This office is like a freezer and my hands are so numb, I could barely type. I have not been myself lately. There is so much going on in my head that I have to keep myself busy at all times so I dont give my head a chance to run away with my thoughts.
I hate thinking about reality. Things that other people never give a second thought to. Like I cant stop wondering if my little brother is happy? The thought of him being miserable is constantly in my head. I am literally driving myself insane with it. And I wonder if my father is truly happy or if he is silently suffering? And the thought of this KILLS ME. Literally, a little piece of me dies when I think that the people that I care the most about might be in pain. It is very difficult to deal with these thoughts, which is why I am convinced that I am verging on insanity.
Last night, I had a breakthrough with Victor. He told me things that I desperately needed to hear. Things that I thought he was too ignorant to notice and he confirmed things that I constantly doubted. He said them all with such sincerity in his voice and in his eyes that I could do nothing else but believe him. I think that this was the first time that I actually allowed him to be there for me in all our time together. Its sad that it took this long but, either way, it was a bittesweet breakthrough
I'll hold on to this little bit of positive amongst this sea of blackness that I have sorrounded myself with.
Title of post is from the book "Looking For Alaska" by John Greene. Its a quick read and a great book, definitely recommend.
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