This is the sound of the unlocking and the lift away

Well, its almost February....which means a whole month has just slipped by without notice. I was pondering the other day and I had to ask myself how I have endured almost 24 winters? I HATE winter passionately. The only time I love winter is at the beginning of it, when it still feels like autumn, but just a little chillier. And when you start to see Christmas all around you and you smell cinnamon, nutmeg, all spice, and pine and there is just a light drizzle of snow in the air.

But then Christmas is gone and there is dirty snow and ice everywhere and the temperature is constantly in the teens. This is when I absolutely loathe winter. It makes me want to leave New York and move to the west coast or somewhere where it doesnt get so damn cold. And I would NOT be one of those people who would miss the snow. I would miss Christmas in New York, yes, but I could get over it.

The original purpose of this post was to comment on how time slips right by me. I am at a point in my life where I already accomplished most of the goals I had set for myself, so I dont really have much goals left. This makes me feel like I have no purpose in life..nothing to strive for or to look forward to.

I mean there are things that are far out of my reach that I would like to accomplish but then I tell myself to be realistic and to stop dreaming. And I realized that I am limiting myself to be safe, to not take risks, to stay in my comfort zone, to not put myself out there to be rejected or hurt and so basically I am telling myself not to live. I thought that I would be happy living this mundane, constantly safe life but I now I am certain that I will never be happy living this way and the thought of it just scares me.

This does not mean that now I will be taking cliche risks and "living life to the fullest" but I do want to make some sort of change. There is a show on MTV called "The Buried Life" where a bunch of guys made a list of 100 things they want to do before they die and they are out doing it. I find that so incredibly cool and liberating. To not have a care in the world and just do what you want to do. Ive never had that freedom, not because people have held me back, but because I have held myself back.

Ive never let myself have a full experience of something. I always touch on it and retreat back to my safety net, always stating the excuse that I am just different from everyone else. And in many ways, I am different and unique but that should not be a reason for me to hold back on living. I have so many regrets and so many missed opportunities to do things that I wanted to do but was scared to. Simple things that are part of life and that everyone experiences, like traveling, friendship, etc.

Ive managed to free myself from the shackles that the world and other people put around me my whole life, but I have not freed myself from myself. I truly am my own worst enemy. One of my biggest fears is to live a long life without any memories worth remembering. I dont want to be a bitter old person. I dont want to look back in life and regret not doing the things I wanted so Im gonna make my list of things I want to do before I die. I wont have the expectation that I will accomplish everything on my list but if I could accomplish a few of them, I think I will die happy :)


Title is a lyric from "Re: Stacks" by Bon Iver-another fuckawesome artist

I Was Held Up Bright, but I Was Held Up Battered...

I have been feeling better lately. Ive been making a conscious effort to feel better since the day I woke up to "Swim" (see last post). So I've been making myself go out and do things. And this weekend, I actually had a great time. I went into the city Friday, went to an AWESOME concert Saturday (which I will post more about) and cleaned and cooked Sunday.

Sunday was the most surprising day for me. Cleaning my house was an accomplishment because when I feel down, the last thing on my mind is cleaning....much less cooking but I did both :) oh and not to mention that I also did laundry..I know I know, call me Suzie Homemaker. These things are small signs that I am feeling better

I can honestly say that, once again, music has saved me.

Blog Title is a lyric from "A Fox in the Garden" by Paper Rival-an awesome band with haunting, insightful lyrics and a sound that gets to your soul. Sadly, the broke up two years ago but they definitely still have a strong underground following

I Swim For Brighter Days Despite the Absence of Sun

I woke up to "Swim" by Jack's Mannequin this morning and I realized that I have such a good life. I am healthy, I have a job, I have more than enough to eat, I can pay my bills, I have shelter, I have a family, a great, one of a kind boyfriend, great friends. I have safety, I have freedom, I am independent, etc. There are people who would kill to live the way I do. I mean, I could be living in Haiti and my life would be in chaos or I could be unemployed, starving, living in a shelter, or in a third world country....

And although things might not seem too bright and sunny at the moment, I know that I will eventually feel better. I am not sure what is going on with me right now but I will continue to swim for those days that I know will be brighter....

P.S. I *heart* Jack's Mannequin...

I've Become So Numb

I havent been doing too good lately. I've been feeling down. I mostly just want to disappear in my slumber. I'm not sure why I am in this downward spiral. All I want to do is sleep and hope that I will feel different once I awake. As Three Days Grace says: "I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all" and thats exactly what I feel, nothing at all.

Which is worse?

Pacing the Cage

"I never knew what you all wanted
So I gave you everything
All that I can pillage
All the spells that I could see
Its as if the thing were written
In the constitution of the age
Sooner or later, you'll wind up pacing the cage"

Pacing the Cage
Paper Rivals

I cried yesterday. I cried in a way that I havent cried in a long time. I cried as if I had lost something, as if I was in mourning. Yesterday was one of those days where everything I try to keep together felt like it was falling apart, so in some essence I was in mourning.

I am so tired. So tired. Tired of being the glue. Im tired of playing mediator to people who dont seem to care whether they get along or not. Im tired of being so tired of doing this. Ive played this role since my so called childhood. So called because I never had a childhood and I cant even remember a time when I didnt think like an adult. When I was about 9 years old, my mom asked me whether I thought her and my father should get a divorce. How do you ask a 9 year old this question? Funny thing is that I answered like an adult would. I said "Well, can you afford to be on your own? If not, then I think you guys should work it out." Yes, I was 9....

After all these years of always being there for everyone else, I have to wonder: what about me? Who ever wonders about me? Who solves my problems for me? Who gives me advice? Who is my glue?

No one....

People dont even know I have problems because, not only do I try to avoid them, but I solve my own problems right away. Most would say I am boring and dont take risks but thats only because when shit hits the fan, the only one there to clean everything up is me. No one is there for me yet I am expected to resolve all the bullshit drama everyone else creates.

And Im just tired. Tired of keeping myself together so that others wont fall apart. There is only so much I could handle and at the same time, I dont even know how to be any other way.

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole

First post of the new year. Ive been slaving at work. For those of you who are financially saavy, we have been reconciling our accounts for the entire year so that we can get release our 2009 earnings to our shareholders. In laymans terms this means: they have been slaving us so that we can tell people who invest in our company how much money we made in 2009.

I dont know if I am overworked and just exhausted, but I feel sad. This happens to me often. I will be just fine and all of a sudden, Im in a "mood." I have no control over it and I often dont realize its happening until I feel the way I feel today.

Let me attempt to put it into words. I feel like I am bored but I have too many things to do at once. I feel hopeless, nostalgic, spaced out, stressed, and just plain sad. It becomes difficult for me to move, to understand what people are saying and to even want to stay awake. Its so hard to make sense of this feeling because most times I have no reason to feel this way and because it just comes and goes at it pleases. I am no fool, I know that my symptoms can be googled and that it would result in some sort of mild depression, but I would rather not go there.

This reminds me of a lyric in "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot" by Brand New. It goes:

"A crown of gold; a heart thats harder than stone
It hurts a whole lot, but its missed when its gone"

Sometimes, for some reason, people like to feel pain and they like to feel sad. I remember feeling that way a long time ago. Thinking that I wanted to feel a little sad and just have a good cry. I guess its because to me pain and sadness has always been more familiar than happiness. That was before I knew what it was like to actually feel genuine, unexplained sadness. I have been depressed. I have known what its like to feel completely hopeless, to feel like you are spiraling downward in a bottomless, black hole. I have known what its like to make the effort to just get up and shower or to eat or to even take the next breath. I have known what its like to want to feel good...to feel normal and happy but not finding the effort to do so anywhere within your whole universe.

I have been there before....

And although pain is more familiar than happiness, I will NEVER go back there again. So I guess I will just continue to deal with my little "episodes" and my temporary periods of sadness because I dont ever want to be that person I was. I dont ever want to feel the way I once felt. And though that person I was may linger within me, to me she no longer exists.

She is merely a ghost of who I used to be...and of who I will never be