Guilt

Guilt has to be one of the worst emotions to feel, along with regret. Guilt is responsible for keeping me up half the night last night. How do you ever know if you are doing the right thing? How do you know if you are giving someone the right advice? I gave someone advice and led them to make a big decision in their life. Now I dont know if this person made the decision against their will and I will never be sure.

Guilt turns my stomach to knots and makes me feel like I'm in a whirlwind of anguish. Does feeling guilty actually make me guilty? Does it make something wrong because you feel guilty about it? I want to seek assurance and releif but I dont know that I ever will. The thing is that I know that I led this person to do the right thing, so the action is not what makes me feel guilty. I feel this way because I would hate to be the cause of someone elses regret. And I HATE to feel regret because regret means you can never go back.

I wish I could do what the Death Cab song "Soul Meets Body" says in this part:

"Cause in my head there is a greyhound station

Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations

So they may have a chance of finding a place
Where they're far more suited than here"

Why cant I just send the thoughts that are constantly swirling in my head away? My constant thinking about everything is maddening. They are not welcome here to drive me insane and keep me up at night. It reminds me of another Death Cab lyric (yes I am obsessed) from "Marching Bands of Manhattan" that says "I live like a hermit in my own head." Sometimes my thoughts suffocate me and smother me and I have to struggle to break free from them. They always creep up on me just when I think I have tamed them.

But my thoughts are something I have to live with for the time being. I just hope that they will not be coupled with guilt and regret.....

Envy on the Coast

I went to see Envy on the Coast on Sunday night (Dec 27th). It was in a small theater in Long Island, it kind of looked like a high school auditorium and we were sitting in the fifth row on the side. The stage spun slowly so every side got a front view at some point. And we were so freaking close. It was so cool!

I gotta say that Envy is pretty impressive live. Their performance is better than the album and that says a whole lot. It Their lead singer, Ryan, has so much energy and he has some lung power. Their other singer, Sal, also has a good voice and is really surprising. He was dressed in such a preppy outfit and then he opens his mouth and you are blown away. Also, Brian, who plays guitar and does some vocals doesn't even look like he is in a rock band and hes so mellow and laid back when performing. Its an awesome contrast.

Here are two pics. We were not allowed to take pics in the stadium so I snuck a few and some video too. My friend took a few more :)

Envy on the Coast

Ryan and Brian

Anyway, they played a few songs, including two new ones that sound great. They also did a Paper Rivals cover song as their encore. The opening acts, Vinny from I Am the Avalance was so fucking adorable. He was this shy, timid, soft spoken guy that claimed that he was so nervous he was shaking but when he started to sing, I was blown away with his lung power. I definitely became a fan. As Tall As Lions also opened up and I gotta say that I LOVE this bands style. They came out dressed in button downs and vests and slacks. It looked so nice. They also have a guy who plays the trumpet who I temporarily became infatuated with. I mean how cool is that?

My friend took pics of the opening acts....only because I didnt get the courage to break the law until Envy came out lol ** ;) Thanks Dee**

Vinny :)

As Tall As Lions

I was a little disappointed that Envy didnt play my favorite songs, which are "Starving Your Friends" and "Lapse" but they were so awesome that I couldnt hold it against them. They did do "Artist and Repetoire," "The Gift of Paralysis," and "Tell Them That She's Not Scared" among others, which are incredible songs (actually the whole Lucy Gray album is excellent) but I would have loved to hear my faves.

"Starving Your Friends" and "Lapse" are the songs that made me a fan (so did "Mirrors") because I am a sucker for a good ballad. Also these songs have such exceptional lyrics that you cant help but love them. Its songs like these that make me live for music. Here are my favorite lyrics from these songs:

"Starving Your Friends"
........

Cuz I fall three times as hard
If its for nothing at all
You all seem twice as tall
As I will ever be
And I feel terribly small
When my head works too hard
When you think with your chest

Theres not a thing that you dont see

Im hardly capable of half the damage

That I would like to do

........

So look at me, I pray to God

But curse too much to be considered true

Im just like me, Im just like me

So who the hell are you?

.......

And I borrow phrases from

Dusty faded record sleeves

The story is the same

Ive just personalized the name

.......

"Lapse"

.......

It's not as deep as it seems

And as unfair as it may be

I'm just here to remind you

Remind you not to forget to remember me

.......

I'm predisposed to trust a photograph

To portray the way you used to laugh

........

Now I've dodged your questions so much,

I don't possess the strength

To answer straight

And no, I'm not afraid,

At least not to die

I'm afraid to live, and not remember why

Sweet chemical indifference,

I can't stop, can't change the evident

........

Shameless Plugging

Doing a double post today just because I have a lot on my mind. The holidays are so drama filled and make me so nostalgic. While I enjoyed Christmas, there was also some drama as per usual. I understand why my mother has kept us away from her family. They can be ignorant and hurtful and I see she was just trying to protect us. Although family is important to me, I now see that it doesnt necessarily mean I have to be close to all of them. Lets see what happens for New Years

I also want to take the time to plug for a very talented friend of mine, Delilah (My Favorite Color is Clear) She did an awesome mural on the hallway wall in my apartment. It looks so beautiful and I just love it. She even painted what would be a carving of Victor and my initials in the tree lol.

She also gave me two beatiful decorative art pieces for Christmas. Im hanging them up in my kitchen. She has the cutest stamp which is kind of like her "logo". Its Girl Meets Bunny Productions...how cute?

Also, Im thinking about doing a few colored streaks in my hair. I inserted a hair piece similar to what I would want to get. Im gonna wear it to work and see if they say anything, if not....Ill do it!! What do you think?

Regaining

Today I got something back that was taken from me and those who are important to me. Someone coveted this important factor in my life. Destroyed it, changed it, and shattered its soul. I had mourned the loss of this factor for almost a year now, thinking I would probably never get it back.

You see, this factor and I have a history. We go back 21 years. We grew up together. We shared everything. We were enemies and friends at the same time. I both hated and loved it. It was an extension of me...a distant part of me. Something that knew me so well. Something I knew so well. Something that hurt me so much to lose.

I blamed myself at first...I thought I hadnt done enough to make this factor be the same as it had been all my life. Then I realized I had no control over it and I could only wait around and hope it would come back to my family and myself. And today it did.

Today..... I got my sister back

Merry Christmas

So Im already drunk and its 6pm on Christmas Eve. This is how I handle the holidays. Ive been on vacation for a few days and have gotten many things done. Such as: painted my apartment and re-decorated my living room. Ill post pics soon

My uncle that I havent seen in a few years came over. He told me stories about my grandfather that I met once as a child. He died many years ago but I dont remember him at all. He also told me stories about my dad when they were younger and my mom too. I guess I dont really know a whole lot about my parents. Its hard to imagine them ever having fun but apparently, they did have fun before my siblings and I were born.

My uncle also told me about another uncle that claimed that I was the only niece he ever loved. Sadly, this uncle passed and I dont remember much about him either. I realized I know nothing about my family at all. They all live in the Dominican Republic, except for a cousin and an uncle that live in the states. Apparently, my mothers side of the family loves me beyond what I ever imagined. I never knew any of this and I feel so guilty for feeling so lonely when I have had a family that has loved me all along.

I dont know why my mother never made sure we were close with her family. She claimes she doesnt like them, but thats not a reason to exclude your children from knowing about them. I learned things about my grandmother and grandfather that I never knew from my uncle. My grandfather passed many years ago and it has been the only time I have seen my mother cry. My grandmother is too senile to know who I am. I also found out she and my mother never got along.

My dad's father died in February this year and although Ididnt know him that well, I knew he loved me. I just hope he knows I loved him too...eventhough I knew so little of him. I recently visited my grandparents house in Dominican Republic and the house felt so empty without him. He showed me that a person can love someone without knowing them. I loved him more than I admitted to myself and his death has affected me more than I have wanted to admit.

Some random updates:
-I got a haircut-I cut about 7 inches off the front to make layers. My hair looks healthier and fuller.

-I am falling in love with Delilah (as a friend of course). She is so awesome and makes me feel like Im not weird and insane. She doesnt judge and shes not embarrassed of me. I need someone like that around. She also drew a fuckawesome mural on my apartment wall in the hallway. I gotta post some pics. She is so talented, its not even funny.

-My godsister is in town. She is another person who I am in love with (like a sister of course). She also understands me and never judges me

-I am also in love with my boyfriend. He is just so awesome and so accepting and non-judgmental. He knows I am like nobody else and he still sticks around and I dont think he is going anywhere. I wish it was easier to tell him how much I love him but its so hard for me because emotions equal weakness in my eyes.

I swear I was meant to be born a man....



The year is about to end and I feel like I am in such a good place in my life. Most days, I have a reason to wake up and that makes all the difference in my life. I have been in a position where I could find no reason to get up in the morning and to be on the opposite side of the spectrum is so meaningful to me. I know that at this very moment, I am too drunk to be posting but I will do so anyway. Just like Caleb from Kings of Leon recorded "Cold Desert" from "Only By the Night" when he was drunk as hell and he pretty much improvised half the song. The truth came out and they kept the song just the way it was after the first recording. Here are some lyrics he improvised:

"Ive never ever cried when I was feeling down

Ive always been scared of the sound

Jesus dont love me, no one ever carried my load

Im too young to feel this old"

How fucking awesome is he?

So Im gonna do exactly what Caled did. I will leave it as is....maybe when I am sober, I will realize something about myself that will change my life just like Caleb did.

Confession aka drunken rant: I love my brother more than anything in this world. He is so fucking cool for his age. I could only wish I would be at his level. I would seriously give up my life for him, no questions asked. If he ever stumbles upon this confession I would want him to know that he has affected my life in ways that are not possible. I have done so many things just to make sure he has had the childhood that was taken away from me. I would give him anything in the world no matter the consequences and that most days, he is my reason for existing. It is so hard to tell him I love him but I would want him to know that he has been my first love since he was born and I wish I could be more just for him. *End of drunken rant*

I hope everyone has a great Christmas and enjoys the holidays.

UPDATED: I made Oreo Balls!!! They were great!!

A Declaration of Love

So I've been quite obsessed with a Death Cab for Cutie song called "I Will Follow You Into The Dark." Its been replaying in my head over and over for a few days now. Besides the fact that its a great song, I wonder what it is that appeals to me.

I interpret the entire song as a declaration of love. Someone telling their loved one that they will always be with them, even after death. "Love of mine, someday you will die/But I'll follow close behind/I'll follow you into the dark."

This person believes so strongly in love that they are willing to follow someone into the abyss as long as they get to be with them. "If there's no one beside you/When your soul embarks/Then I'll follow you into the dark."

I just find this so...endearing. Such a creative way to express how much you love someone without having to say "I love you." I guess the appeal of this song is that its a love story and it touches my cold, black heart in some way. It stirs a warmth that is healthy to feel at times. Maybe I'll play this at my wedding, if we ever have one. I'm not one for big weddings, so it will be small and intimate and I think this song will be beautiful and fitting because the person I will marry is the reason I know my heart still beats.

On a side note: I think Im going to learn to play the piano :)

Freedom

This morning, on my drive to work, I was reminded of someone from my past. This person is someone I no longer want anything to do with and who doesnt really exist to me. I feel disappointed, bitter, and humiliated in myself when I think of said person, so thats why I have erased that person from memories of my past. In other words, I freed myself from anything related to this person.

Then I realized that I havent really freed myself at all. I have been keeping myself trapped because I have never really let go of the hurt this person caused me. I have just been repressing it and pushing it back, like pushing durt under a rug.

So as I drove, I decided that I was gonna let go.

I mean really let go....

They say that people need closure in order to really let go of things and I never got my closure. I had opportunities to get things off my chest but my very being was so shattered that in order to save even a piece of it, I could never stoop down to Person X's level, so I ignored X instead. All those insulting emails, letter, texts, phone calls, messages went ignored.

Now that many, many years have passed, I am finally able to articulate what I wish I could have said...would have said and I am ready to just let go. I chalk it all up to being young and foolish and insecure. Its a mistake that I have most definitely learned from and one that will never happen to me again.

If Person X should ever stumble accross this blog, please know this:

I no longer hate you and I am no longer resentful. Now my smile

reaches my eyes and it comes from my heart. I no longer feel

inadequate and I know what Im worth and dont need you or

anyone else to validate me.

I am strong

Your smile will never reach your eyes. It will always be forced

in the midst of all the hate you have for yourself. You will

always be a sorry, pathetic, insecure and lost little boy trying

to fit in with a crowd that he clearly doesnt belong in.

You tried to keep me down but, lets face it, I have always

been taller than you.....in every sense of the word.

I am playing "Manhattan" Kings of Leon on repeat...for some reason, I always associate this song with FREEDOM.

Got Music

I've always listened to music but I didn't 'hear' it until a few years ago...and I get it now. Ever since, music has consumed my life...

I am fascinated by the effect that music can have people. It is incredible how a lyric or a melody,
such intangible things, can be so significant to so many.

I live for those moments when you hear a song and your heart just stops from how good it is or from how much a lyric touched you. I live for when music brings tears to your eyes or when it allows you to escape and get lost in a melody. I especially live for the moments where music makes me literally feel a shift in who I am. That is why I love music with purpose, with meaning behind lyrics, with intentions, with messages, secrets, and details.
 

I love music that is real.

I will talk alot about music in this blog since it is such a huge, huge part of me. It truly changed my life with just a few lyrics. It speaks for me when I don't know what to say. It is a shoulder to lean on when I feel so alone, it knows exactly what I want to...what I need to hear. It represents what I feel when nothing makes sense. It keeps me at the edge of the black abyss

To be continued....

Getting to Know You

I've decided to start a blog after some encouragement from a close friend *Delilah* I honestly dont know how often I will update because lets just say that my life is pretty mundane and....typical? I guess I can use this to vent when I am going through my induced drama once in a while.

Lets start with introductions. Here are the basics: I am 23, and I am an accountant(bo-ring!) Graduated from college in 08, live with a very sweet, kind man I call my boyfriend in a nice town in Westchester,uh thats about it

Random things I love:
-MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC...my life is made up of lyrics from different songs. My thoughts are consumed by lyrics and I quote songs to describe everything.
-People who are themselves no matter what others think about them
-The Era of Marilyn Monroe, James Dean, Natalie Wood, Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, and when women wore their hair in waves
-sunsets, the beach at night, chocolate,good food coupled with good times,reading a good book, interior design, warm colors, funny commercials, the city,

Random things I hate:-Music with no purpose and/or meaning
-Arrogant pricks, people who judge, people who can eat whatever they want and not gain a pound, anger, repetitive noises(like a clock ticking), purposely misspelled words

I guess thats all for now folks
P.S. Credit for pic on blog title goes to Tom Troyer on Flickr