This Is The Sound of Settling

As I washed my hands a few days ago, I wondered whether I had chosen the right career to follow. I am currently an Accountant for IBM. I like my job. I dont find myself dreading coming into work and the hours go by quickly when I am there. But I also dont love my job either. I dont feel passionate about it and I dont know how I feel about being an accountant the rest of my life.

I feel like accounting is completely different from who I am. Accounting is based on numbers, which cannot be interpreted any other way but in numbers. 2+2 will always equal 4. A debit will always be a debit and a credit will always be a credit. Accounting is right and wrong, it is black and white.....

Yet I feel I am gray...

In some ways I can see why I would be attracted to something like Accounting. I like stability, something constant and steady, something that will always be the way it is. That stability makes me feel secure. I would hate to have to decipher between wrong and right all the time, but with Accounting it is always clear. On the other hand, deep in my heart, I feel this is not what I was meant to do. This is not something I feel will make me happy in the long run. I am a complex person, someone who is mentally unstable, who cannot make decisions, who justifies my wrongs in order to make them right in my own head. I cannot be categorized and, for me, 2 +2 doesnt always equal 4.

I realize that I dont have to define myself by my career. I realize that my career doesnt have to represent who I am. But I feel that there has to be some sort of connection there, like a person who is passionate about music is a musician, a person passionate about words is a writer, etc. I am passionate about music, reading, writing, and interior decor but yet I am none of the above. I am an accountant. And I fail to see the connection.

In my dream world, I would be an interior decorator who writes magazine articles and who does part time editing for a publishing company. I feel I was meant to live with words and not numbers. But words are so unstable and could mean anything you interpret them to mean....and that scares me.

So do I just settle and accept the comfort of my stable numbers, or do I take a risk and struggle to interpret my words?

I don't know....

Title is lyric from "The Sound of Settling" by Death Cab for Cutie-you should have realized that I am obsessed with them by now