Open Your Eyes and Let All the Light In

I am still alive

I haven't had much time for much of anything, but I am still here and still alive. I know I have hinted in the past that I have several things to sort out in my head before I share them with the super massive abyss that is the Internet. I have finally sorted out most of them...

My sister gave birth to triplets two months ago. Two boys and a little girl. When I first found out this news, I went through a series of emotions. I was angry because the person she chose to have children with is not someone who I think would make a good father. I was disappointed because she was only 21 and her life has not even begun yet. I was upset because I guess I was not ready for my little sister to grow up and be a parent. I was exasperated because how on earth is she going to handle three children at once? I was indifferent because at the end of the day, it is not my life that will be eternally affected. I have never been more wrong...

I have to admit that I did not agree with her pregnancy at any point during her pregnancy. I did not ask her how she felt, how the babies were doing, didn't want to see sonograms, I didn't even touch her stomach to feel the babies kick or anything. I willingly detached myself from the whole thing. I pretended that the huge object protruding from my sister's stomach did not exist. Because I did not agree with her decision, I told myself that I wanted nothing to do with it or the children. I maintained my distance and my heart was cold.

I continued with this attitude even when the children were born and I went to see them for the first time in the NICU at the hospital. They were born premature because they are triplets and they usually do not go the full 40 week term. I hate to admit that my heart felt nothing for them. I cared because they were my family but that was as far as it went.

One day, about two weeks after they were born, I went to visit them at the NICU with my mother. It was feeding time and my sister tells the nurse to show me how to feed the little girl. I admit, my first reaction was "Hell no! I don't know what I'm doing!" but the nurse assured me I would do fine and she would be there in case I did something wrong.

When I held that little girl in my arms for the first time while I fed her, the world shifted for me.

I cannot explain what the hell happened to me but everything changed. I was overwhelmed with a need to protect this innocent little creature. I held her for a while and I was filled with an immense feeling of unconditional love for this little girl. How could I love someone so much and all she had to do was exist? She literally made me want to be a better person just for her. I guess at this point, I understood what the big deal is about having kids. It is an indescribable feeling and I will never judge people who are affected by babies again.

This does not mean that I have changed my mind about having children. My feelings still stand. I don't really like them very much. I am not ready for kids and at in this moment, I still do not want kids of my own. The difference is that I understand why people want children and how children change people's lives. Although, I am not ready to give things up and make sacrifices yet, I now know I will be capable of wanting to be a better person for the sole purpose of someone else's existence. I will be capable of forming an unrequited bond with another person. I will be capable of being patient, loving, kind, helpful, wise, etc. I will be capable of being a good mother and this is something that I have never thought I could be.

My sister always asks me why out of the triplets, I am partial to the girl. I always tell her that it's because she is the only girl or because she is so well behaved, but the truth is that this little girl changed something in me. She changed the way a huge part of my future could have played out. I could have lived the rest of my life staying away from my niece and nephews but because of her, not only will I get the opportunity to be in their life, but I also know that I am capable of loving fully, truly and unconditionally.

Here is a pic of the triplets when they were about 6 weeks old:

Alyssa Marie, Alexander James & Aaron Christopher

Title of post is from "Collapse" by Saosin