Pacing the Cage

"I never knew what you all wanted
So I gave you everything
All that I can pillage
All the spells that I could see
Its as if the thing were written
In the constitution of the age
Sooner or later, you'll wind up pacing the cage"

Pacing the Cage
Paper Rivals

I cried yesterday. I cried in a way that I havent cried in a long time. I cried as if I had lost something, as if I was in mourning. Yesterday was one of those days where everything I try to keep together felt like it was falling apart, so in some essence I was in mourning.

I am so tired. So tired. Tired of being the glue. Im tired of playing mediator to people who dont seem to care whether they get along or not. Im tired of being so tired of doing this. Ive played this role since my so called childhood. So called because I never had a childhood and I cant even remember a time when I didnt think like an adult. When I was about 9 years old, my mom asked me whether I thought her and my father should get a divorce. How do you ask a 9 year old this question? Funny thing is that I answered like an adult would. I said "Well, can you afford to be on your own? If not, then I think you guys should work it out." Yes, I was 9....

After all these years of always being there for everyone else, I have to wonder: what about me? Who ever wonders about me? Who solves my problems for me? Who gives me advice? Who is my glue?

No one....

People dont even know I have problems because, not only do I try to avoid them, but I solve my own problems right away. Most would say I am boring and dont take risks but thats only because when shit hits the fan, the only one there to clean everything up is me. No one is there for me yet I am expected to resolve all the bullshit drama everyone else creates.

And Im just tired. Tired of keeping myself together so that others wont fall apart. There is only so much I could handle and at the same time, I dont even know how to be any other way.