The mood to write strikes when I feel down and out. At this point, I don't think it matters because I don't think anybody reads this blog anymore anyway.
There are so many exciting and life changing things that will be happening in the next few weeks and while I do feel excited and happy, I am also sad and depressed. I'm scared of change, I'm scared that I don't know what I'm doing, that I wont be ready for these changes, that I'll fail in my new role. There is so much uncertainty about everything that's gonna happen and I cant find a source of comfort or an anchor to root me in this chaos. I have never thought it possible to feel so lonely amidst so much loving and caring people that surround me. I continue to seek the support and approval of the one person who will not give it to me.
At this point, I am doubting things and it's all stacking up. I wish I could just find some stability, some relief, something familiar, something that will let me know it will all be okay. I search and search and have no clue what I'm looking for. All I know is I have yet to find it. When will I feel like I will be okay?
I feel like I have lost so much in the past year and I'm still grieving what I thought my life was gonna be like. What I wanted my life to be like, what I EXPECTED my life to be like. At what point will I accept that nothing is like it was? At what point will I be okay with the fact that things wont ever be the same? Do I have to lose myself in the process of accepting change and adapting? Or do I become a different person? Or do I simply live in a perpetual state of nostalgia? I have so many questions and don't know where to begin to find the answers I need.
Title of post is from "Give Me Love" by Ed Sheeran
I still read this 8)...if anything I feel special because I feel like you're writing for me. 8)
ReplyDeleteI feel like you're asking all of these questions even though deep down you know most of the answers. You know you have stability, some relief and something familiar, because if you didn't you would not be taking a huge leap in a few days.
Also, I feel that being okay should not be a goal. It should be that you're happy during your journey. Because if all you think about is being okay, then you will be too busy thinking/worrying instead of doing things that in the end will make you happy. I'm not even sure if I'm making sense, I will end this here.
8) Love you!