Mr. Magic

I received the 1 1/2'' Chi Flat iron as a gift for Christmas about 4 years ago. I have never been more pleased with a product as I have been with my Chi. I call it The Magic Wand. It works miracles for my curly hair. I usually blowdry it and its all puffy and crispy but one swipe of the Chi and my hair is shiny, silky, smooth and straight.

For the past 4 years, I have used my Chi at LEAST once a week since I do my hair weekly. There are some weeks where it gets used everyday that week because my hair isnt cooperating or because its humid out. The Chi goes up past 300 degrees farenheit, so my hair has no choice but to look beautiful. Also, I find that there is very minimal burning since the plates are ceramic. I even used it to creat loose curls the ends of my hair last week and it worked pretty well. Like I said, my Magic Wand has never let me down.

For 4 years, it has provided me with wonderful results. For 4 years, it has never given me any issues. For 4 years, I have trusted and confided in my Magic Wand. But I think it has started to give up on me. This Sunday, it did not want to turn on. I had to plug it into several outlets and press the red "reset" button several times before it worked. My baby is dying on me....

I am so scared to burn it out that I have not turned it back on again. The radiators come on at night since it is getting colder. This causes the temperature in my bedroom to skyrocket to 100 degrees so I sweat in my sleep and that causes my hair to wave. When I woke up this morning, I did not dare turn on the wand to fix my waved hair. I am scared that it wont turn back on for me. I am not ready to let this iron go. I cannot accept that last Sunday would have been the last time to use my wand. I didnt get to properly say goodbye.

I know that I can just replace it with another Chi, but these things are expensive. They run anywhere from $150 to $200 depending on the size and where you get them. I dont have that money right now. Also, I dont want to part with the one I have. We have a history together. We have been through countless summers and winters; springs and falls. It got me through college, it helped my hair for my first day of work at IBM, it has moved with me from apartment to apartment, it gives me the confidence I need when I feel I look hideous and only my hair can save me.

I realize that I have an unhealthy attachment and that there are more important things to worry about in this world, but in the midst of my drowning, I choose to worry about this. It's a simple, unimportant worry. I can't worry about anything bigger at this moment so this is where I am directing my stress. So I ask, what is a girl to do now?

Doubts Are All I've Got To Call Mine...

Life has been pretty consistent lately. All the usuals: slaving at work, starting a "diet" every week, family arguements, spending money i dont have, drinking, putting off laundry and dishes, making shitty meals, lamenting my career choice, Family Guy, Lifetime weekends, and it goes on and on....

I am thinking about joining a kickboxing class that they offer in some health center 1o minutes from where I live. Right now they are offering 3 sessions for $20. I guess you can decide if you want to join after that. I'm nervous about this.

First, I dont know how much the total price will be. Second, I dont have the courage to do this class by myself. I am utterly embarrassed and ashamed. What if I am too fat to keep up and end up passing out? I wont know anybody that can buffer my insecurities. Lastly, will I have the energy to go to these classes? They are 1 hr sessions and there are classes offered 6 times a week. I was thinking about going 2 to 3 times a week, but work takes so much out of me. It is very difficult to work an entire day at a job that you hate and makes you miserable. Misery requires a lot of energy, you know.

I guess I have to find some sort of inner motivation deep, DEEP within myself. I just saw a picture of myself on Facebook that a friend of mine tagged me in. It is a very recent pic of me, taken last Sat 10/16/2010. You cant really see any of my body, just my chest and some of my arms but I look horrifying. I look swollen and pregnant and like a massive, ginormous killer whale that breeded with an elephant on steroids whose children then breeded with an extra,large hippo that had an affair with the mother of all cows and conceived an illegitimate bastard combination child with terrible genes and that was destined to be obese no matter what they did. Yes, I look that bad...

The thing that kills me...absolutely kills me...is that I thought I looked good that night. I actually thought I looked pretty and that I had succeeded in looking like I know how to apply makeup and like my outfit was somewhat fashionable and I had matching accessories. I even attempted to give my hair some life by curling the ends. It just resulted in me looking like a fat wannabe with a bad makeup job and flat hair. I walked around with confidence that night, thinking I was turning heads and shit, but boy was I wrong. I was so embarrassed my heart sank when I saw these pictures and I wanted to cry.

I know there are people that are gonna tell me that I looked great and blah blah blah but nothing anybody can say will change my mind. It's great if others view me a certain way, but that doesnt make a difference to me because that is not the way I view myself. I am just so sick of being disappointed in the way I look.

I am sick and tired of being unhappy in every way. I am just so lost. I dont know where to turn or what to do. The only way I see myself being happy is if I never look at another mirror or ever allow myself to think every again. Clearly, neither is possible so I need a sign or some guidance or something, ANYTHING to make me see the light.


Title of post is from "Duality" by Bayside

Starbucks

This morning I decided to knock off one of my "Things To Do in the Fall" List and stopped by Starbucks and got a Pumpkin Spice Latte. I swear I had a spiritual experience. This latte was so incredibly good that I have equated it to injecting heroin and feeling immediate addiction. There are about 50,000 Starbucks in the New York City area but I have to say that the one by my apartment is the BEST one. They always get their flavor combination correct and the drink I order is ALWAYS at the perfect temperature. I never have to wait for it to cool or reheat. This drink definitely got me in a fall mood and lifted my spirits infinitesimally. That's the word of the day right there lol.

Words They Come and Memories All Repeat

This is my 100th post since I started this little blog almost a year ago. I dont know if that is a lot or not enough but I guess it doesnt matter because I dont post things for anyone in particular. This blog was created for myself so that I can have a place to keep my thoughts organized and so that I can go back to a certain time and see what I was going through and who I was at that moment. I am glad I started this because I really have an insight of how my year has gone so far. This has been a great way to analyze myself, more than I already do.

Since it is my 100th post, I will keep things positive and I have a small recap. I have been slightly better. I am no longer drowning in my darkness. It looks like the change I thought was going to happen in my life, will not and I am glad to have that piece of consistency at the moment. I dont think I was ready to give it up like I had convinced myself.

I also got my car back Monday night which is a huge part of me feeling better. I no longer feel so trapped...even though the only place I have been driving is to and from work. I guess the fact that I dont have to depend on a train schedule any more is what makes me feel better. My car looks good and is running just the same. I didnt end up paying the $500 cash because the mechanic that fixed it knows my father and he said it was ok to just give him the insurance money. The repairs totaled $4,165 including my $500, so the mechanic got $3,665 altogether.

Another reason I am feeling better is because the weather has finally cooled down. Eventhough its been raining every day, the days that are sunny are truly spectacular. As I have said many times, this is my favorite time of year. I was ready for summer to end. I am sorrounding myself in pumpkin, cinnamon and spice for the next few months.

Lastly, I have a lot to be thankful for. My apartment is clean, my fridge is full, my hair has been extra soft lately, my family is all healthy, I have a list of new bands to check out, I gave love another chance, and somehow in the midst of all my darkness, I always ALWAYS end up swimming again.

Title of Post is "The Background" by Third Eye Blind-so fitting for me right now