I Hope I Dont Overdose On Empty Promises

I have been an insecure little sensitive fucker lately. Ive been feeling really self conscious about the way I look. I have come to accept that my prime was in my teenage years where I was thin and had a small waist. I am motivated to get back into shape and to tone up though, dont get me wrong. Its just that my self-esteem has taken a big hit over the years.

Thats not to say that I was conceited or thought very highly of myself when I actually did look good. I wish I would have appreciated the way I looked back then instead of constantly complaining about it like I did. I know that physically I can look the way I want to look if I continue to stay motivated but I dont think I can get there mentally.

I am a realistic person. I prefer truth over lies and I try not to deny myself what the truth is. So in realities of all realities, I know I am no beauty queen. And Im not saying this to put myself down or to get pity votes or anything like that. Its just the truth. There are plenty of better looking people out there and I accept that. On the other hand, I also know that I am not an ugly duckling. I guess I would just be average. Mediocre...

I also dont really make much of an effort to look good. I dont wear any makeup at all. I dont really wear any accessories. I wear my hair the same all the time. My clothes are just blah...I try to keep everything prim and proper but who the hell am I kidding? And I dont really have the personality that makes me better looking like a lot of people have. Im a miserable person and I frown a lot, so I think that my mediocre rating is fair. I am okay with it and I know that maybe if I made more of an effort, I could raise my rating but I guess I dont care enough.

Like I said, I am okay with my rating but sometimes certain things happen where I am reminded of what I look like in reality vs what I look like in my head. Thats when all my insecurities come out and when I become vulnerable. Three really stupid things happened to me this week that made me feel like maybe I am below average. I am so mad at myself for letting them get to me but I guess I cant help what I feel hence Im being a sensitive shit right now.

Ive never been one to need validation from other people but I guess that its a human trait to get reassurance from others sometimes. And its been a while since I got reassurance. Ugh I sound like a fucking needy loser and I hate that. So Im gonna shake off this little PMS induced sob story going on in my overactive head, straighten my back, stick my chest out and keep my chin up. I guess I just needed to write out what I was feeling and then read it back to myself to realize how incredibly ridiculous I am being right now.

Im gonna go eat a cupcake....

Title of post is lyric from "Emergency" by I Am The Avalanche