Merry Christmas

So Im already drunk and its 6pm on Christmas Eve. This is how I handle the holidays. Ive been on vacation for a few days and have gotten many things done. Such as: painted my apartment and re-decorated my living room. Ill post pics soon

My uncle that I havent seen in a few years came over. He told me stories about my grandfather that I met once as a child. He died many years ago but I dont remember him at all. He also told me stories about my dad when they were younger and my mom too. I guess I dont really know a whole lot about my parents. Its hard to imagine them ever having fun but apparently, they did have fun before my siblings and I were born.

My uncle also told me about another uncle that claimed that I was the only niece he ever loved. Sadly, this uncle passed and I dont remember much about him either. I realized I know nothing about my family at all. They all live in the Dominican Republic, except for a cousin and an uncle that live in the states. Apparently, my mothers side of the family loves me beyond what I ever imagined. I never knew any of this and I feel so guilty for feeling so lonely when I have had a family that has loved me all along.

I dont know why my mother never made sure we were close with her family. She claimes she doesnt like them, but thats not a reason to exclude your children from knowing about them. I learned things about my grandmother and grandfather that I never knew from my uncle. My grandfather passed many years ago and it has been the only time I have seen my mother cry. My grandmother is too senile to know who I am. I also found out she and my mother never got along.

My dad's father died in February this year and although Ididnt know him that well, I knew he loved me. I just hope he knows I loved him too...eventhough I knew so little of him. I recently visited my grandparents house in Dominican Republic and the house felt so empty without him. He showed me that a person can love someone without knowing them. I loved him more than I admitted to myself and his death has affected me more than I have wanted to admit.

Some random updates:
-I got a haircut-I cut about 7 inches off the front to make layers. My hair looks healthier and fuller.

-I am falling in love with Delilah (as a friend of course). She is so awesome and makes me feel like Im not weird and insane. She doesnt judge and shes not embarrassed of me. I need someone like that around. She also drew a fuckawesome mural on my apartment wall in the hallway. I gotta post some pics. She is so talented, its not even funny.

-My godsister is in town. She is another person who I am in love with (like a sister of course). She also understands me and never judges me

-I am also in love with my boyfriend. He is just so awesome and so accepting and non-judgmental. He knows I am like nobody else and he still sticks around and I dont think he is going anywhere. I wish it was easier to tell him how much I love him but its so hard for me because emotions equal weakness in my eyes.

I swear I was meant to be born a man....



The year is about to end and I feel like I am in such a good place in my life. Most days, I have a reason to wake up and that makes all the difference in my life. I have been in a position where I could find no reason to get up in the morning and to be on the opposite side of the spectrum is so meaningful to me. I know that at this very moment, I am too drunk to be posting but I will do so anyway. Just like Caleb from Kings of Leon recorded "Cold Desert" from "Only By the Night" when he was drunk as hell and he pretty much improvised half the song. The truth came out and they kept the song just the way it was after the first recording. Here are some lyrics he improvised:

"Ive never ever cried when I was feeling down

Ive always been scared of the sound

Jesus dont love me, no one ever carried my load

Im too young to feel this old"

How fucking awesome is he?

So Im gonna do exactly what Caled did. I will leave it as is....maybe when I am sober, I will realize something about myself that will change my life just like Caleb did.

Confession aka drunken rant: I love my brother more than anything in this world. He is so fucking cool for his age. I could only wish I would be at his level. I would seriously give up my life for him, no questions asked. If he ever stumbles upon this confession I would want him to know that he has affected my life in ways that are not possible. I have done so many things just to make sure he has had the childhood that was taken away from me. I would give him anything in the world no matter the consequences and that most days, he is my reason for existing. It is so hard to tell him I love him but I would want him to know that he has been my first love since he was born and I wish I could be more just for him. *End of drunken rant*

I hope everyone has a great Christmas and enjoys the holidays.

UPDATED: I made Oreo Balls!!! They were great!!