Miserable At Best

I had an epiphany the other day. The kind that wakes you up and puts everything into perspective. I realized that I am a miserable person and that my misery is not caused by any outer, environmental factors, my misery is innate. I was born this way and I will most likely die this way.

I dont know how to be anything other than miserable, any other emotion is unfamiliar and uncomfortable. I often wonder how people have happiness that just radiates out of them. What did they do differently that they are able to feel that way? What did I miss? I cannot fathom how people can be innately happy. How people can genuinely laugh and genuinely be interested in how others are doing and how people smile with their eyes...I just dont get it.

The worst part of it all is that I do not want to be this way. I do not want to live my life swimming through my darkness and trying to stay afloat. I feel like I am constantly on the edge of a cliff and like at any point, I will fall over and just continue to free fall in my black abyss. I am sick of this. Misery loves company too so I am certain that I spread my misery without even noticing it. I often wonder why Victor seems so miserable and I never realized that it could be me making him this way. Its hard to be happy around a negative, downer like I am. I dont even know if he has tried to be happy and I have just stunted him.

I keep writing about how I want to change my life and do things so that I dont end up regretting how I live. How I wanted to make a list of things I wanted to do before I die, how I am gonna start living freely and enjoying my youth. But I have been nothing but an unrealistic, hypocrite because I have done none of these things. I have no list and I am not free. I am holding myself captive in my web of misery. Nobody could set me free but me, but I dont even know the first thing about freedom.

I feel like this is beyond me. Maybe this is not something I can control, maybe this is my fate. But it would kill me to think back and realize that I settled to live life a certain way because I didnt know how to fight back. What if I can tackle this? What if I can actually...be happy? I dont want to die thinking what if's.

I called a therapist at 11pm on Thursday night. I left a message. She called me back and left me a message to call her again to make an appt.

I still have not called.

Title of post is Mayday Parade