Memories Mar My Mind...

Lately, my weekends have been consisting of Lifetime movie marathons. It reminds me of when I was younger and my sister and I would wake up and watch Lifetime movies all day long for the entire weekend. We were obsessed. We would shower quickly between commercial breaks and would run to the kitchen to get something to eat. We would watch movie after movie and just be so content. This was a much simpler time.



I wonder if things like these are why my childhood was so limited. People always talk about things they did as kids that I have no idea about. They seem so surprised when I tell them that I never saw a certain movie that "everyone" watched or that I never played a certain game that "everyone" played. I didnt even know these experiences were missing from my life until others bring them up.



I attribute my lack of childhood experiences to two things:

First, I've always been different and I have known this for a while. I've never found myself attracted to the things that most people are attracted to. Maybe I just wasnt interested in said movie "everyone" watched or said game "everyone" played. Maybe I was busy doing other things that I found cool and exciting that others might have not.

Second, my parents were very strict and protective. They were also immigrants who werent familiar with the American way children in the United States were raised. Maybe I didnt do these things because my parents didnt know about them or maybe they didnt want me to do them because they didnt think it was safe.



I have very little recollection of my childhood years. I might have done all those things that other kids did but I just cant recall them. At this point in my life, I am not certain if my limited recollectoin is because I just simply have a terrible memory or because I have intentionally erased these memories from my mind. If I'm being honest with myself, deep in my heart, I know that the typical kid things cannot be remembered because I never did them and that the reason for the terrible recollection of my childhood is because there is nothing to remember. I didnt have a childhood. I've been an adult for as far as my memory allows me to remember.



Sadly, I will never know if I would have turned out a different person than I am now if maybe I would have watched the damn movie or played the damn game. And maybe I dont really care anymore



Title of post is from "Love is a Losing Game" by Amy Winehouse

Funnel Cake

The funniest/scariest thing that has ever happened to me was the day after my senior prom. It was tradition to cut class and go to Six Flags that day, so of course thats what I did. I went with a VERY cool group of friends and we had a blast that day. We got on so many rides and just had a genuinely good time (at least this is what I remember).

We had all decided that before we left we would all get funnel cakes because, come on, who doesnt love those? So towards the end of our visit, we all got on the Free Fall. Back then, it was an old ride with rusted metal (i dont know if they still have it there) and it only fit 3 people at a time. So we all took turns in groups of 3. When it was my turn, my group consisted of myself, my sister and this guy named Courtney who, now that I think about it, was so obviously gay lol.

So we get on the cart and it is supposed to just free fall like 50 ft or something like that in a few seconds. We are all nervous as hell because the cart free falls without warning so the anticipation/fear was killing us. Usually, it takes about 15 seconds for the cart to free fall once everyone is strapped in. A minute had passed and our cart didnt fall. We didnt notice the amount of time that passed because we were all so nervous and anticipating the fall. We were too busy clenching our stomachs and shaking just waiting for this thing to fall at full speed.

Another minute passes and another and we finally realize that this cart is not gonna move and we are stuck like 50 feet in the air. To any normal person, this would be something that would cause them worry or even fear. We all know that I am NOT a normal person. I was scared all right....scared that the funnel cake stand might close while I was stuck up there and I wasnt gonna get a chance to get one before I left.

I wanted a funnel cake dammit!

So when our friends waiting for us at the bottom realize we were all stuck, they start shouting up at us to see if we were okay. I remember distinctly saying "Yeah Im fine! Shantel go get me a funnel cake! Im not leaving without a funnel cake!" In my mind, that was all I could think of. I had that craving and it was gonna be fullfilled even if Shantel had to climb up 50 feet in the air and bring it to me.

20 minutes later some technicians come and they attach a bungee cord to the cart and they open the door and have us climb out onto a long stair case on the side of the ride. It was a bit scary because we were suspended in mid air and the staircase wasnt exactly right next to the cart. It took us about 5 min to come down those stairs. They gave us free water bottles and a pass to get on whatever ride we wanted without having to make a line. How thoughtful of them....as if I was gonna get on another ride before eating my funnel cake.

Some of my friends used our pass and got on Nitro a few times. Me?.......I inhaled a nice warm funnel cake :)

You Know You Know Ill Burn Out Soon

Is it best to stay away from your problems or to face them head on? Just when you think life has settled into a stress free pattern, something always breaks it. Is it okay to stay away from something essential if it poisons you? Is it okay to put your sanity before the lives of others? Is it okay to just disappear and leave everything behind? How does one get over the guilt of letting others down in order to save yourself?

What if you arent worth it?

Title of post is from "A Fox in the Garden" by Paper Rival

I'm Making A List, I'm Checking It Twice

Im in the mood for lists so I made a list of the 10 songs that I cannot get enough of at this moment. I go through bouts of obsession so I cannot say that these are my favorite songs of all time (that list is almost impossible for me to make), but they are my favorites for the moment....God knows how long this moment will last. Oh and they arent in any particular order either Here they are:

1. 30 Seconds to Mars-The Kill
I listened to this song about 100 times on Monday. I could not get it out of my head for the whole day and I dont know why, but its a great song. Its goes back a few years but its still just as awesome. Age agrees with Jared Leto.

2. Amy Winehouse-Me and Mr. Jones
"What kind of fuckery is this?" That is a classic line for me. I have been an Amy fan for some time now and I absolutely love her..even if shes a crackheaded alcoholic. She is awesome to me! Back to Black is one of the few albums I could listen to in its entirety on repeat. I just love the 60's doo wop beats.

3. Kings of Leon-The BucketThis song ALWAYS puts a smile on my face and just makes me so happy. The lead singer wrote it for his younger brother, Michael, who is also in the band. I think its a sweet song and the beat is the best. Everyone who knows me knows that Kings of Leon are my boys :)

4. I Am the Avalanche-Green Eyes
I have seen their lead singer, Vinny Caruana, live twice and met him once. I plan on seeing him again soon. He is such a sweetheart...he touches my heart. This is a great song that me and a friend try to analyze and always end up getting different interpretations.

5. Paper Rival-Alabama
I am obsessed with this band and this song. I LOVE THIS SONG!!! Its so painful and heartfelt, it almost makes me cry. Their lead singer, Jacob, has such a haunting voice. He left the band a few years ago and the band just broke up because they know they wont be able to replace that voice. Envy on the Coast did a cover for this song at their Westbury concert 12.27.09

6. Anberlin-Paperthin Hymn
I randomly downloaded this song and Ive come to love it. I havent heard much Anberlin music but if its like this song, then they have gained a fan for sure. I also really like the name of the band. So pretty...

7. Mayday Parade-Jamie All Over
I cannot describe how much I love Mayday Parade-the OLD band. Their second lead singer left the band and he has been replaced. I am so saddened by this because he had such a hardcore voice. He brought an edge to this bands sound that cannot be replaced. Now they sound so mainstream and sweet. It kills me :( This song is awesome though.

8. My Chemical Romance-I Never Told You What I Do For A LivingLeave it to My Chem to have these clever long titles for their songs. I love the line "Im so dirty babe." I like how Gerard sounds so playful in that part, I could almost picture him rolling his eyes when he sings this line for some reason. Overall, good song from a reliable band...and its great to work out to. It really lifts my spirits

9. Death Cab for Cutie-LightnessIf you read my blog, you will see that I am obsessed to the point of needing medical help with Death Cab for Cutie and while its hard to pick a favorite song (probably "What Sarah Said"), this is on my top 3 list. When I listen to this song, I just want to lay down and smile through it. I love all the lyrics and the melody. I just love, love, love it!!!!

10. Paramore-You Are The Only ExceptionI love Hayley Williams. I just wanna put her in my pocket. I like the dynamic of this band and I love the fact that she can actually sing. Their new album is awesome. They have the same sound but there is something different about it which I like. This song is also close to my heart because I can relate to it completely :-*

So thats my list. I even made a playlist so whoever reads this can listen to the songs too :)

Why Do I Keep Counting?

I decided to make another light post amongst all the dark, deep and serious posts I always make. Since I am in a list making mood, Im gonna make another list. I read Elsie Flannigan's blog (A Beautiful Mess) and she always posts 10 things she loves on Sundays, so Im gonna post 10 things I love today....just for the sake of flattery I guess

10 Things I Love

1. Paris

I want to learn French so badly and I want to visit France sometime early next year. I have a cousin who lives there and told me I am welcome to stay in her huge mansion during my visit. I cant wait. I dont know what it is about this country but it just seems so romantic and it reminds me of an old fashioned movie from the 50's. I absolutely love that era and everything about it

2. Autumn Leaves
My favorite season is fall. I love the colors associated with the fall. Everything brightens up and darkens down at the same time and we see all the beautiful oranges, reds, and browns. I love the weather-not too hot and not too cold. I love how its still light out when its late. I love the crunchy leaves on the ground. I also love that fall is the beginning of hot chocolate, cinnamon, pumpkin, and nutmeg. To me, fall is just so comforting...

3. Bright sunshine peering through white curtains

I cannot explain the affect sunshine has on me. I feel like I need sunshine to survive. There is nothing better than bright sunshine coming in through the windows. I especially love it coming through white curtains. I have long white curtains in my bedroom and sometimes I just lie in bed and revel in the loveliness of the morning. Its so beautiful that I feel like its a small signal from a higher power telling me that life is worth living

4. Books...tons and tons of books

One of my goals in life is to have an at home library. When I buy a house, I am going to use a spare bedroom to make a library. Im gonna install floor to ceiling bookshelves on all the walls and Im gonna buy a comfortable recliner couch and a pretty lamp. By the time this happens, I know my book collection will be immense so Im gonna fill up those shelves and I will color code all my books too. You can bet the room will have long white curtains and I will sit in there and read in the sunshine until the end of time.

5. Beaches at sunset

I am definitely a tropical person. I dont understand people who take vacation in cold places with tons of snow. To me, a vacation is a nice sunny beach and a pina colada with a little umbrella. That being said, one of the things I love the most are beaches at night time. The waves become soothing and just looking at the endless expanse of the horizon allows me to see that this world is a lot bigger than we understand.

6. Purple

My favorite color is black. Sometimes I obsess with another color for a while but I never stray from black. Black is endless, there is no beggining or end. Black is both plain and elegant. You could never go wrong with it. Lately, I have been really into purple...the royal shade. Its very majestic and grand. I am scared of color, which is why I always stick to black, white and gray but purple is close enough to the edge of bland and colorful for me.

7. Red pumps

Ruby red is the only other color, besides purple, that I love. Especially in shoes. I have a pair of ruby red pumps that I have actual feelings for. I love the way a black dress and ruby red pumps looks. To me it says, I am elegant and classy but I have a little wild side to me. Its just so edgy and I love it!

8. Black and White Photography

In black and white, pictures always look timeless, classy, vintage, and nostalgic. I love black and white pics just as much as I love pictures taken in natural sunlight. Taking color out of picture captures the moment more clearly because we focus on the subjects of the picture and are not distracted by colors and lighting. That makes a world of difference to me.

9. Pens

I have a sick pen obession, especially felt tip pens in black ink. I like the fine point ones, like 0.3 thickness. I am very specific about the pens I use, and I collect them. I have tons of pens and I love them all! One day my friend wanted to test me to see if I really remembered each pen I have, so he took my pen cup and took out a random pen and I had to guess which one was missing. Needless to say, I guessed the right one each time. Dont mess with my pens! I will ask you for a pen back if I lend it to you and I am also a klepto so watch your pens around me too

10. Chocolate

I think this one can speak for itself. Chocolate actually has anti-oxidants or something like that, which make a person feel good. There is nothing like the melt in your mouth sweetness of chocolate. Its just as good as sitting in my color coded library in Paris, France during the fall with sunshine peering through my long white curtains while the waves crash on beach outside and I write down notes in my felt tip purple ink pen while wearing my ruby red pumps :)

Post title is same titled song by The Killers

Anyone Else But You

When I started this blog, I didnt tell my boyfriend about it. There was no particular reason for this. Im not writing anything that I dont want him to know or that he doesnt already know. I guess I just wanted to have something to myself, but then I realized that I am sharing this with everyone in the world that happens to stumble upon it. So, essentially, its not very personal.

He found out about it a few days ago and I cant tell if he was upset about it or not. I guess he felt I was keeping something from him, which I am not. I debated whether I should let him read it and then I decided that I will. This could be a good way for my boyfriend to understand the things that go through my head. Sometimes its difficult for me to talk about what I feel or what Im thinking. I find its a lot easier to write about it and I always feel better after I do. This could also be a way for me to tell him the things I cannot say to him, to let him know how I really feel about things.
In 4 days, we will make 5 years of being together. They have not been a passive or a perfect 5 years. They have been a tumultous, difficult, stressful, and bipolar set of 5 years but I would do them all over again if they lead to where we are now. I have grown up with him and become the very different person I am now. He has been with me through the lowest of lows and the highest of highs. He has NEVER tried to change me into something I am not. He has always accepted me, never judged me, never made me feel bad about myself, and he has never put me down.
He is my polar opposite who in some ways is too good for me. He has the most genuine and kind heart I have ever encountered. He is understanding and kind. He is passionate about the smallest, unimportant things and the grandest things. He can piss me off but make me smile with a funny face or dance move or word. He is shy, reserved, he mumbles, and is almost anti-social. He is indifferent and insecure but strong and beautiful all at once.
He is troubled, has issues, is both sensitve and angry. He explains things thoroughly and takes forever to get to the point. Sometimes I dont understand him, and neither does he. He is different and so am I. He is not perfect, but neither am I. But in our imperfection, we are both perfect.

And I dont see what anyone can see in anyone else but you

Michael Cera and Ellen Page version from "Juno"

This Is The Sound of Settling

As I washed my hands a few days ago, I wondered whether I had chosen the right career to follow. I am currently an Accountant for IBM. I like my job. I dont find myself dreading coming into work and the hours go by quickly when I am there. But I also dont love my job either. I dont feel passionate about it and I dont know how I feel about being an accountant the rest of my life.

I feel like accounting is completely different from who I am. Accounting is based on numbers, which cannot be interpreted any other way but in numbers. 2+2 will always equal 4. A debit will always be a debit and a credit will always be a credit. Accounting is right and wrong, it is black and white.....

Yet I feel I am gray...

In some ways I can see why I would be attracted to something like Accounting. I like stability, something constant and steady, something that will always be the way it is. That stability makes me feel secure. I would hate to have to decipher between wrong and right all the time, but with Accounting it is always clear. On the other hand, deep in my heart, I feel this is not what I was meant to do. This is not something I feel will make me happy in the long run. I am a complex person, someone who is mentally unstable, who cannot make decisions, who justifies my wrongs in order to make them right in my own head. I cannot be categorized and, for me, 2 +2 doesnt always equal 4.

I realize that I dont have to define myself by my career. I realize that my career doesnt have to represent who I am. But I feel that there has to be some sort of connection there, like a person who is passionate about music is a musician, a person passionate about words is a writer, etc. I am passionate about music, reading, writing, and interior decor but yet I am none of the above. I am an accountant. And I fail to see the connection.

In my dream world, I would be an interior decorator who writes magazine articles and who does part time editing for a publishing company. I feel I was meant to live with words and not numbers. But words are so unstable and could mean anything you interpret them to mean....and that scares me.

So do I just settle and accept the comfort of my stable numbers, or do I take a risk and struggle to interpret my words?

I don't know....

Title is lyric from "The Sound of Settling" by Death Cab for Cutie-you should have realized that I am obsessed with them by now