Day 19-Write About a Sweet Memory From Your Past

I have quite a limited memory, however I do remember a few things that make me smile. For example, I remember when school was out for the summer, my sister and me used to do so many things to keep ourselves entertained.

I remember we used to go to the library with our two best friends and we use to take out all the RL Stine books and try to read every single one of them throughout the summer. We also used to walk around looking for an open fire hydrant to play around in (I grew up in the Bronx, this was our idea of sprinklers and a pool).

We used to stay up late watching MTV and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches EVERY SINGLE DAY. We also used to watch The Golden Girls marathon every time it came on. We used to rollerblade outside our building, but only from corner to corner, we couldnt turn. Or we used to go to the park near our house and pretty much just waste time all day. Those were the days...

Mis Lagrimas Hacen Un Mar

Anyone remember Enrique Iglesias when he first came out and only sang in Spanish? One of his songs was the theme song to a novela that my Mom used to watch. It's a really beautiful song and I woke up singing it this morning for some strange reason. I remember my sister and me having the biggest crush on him because of this song too.

Those were the days....Here is "Si Tu Te Vas"

Rabbit Rabbit

Remember when we were kids and we beleived that if the first thing we said the morning of the first day of a month was "Rabbit rabbit" we would have good luck for the whole month?....Anybody?... I hope someone else knows what Im talking about lol

Needless to say, I never remembered to say "rabbit rabbit" first and always attributed my bad luck to forgetting to say it. Such a simple time....

Lately, Ive been thinking a lot about my childhood. I'm not sure why though. Ive just been feeling very nostalgic and Ive been remembering a lot of things that I never think about. Ive been relishing in remembering happier and simpler times when I was so carefree and didnt really understand the world. In other words, times when I wasnt so cynical.

I always attribute myself to being so grown up and mature but both a co-worker and my boyfriend recently told me that I act like a kid. I think its because Ive been letting go and just trying to be more carefree. I guess its been working.....My co-worker, Wally, also told me to just have some fun once in a while and I dont know why but that hit home.

I decided that I want to be jovial and young at heart. Im tired of the heavy, mature burden Ive been carrying my whole life. Carefree is something foreign to me but I dont want it to be any longer. I want to enjoy myself and do things a 23 year old should be doing. My youth is just beginning. Im not planning on having kids until Im at least 30 so I have a good 7 years to have fun.

And I think that FINALLY, Im gonna take advantage of that

*Thanks Wally

Memories Mar My Mind...

Lately, my weekends have been consisting of Lifetime movie marathons. It reminds me of when I was younger and my sister and I would wake up and watch Lifetime movies all day long for the entire weekend. We were obsessed. We would shower quickly between commercial breaks and would run to the kitchen to get something to eat. We would watch movie after movie and just be so content. This was a much simpler time.



I wonder if things like these are why my childhood was so limited. People always talk about things they did as kids that I have no idea about. They seem so surprised when I tell them that I never saw a certain movie that "everyone" watched or that I never played a certain game that "everyone" played. I didnt even know these experiences were missing from my life until others bring them up.



I attribute my lack of childhood experiences to two things:

First, I've always been different and I have known this for a while. I've never found myself attracted to the things that most people are attracted to. Maybe I just wasnt interested in said movie "everyone" watched or said game "everyone" played. Maybe I was busy doing other things that I found cool and exciting that others might have not.

Second, my parents were very strict and protective. They were also immigrants who werent familiar with the American way children in the United States were raised. Maybe I didnt do these things because my parents didnt know about them or maybe they didnt want me to do them because they didnt think it was safe.



I have very little recollection of my childhood years. I might have done all those things that other kids did but I just cant recall them. At this point in my life, I am not certain if my limited recollectoin is because I just simply have a terrible memory or because I have intentionally erased these memories from my mind. If I'm being honest with myself, deep in my heart, I know that the typical kid things cannot be remembered because I never did them and that the reason for the terrible recollection of my childhood is because there is nothing to remember. I didnt have a childhood. I've been an adult for as far as my memory allows me to remember.



Sadly, I will never know if I would have turned out a different person than I am now if maybe I would have watched the damn movie or played the damn game. And maybe I dont really care anymore



Title of post is from "Love is a Losing Game" by Amy Winehouse

Pacing the Cage

"I never knew what you all wanted
So I gave you everything
All that I can pillage
All the spells that I could see
Its as if the thing were written
In the constitution of the age
Sooner or later, you'll wind up pacing the cage"

Pacing the Cage
Paper Rivals

I cried yesterday. I cried in a way that I havent cried in a long time. I cried as if I had lost something, as if I was in mourning. Yesterday was one of those days where everything I try to keep together felt like it was falling apart, so in some essence I was in mourning.

I am so tired. So tired. Tired of being the glue. Im tired of playing mediator to people who dont seem to care whether they get along or not. Im tired of being so tired of doing this. Ive played this role since my so called childhood. So called because I never had a childhood and I cant even remember a time when I didnt think like an adult. When I was about 9 years old, my mom asked me whether I thought her and my father should get a divorce. How do you ask a 9 year old this question? Funny thing is that I answered like an adult would. I said "Well, can you afford to be on your own? If not, then I think you guys should work it out." Yes, I was 9....

After all these years of always being there for everyone else, I have to wonder: what about me? Who ever wonders about me? Who solves my problems for me? Who gives me advice? Who is my glue?

No one....

People dont even know I have problems because, not only do I try to avoid them, but I solve my own problems right away. Most would say I am boring and dont take risks but thats only because when shit hits the fan, the only one there to clean everything up is me. No one is there for me yet I am expected to resolve all the bullshit drama everyone else creates.

And Im just tired. Tired of keeping myself together so that others wont fall apart. There is only so much I could handle and at the same time, I dont even know how to be any other way.