I'm Half Alive But Feel Mostly Dead

Today I feel so sad that I have to write about it in order to let some of this sadness go.

I've been watching a lot of wedding shows on TLC and WEtv. Not only are they entertaining but I like to see what other people are doing in their weddings or what kind of wedding dresses people are buying, etc. After several marathons the past few weeks, I noticed a trend: every single person chosen for all these shows (Say Yes to the Dress, Four Weddings, My Fair Wedding with David Tuttera, etc) has so much love and support in their lives. I mean these women bring a crowd of people with them just to select a wedding dress. Every single person cries when she chooses the right dress. The mom is so proud of the daughter and the father is so happy, etc. They have nothing but nice things to say about the bride and how deserving she is of everything she is getting.

What the fuck? Is this real life? I've come to the conclusion that either people like me dont get married or these television networks dont select people like me or with similar stories to go on TV. I have never seen a bride on any of these shows that I could relate to and it makes me sad because I start to realize that my wedding experience has been far from fairy tale worthy so far. As a matter of fact, nothing in my life has ever been fairy tale worthy and it just makes me wonder why?

My wedding is planned on the tightest and lowest of budgets. I am getting no financial help or support for this from anyone. It is all coming out of the money I have saved for years and once that is used up, the rest will be paid by credit cards. My mom didnt go with me to pick out my wedding dress and when I tried it on for her, she didnt cry with joy at all. She hates my dress and tried to convince me to get a different one. Now I question my dress and wonder if it's even right for me. I feel like I'm settling because the price was affordable and so far  I've had to settle for so many things simply because I cant afford what I really want.

Perhaps the saddest part of this all, is that my father will not be attending my wedding. Not because he cant, but because he doesnt want to. He gave me every excuse in the book and when I refuted each excuse with a valid point, he flat out told me he refused to come. I've held on to that news for a little while now and had to release it before it consumed me. So I will not have my father give me away at my wedding and I will not have a father/daughter dance. My father will not tear up as I say my vows, he will not beam with pride and he will not think I am the most beautiful bride.

 I will walk myself down the aisle. I will give myself away.

This all just makes me wonder what all those other girls have that I dont? Why do they get unconditional love and support? Why do they get unlimited budgets to select their dresses and to prepare their wedding? Why do they get to live out their dreams and I dont? It all makes me feel so inadequate and miserable.

I dont want to seem like I dont appreciate the support I have gotten so far, because I really and truly do. There have been many, many people that have been there for me thus far and my gratitude cannot be expressed in words. They have kept me going so far. I guess the problem is that I still have not gotten the support I need the most, the support I have seeked for years, the support that will sustain me,

the support from my father.

Title of post from "You Were Meant For Me" by Jewel