Well, its almost February....which means a whole month has just slipped by without notice. I was pondering the other day and I had to ask myself how I have endured almost 24 winters? I HATE winter passionately. The only time I love winter is at the beginning of it, when it still feels like autumn, but just a little chillier. And when you start to see Christmas all around you and you smell cinnamon, nutmeg, all spice, and pine and there is just a light drizzle of snow in the air.
But then Christmas is gone and there is dirty snow and ice everywhere and the temperature is constantly in the teens. This is when I absolutely loathe winter. It makes me want to leave New York and move to the west coast or somewhere where it doesnt get so damn cold. And I would NOT be one of those people who would miss the snow. I would miss Christmas in New York, yes, but I could get over it.
The original purpose of this post was to comment on how time slips right by me. I am at a point in my life where I already accomplished most of the goals I had set for myself, so I dont really have much goals left. This makes me feel like I have no purpose in life..nothing to strive for or to look forward to.
I mean there are things that are far out of my reach that I would like to accomplish but then I tell myself to be realistic and to stop dreaming. And I realized that I am limiting myself to be safe, to not take risks, to stay in my comfort zone, to not put myself out there to be rejected or hurt and so basically I am telling myself not to live. I thought that I would be happy living this mundane, constantly safe life but I now I am certain that I will never be happy living this way and the thought of it just scares me.
This does not mean that now I will be taking cliche risks and "living life to the fullest" but I do want to make some sort of change. There is a show on MTV called "The Buried Life" where a bunch of guys made a list of 100 things they want to do before they die and they are out doing it. I find that so incredibly cool and liberating. To not have a care in the world and just do what you want to do. Ive never had that freedom, not because people have held me back, but because I have held myself back.
Ive never let myself have a full experience of something. I always touch on it and retreat back to my safety net, always stating the excuse that I am just different from everyone else. And in many ways, I am different and unique but that should not be a reason for me to hold back on living. I have so many regrets and so many missed opportunities to do things that I wanted to do but was scared to. Simple things that are part of life and that everyone experiences, like traveling, friendship, etc.
Ive managed to free myself from the shackles that the world and other people put around me my whole life, but I have not freed myself from myself. I truly am my own worst enemy. One of my biggest fears is to live a long life without any memories worth remembering. I dont want to be a bitter old person. I dont want to look back in life and regret not doing the things I wanted so Im gonna make my list of things I want to do before I die. I wont have the expectation that I will accomplish everything on my list but if I could accomplish a few of them, I think I will die happy :)
Title is a lyric from "Re: Stacks" by Bon Iver-another fuckawesome artist
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