Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole

First post of the new year. Ive been slaving at work. For those of you who are financially saavy, we have been reconciling our accounts for the entire year so that we can get release our 2009 earnings to our shareholders. In laymans terms this means: they have been slaving us so that we can tell people who invest in our company how much money we made in 2009.

I dont know if I am overworked and just exhausted, but I feel sad. This happens to me often. I will be just fine and all of a sudden, Im in a "mood." I have no control over it and I often dont realize its happening until I feel the way I feel today.

Let me attempt to put it into words. I feel like I am bored but I have too many things to do at once. I feel hopeless, nostalgic, spaced out, stressed, and just plain sad. It becomes difficult for me to move, to understand what people are saying and to even want to stay awake. Its so hard to make sense of this feeling because most times I have no reason to feel this way and because it just comes and goes at it pleases. I am no fool, I know that my symptoms can be googled and that it would result in some sort of mild depression, but I would rather not go there.

This reminds me of a lyric in "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot" by Brand New. It goes:

"A crown of gold; a heart thats harder than stone
It hurts a whole lot, but its missed when its gone"

Sometimes, for some reason, people like to feel pain and they like to feel sad. I remember feeling that way a long time ago. Thinking that I wanted to feel a little sad and just have a good cry. I guess its because to me pain and sadness has always been more familiar than happiness. That was before I knew what it was like to actually feel genuine, unexplained sadness. I have been depressed. I have known what its like to feel completely hopeless, to feel like you are spiraling downward in a bottomless, black hole. I have known what its like to make the effort to just get up and shower or to eat or to even take the next breath. I have known what its like to want to feel good...to feel normal and happy but not finding the effort to do so anywhere within your whole universe.

I have been there before....

And although pain is more familiar than happiness, I will NEVER go back there again. So I guess I will just continue to deal with my little "episodes" and my temporary periods of sadness because I dont ever want to be that person I was. I dont ever want to feel the way I once felt. And though that person I was may linger within me, to me she no longer exists.

She is merely a ghost of who I used to be...and of who I will never be