to wake up at the asscrack of dawn to catch a 1 hr train ride to work. Then I have to call a taxi to pick me up from the train station and take me to the office. Not to mention that the insurance policy I picked (since I was being cheap again) has a $500 deductible that has to come out of MY pocket. And the worst part is that I just KNOW that my insurance is going to increase now even though I was not at fault. They are gonna say that I live in a "high risk" area since this happened, so I might not even be able to afford to pay for car insurance after this.

Meanwhile, the son a bitch that hit me probably has some minor damage to his or her car and is going about their merry fucking way with $500 in their pocket and a ride to work. How fucking fantastic for them! I am still in so much shock that I am not even mad. I am just upset and disappointed in the human race.

Then, the day after my car almost died, I end up losing my wallet. Not my entire huge wallet with all my credit cards but a small wallet I use for the weekends where I only keep my cash, license, and debit card. This small wallet was an authentic Gucci that I paid too much money for and it's lost along with my license and debit card (I'm broke so I didnt have cash.) The good thing is since I have no car til God knows when, I dont really need my license. And since I'm broke, I guess I'll be able to save some money since I have no debit card and no way of taking out any cash unless I get to a bank before they close. My bank closes at 3pm... I get home from work at 6:30pm. I aint making it on time.

Now for the straw that broke the camel's back. I am working from home today because, well, I have no car or money. I decide to have my breakfast in my bedroom where I planed on staying the whole day. I NEVER eat in the bedroom, EVER. Its a sacred place to me that I like to keep super clean. Well, I broke my rule today and I paid for it because I end up spilling my entire 160z mug of coffee all over my bed, carpet and my white curtains. I had to change my bed sheets and I attempted to soak up the coffee from the carpet while I thought to myself "Thank God I made an extra pot of coffee this morning!" Sadly, I think my carpet is stained and now my bedroom smells like coffee.

And surprisingly enough, I am not even mad at the fact that the world seems to have something against me this week. I really and truly feel nothing. I am treating these things as inconveniences for me. I dont know if this lack of feeling is a good thing...or a bad one, but I dont even care enough to figure it out.

Just Stuck Inside The Gloom

My lack of motivation to do anything is astounding. I cannot comprehend how my only desire is to lay around and watch TV. My apartment is like a cave that I am hibernating in, despite the fact that the weather is still pleasent. There isnt even anything good on TV. I've passed the time watching ridiculous things that exist solely for entertainment.

Everything bores me these days.

Having fun means getting off my fat ass and doing something and at the moment, the way I feel, its like that is not even an option. I just feel so tired. I am tired of all the things that I put up with and have gotten accustomed to. I am tired of just feeling like I have settled for what life has to offer. I am tired of saying that I am going to do something and then never following through with it. It seems that I am not a woman of my word and although I dont like it, I have come to accept it, just as I have accepted everything else in my life.

I have settled

What will it take to wake me out of my slumber? What needs to happen in order for me to become motivated? I have too much time on my hands, and yet not enough.

Never enough....

Time waits for no one and every second I spend unmotivated is a second I have lost forever. And sadly, I think I am becoming ok with that. I guess my dreams and goals dont need to be achieved. I am starting to accept that I will never be skinny, I will never travel the world, I will never buy a house...

I will always be unhappy

I have settled and it depresses me to the point where I suffocate on my acceptance. To the point where I want to disassociate from my reality. To the point where nothing makes sense anymore because with settling, I feel I am doing something I swore I would never do:

I am giving up

Title of post is "Why Georgia?" by John Mayer

Deadly Passion

Here is something Victor wrote yesterday. I am happy he had the courage to show it to me. I really like it and wanted to share:

Why can't shit change? I'm going through pain

It's driving me insane

Heart is soaking in the pouring rain

It's a shame

Everyday that goes by my soul cries

Wondering why try if I'm living to die?

My love, my best friend, my partner in crime

You're always there at the wrong time

You're a part of me and always will be

But I will never be free

Cuz you always get the best of me

I love you so, you help me grow

And the burning pain you've caused

I cover it up like a car buried in snow

But it's time to let you go, my beautiful love

You will always be my friend, but now a distant stranger

I finally graduated, so here's to you

My one and only

ANGER

She's So Vacant, Her Soul Is Taken

My unhappiness peaked yesterday. My gasket was blown. My stress reached irrational levels. I now understand how people can just up and quit a job and not think twice about the consequences.

I HATE MY JOB

It makes me miserable. I am giving away the best years of my life to a company that doesnt give a shit about me and that will outsource my job in a nano second. Is this what life is supposed to be like? Is everyone else saying the same thing about their jobs? Are there people who are actually happy with their jobs? Does that even exist? It seems so impossible to me.

I have never had a job that I enjoyed. Mostly because they were all just that: jobs....but this is my career! This is supposed to be what I spend the rest of my life doing. This is what I dedicated 4 years of my life in college to. My God, I didnt know myself back then because if I did, I would NEVER have picked this career.

I used to think that the company I worked for was the bad one and thats what made me miserable, but in my irrationality yesterday (is that a word?) I had one clear, rational thought: "I was not meant to be an accountant." My misery in my career has nothing to do with the company I work for, although it does add to it, but it has everything to do with my career choice.

Now that I think back to it, all the signs were clear. I never enjoyed numbers. I never enjoyed Math. It was my weakest subject. I am a woman of words and books, not numbers and equations. I initially liked the fact that accounting was black and white. Debits must always equal credits. It made me comfortable to know that there was always a wrong and a right. But now that I am older and much less naive, I realize that the world is gray. There are exceptions to rules and there is never a wrong and a right.

Everything about who I am goes against this career choice. I have outgrown it. I keep telling myself that the money makes up for the misery but the truth is that I dont get paid enough to fake the satisfaction I should feel. Money really cant buy happiness....and I am finding this out the hard way.

Title of Post is from "He Can Only Hold Her" by Amy Winehouse

Hide Your Kids, Hide Your Wife

I know everyone has seen this YouTube video called "Bed Intruder," which was an actual news broadcast that a group ofwas turned into a song using autotune. It is one of the funniest things I have seen in a long time. I could not beleive it was an actual news broadcast, but if you google it you can find what they showed on the news.

The guy, Antoine Dodson, is being interviewed after he scared off a man that has been raping people in Lincoln Park. Anotine's sister wakes up to find the man in bed with her about to rape her. Antoine is so flamboyant and theatrical that its hilarious. The topic might be serious but its hard not to laugh when you see how Antoine reacts.

This song has been stuck in my head for a while. My favorite part is when he makes a "threat" to the rapist and tells him that he doesnt have to come and confess because they are looking for him and they are gonna find him. That is fucking priceless!!

Seasons

I am so excited that it is September 1st today. Yes, time has flown by at alarming speed but I am excited because September means that it is almost Autumn!

I love this time of year passionately. It's not too warm (although its been over 90 degrees lately) but its not too cold. There is just a clean, crisp chill in the air. Perfect to have some hot chocolate or some apple cider or warm pumpkin spice coffee. I love the colors associated with Autumn-the bright burnt oranges and reds and the browns and dark yellows. I love the smells associated with this season-the pumpkin, nutmeg, cinnamon, hazelnut, etc. I absolutely love it!!!

I wish I could find a place where it was permanently fall. I think that would make me really happy. Since Fall only lasts like 2 months, I am going to take advantage of it this year. Here are 10 things I plan to do:

1. Take more walks

2. Take pictures of the trees and leave colors

3. Collect twigs and leaves and make something out of it

4. Drink lots of any warm liquid that is pumpkin flavored

5. Infuse my home with autumn smells

6. Make pumpkin bread and sweet potatoe pies

7. Go to Farmers Markets

8. Go apple picking

9. Go row boating in Central Park

10. Rake a pile of leaves and then jump in

I guess that's all I have for now. If anyone else has any other activities, I'd love to hear them.