Life is full of changes and we eventually get used to these changes but losing a parent is a change that, I imagine, is hard to recover from. Losing anyone is hard to recover from. Death is permanent, there is no going back. There is no way to fix it or change it. It is just the end with no possibility of an epilogue or a continuation. Death is final and conclusive.
This news really got me thinking. Tomorrow, it will be one year since my grandfather died. He had lung cancer. He smoked his whole life and by the time they found out he had cancer, it had already eaten through his bones. I last saw him in January 2009 and he looked fine, healthy even....but two months later he died.
I didnt cry when I first heard the news. I didnt know this man. I mean, I've met him and spent time with him whenever I visited the Dominican Republic where he lived. I spent a summer over there when I was 7, but aside from that, I never had a conversation with him. I never knew the kind of person he was except from what other people told me about him. I know he would buy me ice cream when I was over there. He would give me frosting puffs to eat. He would give me money to buy soda from the colmado on the corner. One night, the electricity was out and we sat on the galleria out front and he told my sister and I a way to find our way home by a ray of light in the sky that came from a tower in DR.
These are the few things that I remember. This is all I personally know about him. My opportunity was gone. No second chance. When I realized this, thats when I cried. I cried and I cried and I cried and when I was done, I cried some more. I cared for my grandfather deeply.... I would say that I loved him, but he never knew this. I never told him this and he never told me how he felt about me either. The finality of death took this from me. The realization that it was too late was devastating to me. It still is...
When my parents came back from the funeral in DR, they brought back several cards they give out at funerals where it has a picture of the person and the dates of their birth and death. On the back of this card, it had a bible passage. It was Psalm 23. This is my favorite bible passage and the only one I know that affects me. I felt a sudden calm enter me when I saw this passage. I felt like it was chosen because my grandfather wanted me to know that I was on his mind. I know that to most it would just be a coincidence but I truly felt like this was a sign...more importantly, its the only thing I have to hold on to.
I went back to the Dominican Republic the summer of 2009, 5 months after he died. My grandparents house was not the same. It felt empty. It was no longer a home. The house now has an unexplainable void that his presence used to fill....and so does my heart.
RIP
Papa Tiodo
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